(no subject)
Somehow it's easier, knowing she's in Boston now. Gone is gone is gone, and nothing to be done about it. Sometimes I wonder if I even cross her mind, but I doubt it. She's on a headlong path for number one, no time to stop for the peasantry. I have my own life to focus on anyway. Some days I even manage not to think of her.
My dad needs caretaking since his accident. That's really not easy. His recovery is just so frustratingly slow. Settling into the house still doesn't feel like home because of it. I never truly relax because I'm always looking out for him. I feel neglectful when I'm not.
Today is the first moment I've had to myself in so, so long. Dad's not up yet, neither of my girls are here. It's...quiet. I really like it.
Sometimes I wonder if I should be with anyone right now. Relationship-wise, I mean. Sarah and Hannah are wonderful, most of the time, but I don't...need them. Not the way I needed her. I'm fairly certain I'll never allow myself to need anyone like that again. Defense measure, maybe. Maybe just cold reality.
Life was easier when I thought love was real. Maybe that's why people hold onto their naivete. The rush you get from that blindness is overwhelming. I won't lie, I wish I could shut my eyes again. But that's not the way these things work, is it? Enlightenment is a one-way street. They don't tell you about that part.
The hardest part about seeing the world for what it is is the knowledge that I can't change it. My choices, if such things exist, have left me doing what I can here, but "here" just isn't the right place for me. I wanted to be where I could reach more people, do more. My school was supposed to be a testing ground, a prototype, not the final model. The people here are...dried up. They've lost hope of anything better, so they all just settle for less. It's really no wonder my girls stay with me. They'll never find a replacement, here. If they knew anything of the wider world, they'd know I'm not really all that great. In the kingdom of the blind, the sighted man is god. Yet, isn't he needed more there than anywhere else?
I need peers. And not Adam. He's an asshole and probably always will be. Forever stunted, failing to learn from his mistakes of character. I miss John. I miss Carl. I miss Ryan. I miss Michelle.
I'm surrounded by people, but I feel so alone.
I need a beacon.
My dad needs caretaking since his accident. That's really not easy. His recovery is just so frustratingly slow. Settling into the house still doesn't feel like home because of it. I never truly relax because I'm always looking out for him. I feel neglectful when I'm not.
Today is the first moment I've had to myself in so, so long. Dad's not up yet, neither of my girls are here. It's...quiet. I really like it.
Sometimes I wonder if I should be with anyone right now. Relationship-wise, I mean. Sarah and Hannah are wonderful, most of the time, but I don't...need them. Not the way I needed her. I'm fairly certain I'll never allow myself to need anyone like that again. Defense measure, maybe. Maybe just cold reality.
Life was easier when I thought love was real. Maybe that's why people hold onto their naivete. The rush you get from that blindness is overwhelming. I won't lie, I wish I could shut my eyes again. But that's not the way these things work, is it? Enlightenment is a one-way street. They don't tell you about that part.
The hardest part about seeing the world for what it is is the knowledge that I can't change it. My choices, if such things exist, have left me doing what I can here, but "here" just isn't the right place for me. I wanted to be where I could reach more people, do more. My school was supposed to be a testing ground, a prototype, not the final model. The people here are...dried up. They've lost hope of anything better, so they all just settle for less. It's really no wonder my girls stay with me. They'll never find a replacement, here. If they knew anything of the wider world, they'd know I'm not really all that great. In the kingdom of the blind, the sighted man is god. Yet, isn't he needed more there than anywhere else?
I need peers. And not Adam. He's an asshole and probably always will be. Forever stunted, failing to learn from his mistakes of character. I miss John. I miss Carl. I miss Ryan. I miss Michelle.
I'm surrounded by people, but I feel so alone.
I need a beacon.