I'm so messed up.
I'm all alone. I've called a few people and they don't realize that I need help. I have trouble asking for it. I call because I want them to be there but they ask me if I'm ok and I know what they mean. I'm not trying to kill myself so I say yes but I really need some support. I understand that people are busy and I'm not going to hurt myself right now but it's just a matter of time until I will feel that way again when I'm by myself. I hate being this needy.
I've never lived on my own before. I've never been alone for three nights straight, the closest I've done is slept by myself when I visit my parents but they're still there in the morning to talk to. I don't have anyone here. I feel so alone. All I want to do is call Dave but that's not going to help anything. I called him last night and all he did was make me feel worse. He laughed at me when I felt vulnerable, when I told him something and then tried to explain it better all he told me was that I was repeating myself, which he was saying to me a lot before he left. It proves that he doesn't listen to me because I'm trying to make what I told him more clear, all he gets is that I'm talking about the same thing again so it must all be the same information. He doesn't listen to me and I don't feel like he cares about me at all. I fell like these six years meant nothing to him. I feel like he just stopped loving me and walked out. HE says that he does care and does still love me but he can't even talk to me. If he loved me he would talk to me.
I'm so scared about my future. I 'm going to have to get an apartment by myself and just no I had fallen asleep at 9:30 and woke up at 11 because I heard a noise and thought that someone was trying to break into my townhouse. I've always had David here to tell me it's ok and theres no one there. What happens when I'm in my own apartment. THe only place I will barely be able to afford will be in the bad part of town. What happens when it IS someone breaking in and I'm by myself? Not only that but I wont have money for anything. I don't make a lot of money and the cheapest place I can find for rent is in the bad part of town and will take a full paycheck of mine to pay for one month. I just finished the deposit for my timeshare that I bought before when me and Dave were planning on getting married. He was supposed to help me with everything so I could pay the payments I have to make monthly on for the next few years. Then I need food for that month, and bills on top of that. After that theres nothing left. My cat has to get surgery for his eye, we were trying to save up for it but Dave hasn't had hardly any work with his new job but last year when our lease was up he didn't want to leave this expensive place to get something cheaper. I kept telling him we can't afford this place, we never had any extra money for anything and now he's not even making the money he used to. I'm so stressed working 13 hour days to make sure I get a full 40 hours at the new store while he sat at home. He did dishes all the time but that was it. The downstairs was ok but the upstairs of this place has been trashed forever. We were both alway too busy to clean it but then with the new job all he did was dishes and play video games all day. When I was working 13 hours. and I told him many times that I wouldn't mind coming home to dinner but when I would mention it later he would tell me I didn't say that and that he didn't know. then the next time I hadn't said it again.
It's funny. We used to be so perfect for eachother but now he's changed so much and doesn't even listen to me, he doesn't do anything around the house either. I don't really either but at least I've been bringing home money lately. I just feel like he doesn't care about anything anymore.
Then why do I care that he's gone? because I know we're both changing. Because I know that he used to be a wonderful person and I'm not sure what happened but I think that he can be again, it's been very recent his change and I don't think he's supposed to be so uncaring. I also remember all the things we've done for eachother and how he was always there for me. He used to bring me flowers and chocolates. He used to cook dinner sometimes, as a surprise for me and sometimes just because I was working late. He would listen to me and he didn't care if I had to repeat problems Ive been having. Sometimes I do just to get the annoyance away from me, I'm not sure why but it helped and he understood. He used to write me love letters. He would take me to seattle for the day and we'd walk around and waste time just bing together. We'd go to the park. He was always my best friend on top of being my boyfriend. I could and did tell him anything and he was the same way.
He's so secretive now. He wont tell me the things he tells his dad about me. He says it's none of my business but we've never kept anything from eachother before. I can't look at his phone. After he cheated on me I made him give it to me, I wanted to make sure her number wasn't in it. He argued with me for a very long time but eventually let me look, then he told me I would never be able to again so I better get used to it. It just seems like he's hiding things from me. When he asked me what the therapist at the hospital asked me I told him it was non of his business, he said he was sorry and that I was right. Then I told him everything the guy had said and everything that I told him. I don't keep anything form him. Nothing. Dave doesn't do that for me.He's lied to me recently too. He never used to lie to me but now he changes what he tells me all the time. I didn't lie to him. Ever. Now I do, now that he's left and keeps telling me it's over and hat I should just get used to it I don't feel the need anymore. About a week ago to told me that if we split up he still wanted to be friends with me. I don't see that happening. Not with the way he's acting. The only time we've talked is if I called him or threatened to hurt myself. I talked to an officer yesterday after I did the last, he helped me and told me a couple things. One was not to call Dave anymore and he explained the "seven year itch to me" I understand now that that's what we've been going through. We're growing and changing and we don't know how to handle it in eachother. Between 5 and 7 years all couples go through a hard time because that's usually when they start to change. Thing is I stayed and Dave left. I wanted to go to counseling. Dave left. He's given up and I think that his next relationship the same thing is going to happen. Maybe he'll actually marry the next one so they have something to make them stick together so they work it out. I never got that luxury from him. I wasn't good enough to marry. or to go to counseling for. It's just easier for him to leave.
I've never lived on my own before. I've never been alone for three nights straight, the closest I've done is slept by myself when I visit my parents but they're still there in the morning to talk to. I don't have anyone here. I feel so alone. All I want to do is call Dave but that's not going to help anything. I called him last night and all he did was make me feel worse. He laughed at me when I felt vulnerable, when I told him something and then tried to explain it better all he told me was that I was repeating myself, which he was saying to me a lot before he left. It proves that he doesn't listen to me because I'm trying to make what I told him more clear, all he gets is that I'm talking about the same thing again so it must all be the same information. He doesn't listen to me and I don't feel like he cares about me at all. I fell like these six years meant nothing to him. I feel like he just stopped loving me and walked out. HE says that he does care and does still love me but he can't even talk to me. If he loved me he would talk to me.
I'm so scared about my future. I 'm going to have to get an apartment by myself and just no I had fallen asleep at 9:30 and woke up at 11 because I heard a noise and thought that someone was trying to break into my townhouse. I've always had David here to tell me it's ok and theres no one there. What happens when I'm in my own apartment. THe only place I will barely be able to afford will be in the bad part of town. What happens when it IS someone breaking in and I'm by myself? Not only that but I wont have money for anything. I don't make a lot of money and the cheapest place I can find for rent is in the bad part of town and will take a full paycheck of mine to pay for one month. I just finished the deposit for my timeshare that I bought before when me and Dave were planning on getting married. He was supposed to help me with everything so I could pay the payments I have to make monthly on for the next few years. Then I need food for that month, and bills on top of that. After that theres nothing left. My cat has to get surgery for his eye, we were trying to save up for it but Dave hasn't had hardly any work with his new job but last year when our lease was up he didn't want to leave this expensive place to get something cheaper. I kept telling him we can't afford this place, we never had any extra money for anything and now he's not even making the money he used to. I'm so stressed working 13 hour days to make sure I get a full 40 hours at the new store while he sat at home. He did dishes all the time but that was it. The downstairs was ok but the upstairs of this place has been trashed forever. We were both alway too busy to clean it but then with the new job all he did was dishes and play video games all day. When I was working 13 hours. and I told him many times that I wouldn't mind coming home to dinner but when I would mention it later he would tell me I didn't say that and that he didn't know. then the next time I hadn't said it again.
It's funny. We used to be so perfect for eachother but now he's changed so much and doesn't even listen to me, he doesn't do anything around the house either. I don't really either but at least I've been bringing home money lately. I just feel like he doesn't care about anything anymore.
Then why do I care that he's gone? because I know we're both changing. Because I know that he used to be a wonderful person and I'm not sure what happened but I think that he can be again, it's been very recent his change and I don't think he's supposed to be so uncaring. I also remember all the things we've done for eachother and how he was always there for me. He used to bring me flowers and chocolates. He used to cook dinner sometimes, as a surprise for me and sometimes just because I was working late. He would listen to me and he didn't care if I had to repeat problems Ive been having. Sometimes I do just to get the annoyance away from me, I'm not sure why but it helped and he understood. He used to write me love letters. He would take me to seattle for the day and we'd walk around and waste time just bing together. We'd go to the park. He was always my best friend on top of being my boyfriend. I could and did tell him anything and he was the same way.
He's so secretive now. He wont tell me the things he tells his dad about me. He says it's none of my business but we've never kept anything from eachother before. I can't look at his phone. After he cheated on me I made him give it to me, I wanted to make sure her number wasn't in it. He argued with me for a very long time but eventually let me look, then he told me I would never be able to again so I better get used to it. It just seems like he's hiding things from me. When he asked me what the therapist at the hospital asked me I told him it was non of his business, he said he was sorry and that I was right. Then I told him everything the guy had said and everything that I told him. I don't keep anything form him. Nothing. Dave doesn't do that for me.He's lied to me recently too. He never used to lie to me but now he changes what he tells me all the time. I didn't lie to him. Ever. Now I do, now that he's left and keeps telling me it's over and hat I should just get used to it I don't feel the need anymore. About a week ago to told me that if we split up he still wanted to be friends with me. I don't see that happening. Not with the way he's acting. The only time we've talked is if I called him or threatened to hurt myself. I talked to an officer yesterday after I did the last, he helped me and told me a couple things. One was not to call Dave anymore and he explained the "seven year itch to me" I understand now that that's what we've been going through. We're growing and changing and we don't know how to handle it in eachother. Between 5 and 7 years all couples go through a hard time because that's usually when they start to change. Thing is I stayed and Dave left. I wanted to go to counseling. Dave left. He's given up and I think that his next relationship the same thing is going to happen. Maybe he'll actually marry the next one so they have something to make them stick together so they work it out. I never got that luxury from him. I wasn't good enough to marry. or to go to counseling for. It's just easier for him to leave.