Review of Nora Roberts' All the Possibilities. Angry.
me: i'm reading a book and it's making me angry
Ren: ??
me: nora roberts, all the possibilities. man meets woman. woman doesn't date politicians for personal, traumatic reasons. man is politician. both are attracted, she says no anyway because she doesn't think the attraction is worth breaking her rule for. man doesn't take no for an answer. 109 pages in, after she said no to a date three times and then decided to go with him to the zoo, he decides they'll get married in the fall. he hasn't told her this yet.
Ren: ... the hell?
me: 'i don't want to go to the zoo with you.'
'you have a lovely speaking voice. when will you be ready to go?'
'*she laughs*'
these are quotes.
Ren: ......
me: 'okay, politician man, if i go out with you once, will you stop sending presents to my shop?'
'sure thing. zoo or art gallery?'
Ren: why are you reading this?
me: at this point? trainwreck, and i'm plotting up a rant about the trend.
because i like nora roberts, and this is pissing me off
Ren: maybe we'll get lucky and she'll stab him later!
me: also, i really am sick of the 'serious man and gypsy woman' thing. possibly this is one of the reasons i like babs and dick: he's the light, moving, unpredictable one. she's the logical, orderly one.
Ren: heh, yes
fuck you, romance, i am capable of having both a vagina and a career
me: well, she is successful. she's a potter who runs her own shop. but... she's not a 'career woman' per say, and she's described early on as dressing like a cross between esmerelda and heidi.
Ren: gah
me: heh.
scottish redhead, daughter of a politician who was assassinated not twenty feet away from her when she was eleven.
wild gypsy girl
Ren: ......
me: and it's all 'la la la, she really wants this man, isn't it silly that she keeps saying no?'
NO. NO IT'S NOT.
Ren: really not!
me: and he's all -- this is a direct quote, because he's telling her that she can't just dismiss him just because he's a politician, and he wants her, and she asks what about what she wants -- 'the hell with what you want.' and then he kisses her, when she's trapped against the door.
Ren: gah
me: and she's scared and aroused and kissing back, and i'm screaming at the book SHE SAID NO
STOP TURNING HER NO INTO YES
Ren: no shit!
me: and you can tell they'll end up getting married
Ren: well, yeah, it's a nora roberts book
me: and she'll laugh about how silly she was to not want to go out with him because he reminded her of her dead father
Ren: gah
me: well, that and everyone but her thinks they're such a good couple
polar opposites! he's stern and dryly funny and has hidden depths, she's wild and zany and artistic! totally m2b!
Ren: obviously!
me: except that she KEEPS SAYING NO
and *nobody* -- not even her -- is respecting said no
Ren: blech
me: she's written some really good stuff, i promise. several even pass bechdel's law.
this one is driving me up the wall.
Ren: i see
me: and she's written artistic guy, career woman. said artistic guy was stern and ethnic, though, career woman was very very WASP
i just... this one is GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH
Ren: bah
me: *makes angry faces*
Ren: *pets*
me: and now she's all angsty because she's falling in love with him, honest! they met less than two weeks ago!
Ren: euw
me: she keeps saying she doesn't want to date him and she's falling for him, isn't it sweet?
*KAT SMASH*
Ren: euuuuuw
me: and he's not angsty, he's planned when they'll marry and where
Ren: this gives me the heebies
me: i definitely vastly prefer other stories of hers. ones where the guy isn't pinging my 'creepy stalker buttons'
Ren: yes
me: what angers me most is the no issue. and her being scared and liking it and kissing back even though she'd said 'hey, you're hot, i'm not interested'
to which he replies 'your pulse is racing, you totally want me'
Ren: ick
me: *gnashes teeth*
Ren: dear nora, the era of the bodice ripper has passed. please try to not have RAGING CONSENT ISSUES ignored as silliness. there's LAWS about that shit, yo. no love, me
me: *sends that letter along with an accompanying note from me about having your hero acting like a creepy scumbag and your heroine treated by the text as having admittedly real issues that get ignored in favor of Teh Romance!!eleventyone!*
Ren: *HEEBS*
me: the force of my rage broke my internet!
and omg wtf IT GOT WORSE
Ren: wow
....
that's so sad
me: he walks into her place of employment, where she is chatting with a customer, and blithely kisses her. 'i brought you a present.'
Ren: gah
me: 'no!' and pushes him away. 'go away.'
these, by the way, are all direct quotes this time around.
Ren: euuuuuw
me: 'is that any way to act when someone brings you a present?' "'of course it isn't,' he went on as though she'd agreed."
Ren: it is when it's a STALKER
me: and then the customer, unnerved by Teh Romance!!!, walks out. at which point she tells him she's closing shop.
'good idea,' he agrees, and proceeds to BOLT THE DOOR.
OMG EEK
Ren: .....
GET THE MACE
me: recap: he has walked into her business, kissed her, given her a gift when she told him no, and locked them in her shop alone together.
Ren: omg, the badficcers totally STOLE nora's good name and published SHIT under it!
me: she asks him what the crap he thinks he's doing, and he tells her they're going out to dinner.
Ren: ...
me: she says no, he '"can't tell" her 'what to do.'
'i am telling you. i've come to the conclusion you've been asked too often in your life and not told often enough.' at which point he DRAGS HER OUTSIDE TO HIS CAR. AND PUSHES HER IN.
Ren: .....
CALL THE COPS
me: ladies and gentlemen, she then tells him 'i have a date at seven,' let me OUT OF YOUR CAR.
'pity, we probably won't be back by then.'
CALL THE MOTHERFUCKING COPS, LADY
Ren: COPS
this should end with a restraining order and some very embarrassing headlines which will seriously harm any chance buttmonkey has of getting reelected, NOT with a wedding
me: and then they're in the restaurant and the waiter, 'recognizing romance in the air,' gives them a candlelight table. he takes her hand, tells her he thought they should have some tradition. she tells him 'this isn't a date' and HOLDS HIS HAND BACK
WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK
Ren: gah
excuse yourself to the ladies' room and RUN OUT THE BACK DOOR
me: seriously. i. what the shit is this, nora?
that is CREEPY and also ILLEGAL
Ren: YES
me: and before they got to the restaurant? they were in the car, he kissed her lightly, then she went omgeek and got out -- he proceeds to tell her 'you taste of the rain' and kisses her harder. she kisses BACK
!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU ON?
Ren: …
burn the book
me: i. dude.
okay, i am incapable of burning a book, and also it's my mother's rather than mine, but what the FUCK
Ren: it would be a service to humanity
me: she was kissed against her will in her place of employment -- which she owns -- in front of a customer, had her no dismissed by him as being her typical response that meant she liked it, was dragged out to his car to go on a date she explicitly tells him she doesn't want to be on, is kissed AGAIN, and has yet to do anything other than make smart remarks about how he can't do this.
Ren: ickickick
me: this is where we HIT THE MOTHERFUCKING BASTARD AND RUN AWAY. this is where we SHOUT FOR HELP. this is where we CALL THE COPS
Ren: no kidding
euw
me: this is not where we kiss back and think about half-realized dreams and rainbows and love.
Ren: euweuweuw
me: *creeped the fuck out*
Ren: it sounds utterly hideous
me: i have no idea how the same woman who has written works about women surviving abuse can write this work of crap
Ren: euw
*shudders*
me: this is the blurb on the back: Creative, compelling, and unconventional -- Shelby Campbell is nothing like any woman Senator Alan MacGregor has ever known... and he's determined to explore All the Possibilities.
Ren: including harassment and stalking!
me: determined unto STALKING AND KIDNAPPING
minds!
Ren: ....
BWAHAHAHAHA
wonder if he has a checklist
"harassment. stalking. physical assault. sexual assault. kidnapping. ... hey, does she have a dog i could kill?"
me: i can't finish this. i. they'll end up together and i can't. no. JAIL TIME, MR. SENATOR.
watch him end up as president at the end.
Ren: gaaaaah
me: with his creative, unconventional, potter wife!
who should have CALLED THE COPS ON HIM
Ren: no kidding
bet he'll only leave bruises where her clothes cover them
me: nora, i expected better from you!
and that's so damn plausible.
Ren: no kidding
me: but if anybody suggested it to him, he'd be so appalled, and yet...
Ren: well, it wouldn't be the first prominent man to go that route
me: just ignoring her no, stonewalling her resistance, shoving her into walls and kissing her... yeah, i can easily write that
Ren: yup
me: and if nora allowed fanfic? i WOULD
i might do it anyway
do it as origfic
Ren: it's a thought
me: so that people will get through their heads that no, dear little idiots, this isn't romantic or sweet or sappy.
this is fucking creepy.
Ren: mmhmmm
me: even if i didn't write the physical abuse? emotional and mental like whoa.
Ren: mmhmmm
because he's ALREADY DOING IT
me: yes, exactly.
Ren: BEFORE there is an established relationship
me: *skeeved as all hell*
Dingsi: .... okay. I. err. that is. i.....
me: are you as creeped out as we were?
Dingsi: TOTALLY. If this were a fic, people would TEAR IT TO SHREDS. I mean, aside the things you already mentioned (and a big WORD on that, this is NOT romantic) there's also the fact that a racing pulse is a symptom not only of lust, but also FEAR and ANGER. *snarls* And, and, and she... this... GAAAH.
This is SO OBVIOUSLY a creepy icky take-me-by-force-you-strongwilled-hunk-of-a-man FANTASY.
FAN FIC TAUGHT ME THIS
me: and it's basically saying the same thing as 'she was dressed like she wanted it!' and 'no means yes!'
Dingsi: *nods*
me: NO, IT FUCKING DOESN'T
it. i. how is it possible that people believe this is a healthy start to a relationship? the book ends with them married and happy and stuff!
Dingsi: and why are people still believing this -- enforcing it, buying the books, writing positive reviews -- in *2006*?!
me: the book was published in 1999, but the point stands.
Dingsi: argh.
me: when a female writer, *new york times bestseller* female writer, writes books like this for female readers and nobody calls her on it... i get so depressed.
It would be *pathetically* easy to write the Sequel Of Abuse. Like, I wouldn't even need to work at it. Oh, Nora, I thought better of you.