kristina...
This came to me anonymously today... but I thought it would be of interest to a particular (or maybe multiple) people reading this:
In the good times I was her world and we did everything together. For 3 years only a handful of days went by that we didn’t take the time to really talk to each other. We always made time to talk and I always loved talking to her. Considering we did so much long distance this was pretty good. Whenever one didn’t say goodnight to the other we knew there was a problem in the relationship. “Goodnight” was more or less our way of saying everything was ok and that we loved each other. But now I haven’t had a goodnight literally or figuratively in a week and I doubt I will get one for awhile.
Well I just got back from my trip to find Susan in Michigan. She had followed me for 3 years and now it was time for me to follow up on her. I rented a car and bought a last minute plane ticket from South Carolina to come find her after she abruptly ended our relationship over text message and changed her phone number so I couldn’t call her. No email responses, no nothing and I figured despite the grand it would cost me that I didn’t have, it was now or never to talk to her. I left thinking I needed her in my life now like the way it used to be in the good days - living together, seeing each other every day. When I got there I drove over to her work and found out she was off. Undeterred, I drove to her house - nobody home. Just after I got there my mom called me and advised me with a few words of wisdom saying that Susan unequivocally didn’t want me or need me. It’s an excruciatingly painful feeling when you learn that a person is better off without you. So I accepted that she would never speak to me again and I wrote a quick, personal letter and left it at her doorstep. I’m not sure if she will ever read it. I doubt I will hear anything back about my visit. There is no question I deserve all this and probably worse. You can’t just physically leave a girl twice after living together for a year, had a year of dating before that and expect her to keep following. It is so true that you don’t know what you have ‘til it’s gone. And when it’s gone it bites you in the ass. No matter how hard you thought it through there is nothing like the real thing. I got bit in the ass when I realized that she was absolutely correct to leave. How could I not have realized that Suzy is a person with feelings as real as mine and I had torn her precious, loving heart into tattered pieces? In terms of emotional murder I was on par with Charles Manson. I may not have done anything to her physically, but my words and actions led to death. In my case it was the death of a sweet, caring girl’s love.
As for the relationship, it all started when we met through a mutual friend the summer before senior year in college. She was more serious at the beginning because I met her a few weeks before I took an internship in Las Vegas for the summer. We hooked up before I left and she was more of a one night stand in my mind. But when I was away we spoke on the phone every day for hours. I ran up phone bills of hundreds of dollars just to talk to her. That’s when she became my comforting good friend. Unfortunately, I never completely removed the label of her in the one night stand zone whether I thought about it or not. Looking back now I see that I didn’t take her seriously or fully respect her. But we stayed together and hung out every day. And after graduation (and my trip to Europe without her) we moved together to Vegas. I went from job to job and Suzy was doing great at the Palms. Although I had a better college degree and better GPA she was doing much better than I. Perhaps I was jealous at the time, but I really am so proud of the person she’s becoming. She’s about to start school to become an elementary teacher. As for me, one year after moving to Vegas, out of a job and in gambling debt, I decided that I had to leave Las Vegas and get my shit straight.
I planned to find what I was looking for by going on 9,000 mile solo road trip from Nevada up to Oregon down through Texas and up to Wisconsin, (leaving Suszy behind yet again) then go back home in Kalamazoo, MI. At this time I was unsure of where she fit in my failed life and tried to send her away from me and back to Ann Arbor, MI. She left, but still would not give up on me or the relationship. When I got back to Kzoo Suzy would come visit me every couple of weeks and we still spoke every day. Still, I was unable to find a good job or find whatever was missing in my life and after 6 months I decided to take a job with my cousin in South Carolina, essentially leaving Susan behind again with her family in Ann Arbor. I let her drift further away in my mind and farther in distance. There is no worse sin to commit in a relationship than taking advantage of another’s love and to not commit to reciprocating their feelings. I never knew how much I took advantage of her and I paid for that when she left. I know now that what I was missing was my willingness to love completely and to see how many sacrifices she was making just to be with me. It’s fucked up when what you think is missing turns up under your nose. Now that she’s gone all I can think about are the trips we took together, the times we spent at home, going out and how she would do anything to make me happy. And I threw all of this away. I tried to tell myself long ago that she was just more into me than I was into her, even though I loved her, and the only fair thing to do was to let her know and to let her move on. So after 2 years I told her that I didn’t see myself marrying her. This is the hardest, harshest and cruelest thing I have ever said to anyone. I can only imagine how deep those words must’ve cut. I did this because I was scared. I was scared that I couldn’t take care of her. Scared that I would fail her. Scared she might not be “the one.” She held on and I kept my distance and said hurtful things to her half-jokingly about moving on with other girls. I did this as part of a plan I made for her to fall out of love with me because every time I tried to make a clean break with her she would start crying and I would cry and nothing would change because despite of how much of an asshole I may have turned into, I couldn’t stand to see her sad.
I did not know then that the only real problem was in my own insecurities. I must emphasize that I love Susan, she knows me better than anyone, she loved me unconditionally with all her heart and despite my plans to break up with her I would do anything to prevent her from being in pain. As a side note, on the phone my mom told me she thinks I flew in to see Susan because I felt bad for putting her in so much pain and by her seeing me again it would only make things worse for her. I figured Mom was right even though I did not want to believe it. Mom has always said that I needed to treat Susan better so she is probably on to something. *Just to clarify, my master plan was to let Susan fall out of love with me by giving her a steady diet of emotional jabs including hurtful comments about other girls, saying bad things about myself like I was a loser and wasn’t going anywhere in life and of course that haymaker that I could never marry her. It worked all too well. To be fair I was starting to believe those negative thoughts about myself at the time. I am an idiot sometimes, but she wanted to get married so badly and I wasn’t sure we were destined to be. How could I lead her on? And for how long? Another year? Two years? She would kill me if I did that (she pretty much told me so).
Now that she is unmistakably gone my life feels a whole hell of a lot emptier. She was my best friend even if I wasn’t always hers, although I did always try to be a good friend even if I was a flawed boyfriend. But she was in love with me. She wanted to marry me. At one time she may have had a good reason. I know now that there were several moments when I was in love with her, which may be insufficient to some; but I’m not entirely sure if I can handle falling in love the way she did. I sure as hell would never want to fall in love with a callous fuck like I turned into. If marriage is about trusting your wife and doing the best you can for her then Susan would be the perfect wife for me if I would quit being such a douchebag to her. If it’s about having fairy tale love then she would not be perfect for me because I haven’t been able to get past the fact that someone I would call my wife slept with not only me so soon, but had done the same with other guys in the past. Maybe this is my excuse to keep people from getting too close and hurting me like what happened with my parent’s divorce. This is my dilemma: Despite all my introspection I lack the experience to know anything about solving it.
Being removed from her life changed me. My trip to find Susan in Ann Arbor was the first time I actually went out of my way to visit her. I would have preferred having my arms and legs ripped from my body by horse cart to losing the best friend I’d ever had. I would give anything to at least have her as a friend again, considering that although I hate talking on the phone, every time I spoke with her it was the highlight of my day. I want to be there for her and support her while she moves on to the next step in her life. But it’s not up to me anymore. Maybe in the end all of this will turn out to be a blessing in disguise. I have had a chance to identify my mistakes and have begun to change my flaws. I also feel the passion for life again that I’ve been missing for quite awhile now. I have promised myself l will never behave indifferently again towards her or any girl. And I have learned the hard way that a person should never take someone else’s love for granted. We must love without walls or conditions. Never to take advantage of the love you’re entrusted by doing whatever the fuck you want just because you think the other person will always be there. They will grow wise and tire of you. When that happens and assuredly it will, you will realize that you just fucked up one of only a handful of special things that exists in the world today: A sweet, wonderful girl makes mistakes just like you, but she gives you her full Heart when she loves and trusts you. And you had damn well better get over your issues and treat that girl and her Heart with the care and undivided attention that a painter shows his masterpiece. To avoid my fate you must remember to follow these 4 vital rules: Respect, Empathize With, Forgive and Love her with all your heart. Or you too will be the one left with the tears and misery from love lost while she finds someone who will.
Yours truly,
A once good-guy-turned-giant-douche-desperately-working-on-being-a-good-person-again who lost a good woman’s love.
In the good times I was her world and we did everything together. For 3 years only a handful of days went by that we didn’t take the time to really talk to each other. We always made time to talk and I always loved talking to her. Considering we did so much long distance this was pretty good. Whenever one didn’t say goodnight to the other we knew there was a problem in the relationship. “Goodnight” was more or less our way of saying everything was ok and that we loved each other. But now I haven’t had a goodnight literally or figuratively in a week and I doubt I will get one for awhile.
Well I just got back from my trip to find Susan in Michigan. She had followed me for 3 years and now it was time for me to follow up on her. I rented a car and bought a last minute plane ticket from South Carolina to come find her after she abruptly ended our relationship over text message and changed her phone number so I couldn’t call her. No email responses, no nothing and I figured despite the grand it would cost me that I didn’t have, it was now or never to talk to her. I left thinking I needed her in my life now like the way it used to be in the good days - living together, seeing each other every day. When I got there I drove over to her work and found out she was off. Undeterred, I drove to her house - nobody home. Just after I got there my mom called me and advised me with a few words of wisdom saying that Susan unequivocally didn’t want me or need me. It’s an excruciatingly painful feeling when you learn that a person is better off without you. So I accepted that she would never speak to me again and I wrote a quick, personal letter and left it at her doorstep. I’m not sure if she will ever read it. I doubt I will hear anything back about my visit. There is no question I deserve all this and probably worse. You can’t just physically leave a girl twice after living together for a year, had a year of dating before that and expect her to keep following. It is so true that you don’t know what you have ‘til it’s gone. And when it’s gone it bites you in the ass. No matter how hard you thought it through there is nothing like the real thing. I got bit in the ass when I realized that she was absolutely correct to leave. How could I not have realized that Suzy is a person with feelings as real as mine and I had torn her precious, loving heart into tattered pieces? In terms of emotional murder I was on par with Charles Manson. I may not have done anything to her physically, but my words and actions led to death. In my case it was the death of a sweet, caring girl’s love.
As for the relationship, it all started when we met through a mutual friend the summer before senior year in college. She was more serious at the beginning because I met her a few weeks before I took an internship in Las Vegas for the summer. We hooked up before I left and she was more of a one night stand in my mind. But when I was away we spoke on the phone every day for hours. I ran up phone bills of hundreds of dollars just to talk to her. That’s when she became my comforting good friend. Unfortunately, I never completely removed the label of her in the one night stand zone whether I thought about it or not. Looking back now I see that I didn’t take her seriously or fully respect her. But we stayed together and hung out every day. And after graduation (and my trip to Europe without her) we moved together to Vegas. I went from job to job and Suzy was doing great at the Palms. Although I had a better college degree and better GPA she was doing much better than I. Perhaps I was jealous at the time, but I really am so proud of the person she’s becoming. She’s about to start school to become an elementary teacher. As for me, one year after moving to Vegas, out of a job and in gambling debt, I decided that I had to leave Las Vegas and get my shit straight.
I planned to find what I was looking for by going on 9,000 mile solo road trip from Nevada up to Oregon down through Texas and up to Wisconsin, (leaving Suszy behind yet again) then go back home in Kalamazoo, MI. At this time I was unsure of where she fit in my failed life and tried to send her away from me and back to Ann Arbor, MI. She left, but still would not give up on me or the relationship. When I got back to Kzoo Suzy would come visit me every couple of weeks and we still spoke every day. Still, I was unable to find a good job or find whatever was missing in my life and after 6 months I decided to take a job with my cousin in South Carolina, essentially leaving Susan behind again with her family in Ann Arbor. I let her drift further away in my mind and farther in distance. There is no worse sin to commit in a relationship than taking advantage of another’s love and to not commit to reciprocating their feelings. I never knew how much I took advantage of her and I paid for that when she left. I know now that what I was missing was my willingness to love completely and to see how many sacrifices she was making just to be with me. It’s fucked up when what you think is missing turns up under your nose. Now that she’s gone all I can think about are the trips we took together, the times we spent at home, going out and how she would do anything to make me happy. And I threw all of this away. I tried to tell myself long ago that she was just more into me than I was into her, even though I loved her, and the only fair thing to do was to let her know and to let her move on. So after 2 years I told her that I didn’t see myself marrying her. This is the hardest, harshest and cruelest thing I have ever said to anyone. I can only imagine how deep those words must’ve cut. I did this because I was scared. I was scared that I couldn’t take care of her. Scared that I would fail her. Scared she might not be “the one.” She held on and I kept my distance and said hurtful things to her half-jokingly about moving on with other girls. I did this as part of a plan I made for her to fall out of love with me because every time I tried to make a clean break with her she would start crying and I would cry and nothing would change because despite of how much of an asshole I may have turned into, I couldn’t stand to see her sad.
I did not know then that the only real problem was in my own insecurities. I must emphasize that I love Susan, she knows me better than anyone, she loved me unconditionally with all her heart and despite my plans to break up with her I would do anything to prevent her from being in pain. As a side note, on the phone my mom told me she thinks I flew in to see Susan because I felt bad for putting her in so much pain and by her seeing me again it would only make things worse for her. I figured Mom was right even though I did not want to believe it. Mom has always said that I needed to treat Susan better so she is probably on to something. *Just to clarify, my master plan was to let Susan fall out of love with me by giving her a steady diet of emotional jabs including hurtful comments about other girls, saying bad things about myself like I was a loser and wasn’t going anywhere in life and of course that haymaker that I could never marry her. It worked all too well. To be fair I was starting to believe those negative thoughts about myself at the time. I am an idiot sometimes, but she wanted to get married so badly and I wasn’t sure we were destined to be. How could I lead her on? And for how long? Another year? Two years? She would kill me if I did that (she pretty much told me so).
Now that she is unmistakably gone my life feels a whole hell of a lot emptier. She was my best friend even if I wasn’t always hers, although I did always try to be a good friend even if I was a flawed boyfriend. But she was in love with me. She wanted to marry me. At one time she may have had a good reason. I know now that there were several moments when I was in love with her, which may be insufficient to some; but I’m not entirely sure if I can handle falling in love the way she did. I sure as hell would never want to fall in love with a callous fuck like I turned into. If marriage is about trusting your wife and doing the best you can for her then Susan would be the perfect wife for me if I would quit being such a douchebag to her. If it’s about having fairy tale love then she would not be perfect for me because I haven’t been able to get past the fact that someone I would call my wife slept with not only me so soon, but had done the same with other guys in the past. Maybe this is my excuse to keep people from getting too close and hurting me like what happened with my parent’s divorce. This is my dilemma: Despite all my introspection I lack the experience to know anything about solving it.
Being removed from her life changed me. My trip to find Susan in Ann Arbor was the first time I actually went out of my way to visit her. I would have preferred having my arms and legs ripped from my body by horse cart to losing the best friend I’d ever had. I would give anything to at least have her as a friend again, considering that although I hate talking on the phone, every time I spoke with her it was the highlight of my day. I want to be there for her and support her while she moves on to the next step in her life. But it’s not up to me anymore. Maybe in the end all of this will turn out to be a blessing in disguise. I have had a chance to identify my mistakes and have begun to change my flaws. I also feel the passion for life again that I’ve been missing for quite awhile now. I have promised myself l will never behave indifferently again towards her or any girl. And I have learned the hard way that a person should never take someone else’s love for granted. We must love without walls or conditions. Never to take advantage of the love you’re entrusted by doing whatever the fuck you want just because you think the other person will always be there. They will grow wise and tire of you. When that happens and assuredly it will, you will realize that you just fucked up one of only a handful of special things that exists in the world today: A sweet, wonderful girl makes mistakes just like you, but she gives you her full Heart when she loves and trusts you. And you had damn well better get over your issues and treat that girl and her Heart with the care and undivided attention that a painter shows his masterpiece. To avoid my fate you must remember to follow these 4 vital rules: Respect, Empathize With, Forgive and Love her with all your heart. Or you too will be the one left with the tears and misery from love lost while she finds someone who will.
Yours truly,
A once good-guy-turned-giant-douche-desperately-working-on-being-a-good-person-again who lost a good woman’s love.