(no subject)
"don't have to take it
and i won't give in to this
you make me feel like i'm evil
but the record shows i'm not" -Plain White T's
wow, i came to a realization tonight. i missed my old best girl friends so much until tonight. but then tonight i saw how much my the people that used to be my favorite people had the ones that i looked up to and admireed, changed into completely different people. it was like i was surrounded by at least 5 girls that all acted the same. Loud, Exclusive, Girly, girls. That are constantly talking in their inside joke way. sorry, i still love them. but you have no idea how much it hurts for a guy friend to ask you what is the beef with you and your old bestfriend (basically sister). and then when you tell him what it is (which happened back in MAY), he says "still?? damn, thought that was over." it should be over. i can only take meet you so far. its up to you now. i have apologized and tried as much as i can but i can only give you so much. Not talking to me and trying to imtimiate will not solve anything. its soooo frustrating to want to talk but know that the other person will only treat you like a stranger and will laugh at you in your face. (sorry, this is just my stream of conscious right now so sorry if it doesn't make sense). I loved her so much and admired her so much. but now she's not even the same person. I just don't understand how this can go on. in a way i feel betrayed bc its like i'm not even worth the effort. i feel like the whole time throughout our friendship she didn't feel the way i did. i feel like she just hung out with me bc she had no one else to hang out with, and that she really didn't like me at all. it just seems like i always thought that we would be like sisters for the rest of our lives. and be willingly to talk through things. You can't always run from everything, it will catch up to you. I loved both of them so much that i would have taken a bullet for them. yes, i know i hurt them. one of them i hurt extremely badly. but i was stupid and naive. no i wasn't a slut, i just was inexperienced, and didn't know how guys were, and got used. i didn't think bc i didn't understand it. i would give anything to go back and change it. but i can't and i'm sorry. if i could take that pain she had and put it together with the pain i felt for doing that to her, then i would. i would take all the pain. i guess the problem is that i got really attached to my girl friends, and did feel like we were sisters. I guess its just not safe to live yourself that vulnerable. and when those girl friends started hated me for what i did, i lost the two closest people in my life. and so i went down the wrong path and got too attached to a guy, which just taught me the same lesson...i made myself vulnerable. And then my other bestfriend, who used to say she didn't care about any of the NW in crowd girls and what they thought. and how she didn't care about what anyone thought about her. but now its like her life revolves around it. I mean for a long time now her family and my family have been like one. and when at SB i did all that crazy stuff and my other bestfriends started hating me, she decided to put aside a huge long fight we had had, and pick me up to talk about thing. she was the only one i related to on certain stuff and the only one i thought would understand some stuff. but then tonight, it was like she was with the ones that she had told me not to worry about and that they weren't true friends. I want to say all this stuff out loud but honestly i've been beaten into the ground for some much stuff that i've said truthfully, that i just don't have the strength to say it anymore. i feel like i do have to apologize for who i am. but i know i shouldn't. bc i am who i am. and i'm sorry if you don't feel like i don't deserve at least a acknowldgement from your mouth. bc i'm happy with myself now. i know i don't have to apologize for actually bragging about stuff. i used to hold in my excitement bc i din't want people to think i had a huge ego or whatever. but now i'll say I AM going to UNC Chapel Hill in a WEEK> and then i will be away from the petty, insecure, immature ways that i see sometimes. I AM going somewhere. and this phase of my life is over. THANKS for teaching me some important life lessons..unfortuately the hard way. At least now, from you're viciously unforgivenly ways, i have learned that people like that were never even friends. its hard...but i'm trying to see.
and i won't give in to this
you make me feel like i'm evil
but the record shows i'm not" -Plain White T's
wow, i came to a realization tonight. i missed my old best girl friends so much until tonight. but then tonight i saw how much my the people that used to be my favorite people had the ones that i looked up to and admireed, changed into completely different people. it was like i was surrounded by at least 5 girls that all acted the same. Loud, Exclusive, Girly, girls. That are constantly talking in their inside joke way. sorry, i still love them. but you have no idea how much it hurts for a guy friend to ask you what is the beef with you and your old bestfriend (basically sister). and then when you tell him what it is (which happened back in MAY), he says "still?? damn, thought that was over." it should be over. i can only take meet you so far. its up to you now. i have apologized and tried as much as i can but i can only give you so much. Not talking to me and trying to imtimiate will not solve anything. its soooo frustrating to want to talk but know that the other person will only treat you like a stranger and will laugh at you in your face. (sorry, this is just my stream of conscious right now so sorry if it doesn't make sense). I loved her so much and admired her so much. but now she's not even the same person. I just don't understand how this can go on. in a way i feel betrayed bc its like i'm not even worth the effort. i feel like the whole time throughout our friendship she didn't feel the way i did. i feel like she just hung out with me bc she had no one else to hang out with, and that she really didn't like me at all. it just seems like i always thought that we would be like sisters for the rest of our lives. and be willingly to talk through things. You can't always run from everything, it will catch up to you. I loved both of them so much that i would have taken a bullet for them. yes, i know i hurt them. one of them i hurt extremely badly. but i was stupid and naive. no i wasn't a slut, i just was inexperienced, and didn't know how guys were, and got used. i didn't think bc i didn't understand it. i would give anything to go back and change it. but i can't and i'm sorry. if i could take that pain she had and put it together with the pain i felt for doing that to her, then i would. i would take all the pain. i guess the problem is that i got really attached to my girl friends, and did feel like we were sisters. I guess its just not safe to live yourself that vulnerable. and when those girl friends started hated me for what i did, i lost the two closest people in my life. and so i went down the wrong path and got too attached to a guy, which just taught me the same lesson...i made myself vulnerable. And then my other bestfriend, who used to say she didn't care about any of the NW in crowd girls and what they thought. and how she didn't care about what anyone thought about her. but now its like her life revolves around it. I mean for a long time now her family and my family have been like one. and when at SB i did all that crazy stuff and my other bestfriends started hating me, she decided to put aside a huge long fight we had had, and pick me up to talk about thing. she was the only one i related to on certain stuff and the only one i thought would understand some stuff. but then tonight, it was like she was with the ones that she had told me not to worry about and that they weren't true friends. I want to say all this stuff out loud but honestly i've been beaten into the ground for some much stuff that i've said truthfully, that i just don't have the strength to say it anymore. i feel like i do have to apologize for who i am. but i know i shouldn't. bc i am who i am. and i'm sorry if you don't feel like i don't deserve at least a acknowldgement from your mouth. bc i'm happy with myself now. i know i don't have to apologize for actually bragging about stuff. i used to hold in my excitement bc i din't want people to think i had a huge ego or whatever. but now i'll say I AM going to UNC Chapel Hill in a WEEK> and then i will be away from the petty, insecure, immature ways that i see sometimes. I AM going somewhere. and this phase of my life is over. THANKS for teaching me some important life lessons..unfortuately the hard way. At least now, from you're viciously unforgivenly ways, i have learned that people like that were never even friends. its hard...but i'm trying to see.