See-Saws: Part 5 (2011 Big Bang)
Title: (When I Think of Your Kisses, My Mind) See-Saws...
Summary: Modern AU. Sometimes the road to love is paved in ridiculous, if not somewhat awkward Facebook and Twitter posts, far too many pop culture references than are strictly necessary, nosy supporting cast members with insanely large personalities, the establishment of "Comfy Couch of Cuddles and Conversations", and a little bit of liquid courage. Call it a bonus when destiny lives next door. Loosely based on this KMM prompt.
Part 5
Merlin pulled open the door and there was a harried-looking Gwen standing on the other side, clad in her running shorts and skin-tight pink running top. Her hair was disheveled and face flushed like she’d been out for a run, but her eyes were narrowed in anger. Merlin Emrys should not have answered the door.
"Hey," he said, his eyebrows lifting slightly. "I thought I was supposed to be at your place tonight?" Merlin consulted his watch. "And not for another two hours."
In the last couple of months, his and Gwen’s Saturday days had turned into Saturday nights. And now included Arthur, Morgana, Leon and on the nights it was at Merlin’s house, Will and Gwaine. Since it was the middle of February, spending time walking about the city and lazing in the park had become less fun and less warm. Now they all got together on Saturday night and ordered take-away and watched movies. Merlin was shocked to see how well everyone got along, but was grateful for it. He had spent so many years really being only friends with Will and Gwaine, that he hadn’t realized how nice it could be to have so many close friends.
He really liked it.
Gwen rolled her eyes and walked past him into the house. "Do you have any chocolate?"
"Chocolate?" Merlin asked as he pushed the door closed, before muttering under his breath, "Hello to you, too."
He could hear Gwen in the kitchen opening and closing drawers and cupboards. "Yes. Chocolate. I need it. Lots of it," she answered. When Merlin walked into the kitchen and leaned against the doorway, she groaned and rolled her eyes at him. "Don’t just stand there, Merlin. Find me some chocolate!"
Merlin shook his head and walked the rest of the way into the kitchen. He grabbed a spoon from the drawer across from the refrigerator and handed it to Gwen, then quietly turned and opened the freezer. Inside was a pint of chocolate ice cream; he pulled it out and handed it to her. "Why so needy, Lady Guinevere?" he asked, once she had the lid pried off and the first spoonful in her mouth.
He was not expecting the answering shout of annoyance, coupled by her hands flying into the air, nearly throwing the ice cream and spoon in her frustration, before stalking back out of the kitchen and into the living room.
If Merlin hadn’t been so weirded out by the whole thing, he would have laughed his head off. Instead, he folded his arms across his chest and followed her. She was sitting on the couch, her legs crossed under her, and was stabbing viciously with her spoon at the frozen dessert in her lap. Merlin, not wanting to get too close to the action lest she decide stabbing him would be a more appropriate action, perched on the arm of the love seat opposite her and tried a joke, "I think you’re supposed to scoop it up and then put it in your mouth. Not try to kill it."
The heated eyes he got in response were far from his desired goal.
They sat in silence for a few moments, Gwen continuing to stab at the ice cream and Merlin pulling at the loose strings on the frayed edges of his hoodie, before Gwen groaned again and threw the ice cream and spoon onto the coffee table in defeat.
"I hate him," she said, folding her arms defensively across her chest. "I hate him like... uhm... something seriously hated." Gwen paused, looking humorously thoughtful, before, "Like Brussels sprouts. Or waking up five minutes before your alarm. Or... or... or bumbags!" she finished.
And despite the glare he knew he’d get, Merlin burst out into raucous giggles.
"It’s not funny, Merlin!" Gwen tried, but her twitching lips belied her outburst. "I seriously hate him."
Merlin choked back a chuckle, but felt it slip between his lips. "Oh c’mon Gwen. You compared him to bumbags!"
And then Gwen threw her head back and laughed along with him, because really? Who likens anyone to a bumbag? And in the middle of a time of real critical need?
Only Gwen, that’s who.
When they’d finally settled down, Merlin wiping at his eyes and Gwen grabbing up the spoon and melting ice cream from the coffee table, Merlin walked over and sat down on the couch beside her. Gwen dug out a large spoonful for herself, plunked it in her mouth and then handed Merlin the spoon. He didn’t even think twice about using the same spoon as her before dunking it into the pint and taking out his own generous spoonful.
When he’d swallowed his mouthful, he wrapped an arm around Gwen’s shoulder and pulled her into his side. "So," he said with a small smile, "what happened?"
Gwen stopped, the spoon halfway back out of her mouth, and she sighed, defeated. "I feel stupid," she muttered and stabbed the spoon back into the ice cream before moving to put it on the coffee table again. She curled her feet back under her and leaned into Merlin’s side, her hand across his belly.
"You’re not stupid," he said, running his fingers through the riot of loose curls that had escaped her ponytail. "Obviously he is. What happened?"
Gwen sighed and buried her face into his chest. "I think he’s seeing someone."
And Merlin, no matter what he felt for Arthur and no matter how upset he was about the fact that his destiny (Merlin Emrys needs to stop using that word.) was dating this gorgeous woman who just happened to be his new best friend, saw red.
"He’s what?" Merlin growled and moved Gwen enough to look into her eyes. She was crying now, silent tears slipping down her cheeks making jagged lines like rivers down her dark skin, and Merlin’s heart broke for her. "I’m going to kill him," he said, his mind a fuzzy haze of anger, and started to get up.
But Gwen grabbed him and pulled him back down. "Calm down, big fella," she tried to chuckle, but stopped when she saw his murderous expression. "Seriously," she sobered, "I’ll survive. Let’s not go all medieval and kill him with the powers of your mind, alright?"
Merlin just stared at her. How could she be so calm about this? If Arthur was seeing someone else behind her back, then she should want to kill him as well! "How are you being so blase about this, Gwen? Infidelity is... is... it’s bad, Gwen," he stumbled. "Bad like something bad."
Gwen was snickering behind her hand, but no matter that Merlin wasn’t elegant about his delivery, he knew what he was saying. And she was far too calm. Why was she so calm? And then realization dawned in her eyes and her mouth formed a funny, little "o" and Merlin knew they were finally on the same page. But now... well, now he felt like he was the one missing something.
"Oh, Merlin," she said, shaking her head sadly. "Do you seriously think I’m talking about Arthur?"
Merlin blinked slowly, all the fight left from him, leaving him drained. "Of course," he said, eyes wide. "Who else would you be talking about?"
And this time, when Gwen burst into laughter, Merlin didn’t follow along. He continued to stare at her as tears of mirth fell down her cheeks, instead of hurt, and Merlin was feeling more and more frustrated by the second. What the hell did Merlin Emrys miss?
When Gwen finally stopped laughing, wiping the tears from her eyes, she looked at Merlin and grinned. "Merlin, you are ridiculous," she said and chuckled again. "Arthur is like my brother. We are so not dating."
And just like that, Merlin felt the wind punched from his stomach by her words. Arthur was not dating Gwen. Gwen was not dating Arthur. Gwen and Arthur were not dating.
It didn’t matter what spin Merlin put on the words, the conclusion was always the same: he had been wrong. Wrongwrongwrongwrongwrong.
"What in the world," Gwen started, interrupting his epiphany, "made you think that Arthur and I are dating?"
Merlin just stared at her, his mouth hanging open in shock, before he pulled himself together and said loudly, but with little heat, "You bloody live together!"
"Oh, Merlin," she said again and shook her head, like he was some petulant child who just didn’t understand the house rules. "Arthur and I have known each other since we were children. We’ve never dated, nor will we ever. He’s like a brother to me, and that’s why he offered to let me live with him when Leon moved in with Morgana and I decided to move out. Because that’s what brothers do."
Merlin was dumbstruck.
"And besides," she said, the smirk on her face classic to a Pendragon, and Merlin wondered how he’d never seen the family resemblance before. "Even though he has yet to admit it aloud, Arthur is pretty much in love with you."
Merlin Emrys is going to faint.
"I’m sorry," Merlin said and shook his head slightly, as if jarring something loose in his brain, "what did you say?"
Gwen giggled. "You have the worst gaydar. Ever."
"I’ll have you know, Guinevere Smithson, that I have excellent gaydar, thankyouverymuch."
"Of course," Gwen said, chuckling. "And that’s why you seem absolutely shocked that Arthur is interested in you."
"That’s because I know for a fact that you’re pulling my chain," Merlin said, determined that this was all some funny joke. It was bad enough that he was just now figuring out that Gwen and Arthur weren’t even dating. It wasn’t in his DNA to be so lucky to find out that Arthur was actually in love with him, too. It would throw off the entire balance of the universe and Merlin could just not be responsible for that, as well! "It’s all well and funny, Gwen," he said, trying to mask his concern for all of mankind. "But seriously."
"Seriously, what?" Gwen asked, pulling away from him and looking up into his eyes. She always had a way of searching his face, like she knew all the secrets and emotions he kept hidden there, and pointing them out to him when he wasn’t even sure of them himself. She was doing that now and it was utterly unnerving.
"When have you ever seen Arthur and I be anything but buddy-buddy together?" she asked and then plowed ahead. "Never, that’s when. I’m more affectionate with you than I am with Arthur."
Merlin felt discombobulated.
"And, Merlin," Gwen said, her voice gentling. "I know you’ve been in love with Arthur for months now; probably even since that first night you hit on him in the pub."
Merlin’s face flamed and he looked away from her. He didn’t want to be reminded of that night he’d made an arse of himself. It’s when all of this nonsense had started. And even though it had brought him to Gwen, he still couldn’t look past the fact that he’d been an idiot.
Gwen grabbed his chin and shifted his face to look at her again. "No, look at me," she said, softly. "And now I know why you’ve never made a move." She smiled her beautiful, warm smile at him. "Because you thought he and I were dating." She shook her head. "I wish I had realized it sooner, Merlin. I would have told you to go for it a long time ago. The only reason I refrained was because I thought you were uncomfortable with it. Now I know."
Merlin just stared at her. Was this really happening? Was it really, seriously true that Arthur was into him? As much as he was into Arthur?
It seemed improbable, until Merlin started remembering the little things, the small signs of affection:
The weekly meals together that had really never been about he and Arthur, but had suddenly become that.
Arthur’s concern over all things that pertained to Merlin’s love life.
The way he would guide Merlin by placing a hand across his lower back. And rubbing. Gently, almost imperceptibly.
"Oh my god," Merlin said, his jaw dropping straight down.
Gwen chuckled, her eyes twinkling. "Oh Merlin, you are adorably clueless."
Merlin’s mind was reeling and his gut was clenched in an unfamiliar and painful way. What was going on here? When had his gaydar fallen so far off track that he couldn’t even pick up the fact that Arthur and Gwen weren’t dating? That Arthur wasn’t even one hundred percent straight? Where had his ‘sixth sense’ run off to?
"You realize you’re catching flies?" Gwen mused.
Merlin closed his mouth, but sank back further into the couch. Gwen snuggled into his side again and rested her head on his shoulder. "How did I miss this?" Merlin asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
Gwen sighed and turned her head to kiss his cheek, before resting on his shoulder again. She was warm against his side and images of her and Arthur sitting the same way just a few days ago ran through his head. "Sometimes, Merlin, you just have to ask."
They sat in silence for a moment, before Merlin shook his head slightly and then started laughing. Not some kind of quiet chuckle, but a deep belly laugh, shaking his whole body and making Gwen slide off his shoulder. He laughed and laughed, bent over at the waist, head in his hands, and shook with laughter. Tears were rolling down his eyes, and even as he heard Gwen’s confused half-giggles beside him, he couldn’t stop.
Merlin laughed until his sides ached and he couldn’t see... and then he laughed some more. He continued on for a full five minutes. And when he just couldn’t laugh any longer, and he was wheezing out the last of his chuckles, his body still vibrating gently, Merlin looked over at Gwen, who looked more concerned than anything, and with a flash in his eyes said, "I’m going to kill him."
♦♦♦♦♦
"What’s the matter with you today, Merlin?"
Merlin quit biting his lip just long enough to look over at Arthur (Merlin Emrys can look cool, even when he’s losing it.), who had unceremoniously plopped himself on the couch beside him ten minutes ago and hadn’t stopped talking since. He couldn’t recall a damn thing Arthur had said, but he was sure none of it had been even remotely important.
At least not as important as the near-constant freak out session Merlin Emrys is having, Merlin thought.
Arthur quirked an eyebrow at him, when he didn’t respond. "You’re acting weirder than normal."
"I’m fine," Merlin clipped and then looked back at the television, even though he had absolutely no idea what he was watching. What the fuck is wrong with Merlin Emrys?
Ever since he talked with Gwen, and Merlin had found out that Arthur was not only bi-sexual in a big way, but pretty much in love with him, Merlin didn’t know how to act in front of him anymore. He was like Alicia Silverstone in Clueless when she figures out she’s in love with her ex-stepbrother.
Except way less creepy. Because Merlin didn’t care if Josh wasn’t actually related to Cher by blood or even marriage anymore, it was just fucking creepy. Who dates their fucking brother?! Ew!
Classic Merlin Emrys tangent. Merlin cringed.
He could feel Arthur’s eyes on him and continued to use his Laser Death Vision to stare holes in the television screen. What he really wanted to do was ask Arthur to just go away, so he could think in peace. But it was Arthur’s flat, after all.
"You are so not fine," Arthur drawled and tried to pass him a bag of crisps. "Eat something salty. I know how much you love salt. Always makes you happy."
Arthur shook the bag at him temptingly and Merlin knew if he turned to look at him, he’d have his eyebrow raised with a smirk on his stupid face. Merlin did not want to see that beautiful, smirking face. So, he just pushed his shoulder into the bag slightly, indicating that he didn’t want them. "I’m fine, really."
"Lies, Merlin," Arthur said and took a crisp out of the bag. Merlin could see with his peripheral vision that he was studying it like it was the most fascinating thing science had ever invented. "Lies and deceit," he finished and tossed the crisp at Merlin’s head.
Merlin, unable to help himself at that point, turned to half-heartedly glare at Arthur. Of course Arthur would have to be smiling like a damn lunatic, his eyes bright as the sun and his dumb face chiseled like a bloody sculpture. It was so unfair that Arthur was as beautiful as he was, because Merlin was sadly unable to resist him.
Merlin shook his head and grinned, despite himself. "Dinner will be here shortly. We’re having pizza."
Arthur only smiled wider and passed Merlin the bag of crisps again. Merlin took them and popped a few in his mouth. Merlin decided then and there that there was no point in worrying about what to do with Arthur, because he was pretty sure that it would all end up the way it was supposed to.
Merlin would never stop sending wishes to the stars, though, that things would end in his favour.
♦♦♦♦♦
"Here’s the thing," Merlin said, tucking his legs up under him and putting the plate on his lap, a fond expression on his face. "I’m pretty much in love with pizza."
Arthur snorted. "How can you be in love with pizza, Merlin? It’s not a living, breathing thing."
Merlin’s eyes fluttered closed as he took a large bite, the cheese stretching away from his mouth in a thin rope and red sauce smeared across his upper lip. Arthur tried to swallow around the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat. "Oh," Merlin cooed, his mouth full. "It’s possible."
Damn Merlin for teasing him so much. It was bad enough that Arthur was trying to fight this weird attraction that he had to him, but now it was like he was flaunting it in his face. If Arthur weren’t such a nice guy - and craved Merlin’s undivided attention every possible moment he could, the little voice he had been desperately trying to avoid screamed in his head - he’d kick Merlin out on his arse and tell him not to come around anymore. For heaven’s sake, he had even been at their house when Arthur got home from work that evening.
Granted, Gwen had let him in, but it was totally beside the point, because it wasn’t like Gwen was still there now. It was like Merlin lived with them, or something. Arthur couldn’t figure out why someone hadn’t yet mentioned knocking down the wall between their flats to connect them. That was about how much time they all spent back and forth. It almost seemed more practical than wearing down a pathway between their front doors (since not a single one of them used the pavement - it was far too out of the way.)
Arthur watched as Merlin licked his lips, his pink tongue darting out to lap up the cheese hanging from his chin and sauce covering his mouth, and he ached somewhere deep in his belly. And Arthur didn’t like it. Not one little bit.
"You are a train wreck, Merlin," Arthur said, his voice only breaking slightly. He needed to get over this crush. And quickly.
The pouty face that Merlin made, however, was not going to make it easy on him.
♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦
A week later, Will and Merlin were sitting in the living room playing video games, when Will dropped the controller onto the coffee table and declared, "You two sort of make me sick."
They had been chatting about nothing in particular when Merlin had mentioned that Arthu would be there soon. Apparently that’s all was needed to get Will going.
"What you need to do is work on getting the pair of you drunk and just... let out some frustration. You know what I mean?" Will’s eyebrows waggled and he made a lewd gesture with his hands that Merlin could only assume was Will’s poorly-concocted signal of gay coupling.
Merlin rolled his eyes. "Yes, that’s exactly what I think I should do, William. I should most definitely get Arthur drunk and take advantage," Merlin dramatically mimicked Will’s earlier hand motions, "of him. I’m sure things will end up peachy if I do that."
Will pointed at Merlin. "It’s not molestation if both parties are totally begging for it. Which you two obviously are."
What was the world coming to? Will, of all people, could tell that Arthur was interested? Will, the most ignorant and unobservant S.O.B. Merlin knew? Merlin Emrys is in a time warp.
"Look," Will said as he leaned back against the couch and folded his arms across his chest, "all I’m saying is that you should give it a go. You’re not going to know until you try, and all that."
Merlin shook his head. "I think you forget, I do know what will happen." He let his eyes drift down to his ratted sneakers and refused to look at Will when he heard him sigh, deep and heavy. Merlin already knew - all that progress he’d made toward rebuilding his self-esteem and confidence was seemingly gone in the blink of an eye when he was finally allowing himself to even consider another boyfriend. It almost didn’t seem worth it.
"You forget," Will said, his hand gripping Merlin’s shoulder, "that I know you’re not that same scared kid that you were five years ago, Merlin."
Merlin looked up and saw that same Will that had hugged Merlin until he couldn’t breathe when his parents had been killed; the one that had been hurt and confused, but still cared about how Merlin was taking it. Will, despite his rough exterior and his biting wit, was actually a big ol’ softie underneath it all and Merlin hoped that one day he’d show that side to someone other than him.
"You can’t live your life in fear of getting hurt again, mate," Will said, his eyes taking on a glassy, far-away look. Merlin wondered if maybe he was talking to both of them, rather than just him. "Because you’re going to miss out on your life."
Merlin felt tears prick at his eyes and when he went to say I know, the words cut off in his throat. He just nodded his head instead. They sat in silence for a long time after that, Merlin wiping at the tears streaming down his cheeks and Will staring at the paused game on their television.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, Will shifted and Merlin started. The moment was somewhat broken, but Will made sure to add, "And just so you know; I might not like him, but I don’t think he’s a bad guy either."
Merlin looked over at Will - his eyes burned and felt puffy - and smiled. "Yeah," Merlin croaked and nodded his head. "I think you might be right."
Will snorted. "Of course I am," he said, matter-of-factly, but still grinned over at his best friend. "Don’t you forget it."
"You wouldn’t let me even if I tried," Merlin grinned, his heart feeling stronger than it had in years. He hadn’t expected his chat with Will to go quite the way it had, but he should have known, no matter what, that it was going to be spectacular. And it had been. Will wasn’t his best friend for nothing, after all.
Will nodded as there was a knock at the door. He stood up and said, "Fair point. Glad to see you’re catching on after all these years." Merlin laughed as Will walked over to the door and opened it up. Merlin could see Arthur’s blond hair, gorgeous face and muscled physique standing on the other side. His stomach instantly tightened and a lump formed in his throat. Will’s words came back to him and he knew he was right. He had to try.
Merlin was about to get up to stop yet another half-arsed argument between the two of them when he heard Will say, "No, I’m headed out. It’s just the two of you tonight."
"Ah, alright," Arthur responded and Will moved aside to allow him inside. Merlin wasn’t sure what was going on and the fact that the words, prat, arse or tosser had yet to be used, gave him the indication that something weird was definitely going on.
"Look," Will stopped Arthur as he set a hand on his chest. Merlin could almost see the wheels turning in Will’s head and he was scared to know what would come out of his mouth. Will made quick eye contact with him, winking and smirking, before bringing his face closer to Arthur’s.
Merlin never did hear what he whispered.
♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦
Arthur brought his eyebrows together in confusion when Will stopped him. Their whole interaction had already been fairly abnormal, considering they couldn’t be in the same room together for more than a few seconds without one of them getting in a quick jab (that would, inevitably, start up an entire Jab Fest) and Arthur was feeling a little off kilter because of it.
"Look," Will whispered, stepping close. Arthur figured it was to make himself sound more menacing - Will was like that. "Don’t do anything stupid, you hear me?" Will said, his eyes locked with Arthur’s. "If you hurt him, I’ll kill you. No questions asked."
Arthur’s brow knitted together further as he stared back at Will. "I don’t exactly know what you’re talking about, but... yeah. Okay, mate." He rolled his eyes and tried to walk past him all the way and into their flat. He was starving and really didn’t have the energy to deal with Will and his weirdness. At least not before there was some Thai food in his stomach.
Will backed up and started out the door, a smirk on his face. "Just remember what I said," he replied and then walked out, pulling the door closed behind him. Arthur, still a little shocked, just stared at the door.
What the bloody hell was that? Arthur shook his head and turned away to walk into the flat. His eyes immediately fell on Merlin’s, who was sitting on the couch, looking over his shoulder at him, with a strange expression on his face - something akin to confusion and terror. But the thing that really stopped Arthur in his tracks was the blue of Merlin’s eyes. And his pink, plump bottom lip.
They stared at each other for a moment and Arthur had to shift his weight from foot to foot to keep them from collapsing on him with the sheer weight of his feelings.
Sweet mother of all that’s holy, he was turning into a bloody girl.
Arthur cleared his throat and threw a thumb over his shoulder at the door Will had previously walked out. "What’s with him tonight?" he asked as nonchalantly as he could, proud that his voice only cracked a little bit.
Whatever trance Arthur had felt himself in, Merlin must have been in one as well, because his words seemed to jar him back into reality. With a shake of his head, Merlin smiled wide and chuckled when he said, "You mean apart from his normal idiocy?"
Arthur threw his head back and laughed (maybe a little too raucously for the occasion, but who was keeping track?) He walked the rest of the way into the flat and plopped down beside Merlin on the couch, grabbing the Wii controller from the coffee table on his way past. He unpaused the game and quickly started playing Will’s abandoned Mario Kart game.
He knew he should think long and hard on what Will had said to him and what it might mean, but Arthur truly didn’t think he had the mental capacity to actually figure it all out. Everything had been so confusing since he’d met Merlin he sometimes wished it had never happened, so he could go back to the way his life had been before: easy, simple... feeling-free.
And yet, at the same time, Arthur couldn’t imagine going back to the humdrum existence he once lived before he’d met Merlin. Didn’t want to, for that matter. No, Merlin might make things exceptionally dramatic, but it was a much more exciting way of life. He’d dare say that Merlin was his best friend. And that was... well, that was saying something, wasn’t it?
Arthur shook his head when his kart crashed. He was obviously a little too focused on all things Merlin right now, if he was failing to actually win the one Wii game he was master of. Once it was reset, he shot a quick glance over at Merlin, who was surprisingly quiet as he watched the screen. "Please tell me," Arthur said, his hands mimicking the movements on the screen, "that you already ordered the food."
Before Merlin could respond, however, there was a knock at the front door. Arthur cheered as his kart made it over the finish line and said, "Merlin, you’re a genius."
♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦
♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦
Merlin knew that Arthur had had a rough week at work with another assassination attempt against Morgause Black. Merlin, of course, didn’t know all the details surrounding the event, but he knew that every time something happened with Morgause, Arthur was stressed to the max. And because of the stress and extra hours, Arthur had postponed their weekly Thursday night dinner to Friday night.
When Merlin arrived at the house, he had expected to see a fairly jumpy, but relieved that the week was over, Arthur. What he got instead was an Arthur who was still completely engrossed in work that he’d forgotten about their dinner plans. His eyes had widened and an apology was on his lips before Merlin had even registered that he’d forgotten. When Merlin had tried to explain that it was quite alright that Arthur’d forgotten and they could reschedule for the following week when he wasn’t so busy, Arthur had grabbed him by the arm and pulled him inside.
That was one way of shutting Merlin up.
Arthur hadn’t ordered dinner yet, so Merlin called while Arthur sat back down at the kitchen table (a place they almost never sat to have meals) and worked more. He apologized over and over, but kept right on working. Finally, to pass the time waiting for their Mexican delivery, Merlin had started talking. He knew Arthur wasn’t listening to him entirely, but he hadn’t asked him to shut up yet either. So he just kept right on.
He wasn’t sure how the conversation had moved to relationships (specifically Merlin’s knack as a child for finding the one person on the playground that didn’t like him and becoming adorably obsessed with them), but Merlin figured Arthur wasn’t paying attention anyway, so it was a safe subject. Evidently, he was wrong.
"When you were a child, didn’t your mother ever tell you that when a boy is mean to you and pulls your pigtails, it’s because he likes you?"
Merlin’s lips pulled down into a pout. "Yes, well, maybe."
Arthur smirked before looking back down at his paperwork that was becoming increasingly scattered across the kitchen table. Merlin watched Arthur for a second and worried at his bottom lip. He had more to say, but was contemplating whether it was really a good idea to add it. Most interactions that Merlin and Arthur had were of the light-hearted nature. He wasn’t even sure if they had ever had an intensely personal conversation that wasn’t littered with snarky comebacks and witty banter. And Merlin knew if he delved into the subject at hand in the manner in which his heart was pulling him, he would knowingly be bringing about a conversation he was hoping he’d never have to have with the man he was practically in love with.
Or maybe after he’d got him drunk enough to sleep with him first. Then he’d have at least convinced him that, no matter how dorky and ridiculous Merlin was, the the mind-numbing pleasure of having Merlin between Arthur’s legs far outweighed Merlin’s heavy conversation choices.
But as Arthur slipped his pen sideways into his mouth, clenched between brilliantly crooked teeth, and his eyes roamed over the financials spread out in front of him, Merlin knew that he had to tell him. Because it mattered. Because he wanted Arthur to know the real him after all these months. He wanted to make sure that their relationship, even if that meant only as friends, was real.
Merlin took a steadying breath and said, "Besides, even when I was little, no one wanted to be my boyfriend - or girlfriend, for that matter. They were just actually ‘pulling my pigtails’, as you so sensitively put it, and being mean to me because they genuinely didn’t like me."
Arthur looked up, incredulity plain on his face. "Really?"
Merlin nodded. "I was such a dork when I was little. Still am, as you’ve noticed," he said with a slight and crooked smile. "I didn’t even have my first real boyfriend until I was fifteen." Arthur’s mouth opened marginally and Merlin wondered how many people he had slept with by the time he turned fifteen. Quickly, he pushed that thought out of his mind and added, "It was mostly a secret and we were basically friends with a title, I suppose. He never did hold my hand or kiss me good-bye before class... or kiss me at all."
Arthur looked like he was about to interrupt, but now that Merlin was spilling his guts, he was just going to keep at it until he had everything out in the open. "Long story short, it was three months, two dates, and done. He cheated on me with some girl named Amanda - because he was apparently just confused and not actually gay - and then proceeded to be a complete arse about everything for the next two years. It was devastating then, but when I look back now, it was just stupid, childish BS. I got over it fairly quickly."
"Wow," Arthur said.
Merlin nodded again, feeling his face flushing in embarrassment, but continued. "My next boyfriend wasn’t until I was twenty-two. On our first date, he was a perfect gentleman and even kissed me good-night. Two nights later I lost my virginity to him. And three months later, I told him I loved him and he broke up with me. Apparently he’d had plans to do it for a week, but was sweet enough to wait until Valentine’s Day to do it." Merlin sighed. "Two days after that I found out he’d been cheating on me."
Merlin watched Arthur’s face harden and wondered if maybe he was going a little too far with the details of his life. Unfortunately, he couldn’t stop now. He was on a roll and he wanted, no, needed Arthur to know these things. He needed him to know who Merlin was, the good and the bad.
"That’s really not a good track record," Arthur finally said through clenched teeth.
"It gets better," Merlin answered, tearing his eyes away from the disappointed look on Arthur’s face and focusing on the wood grain of the kitchen table. "In the five years since then, I’ve had only two other relationships. The longest was three years and he cheated on me a dozen times, if not more. He was also emotionally abusive. I had no self-esteem left, so I just let it keep happening. Will and Gwaine were always trying to get me to leave him and I just wouldn’t. Some irrational part of me felt like I deserved it, or something." Merlin shrugged. "It was, without a doubt, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through."
"Merlin, that’s just--"
"Stupid?" Merlin interrupted. "Yeah, it was really stupid, but it happened." Merlin felt something pull in his chest when he realized that Arthur was actually judging him. Though, he should have expected that reaction, Merlin had hoped that they really were good enough friends that Arthur would see how much he’d changed. How much he’d grown.
Merlin should have stopped then. Should have just left Arthur to decide on his own if he still wanted to be friends with someone who made such horrible decisions in their love life. But now he just needed it all out there. If Arthur really didn’t want anything to do with him after this, then at least he’d have his answer.
"Finally, I met a guy at the restaurant. He was charming, sweet and exceptionally sexy," Merlin thought he’d try for a wink, but his heart wasn’t in it. "And he had been military for a while, so I just figured he would have to be better than what I’d been dating." Merlin scratched his fingernail against a dried waterspot on the table. "Most importantly he made me feel like I was someone, that what I wanted was just as important as what everyone else wanted. So," Merlin sighed, "I worked up the nerve to break it off with The Three Year Nightmare."
"Well, that’s a plus," Arthur said. Merlin looked up and saw that Arthur was staring back down at his paperwork, but didn’t look like he was actually focused on it. Merlin knew he was making Arthur uncomfortable, knew he needed to stop, knew he was making things far worse than they needed to be.
But he kept going. "It was," he answered. "Unfortunately, after a couple of weeks, the new guy just randomly quit the restaurant and pretty much ignored me and my phone calls for two straight weeks. I found out later that he was the only man to not cheat on me."
Arthur attempted a smile at him, but it came off as more of a grimace. "Small favours?"
Merlin shook his head and sighed again. "It would have been if I hadn’t found out that he was married and I was the one he was cheating on his wife with."
Arthur cringed. "Please tell me you’ve had at least one good relationship, Merlin."
Merlin shrugged. "There was. Just the one," he said and tried not to think too hard about how in love he’d been with Gilli and how he’d screwed the whole thing up over a small fib (that had grown into a giant lie). "Unfortunately, amongst other issues like me sabotaging the entire relationship, he lived almost 500 miles away and it was too difficult to spend time together."
"You have really bad luck, don’t you?"
"With relationships, yeah," Merlin answered and rubbed his hands over his face, letting out a sigh. "Probably why it’s been so long since I’ve really had a boyfriend; I don’t want to get hurt again." Merlin thought for a second and then added, "Or that was my excuse at the beginning anyway."
Arthur cocked his head to the side, looking confused. "What’s your excuse now?"
Merlin thought for another minute, until he was certain about his answer. While he was silent, he could tell that Arthur was staring at him intently, and Merlin was regretting even starting the conversation in the first place. "I still think it’s partially because I don’t want to get hurt," Merlin answered, unable to look Arthur in the eye, so he focused somewhere between his chest and the table. "But I also think I’m so set in my ways now, that I just don’t make the effort." Merlin paused and then added, "Dating is hard and dramatic. And my life is stressful enough as it is. It’s just easier this way, I guess."
"That’s just lazy, Merlin."
He looked up to see Arthur smiling at him. Merlin tried a smile back. "Yeah. Maybe."
They stared at each other a bit too long after that, and Merlin felt the intense urge to blurt out how much he loved Arthur. He wanted to tell him that if he were willing to give a shot, Merlin would be more than happy to open up a niche in his already stressful life to slot Arthur into it. He wanted to tell him that he’d been head over heels for him since the first night he’d laid eyes on him and he wanted to show him just how much he wanted him. It would probably end badly, but Merlin wanted to try. He just wanted to know.
But then Arthur was looking uncomfortable and he cleared his throat, looking back down at the paperwork scattered across the table. The moment was broken and Merlin was glad for it. He didn’t care what Gwen had said about Arthur being in love with him. Arthur hadn’t made a move and they had known each other for months. Gwen was mistaken.
"I wonder where dinner is," Arthur said, his pen tapping against the table in a broken rhythm.
Merlin shrugged. "It’s taking an abnormally long time. I’ll call them."
♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦
Arthur’s stomach had churned while listening to Merlin’s relationship story earlier in the evening. He had wanted to tell him to stop so many times. He hadn’t wanted to hear how Merlin had been slighted and hurt so much that it was obvious it had had a lasting effect on him. But since it was the first time Merlin had really opened up to him, he craved to know more. Even if it was a heart wrenching tale. He had gotten a a rare glimpse of the Merlin Gwaine and Will knew and loved. So, he hadn’t stopped him.
And it had been hard to listen to. Arthur, more than once, had wanted to get up from the table, grab him by the shoulders and shake him. He had wanted to growl at him that he deserved so much better than those jerks that had hurt him. Arthur had wanted to show him that he could be that better he was looking for.
But those thoughts had been enough to stop him. In the months that he had known Merlin, the only time he had ever hit on Arthur was the first night they’d met and Merlin had been pissed. There had been moments when Arthur thought that maybe Merlin was flirting with him, but it had been there and gone so quickly, he figured he’d only imagined it. Obviously Merlin wasn’t interested in him. Well, as more than a friend that is.
And he didn’t know why it mattered anyway. Arthur just souldn’t be interested in him. Maybe at the beginning, he should have attempted a relationship with him. It could have gone one of two ways: great or catastrophic. In the first instance, Arthur would have had a great boyfriend and regular sex. In the second, he’d probably have had to move. Not so great, but one of the pitfalls of dating your neighbour.
But Arthur hadn’t tried to date Merlin. Instead, he had spent countless hours trying to convince himself that he wasn’t really attracted to Merlin, that he wasn’t his type and that Arthur was only infatuated with him because he was so desperate for a partner.
Now, he couldn’t be with Merlin even if he wanted to. Because Merlin was practically his best friend, next to Gwen. And Arthur wasn’t willing to lose that. Ever.
He snuck a look over at Merlin, who had his head leaned back against the sofa, barely awake, and the corner of his mouth went up.
Arthur had had a stressful week and had felt terribly guilty having to cancel their regular Thursday night dinner and then forgetting that he’d rescheduled it for Friday. He’d felt guilty that he’d spent most of their evening working on paperwork and getting his notes ready for the special broadcasts he’d have to be apart of on Sunday morning. But Merlin, the forever optimist, had taken it all in stride. He had sat across from Arthur and just talked. He had only felt like he had to listen to half of what Merlin was saying and it was like Merlin knew that Arthur just needed the noise. The company.
Arthur hadn’t planned on him going into great detail about his past love life. He hadn’t planned on being sucked into it and feeling so emotionally attached. Then again, Merlin was his friend and he should feel angry about the way he’d been treated in his relationships. When Arthur looked at it that way, it all made a lot more sense.
He and Merlin were friends. Anything else would be awkward and confusing and Arthur just didn’t have the time in his stressful, busy schedule to deal with awkward and confusing.
With that decision finalized in his head, Arthur reached out a finger and poked at Merlin’s shoulder. When Merlin grunted a response, he rolled his eyes. "Wake up, mate."
Merlin’s eyes had drifted shut in the time it took Arthur to work through his feelings and though Arthur knew he was still awake, Merlin kept his eyes closed. "Nrgh."
"Seriously," Arthur said, poking him again, a little harder. "You think this sofa is comfortable now. Just wait until you have to sleep on it for more than a quick nap." Merlin’s bottom lip poked out into a pout and Arthur tipped his head back and laughed. "Get out of here, you nut. Go sleep in your bed, in your own flat. Go, go, go."
Merlin pried his eyes open. "Alright, alright," he said, trying to pout around his grin. It wasn’t working very well. "I’m going. Pushy."
"Well, it is my flat," Arthur said as they both got up from the sofa quite slowly.
"That’s a mirror image of mine," Merlin responded.
"Only decorated better."
"Shut it."
They were both grinning ear to ear when they got to the front door. Arthur stood behind Merlin as he slipped his trainers back on his feet and opened the door. He was on his way out and Arthur was about to tell him good night, when Merlin stopped and turned around, standing on the doorstep. "Listen," he said and looked up from his trainers slowly. "I’m sorry about being so... share-y tonight."
"That’s not a word," Arthur said, trying to keep things light. It was really too late in the evening to be having more serious conversations.
Merlin smirked, but it was only half-hearted. "You know what I mean," he answered. "It was a little out of normal range of conversation and... I just didn’t want you to think--" Merlin stopped and chewed on his bottom lip for a minute.
When he didn’t look like he was going to say anything else, Arthur snuck out his hand and punched him lightly in the shoulder. "It’s no big thing, mate. Don’t worry about it."
Merlin looked at the place Arthur had just punched and then back to his face. It was a weird expression and Arthur was pretty sure the gesture wasn’t what Merlin had expected. But since Arthur had never really been all that in touch with his emotions, this was the best he was going to get.
"Yeah," Merlin said, shuffling his feet. "Just... thanks for listening."
Arthur nodded. "Anytime."
And then he did something he hadn’t done with anyone (outside Gwen and Morgana) in a really long time. He pulled Merlin into him and hugged him. He hadn’t even know he was going to do it until he was already reaching toward him, but now that he had his arms around Merlin’s skinny frame, he knew that it was something Merlin had needed. Maybe it was something they both needed. Arthur couldn’t be sure.
Merlin, stiff backed at first, finally relaxed and wrapped his arms around Arthur. It seemed awkward at first and then nice. But it quickly turned awkward again when the hug held on a bit too long. Slowly, he started to pull away, but Merlin kept one hand on his waist, the other up over around his shoulder. Merlin stared into Arthur’s eyes, intensity there that he had never seen before, making him uncomfortable. Arthur wanted to turn and retreat into the house.
But just as he was tying to pull away, about to laugh off the moment, Merlin lunged forward and pressed his mouth against Arthur’s. Merlin’s lips were dry and chapped, but warm and his eyes were clenched shut. Arthur stared at them, looked at his long lashes, lashes that should have been on a girl, and let Merlin kiss him.
A part of Arthur wanted to kiss him back. The other part of him, the part that had adamantly decided that they were going to be friends forever and nothing but, was resisting. Arthur didn’t want to hurt Merlin. And if they started something and it got awkward, Merlin would inevitably get hurt. Arthur couldn’t be the one to do that.
And selfishly, Arthur didn’t want to ruin their friendship. He needed to have Merlin in his life now. He was going to be a permanent fixture whether Merlin wanted to be or not. Having a relationship with him would only jeopardize that. Arthur wasn’t willing to risk it.
After a moment, Merlin realized that Arthur was not responding and he pulled back quickly. His long fingers went to cover his lips, his eyes wide in shock, and Arthur was instantly aware of how cold his own lips now felt.
"I’m--" Merlin shook his head. "I’m so sorry."
And before Arthur could laugh it off, Merlin turned on his heel and ran across their gardens to his front door and disappeared inside. Arthur watched him go, but didn’t call him back. He stood there staring for a full five minutes before he started to shiver. Looking down at his bare feet, Arthur stepped back inside and pushed the door closed.
Summary: Modern AU. Sometimes the road to love is paved in ridiculous, if not somewhat awkward Facebook and Twitter posts, far too many pop culture references than are strictly necessary, nosy supporting cast members with insanely large personalities, the establishment of "Comfy Couch of Cuddles and Conversations", and a little bit of liquid courage. Call it a bonus when destiny lives next door. Loosely based on this KMM prompt.
Part 5
Merlin pulled open the door and there was a harried-looking Gwen standing on the other side, clad in her running shorts and skin-tight pink running top. Her hair was disheveled and face flushed like she’d been out for a run, but her eyes were narrowed in anger. Merlin Emrys should not have answered the door.
"Hey," he said, his eyebrows lifting slightly. "I thought I was supposed to be at your place tonight?" Merlin consulted his watch. "And not for another two hours."
In the last couple of months, his and Gwen’s Saturday days had turned into Saturday nights. And now included Arthur, Morgana, Leon and on the nights it was at Merlin’s house, Will and Gwaine. Since it was the middle of February, spending time walking about the city and lazing in the park had become less fun and less warm. Now they all got together on Saturday night and ordered take-away and watched movies. Merlin was shocked to see how well everyone got along, but was grateful for it. He had spent so many years really being only friends with Will and Gwaine, that he hadn’t realized how nice it could be to have so many close friends.
He really liked it.
Gwen rolled her eyes and walked past him into the house. "Do you have any chocolate?"
"Chocolate?" Merlin asked as he pushed the door closed, before muttering under his breath, "Hello to you, too."
He could hear Gwen in the kitchen opening and closing drawers and cupboards. "Yes. Chocolate. I need it. Lots of it," she answered. When Merlin walked into the kitchen and leaned against the doorway, she groaned and rolled her eyes at him. "Don’t just stand there, Merlin. Find me some chocolate!"
Merlin shook his head and walked the rest of the way into the kitchen. He grabbed a spoon from the drawer across from the refrigerator and handed it to Gwen, then quietly turned and opened the freezer. Inside was a pint of chocolate ice cream; he pulled it out and handed it to her. "Why so needy, Lady Guinevere?" he asked, once she had the lid pried off and the first spoonful in her mouth.
He was not expecting the answering shout of annoyance, coupled by her hands flying into the air, nearly throwing the ice cream and spoon in her frustration, before stalking back out of the kitchen and into the living room.
If Merlin hadn’t been so weirded out by the whole thing, he would have laughed his head off. Instead, he folded his arms across his chest and followed her. She was sitting on the couch, her legs crossed under her, and was stabbing viciously with her spoon at the frozen dessert in her lap. Merlin, not wanting to get too close to the action lest she decide stabbing him would be a more appropriate action, perched on the arm of the love seat opposite her and tried a joke, "I think you’re supposed to scoop it up and then put it in your mouth. Not try to kill it."
The heated eyes he got in response were far from his desired goal.
They sat in silence for a few moments, Gwen continuing to stab at the ice cream and Merlin pulling at the loose strings on the frayed edges of his hoodie, before Gwen groaned again and threw the ice cream and spoon onto the coffee table in defeat.
"I hate him," she said, folding her arms defensively across her chest. "I hate him like... uhm... something seriously hated." Gwen paused, looking humorously thoughtful, before, "Like Brussels sprouts. Or waking up five minutes before your alarm. Or... or... or bumbags!" she finished.
And despite the glare he knew he’d get, Merlin burst out into raucous giggles.
"It’s not funny, Merlin!" Gwen tried, but her twitching lips belied her outburst. "I seriously hate him."
Merlin choked back a chuckle, but felt it slip between his lips. "Oh c’mon Gwen. You compared him to bumbags!"
And then Gwen threw her head back and laughed along with him, because really? Who likens anyone to a bumbag? And in the middle of a time of real critical need?
Only Gwen, that’s who.
When they’d finally settled down, Merlin wiping at his eyes and Gwen grabbing up the spoon and melting ice cream from the coffee table, Merlin walked over and sat down on the couch beside her. Gwen dug out a large spoonful for herself, plunked it in her mouth and then handed Merlin the spoon. He didn’t even think twice about using the same spoon as her before dunking it into the pint and taking out his own generous spoonful.
When he’d swallowed his mouthful, he wrapped an arm around Gwen’s shoulder and pulled her into his side. "So," he said with a small smile, "what happened?"
Gwen stopped, the spoon halfway back out of her mouth, and she sighed, defeated. "I feel stupid," she muttered and stabbed the spoon back into the ice cream before moving to put it on the coffee table again. She curled her feet back under her and leaned into Merlin’s side, her hand across his belly.
"You’re not stupid," he said, running his fingers through the riot of loose curls that had escaped her ponytail. "Obviously he is. What happened?"
Gwen sighed and buried her face into his chest. "I think he’s seeing someone."
And Merlin, no matter what he felt for Arthur and no matter how upset he was about the fact that his destiny (Merlin Emrys needs to stop using that word.) was dating this gorgeous woman who just happened to be his new best friend, saw red.
"He’s what?" Merlin growled and moved Gwen enough to look into her eyes. She was crying now, silent tears slipping down her cheeks making jagged lines like rivers down her dark skin, and Merlin’s heart broke for her. "I’m going to kill him," he said, his mind a fuzzy haze of anger, and started to get up.
But Gwen grabbed him and pulled him back down. "Calm down, big fella," she tried to chuckle, but stopped when she saw his murderous expression. "Seriously," she sobered, "I’ll survive. Let’s not go all medieval and kill him with the powers of your mind, alright?"
Merlin just stared at her. How could she be so calm about this? If Arthur was seeing someone else behind her back, then she should want to kill him as well! "How are you being so blase about this, Gwen? Infidelity is... is... it’s bad, Gwen," he stumbled. "Bad like something bad."
Gwen was snickering behind her hand, but no matter that Merlin wasn’t elegant about his delivery, he knew what he was saying. And she was far too calm. Why was she so calm? And then realization dawned in her eyes and her mouth formed a funny, little "o" and Merlin knew they were finally on the same page. But now... well, now he felt like he was the one missing something.
"Oh, Merlin," she said, shaking her head sadly. "Do you seriously think I’m talking about Arthur?"
Merlin blinked slowly, all the fight left from him, leaving him drained. "Of course," he said, eyes wide. "Who else would you be talking about?"
And this time, when Gwen burst into laughter, Merlin didn’t follow along. He continued to stare at her as tears of mirth fell down her cheeks, instead of hurt, and Merlin was feeling more and more frustrated by the second. What the hell did Merlin Emrys miss?
When Gwen finally stopped laughing, wiping the tears from her eyes, she looked at Merlin and grinned. "Merlin, you are ridiculous," she said and chuckled again. "Arthur is like my brother. We are so not dating."
And just like that, Merlin felt the wind punched from his stomach by her words. Arthur was not dating Gwen. Gwen was not dating Arthur. Gwen and Arthur were not dating.
It didn’t matter what spin Merlin put on the words, the conclusion was always the same: he had been wrong. Wrongwrongwrongwrongwrong.
"What in the world," Gwen started, interrupting his epiphany, "made you think that Arthur and I are dating?"
Merlin just stared at her, his mouth hanging open in shock, before he pulled himself together and said loudly, but with little heat, "You bloody live together!"
"Oh, Merlin," she said again and shook her head, like he was some petulant child who just didn’t understand the house rules. "Arthur and I have known each other since we were children. We’ve never dated, nor will we ever. He’s like a brother to me, and that’s why he offered to let me live with him when Leon moved in with Morgana and I decided to move out. Because that’s what brothers do."
Merlin was dumbstruck.
"And besides," she said, the smirk on her face classic to a Pendragon, and Merlin wondered how he’d never seen the family resemblance before. "Even though he has yet to admit it aloud, Arthur is pretty much in love with you."
Merlin Emrys is going to faint.
"I’m sorry," Merlin said and shook his head slightly, as if jarring something loose in his brain, "what did you say?"
Gwen giggled. "You have the worst gaydar. Ever."
"I’ll have you know, Guinevere Smithson, that I have excellent gaydar, thankyouverymuch."
"Of course," Gwen said, chuckling. "And that’s why you seem absolutely shocked that Arthur is interested in you."
"That’s because I know for a fact that you’re pulling my chain," Merlin said, determined that this was all some funny joke. It was bad enough that he was just now figuring out that Gwen and Arthur weren’t even dating. It wasn’t in his DNA to be so lucky to find out that Arthur was actually in love with him, too. It would throw off the entire balance of the universe and Merlin could just not be responsible for that, as well! "It’s all well and funny, Gwen," he said, trying to mask his concern for all of mankind. "But seriously."
"Seriously, what?" Gwen asked, pulling away from him and looking up into his eyes. She always had a way of searching his face, like she knew all the secrets and emotions he kept hidden there, and pointing them out to him when he wasn’t even sure of them himself. She was doing that now and it was utterly unnerving.
"When have you ever seen Arthur and I be anything but buddy-buddy together?" she asked and then plowed ahead. "Never, that’s when. I’m more affectionate with you than I am with Arthur."
Merlin felt discombobulated.
"And, Merlin," Gwen said, her voice gentling. "I know you’ve been in love with Arthur for months now; probably even since that first night you hit on him in the pub."
Merlin’s face flamed and he looked away from her. He didn’t want to be reminded of that night he’d made an arse of himself. It’s when all of this nonsense had started. And even though it had brought him to Gwen, he still couldn’t look past the fact that he’d been an idiot.
Gwen grabbed his chin and shifted his face to look at her again. "No, look at me," she said, softly. "And now I know why you’ve never made a move." She smiled her beautiful, warm smile at him. "Because you thought he and I were dating." She shook her head. "I wish I had realized it sooner, Merlin. I would have told you to go for it a long time ago. The only reason I refrained was because I thought you were uncomfortable with it. Now I know."
Merlin just stared at her. Was this really happening? Was it really, seriously true that Arthur was into him? As much as he was into Arthur?
It seemed improbable, until Merlin started remembering the little things, the small signs of affection:
The weekly meals together that had really never been about he and Arthur, but had suddenly become that.
Arthur’s concern over all things that pertained to Merlin’s love life.
The way he would guide Merlin by placing a hand across his lower back. And rubbing. Gently, almost imperceptibly.
"Oh my god," Merlin said, his jaw dropping straight down.
Gwen chuckled, her eyes twinkling. "Oh Merlin, you are adorably clueless."
Merlin’s mind was reeling and his gut was clenched in an unfamiliar and painful way. What was going on here? When had his gaydar fallen so far off track that he couldn’t even pick up the fact that Arthur and Gwen weren’t dating? That Arthur wasn’t even one hundred percent straight? Where had his ‘sixth sense’ run off to?
"You realize you’re catching flies?" Gwen mused.
Merlin closed his mouth, but sank back further into the couch. Gwen snuggled into his side again and rested her head on his shoulder. "How did I miss this?" Merlin asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
Gwen sighed and turned her head to kiss his cheek, before resting on his shoulder again. She was warm against his side and images of her and Arthur sitting the same way just a few days ago ran through his head. "Sometimes, Merlin, you just have to ask."
They sat in silence for a moment, before Merlin shook his head slightly and then started laughing. Not some kind of quiet chuckle, but a deep belly laugh, shaking his whole body and making Gwen slide off his shoulder. He laughed and laughed, bent over at the waist, head in his hands, and shook with laughter. Tears were rolling down his eyes, and even as he heard Gwen’s confused half-giggles beside him, he couldn’t stop.
Merlin laughed until his sides ached and he couldn’t see... and then he laughed some more. He continued on for a full five minutes. And when he just couldn’t laugh any longer, and he was wheezing out the last of his chuckles, his body still vibrating gently, Merlin looked over at Gwen, who looked more concerned than anything, and with a flash in his eyes said, "I’m going to kill him."
♦♦♦♦♦
"What’s the matter with you today, Merlin?"
Merlin quit biting his lip just long enough to look over at Arthur (Merlin Emrys can look cool, even when he’s losing it.), who had unceremoniously plopped himself on the couch beside him ten minutes ago and hadn’t stopped talking since. He couldn’t recall a damn thing Arthur had said, but he was sure none of it had been even remotely important.
At least not as important as the near-constant freak out session Merlin Emrys is having, Merlin thought.
Arthur quirked an eyebrow at him, when he didn’t respond. "You’re acting weirder than normal."
"I’m fine," Merlin clipped and then looked back at the television, even though he had absolutely no idea what he was watching. What the fuck is wrong with Merlin Emrys?
Ever since he talked with Gwen, and Merlin had found out that Arthur was not only bi-sexual in a big way, but pretty much in love with him, Merlin didn’t know how to act in front of him anymore. He was like Alicia Silverstone in Clueless when she figures out she’s in love with her ex-stepbrother.
Except way less creepy. Because Merlin didn’t care if Josh wasn’t actually related to Cher by blood or even marriage anymore, it was just fucking creepy. Who dates their fucking brother?! Ew!
Classic Merlin Emrys tangent. Merlin cringed.
He could feel Arthur’s eyes on him and continued to use his Laser Death Vision to stare holes in the television screen. What he really wanted to do was ask Arthur to just go away, so he could think in peace. But it was Arthur’s flat, after all.
"You are so not fine," Arthur drawled and tried to pass him a bag of crisps. "Eat something salty. I know how much you love salt. Always makes you happy."
Arthur shook the bag at him temptingly and Merlin knew if he turned to look at him, he’d have his eyebrow raised with a smirk on his stupid face. Merlin did not want to see that beautiful, smirking face. So, he just pushed his shoulder into the bag slightly, indicating that he didn’t want them. "I’m fine, really."
"Lies, Merlin," Arthur said and took a crisp out of the bag. Merlin could see with his peripheral vision that he was studying it like it was the most fascinating thing science had ever invented. "Lies and deceit," he finished and tossed the crisp at Merlin’s head.
Merlin, unable to help himself at that point, turned to half-heartedly glare at Arthur. Of course Arthur would have to be smiling like a damn lunatic, his eyes bright as the sun and his dumb face chiseled like a bloody sculpture. It was so unfair that Arthur was as beautiful as he was, because Merlin was sadly unable to resist him.
Merlin shook his head and grinned, despite himself. "Dinner will be here shortly. We’re having pizza."
Arthur only smiled wider and passed Merlin the bag of crisps again. Merlin took them and popped a few in his mouth. Merlin decided then and there that there was no point in worrying about what to do with Arthur, because he was pretty sure that it would all end up the way it was supposed to.
Merlin would never stop sending wishes to the stars, though, that things would end in his favour.
♦♦♦♦♦
"Here’s the thing," Merlin said, tucking his legs up under him and putting the plate on his lap, a fond expression on his face. "I’m pretty much in love with pizza."
Arthur snorted. "How can you be in love with pizza, Merlin? It’s not a living, breathing thing."
Merlin’s eyes fluttered closed as he took a large bite, the cheese stretching away from his mouth in a thin rope and red sauce smeared across his upper lip. Arthur tried to swallow around the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat. "Oh," Merlin cooed, his mouth full. "It’s possible."
Damn Merlin for teasing him so much. It was bad enough that Arthur was trying to fight this weird attraction that he had to him, but now it was like he was flaunting it in his face. If Arthur weren’t such a nice guy - and craved Merlin’s undivided attention every possible moment he could, the little voice he had been desperately trying to avoid screamed in his head - he’d kick Merlin out on his arse and tell him not to come around anymore. For heaven’s sake, he had even been at their house when Arthur got home from work that evening.
Granted, Gwen had let him in, but it was totally beside the point, because it wasn’t like Gwen was still there now. It was like Merlin lived with them, or something. Arthur couldn’t figure out why someone hadn’t yet mentioned knocking down the wall between their flats to connect them. That was about how much time they all spent back and forth. It almost seemed more practical than wearing down a pathway between their front doors (since not a single one of them used the pavement - it was far too out of the way.)
Arthur watched as Merlin licked his lips, his pink tongue darting out to lap up the cheese hanging from his chin and sauce covering his mouth, and he ached somewhere deep in his belly. And Arthur didn’t like it. Not one little bit.
"You are a train wreck, Merlin," Arthur said, his voice only breaking slightly. He needed to get over this crush. And quickly.
The pouty face that Merlin made, however, was not going to make it easy on him.
♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦
A week later, Will and Merlin were sitting in the living room playing video games, when Will dropped the controller onto the coffee table and declared, "You two sort of make me sick."
They had been chatting about nothing in particular when Merlin had mentioned that Arthu would be there soon. Apparently that’s all was needed to get Will going.
"What you need to do is work on getting the pair of you drunk and just... let out some frustration. You know what I mean?" Will’s eyebrows waggled and he made a lewd gesture with his hands that Merlin could only assume was Will’s poorly-concocted signal of gay coupling.
Merlin rolled his eyes. "Yes, that’s exactly what I think I should do, William. I should most definitely get Arthur drunk and take advantage," Merlin dramatically mimicked Will’s earlier hand motions, "of him. I’m sure things will end up peachy if I do that."
Will pointed at Merlin. "It’s not molestation if both parties are totally begging for it. Which you two obviously are."
What was the world coming to? Will, of all people, could tell that Arthur was interested? Will, the most ignorant and unobservant S.O.B. Merlin knew? Merlin Emrys is in a time warp.
"Look," Will said as he leaned back against the couch and folded his arms across his chest, "all I’m saying is that you should give it a go. You’re not going to know until you try, and all that."
Merlin shook his head. "I think you forget, I do know what will happen." He let his eyes drift down to his ratted sneakers and refused to look at Will when he heard him sigh, deep and heavy. Merlin already knew - all that progress he’d made toward rebuilding his self-esteem and confidence was seemingly gone in the blink of an eye when he was finally allowing himself to even consider another boyfriend. It almost didn’t seem worth it.
"You forget," Will said, his hand gripping Merlin’s shoulder, "that I know you’re not that same scared kid that you were five years ago, Merlin."
Merlin looked up and saw that same Will that had hugged Merlin until he couldn’t breathe when his parents had been killed; the one that had been hurt and confused, but still cared about how Merlin was taking it. Will, despite his rough exterior and his biting wit, was actually a big ol’ softie underneath it all and Merlin hoped that one day he’d show that side to someone other than him.
"You can’t live your life in fear of getting hurt again, mate," Will said, his eyes taking on a glassy, far-away look. Merlin wondered if maybe he was talking to both of them, rather than just him. "Because you’re going to miss out on your life."
Merlin felt tears prick at his eyes and when he went to say I know, the words cut off in his throat. He just nodded his head instead. They sat in silence for a long time after that, Merlin wiping at the tears streaming down his cheeks and Will staring at the paused game on their television.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, Will shifted and Merlin started. The moment was somewhat broken, but Will made sure to add, "And just so you know; I might not like him, but I don’t think he’s a bad guy either."
Merlin looked over at Will - his eyes burned and felt puffy - and smiled. "Yeah," Merlin croaked and nodded his head. "I think you might be right."
Will snorted. "Of course I am," he said, matter-of-factly, but still grinned over at his best friend. "Don’t you forget it."
"You wouldn’t let me even if I tried," Merlin grinned, his heart feeling stronger than it had in years. He hadn’t expected his chat with Will to go quite the way it had, but he should have known, no matter what, that it was going to be spectacular. And it had been. Will wasn’t his best friend for nothing, after all.
Will nodded as there was a knock at the door. He stood up and said, "Fair point. Glad to see you’re catching on after all these years." Merlin laughed as Will walked over to the door and opened it up. Merlin could see Arthur’s blond hair, gorgeous face and muscled physique standing on the other side. His stomach instantly tightened and a lump formed in his throat. Will’s words came back to him and he knew he was right. He had to try.
Merlin was about to get up to stop yet another half-arsed argument between the two of them when he heard Will say, "No, I’m headed out. It’s just the two of you tonight."
"Ah, alright," Arthur responded and Will moved aside to allow him inside. Merlin wasn’t sure what was going on and the fact that the words, prat, arse or tosser had yet to be used, gave him the indication that something weird was definitely going on.
"Look," Will stopped Arthur as he set a hand on his chest. Merlin could almost see the wheels turning in Will’s head and he was scared to know what would come out of his mouth. Will made quick eye contact with him, winking and smirking, before bringing his face closer to Arthur’s.
Merlin never did hear what he whispered.
♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦
Arthur brought his eyebrows together in confusion when Will stopped him. Their whole interaction had already been fairly abnormal, considering they couldn’t be in the same room together for more than a few seconds without one of them getting in a quick jab (that would, inevitably, start up an entire Jab Fest) and Arthur was feeling a little off kilter because of it.
"Look," Will whispered, stepping close. Arthur figured it was to make himself sound more menacing - Will was like that. "Don’t do anything stupid, you hear me?" Will said, his eyes locked with Arthur’s. "If you hurt him, I’ll kill you. No questions asked."
Arthur’s brow knitted together further as he stared back at Will. "I don’t exactly know what you’re talking about, but... yeah. Okay, mate." He rolled his eyes and tried to walk past him all the way and into their flat. He was starving and really didn’t have the energy to deal with Will and his weirdness. At least not before there was some Thai food in his stomach.
Will backed up and started out the door, a smirk on his face. "Just remember what I said," he replied and then walked out, pulling the door closed behind him. Arthur, still a little shocked, just stared at the door.
What the bloody hell was that? Arthur shook his head and turned away to walk into the flat. His eyes immediately fell on Merlin’s, who was sitting on the couch, looking over his shoulder at him, with a strange expression on his face - something akin to confusion and terror. But the thing that really stopped Arthur in his tracks was the blue of Merlin’s eyes. And his pink, plump bottom lip.
They stared at each other for a moment and Arthur had to shift his weight from foot to foot to keep them from collapsing on him with the sheer weight of his feelings.
Sweet mother of all that’s holy, he was turning into a bloody girl.
Arthur cleared his throat and threw a thumb over his shoulder at the door Will had previously walked out. "What’s with him tonight?" he asked as nonchalantly as he could, proud that his voice only cracked a little bit.
Whatever trance Arthur had felt himself in, Merlin must have been in one as well, because his words seemed to jar him back into reality. With a shake of his head, Merlin smiled wide and chuckled when he said, "You mean apart from his normal idiocy?"
Arthur threw his head back and laughed (maybe a little too raucously for the occasion, but who was keeping track?) He walked the rest of the way into the flat and plopped down beside Merlin on the couch, grabbing the Wii controller from the coffee table on his way past. He unpaused the game and quickly started playing Will’s abandoned Mario Kart game.
He knew he should think long and hard on what Will had said to him and what it might mean, but Arthur truly didn’t think he had the mental capacity to actually figure it all out. Everything had been so confusing since he’d met Merlin he sometimes wished it had never happened, so he could go back to the way his life had been before: easy, simple... feeling-free.
And yet, at the same time, Arthur couldn’t imagine going back to the humdrum existence he once lived before he’d met Merlin. Didn’t want to, for that matter. No, Merlin might make things exceptionally dramatic, but it was a much more exciting way of life. He’d dare say that Merlin was his best friend. And that was... well, that was saying something, wasn’t it?
Arthur shook his head when his kart crashed. He was obviously a little too focused on all things Merlin right now, if he was failing to actually win the one Wii game he was master of. Once it was reset, he shot a quick glance over at Merlin, who was surprisingly quiet as he watched the screen. "Please tell me," Arthur said, his hands mimicking the movements on the screen, "that you already ordered the food."
Before Merlin could respond, however, there was a knock at the front door. Arthur cheered as his kart made it over the finish line and said, "Merlin, you’re a genius."
♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦
♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦
Merlin knew that Arthur had had a rough week at work with another assassination attempt against Morgause Black. Merlin, of course, didn’t know all the details surrounding the event, but he knew that every time something happened with Morgause, Arthur was stressed to the max. And because of the stress and extra hours, Arthur had postponed their weekly Thursday night dinner to Friday night.
When Merlin arrived at the house, he had expected to see a fairly jumpy, but relieved that the week was over, Arthur. What he got instead was an Arthur who was still completely engrossed in work that he’d forgotten about their dinner plans. His eyes had widened and an apology was on his lips before Merlin had even registered that he’d forgotten. When Merlin had tried to explain that it was quite alright that Arthur’d forgotten and they could reschedule for the following week when he wasn’t so busy, Arthur had grabbed him by the arm and pulled him inside.
That was one way of shutting Merlin up.
Arthur hadn’t ordered dinner yet, so Merlin called while Arthur sat back down at the kitchen table (a place they almost never sat to have meals) and worked more. He apologized over and over, but kept right on working. Finally, to pass the time waiting for their Mexican delivery, Merlin had started talking. He knew Arthur wasn’t listening to him entirely, but he hadn’t asked him to shut up yet either. So he just kept right on.
He wasn’t sure how the conversation had moved to relationships (specifically Merlin’s knack as a child for finding the one person on the playground that didn’t like him and becoming adorably obsessed with them), but Merlin figured Arthur wasn’t paying attention anyway, so it was a safe subject. Evidently, he was wrong.
"When you were a child, didn’t your mother ever tell you that when a boy is mean to you and pulls your pigtails, it’s because he likes you?"
Merlin’s lips pulled down into a pout. "Yes, well, maybe."
Arthur smirked before looking back down at his paperwork that was becoming increasingly scattered across the kitchen table. Merlin watched Arthur for a second and worried at his bottom lip. He had more to say, but was contemplating whether it was really a good idea to add it. Most interactions that Merlin and Arthur had were of the light-hearted nature. He wasn’t even sure if they had ever had an intensely personal conversation that wasn’t littered with snarky comebacks and witty banter. And Merlin knew if he delved into the subject at hand in the manner in which his heart was pulling him, he would knowingly be bringing about a conversation he was hoping he’d never have to have with the man he was practically in love with.
Or maybe after he’d got him drunk enough to sleep with him first. Then he’d have at least convinced him that, no matter how dorky and ridiculous Merlin was, the the mind-numbing pleasure of having Merlin between Arthur’s legs far outweighed Merlin’s heavy conversation choices.
But as Arthur slipped his pen sideways into his mouth, clenched between brilliantly crooked teeth, and his eyes roamed over the financials spread out in front of him, Merlin knew that he had to tell him. Because it mattered. Because he wanted Arthur to know the real him after all these months. He wanted to make sure that their relationship, even if that meant only as friends, was real.
Merlin took a steadying breath and said, "Besides, even when I was little, no one wanted to be my boyfriend - or girlfriend, for that matter. They were just actually ‘pulling my pigtails’, as you so sensitively put it, and being mean to me because they genuinely didn’t like me."
Arthur looked up, incredulity plain on his face. "Really?"
Merlin nodded. "I was such a dork when I was little. Still am, as you’ve noticed," he said with a slight and crooked smile. "I didn’t even have my first real boyfriend until I was fifteen." Arthur’s mouth opened marginally and Merlin wondered how many people he had slept with by the time he turned fifteen. Quickly, he pushed that thought out of his mind and added, "It was mostly a secret and we were basically friends with a title, I suppose. He never did hold my hand or kiss me good-bye before class... or kiss me at all."
Arthur looked like he was about to interrupt, but now that Merlin was spilling his guts, he was just going to keep at it until he had everything out in the open. "Long story short, it was three months, two dates, and done. He cheated on me with some girl named Amanda - because he was apparently just confused and not actually gay - and then proceeded to be a complete arse about everything for the next two years. It was devastating then, but when I look back now, it was just stupid, childish BS. I got over it fairly quickly."
"Wow," Arthur said.
Merlin nodded again, feeling his face flushing in embarrassment, but continued. "My next boyfriend wasn’t until I was twenty-two. On our first date, he was a perfect gentleman and even kissed me good-night. Two nights later I lost my virginity to him. And three months later, I told him I loved him and he broke up with me. Apparently he’d had plans to do it for a week, but was sweet enough to wait until Valentine’s Day to do it." Merlin sighed. "Two days after that I found out he’d been cheating on me."
Merlin watched Arthur’s face harden and wondered if maybe he was going a little too far with the details of his life. Unfortunately, he couldn’t stop now. He was on a roll and he wanted, no, needed Arthur to know these things. He needed him to know who Merlin was, the good and the bad.
"That’s really not a good track record," Arthur finally said through clenched teeth.
"It gets better," Merlin answered, tearing his eyes away from the disappointed look on Arthur’s face and focusing on the wood grain of the kitchen table. "In the five years since then, I’ve had only two other relationships. The longest was three years and he cheated on me a dozen times, if not more. He was also emotionally abusive. I had no self-esteem left, so I just let it keep happening. Will and Gwaine were always trying to get me to leave him and I just wouldn’t. Some irrational part of me felt like I deserved it, or something." Merlin shrugged. "It was, without a doubt, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through."
"Merlin, that’s just--"
"Stupid?" Merlin interrupted. "Yeah, it was really stupid, but it happened." Merlin felt something pull in his chest when he realized that Arthur was actually judging him. Though, he should have expected that reaction, Merlin had hoped that they really were good enough friends that Arthur would see how much he’d changed. How much he’d grown.
Merlin should have stopped then. Should have just left Arthur to decide on his own if he still wanted to be friends with someone who made such horrible decisions in their love life. But now he just needed it all out there. If Arthur really didn’t want anything to do with him after this, then at least he’d have his answer.
"Finally, I met a guy at the restaurant. He was charming, sweet and exceptionally sexy," Merlin thought he’d try for a wink, but his heart wasn’t in it. "And he had been military for a while, so I just figured he would have to be better than what I’d been dating." Merlin scratched his fingernail against a dried waterspot on the table. "Most importantly he made me feel like I was someone, that what I wanted was just as important as what everyone else wanted. So," Merlin sighed, "I worked up the nerve to break it off with The Three Year Nightmare."
"Well, that’s a plus," Arthur said. Merlin looked up and saw that Arthur was staring back down at his paperwork, but didn’t look like he was actually focused on it. Merlin knew he was making Arthur uncomfortable, knew he needed to stop, knew he was making things far worse than they needed to be.
But he kept going. "It was," he answered. "Unfortunately, after a couple of weeks, the new guy just randomly quit the restaurant and pretty much ignored me and my phone calls for two straight weeks. I found out later that he was the only man to not cheat on me."
Arthur attempted a smile at him, but it came off as more of a grimace. "Small favours?"
Merlin shook his head and sighed again. "It would have been if I hadn’t found out that he was married and I was the one he was cheating on his wife with."
Arthur cringed. "Please tell me you’ve had at least one good relationship, Merlin."
Merlin shrugged. "There was. Just the one," he said and tried not to think too hard about how in love he’d been with Gilli and how he’d screwed the whole thing up over a small fib (that had grown into a giant lie). "Unfortunately, amongst other issues like me sabotaging the entire relationship, he lived almost 500 miles away and it was too difficult to spend time together."
"You have really bad luck, don’t you?"
"With relationships, yeah," Merlin answered and rubbed his hands over his face, letting out a sigh. "Probably why it’s been so long since I’ve really had a boyfriend; I don’t want to get hurt again." Merlin thought for a second and then added, "Or that was my excuse at the beginning anyway."
Arthur cocked his head to the side, looking confused. "What’s your excuse now?"
Merlin thought for another minute, until he was certain about his answer. While he was silent, he could tell that Arthur was staring at him intently, and Merlin was regretting even starting the conversation in the first place. "I still think it’s partially because I don’t want to get hurt," Merlin answered, unable to look Arthur in the eye, so he focused somewhere between his chest and the table. "But I also think I’m so set in my ways now, that I just don’t make the effort." Merlin paused and then added, "Dating is hard and dramatic. And my life is stressful enough as it is. It’s just easier this way, I guess."
"That’s just lazy, Merlin."
He looked up to see Arthur smiling at him. Merlin tried a smile back. "Yeah. Maybe."
They stared at each other a bit too long after that, and Merlin felt the intense urge to blurt out how much he loved Arthur. He wanted to tell him that if he were willing to give a shot, Merlin would be more than happy to open up a niche in his already stressful life to slot Arthur into it. He wanted to tell him that he’d been head over heels for him since the first night he’d laid eyes on him and he wanted to show him just how much he wanted him. It would probably end badly, but Merlin wanted to try. He just wanted to know.
But then Arthur was looking uncomfortable and he cleared his throat, looking back down at the paperwork scattered across the table. The moment was broken and Merlin was glad for it. He didn’t care what Gwen had said about Arthur being in love with him. Arthur hadn’t made a move and they had known each other for months. Gwen was mistaken.
"I wonder where dinner is," Arthur said, his pen tapping against the table in a broken rhythm.
Merlin shrugged. "It’s taking an abnormally long time. I’ll call them."
♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦
Arthur’s stomach had churned while listening to Merlin’s relationship story earlier in the evening. He had wanted to tell him to stop so many times. He hadn’t wanted to hear how Merlin had been slighted and hurt so much that it was obvious it had had a lasting effect on him. But since it was the first time Merlin had really opened up to him, he craved to know more. Even if it was a heart wrenching tale. He had gotten a a rare glimpse of the Merlin Gwaine and Will knew and loved. So, he hadn’t stopped him.
And it had been hard to listen to. Arthur, more than once, had wanted to get up from the table, grab him by the shoulders and shake him. He had wanted to growl at him that he deserved so much better than those jerks that had hurt him. Arthur had wanted to show him that he could be that better he was looking for.
But those thoughts had been enough to stop him. In the months that he had known Merlin, the only time he had ever hit on Arthur was the first night they’d met and Merlin had been pissed. There had been moments when Arthur thought that maybe Merlin was flirting with him, but it had been there and gone so quickly, he figured he’d only imagined it. Obviously Merlin wasn’t interested in him. Well, as more than a friend that is.
And he didn’t know why it mattered anyway. Arthur just souldn’t be interested in him. Maybe at the beginning, he should have attempted a relationship with him. It could have gone one of two ways: great or catastrophic. In the first instance, Arthur would have had a great boyfriend and regular sex. In the second, he’d probably have had to move. Not so great, but one of the pitfalls of dating your neighbour.
But Arthur hadn’t tried to date Merlin. Instead, he had spent countless hours trying to convince himself that he wasn’t really attracted to Merlin, that he wasn’t his type and that Arthur was only infatuated with him because he was so desperate for a partner.
Now, he couldn’t be with Merlin even if he wanted to. Because Merlin was practically his best friend, next to Gwen. And Arthur wasn’t willing to lose that. Ever.
He snuck a look over at Merlin, who had his head leaned back against the sofa, barely awake, and the corner of his mouth went up.
Arthur had had a stressful week and had felt terribly guilty having to cancel their regular Thursday night dinner and then forgetting that he’d rescheduled it for Friday. He’d felt guilty that he’d spent most of their evening working on paperwork and getting his notes ready for the special broadcasts he’d have to be apart of on Sunday morning. But Merlin, the forever optimist, had taken it all in stride. He had sat across from Arthur and just talked. He had only felt like he had to listen to half of what Merlin was saying and it was like Merlin knew that Arthur just needed the noise. The company.
Arthur hadn’t planned on him going into great detail about his past love life. He hadn’t planned on being sucked into it and feeling so emotionally attached. Then again, Merlin was his friend and he should feel angry about the way he’d been treated in his relationships. When Arthur looked at it that way, it all made a lot more sense.
He and Merlin were friends. Anything else would be awkward and confusing and Arthur just didn’t have the time in his stressful, busy schedule to deal with awkward and confusing.
With that decision finalized in his head, Arthur reached out a finger and poked at Merlin’s shoulder. When Merlin grunted a response, he rolled his eyes. "Wake up, mate."
Merlin’s eyes had drifted shut in the time it took Arthur to work through his feelings and though Arthur knew he was still awake, Merlin kept his eyes closed. "Nrgh."
"Seriously," Arthur said, poking him again, a little harder. "You think this sofa is comfortable now. Just wait until you have to sleep on it for more than a quick nap." Merlin’s bottom lip poked out into a pout and Arthur tipped his head back and laughed. "Get out of here, you nut. Go sleep in your bed, in your own flat. Go, go, go."
Merlin pried his eyes open. "Alright, alright," he said, trying to pout around his grin. It wasn’t working very well. "I’m going. Pushy."
"Well, it is my flat," Arthur said as they both got up from the sofa quite slowly.
"That’s a mirror image of mine," Merlin responded.
"Only decorated better."
"Shut it."
They were both grinning ear to ear when they got to the front door. Arthur stood behind Merlin as he slipped his trainers back on his feet and opened the door. He was on his way out and Arthur was about to tell him good night, when Merlin stopped and turned around, standing on the doorstep. "Listen," he said and looked up from his trainers slowly. "I’m sorry about being so... share-y tonight."
"That’s not a word," Arthur said, trying to keep things light. It was really too late in the evening to be having more serious conversations.
Merlin smirked, but it was only half-hearted. "You know what I mean," he answered. "It was a little out of normal range of conversation and... I just didn’t want you to think--" Merlin stopped and chewed on his bottom lip for a minute.
When he didn’t look like he was going to say anything else, Arthur snuck out his hand and punched him lightly in the shoulder. "It’s no big thing, mate. Don’t worry about it."
Merlin looked at the place Arthur had just punched and then back to his face. It was a weird expression and Arthur was pretty sure the gesture wasn’t what Merlin had expected. But since Arthur had never really been all that in touch with his emotions, this was the best he was going to get.
"Yeah," Merlin said, shuffling his feet. "Just... thanks for listening."
Arthur nodded. "Anytime."
And then he did something he hadn’t done with anyone (outside Gwen and Morgana) in a really long time. He pulled Merlin into him and hugged him. He hadn’t even know he was going to do it until he was already reaching toward him, but now that he had his arms around Merlin’s skinny frame, he knew that it was something Merlin had needed. Maybe it was something they both needed. Arthur couldn’t be sure.
Merlin, stiff backed at first, finally relaxed and wrapped his arms around Arthur. It seemed awkward at first and then nice. But it quickly turned awkward again when the hug held on a bit too long. Slowly, he started to pull away, but Merlin kept one hand on his waist, the other up over around his shoulder. Merlin stared into Arthur’s eyes, intensity there that he had never seen before, making him uncomfortable. Arthur wanted to turn and retreat into the house.
But just as he was tying to pull away, about to laugh off the moment, Merlin lunged forward and pressed his mouth against Arthur’s. Merlin’s lips were dry and chapped, but warm and his eyes were clenched shut. Arthur stared at them, looked at his long lashes, lashes that should have been on a girl, and let Merlin kiss him.
A part of Arthur wanted to kiss him back. The other part of him, the part that had adamantly decided that they were going to be friends forever and nothing but, was resisting. Arthur didn’t want to hurt Merlin. And if they started something and it got awkward, Merlin would inevitably get hurt. Arthur couldn’t be the one to do that.
And selfishly, Arthur didn’t want to ruin their friendship. He needed to have Merlin in his life now. He was going to be a permanent fixture whether Merlin wanted to be or not. Having a relationship with him would only jeopardize that. Arthur wasn’t willing to risk it.
After a moment, Merlin realized that Arthur was not responding and he pulled back quickly. His long fingers went to cover his lips, his eyes wide in shock, and Arthur was instantly aware of how cold his own lips now felt.
"I’m--" Merlin shook his head. "I’m so sorry."
And before Arthur could laugh it off, Merlin turned on his heel and ran across their gardens to his front door and disappeared inside. Arthur watched him go, but didn’t call him back. He stood there staring for a full five minutes before he started to shiver. Looking down at his bare feet, Arthur stepped back inside and pushed the door closed.