. . .

[kataranagi]

While using my infinite wisdom I decided to check Fox and see what House episode was on. The episode was the one where Kutner kills himself and it just makes me cry every time. I really miss my friends that's i've lost. I think it is really safe to say that I have never addressed anything I have felt when it has come to mike's death. I've repressed everything so much...i mean to the point where I haven't even spoken to Ian in almost a year. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with this. Nicole's death was just horrible but i had my family's support and so many friends. Scott's death I had Lauren and Nina to really help me through it. Gahm was a big help to. But with this one...i didn't know what to do. I didn't know who to talk to. I mean for christ's sake I talked to him a week before he died and he acted totally normal. Busting my balls about finally coming out to a show he was running and how it was about damn time. And then I get the call that's he's dead. I just...i remember how shocked I was and how hard it was to process. How Ironic it was to go into school the next day and the Twilight Zone was on and this guy just stepped in front of a train. It's just hard to comprehend that those nights of playing stupid games until 2 am and ordering way too much food at wendy's are gone. I mean I just...Idk. I guess what bothers me most is that I never got to say good bye to them. That I never told them how much they meant to me while they were alive. I just assumed that they knew.

I'm not even sure what I'm really saying anymore. I just hurt. I don't know how to make this hurting stop. I mean how do you make something like this ok? I feel like I'm an Island here. Crying doesn't seem to help and neither does time.

I guess I'm just rambling and not really making sense anymore...