5:00 ..
How can it be 5:00, I haven't done anything today. I've watched tv. I had some pizza. I attempted to buy things online but luckily I don't have a debit card. Heh :P Ebay and me would be best friends if I did, I see so many 50's dresses I want to buy but can't. Or won't. Steward baby, I'm a steward. a good one. ...well now I am. Wasn't before.
I'm a little low on the joy scale. I think I just feel so unworthy of walking the path that I *think* he has for me. I feel called to missions, but...I want so bad to be a wife. To be the helper in my husbands missions, to completly support him while he totally searchs after God. I'm called to ministry...I can't imagine myself anywhere else. Sometimes when you write these things you begin to figure it out. I need not worry about my husband though, I need to.....lol...
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Wow..just...last night.....this is an entry within an entry. Last night I went to the Conways, every single time I go over there I leave almost crying because their family so loves each other, they so....they are beautiful. Everyone in that family is beautiful. I long so much for a Daddy like that, I long so much for a husband like that, in their simple small home they've created a haven for love to overflow. They have the joy of the Lord. When I read the bible I don't want to read it as a textbook, its my life. It's my entire manual. Abba Father, I pray to see how the other Christians see. I want to read this word and see you talking to me. ..this is an entry from my actual journal
"Abba I'm so confused, I feel like i'm fluttering in the wind now sure on which was I will go or should go. Stablized me, Oh God please help. I felt lead to be a missionary with barely any bibical backing..I feel like I'm not enough. In the world I was always enough but in ministry I lack. I don't see you, I can't talk to you...my sisters see you so well but I can't see the obvious. Are you speaking to me? Or is it just me speaking to me? I want a father, I want a family, Lord I want to support...Papa could I have a family like this, Lord could you give me a husband. I want to be his helper its such a desire of mine to honor you and love him...daddy God prepare me..."
I wanted to see something miraculous, I want to lead of life of miracles in his name, I want to travel the world and tell people how much he loves him. After I stopped writing I went to the floor where my bible was and begged God to show me something, confirm anything in his word. I want to see scripture speak to me, I love you Lord, please show me you are here....I close my eyes and turned to a random page. I saw nothing. I tried again and again and prayed and begged to be shown ANYTHING. I saw nothing that spoke to me....can you understand what I'm saying? I want to see his glory! I wanted a prayer to be answered, sometimes you just want to know beyond a doubt, you just want him to touch you or talk to you literaly, its hard to know if you are doing the right thing.
..and then....as I'm posting this entry and quoting Matthew 11 (seek first) my mind wanders to Ruth, I'm asking a million things in my head. God can I see your glory, God can I have a husband, Lord can I go to Japan, Father make me into a reverent woman.....he spoke.....I mean not outloud...but I knew this was meant for me..and now my daughter..don't be afraid...for I will do for you all you ask...Ruth 3:11. I sat in silence then a couple tears streamed down...when God speaks to you you'll end up in awe. It was meant for me, I know it was.
My Lord, my Father. My redeemer. There's no one like you...I trust in you and thank you for ...you. Thank you.
I'm a little low on the joy scale. I think I just feel so unworthy of walking the path that I *think* he has for me. I feel called to missions, but...I want so bad to be a wife. To be the helper in my husbands missions, to completly support him while he totally searchs after God. I'm called to ministry...I can't imagine myself anywhere else. Sometimes when you write these things you begin to figure it out. I need not worry about my husband though, I need to.....lol...
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Wow..just...last night.....this is an entry within an entry. Last night I went to the Conways, every single time I go over there I leave almost crying because their family so loves each other, they so....they are beautiful. Everyone in that family is beautiful. I long so much for a Daddy like that, I long so much for a husband like that, in their simple small home they've created a haven for love to overflow. They have the joy of the Lord. When I read the bible I don't want to read it as a textbook, its my life. It's my entire manual. Abba Father, I pray to see how the other Christians see. I want to read this word and see you talking to me. ..this is an entry from my actual journal
"Abba I'm so confused, I feel like i'm fluttering in the wind now sure on which was I will go or should go. Stablized me, Oh God please help. I felt lead to be a missionary with barely any bibical backing..I feel like I'm not enough. In the world I was always enough but in ministry I lack. I don't see you, I can't talk to you...my sisters see you so well but I can't see the obvious. Are you speaking to me? Or is it just me speaking to me? I want a father, I want a family, Lord I want to support...Papa could I have a family like this, Lord could you give me a husband. I want to be his helper its such a desire of mine to honor you and love him...daddy God prepare me..."
I wanted to see something miraculous, I want to lead of life of miracles in his name, I want to travel the world and tell people how much he loves him. After I stopped writing I went to the floor where my bible was and begged God to show me something, confirm anything in his word. I want to see scripture speak to me, I love you Lord, please show me you are here....I close my eyes and turned to a random page. I saw nothing. I tried again and again and prayed and begged to be shown ANYTHING. I saw nothing that spoke to me....can you understand what I'm saying? I want to see his glory! I wanted a prayer to be answered, sometimes you just want to know beyond a doubt, you just want him to touch you or talk to you literaly, its hard to know if you are doing the right thing.
..and then....as I'm posting this entry and quoting Matthew 11 (seek first) my mind wanders to Ruth, I'm asking a million things in my head. God can I see your glory, God can I have a husband, Lord can I go to Japan, Father make me into a reverent woman.....he spoke.....I mean not outloud...but I knew this was meant for me..and now my daughter..don't be afraid...for I will do for you all you ask...Ruth 3:11. I sat in silence then a couple tears streamed down...when God speaks to you you'll end up in awe. It was meant for me, I know it was.
My Lord, my Father. My redeemer. There's no one like you...I trust in you and thank you for ...you. Thank you.