Stop Time
I just read my last journal entry from 2010 and I wanted to puke. It's been three years and Kyle won't stop torturing me. Yes, I love him dearly but our relationship was so volatile. He wouldn't stop drinking and I took Benzos to stop the pain. It was hard to watch him withdrawal from alcohol. I would usually let him sweat it out in the bedroom and I'd stay in the living room, or he would stay on the futon and I would let him go through delirium tremors. He didn't know that I cried for him, and that I prayed that things would get better. I had been friends with Kyle for nine years, and yes we had our fights but we always made up afterward.
About a week ago he told me that he was getting married. I don't believe this to be true be he doesn't have any means to support a wife. He has no job, no car and no previous job experience. He started a fight with me that was really vicious. I should have stopped talking to him immediately but we just kept fighting. Now that Kyle's mother is dead, I wonder if she watches us, and what must she think of our fights? I remember speaking to Kyle after his mother died. Literally, the same night that she died, and he was in complete shock. I wanted to be there but I was so sick and I couldn't make it to Houston.
He just lost his mother's dog and it's crushed him. I told him that I was sorry for his loss and he said, "No, you're not." I don't know why he thought I wasn't being sincere. I loved his family and I loved the animals. It made me sad too and he just kept spouting off. He claimed he had a right to drink because the dog had died, and while that might be true, he didn't have a right to verbally bash me for two hours.
Right now I need his friendship and support more than anything. Two months ago I started being, "Stalked," by a client of mine. He was one of my students and he got way too involved. He kept writing me letters and he wouldn't stop bothering me. I couldn't be mean because we're working with people who are extremely disturbed, so the letters continued. One day he was in my office and I got up to grab a print out for a student and he grabbed my crouch from under my dress. At that point I had to tell my boss and he was arrested (because he was court ordered to the program.) After telling my story, I have been working in a hostile work environment. I think they're afraid I'm going to sue, and the truth of the matter is, I do want to sue. They won't do anything to protect me from this guy, and I found out today that Human Resources never called his Parole Officer, so I had to do it.
After you're assaulted you feel guilt and shame. I even feel sympathy for him, and he is disgusting to do something like that to me, in my office. He wanted to marry me and have a new life together. He told me this on numerous occasions and I didn't say anything. I didn't really know how to respond. I am not a therapist. I do pray that things get better for him. He had cancer and he had told me a really horrible war story. I don't wish anything bad upon him, but I do want to be left alone.
I thought that Kyle could possibly help me with this problem. I thought he would be there for me and that I could count on him for moral support. Before he started the fight with me, we had been having really good conversations. I have no idea what made him flip out. I wonder if he needs mood stabilizers? He should probably be honest with his therapist and tell her that he's completely out of control. The funny this is, I'm not envious of any potential wife. I wouldn't want that job. She's going to have to deal with blackouts, empty liquor bottles, lies, manipulation, mindfucking, stealing, and his total lack of consideration for anyone but himself. I should have known that our relationship was doomed before it even started. Sometimes you can't control who you fall in love with, but you can certainly enter self preservation mode and get away. It took me way too long.
I guess I can understand how isolated and sad Kyle's mother must have felt. He probably did the same things to her, and maybe one day she couldn't take it anymore. He was constantly berating her and when he did it in front of me, I felt really uncomfortable.
About a week ago he told me that he was getting married. I don't believe this to be true be he doesn't have any means to support a wife. He has no job, no car and no previous job experience. He started a fight with me that was really vicious. I should have stopped talking to him immediately but we just kept fighting. Now that Kyle's mother is dead, I wonder if she watches us, and what must she think of our fights? I remember speaking to Kyle after his mother died. Literally, the same night that she died, and he was in complete shock. I wanted to be there but I was so sick and I couldn't make it to Houston.
He just lost his mother's dog and it's crushed him. I told him that I was sorry for his loss and he said, "No, you're not." I don't know why he thought I wasn't being sincere. I loved his family and I loved the animals. It made me sad too and he just kept spouting off. He claimed he had a right to drink because the dog had died, and while that might be true, he didn't have a right to verbally bash me for two hours.
Right now I need his friendship and support more than anything. Two months ago I started being, "Stalked," by a client of mine. He was one of my students and he got way too involved. He kept writing me letters and he wouldn't stop bothering me. I couldn't be mean because we're working with people who are extremely disturbed, so the letters continued. One day he was in my office and I got up to grab a print out for a student and he grabbed my crouch from under my dress. At that point I had to tell my boss and he was arrested (because he was court ordered to the program.) After telling my story, I have been working in a hostile work environment. I think they're afraid I'm going to sue, and the truth of the matter is, I do want to sue. They won't do anything to protect me from this guy, and I found out today that Human Resources never called his Parole Officer, so I had to do it.
After you're assaulted you feel guilt and shame. I even feel sympathy for him, and he is disgusting to do something like that to me, in my office. He wanted to marry me and have a new life together. He told me this on numerous occasions and I didn't say anything. I didn't really know how to respond. I am not a therapist. I do pray that things get better for him. He had cancer and he had told me a really horrible war story. I don't wish anything bad upon him, but I do want to be left alone.
I thought that Kyle could possibly help me with this problem. I thought he would be there for me and that I could count on him for moral support. Before he started the fight with me, we had been having really good conversations. I have no idea what made him flip out. I wonder if he needs mood stabilizers? He should probably be honest with his therapist and tell her that he's completely out of control. The funny this is, I'm not envious of any potential wife. I wouldn't want that job. She's going to have to deal with blackouts, empty liquor bottles, lies, manipulation, mindfucking, stealing, and his total lack of consideration for anyone but himself. I should have known that our relationship was doomed before it even started. Sometimes you can't control who you fall in love with, but you can certainly enter self preservation mode and get away. It took me way too long.
I guess I can understand how isolated and sad Kyle's mother must have felt. He probably did the same things to her, and maybe one day she couldn't take it anymore. He was constantly berating her and when he did it in front of me, I felt really uncomfortable.