Take a hike!
There's a scene in the recent "Gilmore Girls" revival when one of the main characters goes to hike the Pacific Coast trail after reading "Wild." The gag is she's one of a dozen who show up, partially inspired by the book, partially by the Reese Witherspoon movie. All ready to hit the train and find their peace, their epiphany.
I laughed at the episode and cringed on the inside. I'd been inspired in a similar way after reading the book. Not so literally. I didn't stock up on hiking equipment and leave Oklahoma for the Pacific Coast. I mulled it. I looked inside myself. I wondered what would be my PCT.
LIke the main character in the book I had a lot of baggage in my head. Not quite the same self-destructive baggage, self destructive in a different way. In a closed off, angry, isolating way. Not an adulterous, unsafe sex in an alley kind of way. Did I need to push myself to the physical extremes to test truly examine and get rid of that baggage?
In the end I got distracted. I didn't go hiking. I didn't analyze the reasons why I push people away, why I like to be alone, why I keep my world small.
Now years later i'm here again.
It's a cycle really. I love reading and I love memoirs. I find solace in seeing or reading how people will battle through their psyche, will unpack the baggage weighing them down. Could I ever be that brave? Lay myself that bare?
I'm searching for a new therapist. I went to one for years in college, after my Pops died, and it helped. Then I got busy. I started working. it was harder to schedule. Ten years later I feel all of the regressions in my bones. I feel myself saying or doing things I know are self-destructive, but I just let it happen. The saracasm flows through my body. The opting to stay home not go out. The complusive Type A list making.
Now I have a list of recommended therapists to call, but I haven't picked up the phone yet. I sit sometimes and I think about how I can sit and imagine the sessions, the issues I'll work through and the magic bandaid it will be in my life. I know it's a pipe dream. I know it's more than sitting and talking through my issues.
I need to put in the work. I need to stop counteracting the progress with more crazy I'm tossing in my own way. It's a hike into my psyche I have to make soon, or be stuck alone at the bottom of a hill.
I laughed at the episode and cringed on the inside. I'd been inspired in a similar way after reading the book. Not so literally. I didn't stock up on hiking equipment and leave Oklahoma for the Pacific Coast. I mulled it. I looked inside myself. I wondered what would be my PCT.
LIke the main character in the book I had a lot of baggage in my head. Not quite the same self-destructive baggage, self destructive in a different way. In a closed off, angry, isolating way. Not an adulterous, unsafe sex in an alley kind of way. Did I need to push myself to the physical extremes to test truly examine and get rid of that baggage?
In the end I got distracted. I didn't go hiking. I didn't analyze the reasons why I push people away, why I like to be alone, why I keep my world small.
Now years later i'm here again.
It's a cycle really. I love reading and I love memoirs. I find solace in seeing or reading how people will battle through their psyche, will unpack the baggage weighing them down. Could I ever be that brave? Lay myself that bare?
I'm searching for a new therapist. I went to one for years in college, after my Pops died, and it helped. Then I got busy. I started working. it was harder to schedule. Ten years later I feel all of the regressions in my bones. I feel myself saying or doing things I know are self-destructive, but I just let it happen. The saracasm flows through my body. The opting to stay home not go out. The complusive Type A list making.
Now I have a list of recommended therapists to call, but I haven't picked up the phone yet. I sit sometimes and I think about how I can sit and imagine the sessions, the issues I'll work through and the magic bandaid it will be in my life. I know it's a pipe dream. I know it's more than sitting and talking through my issues.
I need to put in the work. I need to stop counteracting the progress with more crazy I'm tossing in my own way. It's a hike into my psyche I have to make soon, or be stuck alone at the bottom of a hill.