oh they build buildings so tall these days
so i have another paper to write and am equally as frozen. this is the meaning of senioritis. it's this freezing-up feeling. it kills me. its like all of a sudden i am supposed to be defining the rest of my life with my work and with my essays and i'm sorry but i just can't do that. i cannot tell them definitively who i am with a piece of writing. because i change. from day to day, from moment to moment. i am uncapturable. that sounds a little pretentious but all humans are uncapturable. it is hard, hard, hard, to create a living-seeming character with just words. even when that character is someone who is already living/breathing and is someone you should know better than anyone else because it's you. only the geniuses of literature have done so. and i am not one of those. and although, admittedly, describing myself is easier than creating a fictional character who is captured with hundreds of dimensions beyond just the words...it is still difficult and challenging and enough to make me freeze up irreversibly. i can't do that. sorry. i guess i can write about something else. when it comes to big personal essays i am always tempted to use livejournal entries. i've actually done it, once. but i think it was fair and i liked the paper a lot. so. i'm glad i did so.
can i just take a moment to say that miss katherine ann porter is a literary genius? i must say so. if you haven't read her you should. there is so much in one description. she chooses words that bring about the perfect feeling to a description. because words are just words. they are nothing without an internal connection to their meaning. by themselves they are just symbols. we can read because we have seen in real life whatever the words designate. so choosing them carefully is monumental, is key to a great piece of writing. and katherine ann porter completely succeeds in choosing them carefully, in bringing about the exactly right ambience to a story with the words she chooses and their subconscious/conscious connections. and i am writing this furiously and never choose my words carefully which is probably wrong. or maybe just comes across as frenzied which is accurate. because i am frenzied and i do write that way.
sleep is pulling at my eyelids but i still have about 100 pages to read and a paper to write. to begin! oh this will be a long night and i could not tell you why i chose to spend even a second of it on livejournal. i wish i wish i wish i knew how to just open up my brain and spill it out onto the paper. but not physically because that would be gross. haha .. haha. who am i what
?
i dont want to go to college. i always assumed that by the time i was college-going age i would feel like a different person. and maybe i kind of do but its SO HARD TO REMEMBER. it always baffles me when people make comparisons of themselves now to themselves at another time or note the changes that have happened because i feel like the same person. i mean, things have happened to me and i have learned things and made decisions and formed opinions but it was all the same person doing it. at least it seems that way to me. and it is honestly impossible for me to remember a time when i thought differently than i do now, though i know there was one. i cannot exactly place what i must have thought.
do you ever have thoughts that you refuse to ever express to anyone because you know they are the wrong thing to think but you think them anyway? i do. this sounds like i am referencing some deepseated racism or something but im not. well i guess maybe that statement does apply to that too but i didn't mean for it to.
someone make it clean and make the time slow down and make it possible for me to sleep 10 hours every day. i feel like i never get enough sleep no matter what and thats not good.
my favorite feeling in the entire world is taking a shower and then climbing into bed completely naked and going back to sleep. but it doesnt usually happen that way. i usually have to get up and get dressed and go go go. it never stops it never stops it never stops
time is not given and time is not taken it just sits through itself
regina spektor is amazing and i want to be her. or meet her. actually i would be scared to meet her and i am just fine being myself, thank you very much. it would be difficult to adjust to being someone else so i dont know what i want from her. i guess i just want her to keep making beautiful music.
it's october first. happy october. rabbit rabbit and all that.
i owe everyone a birthday present.
everyone has a birthday
i owe everyone a birthday present
thomas's favorite song is happy birthday to you and even though he sings it every day, each time i cannot help feeling like it is my birthday and it makes me very happy. very birthday-happy. happy birthday.
birth.day. those words are so bright and cheery and new sounding. birth. day. a day of birth springtime sunshine rabbits
haha rabbits keep coming to mind which is strange. katherine anne porter has a story called the grave that deals with rabbits and its the best story i've read of hers. in my own humble opinion which is like .0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% of the world in general. and so does not count for much.
thomas loves to count and it is cute when he gets colors and numbers confused.
they are all comprehensive, expansive designators. i can count anything. and i can say the color of anything. scary, isn't it? anything can be colored or numbered or recorded. but who would take the time do so? certainly not me. i dont have the time. i dont have the time!
and she would ask for time and she'd ask for time and she'd ask for time and she'd ask for time
and she would beg for time and she would beg for time and call it a gift
and he would give her time
and he'd give her time
and he'd give her time
and he'd give her time
but time is not given and time is not taken, it just sits through itself
time is not given and time is not taken, it just sits through itself
runs through itself is more like it. moves mercifully and cruelly just because. just because. it's so hard to reconcile with my natural inclination to ask for favors when i can't get something done. time doesn't give no fuckin favors
can i just take a moment to say that miss katherine ann porter is a literary genius? i must say so. if you haven't read her you should. there is so much in one description. she chooses words that bring about the perfect feeling to a description. because words are just words. they are nothing without an internal connection to their meaning. by themselves they are just symbols. we can read because we have seen in real life whatever the words designate. so choosing them carefully is monumental, is key to a great piece of writing. and katherine ann porter completely succeeds in choosing them carefully, in bringing about the exactly right ambience to a story with the words she chooses and their subconscious/conscious connections. and i am writing this furiously and never choose my words carefully which is probably wrong. or maybe just comes across as frenzied which is accurate. because i am frenzied and i do write that way.
sleep is pulling at my eyelids but i still have about 100 pages to read and a paper to write. to begin! oh this will be a long night and i could not tell you why i chose to spend even a second of it on livejournal. i wish i wish i wish i knew how to just open up my brain and spill it out onto the paper. but not physically because that would be gross. haha .. haha. who am i what
?
i dont want to go to college. i always assumed that by the time i was college-going age i would feel like a different person. and maybe i kind of do but its SO HARD TO REMEMBER. it always baffles me when people make comparisons of themselves now to themselves at another time or note the changes that have happened because i feel like the same person. i mean, things have happened to me and i have learned things and made decisions and formed opinions but it was all the same person doing it. at least it seems that way to me. and it is honestly impossible for me to remember a time when i thought differently than i do now, though i know there was one. i cannot exactly place what i must have thought.
do you ever have thoughts that you refuse to ever express to anyone because you know they are the wrong thing to think but you think them anyway? i do. this sounds like i am referencing some deepseated racism or something but im not. well i guess maybe that statement does apply to that too but i didn't mean for it to.
someone make it clean and make the time slow down and make it possible for me to sleep 10 hours every day. i feel like i never get enough sleep no matter what and thats not good.
my favorite feeling in the entire world is taking a shower and then climbing into bed completely naked and going back to sleep. but it doesnt usually happen that way. i usually have to get up and get dressed and go go go. it never stops it never stops it never stops
time is not given and time is not taken it just sits through itself
regina spektor is amazing and i want to be her. or meet her. actually i would be scared to meet her and i am just fine being myself, thank you very much. it would be difficult to adjust to being someone else so i dont know what i want from her. i guess i just want her to keep making beautiful music.
it's october first. happy october. rabbit rabbit and all that.
i owe everyone a birthday present.
everyone has a birthday
i owe everyone a birthday present
thomas's favorite song is happy birthday to you and even though he sings it every day, each time i cannot help feeling like it is my birthday and it makes me very happy. very birthday-happy. happy birthday.
birth.day. those words are so bright and cheery and new sounding. birth. day. a day of birth springtime sunshine rabbits
haha rabbits keep coming to mind which is strange. katherine anne porter has a story called the grave that deals with rabbits and its the best story i've read of hers. in my own humble opinion which is like .0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% of the world in general. and so does not count for much.
thomas loves to count and it is cute when he gets colors and numbers confused.
they are all comprehensive, expansive designators. i can count anything. and i can say the color of anything. scary, isn't it? anything can be colored or numbered or recorded. but who would take the time do so? certainly not me. i dont have the time. i dont have the time!
and she would ask for time and she'd ask for time and she'd ask for time and she'd ask for time
and she would beg for time and she would beg for time and call it a gift
and he would give her time
and he'd give her time
and he'd give her time
and he'd give her time
but time is not given and time is not taken, it just sits through itself
time is not given and time is not taken, it just sits through itself
runs through itself is more like it. moves mercifully and cruelly just because. just because. it's so hard to reconcile with my natural inclination to ask for favors when i can't get something done. time doesn't give no fuckin favors