And things continue downhill....
Fuck. It just keeps getting worse. I can not believe it. It's not a case of I'm depressed, it's just nothing goes right!! NOTHING!!! I'm extremely jealous at the moment, and people seem to be trying to rub it in my face. Seriously, wipe the shit-eating grins off your faces. Boys still suck (I'll see this particular boy at practice tonight). I'm surprised I misjudged him that much, I mean, I just don't do that. I have learned I am extremely good at two things: making good initial judgements of people; and also humoring them, for lack of want of crueler wording. It just surprises me I got this one so incredibly wrong. My mom keeps saying that "he's shaking in his boots." Yeah, I can believe that ; but permenantly? I just misjudged him. I have never done that before. I've misjudged myself, but never someone else and don't give me any bullshit about how I've misjudged you horribly before because then I'll have to tell you the bitchy truth about how I was humoring you too! I'm just gonna get it out, and I will warn you right now, with what I am about to tell you, if it leaves this website I will kill you. All of you. But I have to get it out it's driving me nuts. My mom's really miserable and my dad is turning into his mother. I've always thought that I would want mom to divorce dad if it ever got bad, cause I would want at least one of them to be happy instead of none. Mom confirmed my thoughts, and told me before she told dad. She still hasn't told him. She's going to wait until we get into college. But fuck. I never thought I would be one of those kids where it would bug me but it does; I honestly feel like I've failed. Horribly. And Mom and I had another talk about her clot last night. I finally get exactly how horrible it was, apperently it was close to her heart at one point and she was having heart-attacks or close to it. And my dad spent his fucking time in Australia and he knew how deadly this could be. HE KNEW!!! WTF?! I think what drove the point home was the fact that her life-insurance dropped her, which basically translates into the fact that statistics show people often get second clots and die. I am not ready for her to die. Any of them. I feel so incredibly unprepared, I wish I didn't even know this stuff. I mean, I wish she wouldn't tell me, but then again, who else is she gonna tell? She has no friends here, her life sucks. She's off kumadin in May, which scares me because I hope to god there is no more clotting. And coursework is killing me, if I get through this week I'll be ok and then I have two weeks till I have a month long twenty-exam run, which amounts in more than 40 hours of exams. On a lighter note, I have made being a lesbian cool at my school. After monthes of preaching, every girl at the school is convinced they're lesbians now and the guys love it (can you say lemming?). And my Italian friend Fred is with an abusive b/f who bugs the shit out of me. And someone (girl) whom I thought was my friend kissed me today. . . . But most of all I'm just scared shitless about my parents, loosing my mom. It's probably dumb, but it really scares me. That's what I meant when I said I have five years to save them, I have five years till Laurel gets to college, five years for me to somehow make their lives better. Shit it scares me so much. The only honest thing I feel like I'm doing right now is a thesis on the comparitive theory and theology of the Matrix and BladeRunner; and that in itself is depressing.