hmmm
im sad and want to give up but i wont let go yet as tired as i am i dont understand how im still holding on but somehow there's still one string that's connecting me to this world that makes me want to cry and scream until i cant make another sound and pass out falling into somebody's arms even though there's probably not anyone close enough to catch me so i hit the hard cold ground splitting open a gash in my head releasing the pressure causing all the anxiety but creating an excrutiating pain that wont go away until another pain somewhere else is created possibly in the heart where this all started.......kay so that's what i wrote the last time i was on here and didnt post it......this is my thought now....I NEED HELP.....or i'll eventually end up killing myself...not in the normal suicidal way...but by not taking care of myself....im suprised i made it this far...so right now...im seeing a counselor, i started antidepressants and im gonna start seeing the diabetes educators at the hospital here....maybe that will all help but what i really want is to be with all of my friends, surrounded by good feelings but then i wouldnt finish the rest of the semester.....which i dont know if that will happen anyways.....im gonna try...probably gonna fail...but i'll try...i'll stay and do the work and be here....come home this saturday...next sunday...following friday/saturday....after that im not sure but maybe....maybe i just need to quit working until i go back to columbus....as much as i thought about staying here, i need to be home, i want to be home....i'd probably visit kearney all the fucking time but i need to go home....it just sucks because im realizing that i really let myself fall so far that reality and getting back to normal is a really high climb and im not going to make it out of the hole without help.