Fear is the heart of love
I've never been in love. I don't think.
I've had all emcompassing crushes that I obsessed over and cried over and mourned when it ended.
I've had all encompassing lust when all I wanted to was to be consumed and surrounded by my current beau. It died in a fit of passion and the mourning period was brief.
As I get older it happens less. I go longer between boys. I have a jam packed schedule as it is. My friends, all married or in serious relationships, ask me when they see me 'are you dating anyone?' I roll my eyes and recount how busy my schedule is with grad school and my full time job.
My mom calls me a hopeless romantic. I romanticize doomed romances in my favorite books and movies. I still lament Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham's break up. I'm fascinated by F. Scott and Zelda. My grandmother asked me once if I had some trauma in my life she didn't know about. She said I seemed to cut love out of my life without a second thought.
I guess it's true in a way. I don't have some trauma I can pinpoint it on. But somehow in the years of awkardness, insecurity and never finding anyone to click with that I just kind said, "Fuck it. I've got stuff to do." Yes my friends all invested more time in their love lives than I did. I joined boards, I graduated in the top of my class, I started a career that's still growing. That part of my life stayed stagnant.
Am I scared? Yes. I'm Type A. I'm crazy busy. I don't like to be vulnerable. I put on my tough bitch armor regularly. I don't think I know how to not do it now.
Mems says I have a real Kate and a people Kate and she's the only one that sees the Real Kate. She worries that no one will know the real Kate when she's gone. I worry about that too. It's so easy to hide behind my sarcasm. My to do lists. My dogs. My nephew. My Mems. Anything that keeps me from showing me. Will anyone ever see it buy Mems? I don't know. I hope so.
Mindy Kaling wrote once, "My mom was my soul mate." In a lot of ways I think I'm the same way. Mems raised me to be my own person and to be independent and self sufficient, but she also became my rock. My soundingboard. My soul mate in most senses of the words. She makes me laugh more than anyone else and is the only person that calls me on my shit.
So I am probably scared of love. Scared of letting anyone else in. But I'm also terrified the only person that's ever known me will pass away and no one will ever know me again.
I just don't know what the hell to do about it.