(no subject)
This is my second day that I have not left the house. I can not bear the pain any longer. This time I will not tell my two good friends my intentions. I will pack my bags and my pills and leave. I can't die in my own home from Bob to find me, that would be a horrible thing to do.
I am never going to be okay. With so many hours upon hours of therapy and thousands of pills, I'm still just as fucked up as ever. How could I possibly go on a dating website and think that would make things okay? Jose said he would come over, not because he wanted to keep me around in case his other girl (as Marie thinks he has - didn't work out), but because he was afraid to tell me he didn't want me. Nobody wants to hurt someone else's feelings. I'm mad and hurt, but do I blame him? No.
I should probably speak with my sister and clear the air with her before I leave this earth. We've never been okay with each other and it would only be the right thing to do. I fixed things with my uncle, why wouldn't I do it with her? I keep on trying to make things right with Bob, but we keep on fighting. Maybe it's my way of protecting him? Although, he's going to think it's his fault and I don't want that. How can I make him understand that I'm so screwed up? Someone like me will never ever be okay.
I don't want to leave my little kitties, when they really need me. I hope Bob can take care of them like I have. But, I can't stay in this world being as sick as I am. I can't see my therapist or my shrink or they will commit me right now. I've been wanting to die since I've been 7 or 8, how long can I fight this?
Right now, I just want someone to hold me and to fully understand what I'm going through. To not think of me as a freak and to not try to tell me how to "get better". I wish I knew what to do, but for someone that's been told that I'll have this for life, how do you deal with that? I hate pretending and smiling all the time. To be told that I'm one of the happiest people others have ever met. What a joke that is! I don't bother with prayer much, since it was my maker that made me this way. If I go to hell, then I guess that is it.
I just hope this time, I don't wake up. I have to get everything in order and drive off to a hotel and that's it. I'm sorry for my siblings, but I'm so tormented. I can't do this anymore. No more, no more, no more.
I am never going to be okay. With so many hours upon hours of therapy and thousands of pills, I'm still just as fucked up as ever. How could I possibly go on a dating website and think that would make things okay? Jose said he would come over, not because he wanted to keep me around in case his other girl (as Marie thinks he has - didn't work out), but because he was afraid to tell me he didn't want me. Nobody wants to hurt someone else's feelings. I'm mad and hurt, but do I blame him? No.
I should probably speak with my sister and clear the air with her before I leave this earth. We've never been okay with each other and it would only be the right thing to do. I fixed things with my uncle, why wouldn't I do it with her? I keep on trying to make things right with Bob, but we keep on fighting. Maybe it's my way of protecting him? Although, he's going to think it's his fault and I don't want that. How can I make him understand that I'm so screwed up? Someone like me will never ever be okay.
I don't want to leave my little kitties, when they really need me. I hope Bob can take care of them like I have. But, I can't stay in this world being as sick as I am. I can't see my therapist or my shrink or they will commit me right now. I've been wanting to die since I've been 7 or 8, how long can I fight this?
Right now, I just want someone to hold me and to fully understand what I'm going through. To not think of me as a freak and to not try to tell me how to "get better". I wish I knew what to do, but for someone that's been told that I'll have this for life, how do you deal with that? I hate pretending and smiling all the time. To be told that I'm one of the happiest people others have ever met. What a joke that is! I don't bother with prayer much, since it was my maker that made me this way. If I go to hell, then I guess that is it.
I just hope this time, I don't wake up. I have to get everything in order and drive off to a hotel and that's it. I'm sorry for my siblings, but I'm so tormented. I can't do this anymore. No more, no more, no more.