(no subject)
I keep wavering between "in" and "out," between "want" and "despise." How can I be sure that I'm doing the right thing when every day, I wake up feeling sick like I just stepped off a sinking ship, and I don't look any better than the day before? I don't have a way to reassure myself that things are going alright, I have no benchmarks or milestones, or even real goals. I thought I knew that way way way deep in that core we're always reaching to, that place with all the ultimate truths about ourselves, I would have wanted to go in this direction eventually. But it's hard to reconcile the dream to the facts. Without this, I've got nothing. I've got no one. It leaves me cold and exhausted from the effort, and lonely because no one knows how to speak the language.
This isn't recovery, man. I'm losing a game to myself but I have to keep playing.
This isn't recovery, man. I'm losing a game to myself but I have to keep playing.