"I'm stuck on the couch again. I come home, turn on the TV and don't move. I'm running everything I need to do through my head. There's a lot. But I'm still not moving. I wonder if I'm depressed. Whenever one show ends I flip around looking for what's just starting. Before I know it, the day, the week, the year went by. The couch has a dent in the center where I've sat for the last three years. I think about who I am at school. I go when I'm sick, when I'm behind, when I'm late, when I don't want to. I go because I must. When I'm there, I'm prepared, I'm active, I'm almost a different person. But when class is over, that serious, disciplined person goes away and the distractions take over. I think about who I am at work, how I'll bend over backwards for anyone else who needs something, how I'm guilty about being late, how I'm afraid to do anything without permission. That's a big thing with me. I can't do anything without permission, without being told its okay, until I've got the go ahead. I wonder if I'm so afraid of coloring outside the lines I won't get that gold star I'm craving. My brother called me a dog once. I wanted to please everyone so badly for praise, he said. Funny that I can't praise myself. I'm smart. Everyone says so. A teacher I had once said I had the smarts to do wherever I want. Apparently, I want to channel-surf. Maybe I'm trying to do too much, spreading myself too thin for everything I'm responsible for. I've got so much to do. School that's backing up. Work that I'm never off of. I'm so tired. I just want to sleep. But I can't. I've got so much to do, so much is coming due. I have to get up. I wonder what else is on."
"I'm stuck on the couch again. I come home, turn on the TV and don't move. I'm running everything I need to do through my head. There's a lot. But I'm still not moving. I wonder if I'm depressed. Whenever one show ends I flip around looking for what's just starting. Before I know it, the day, the week, the year went by. The couch has a dent in the center where I've sat for the last three years.
I think about who I am at school. I go when I'm sick, when I'm behind, when I'm late, when I don't want to. I go because I must. When I'm there, I'm prepared, I'm active, I'm almost a different person. But when class is over, that serious, disciplined person goes away and the distractions take over.
I think about who I am at work, how I'll bend over backwards for anyone else who needs something, how I'm guilty about being late, how I'm afraid to do anything without permission. That's a big thing with me. I can't do anything without permission, without being told its okay, until I've got the go ahead.
I wonder if I'm so afraid of coloring outside the lines I won't get that gold star I'm craving. My brother called me a dog once. I wanted to please everyone so badly for praise, he said.
Funny that I can't praise myself. I'm smart. Everyone says so. A teacher I had once said I had the smarts to do wherever I want. Apparently, I want to channel-surf.
Maybe I'm trying to do too much, spreading myself too thin for everything I'm responsible for. I've got so much to do. School that's backing up. Work that I'm never off of. I'm so tired. I just want to sleep. But I can't. I've got so much to do, so much is coming due. I have to get up.
I wonder what else is on."
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