(no subject)
i dont want dick tonight
eat my pusssay right
god bless lil kim
i try to avoid doing any real thinking in the summertime, and i dont like to do the mundane detail-by-detail update of my day. my nights are all the same anyway. random parking lots, booze, people. nothing ever changes. something has got to change.
liz is sleeping on my couch in the other room. its 3 30 in the morning, she should be, but of course im sitting here. i think if i were to ever get married, it would have to be to an insomniac. these hours are so lonely. someone should be sitting up with me all night playing board games or watching movies.
ive seen so many sunrises. they are very over-rated.
its the most depressing sight when youve been trying to fall asleep all night.
its the worlds way of saying, haha you suck.
ive been contemplating going to a doctor.. getting some medicated assitance, but its the world who has a problem with my sleep schedule, not really me. ide rather not be dependent on sleeping pills, ive already burned a whole in my liver with the gallons of tylenol pm's ive probably injested already.
today i was talking to someone about having anxiety attacks, and it was so.. liberating to hear them describe the exact things that i feel. the tingling, the suddren rush of heat, hearing yr heart pound, the tightness in yr stomach, not being able to breath. it hits you like a brick wall, and feels like the sky is being pulled over yr head. i know its not my fault, but i feel so stupid when i have to call someone up on the phone mid attack and have them talk to me, walk with me. its the slightest feeling of lose of control that brings it in. even something as silly as feeling a charlie horse in my leg gives me one. thats the main reason ive stopped getting drunk and smoking so much, even though im afraid to admit it to everyone. as soon as i feel control slipping away i can feel the panick coming on. sillyness. i hate having to apologize to everyone when they witness me freakout for no reason. i was such a cracked out bitch, who would have guess that something so dumb and uncontrollable would sober me up.
i realized today that i never take those 3 silver braclets off my wrist. the ones my dad gave me the last christmas he was alive.
im itching for a change.
im itching for some attention.
i want some conversation.
im eating those rainbow icepops.
one after another.
i need something to do.