New Journal, New Beginnings
For the past seven months, it feels like I've been in hiding. I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl, Vivienne, seven months ago, and I've devoted all of my time to my precious baby. So, I've disconnected with people in my life, except for the people who live in the same house as me. And even then I feel like I've lost a connection. I am hoping to learn how to be able to spend 95% of my time with Vivi and still connect to those I consider to be special in my life.
I've created this journal to not chronicle my life as it goes by, but to put down my thoughts, feelings, insecurities, and issues, hoping it to be self-enlightening and theraputic. I hope that if anybody does end up reading this, that they may try and understand that I am only human with real emotions. One entry might be very happy indeed, and the next one may be completely depressing. I also tend to write in "Stream of Consciousness", so if it's not in pretty little paragraphs, oh well. ^_^ But that's life, and so it goes.
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Lately, I've been feeling homesick. Not homesick for just a physical place, but a period of time in my life. I don't know if it's because I am close to my family again, and that it is the beginning of Autumn, but I have been craving the days of my sophomore and senior year of high school (I skipped my junior year) during football season. Getting out onto the field as a football statistician/chord girl for the Head Coach, smelling the crisp air, listening to the marching band play 'Hang On, Sloopy'. Sitting in the high school auditorium rehearsing my lines for the upcoming musical with my friends. Having 15 of my closest friends and me all crammed into that tiny little lunch table, laughing and having a great time. Going over to have "shindigs" for the whole night just playing video games, board games, or card games with everyone. I miss those people, and I miss those connections. I really wish I had stayed another year so I could've had three years with the closest friends I ever had instead of just those two. The worst feeling in the world is leaving that whole group behind and feeling completely left out of everything after that. It was much harder to see them all when they were still going to school and I had moved on. I didn't want to move on without them. And as a result, I fear that I ended up pushing them all away in short, hard thrusts of bad emotional outbursts because it hurt too much to not see them everyday. I was completely jealous, and I really do wish I had acted better toward them all. It's been 6 years and I still haven't gotten over it because of my stupidity of not letting myself check my ego at the door and apologize to them all. And it's unfortunate that I probably will never have that closure I seek because it is very difficult, if not impossible to go back to my home, as I am now living 1,000 miles away, and so are my parents. They moved back to their home, down south, after my brother and I graduated high school, so they are finally happy about where they live. But, my childhood home is forever gone. The house I grew up in is no longer mine to visit. And most of those friends have left the state to start on their own adventures without any strings attached. If I go back to that town, I will just be a tourist, not sure what's new anymore. I think besides the fact that I miss my friends so much, I sincerely am grieving the fact that the one place I called home is no longer mine. I feel lost and unsure of what to do. And since I can't find any relief for the pain I am feeling that comes with being homesick, I am no longer the person I know I am. I am more irritable and easy to anger. I am hoping that by trying to reconnect with people once more, that I can truly regain old friendships and fix old misunderstandings. Instead of living in my own little hole, surrounding myself with more and more emptiness, I need to reach out and try to become happier with myself and my life. Wish me luck...
I've created this journal to not chronicle my life as it goes by, but to put down my thoughts, feelings, insecurities, and issues, hoping it to be self-enlightening and theraputic. I hope that if anybody does end up reading this, that they may try and understand that I am only human with real emotions. One entry might be very happy indeed, and the next one may be completely depressing. I also tend to write in "Stream of Consciousness", so if it's not in pretty little paragraphs, oh well. ^_^ But that's life, and so it goes.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Lately, I've been feeling homesick. Not homesick for just a physical place, but a period of time in my life. I don't know if it's because I am close to my family again, and that it is the beginning of Autumn, but I have been craving the days of my sophomore and senior year of high school (I skipped my junior year) during football season. Getting out onto the field as a football statistician/chord girl for the Head Coach, smelling the crisp air, listening to the marching band play 'Hang On, Sloopy'. Sitting in the high school auditorium rehearsing my lines for the upcoming musical with my friends. Having 15 of my closest friends and me all crammed into that tiny little lunch table, laughing and having a great time. Going over to have "shindigs" for the whole night just playing video games, board games, or card games with everyone. I miss those people, and I miss those connections. I really wish I had stayed another year so I could've had three years with the closest friends I ever had instead of just those two. The worst feeling in the world is leaving that whole group behind and feeling completely left out of everything after that. It was much harder to see them all when they were still going to school and I had moved on. I didn't want to move on without them. And as a result, I fear that I ended up pushing them all away in short, hard thrusts of bad emotional outbursts because it hurt too much to not see them everyday. I was completely jealous, and I really do wish I had acted better toward them all. It's been 6 years and I still haven't gotten over it because of my stupidity of not letting myself check my ego at the door and apologize to them all. And it's unfortunate that I probably will never have that closure I seek because it is very difficult, if not impossible to go back to my home, as I am now living 1,000 miles away, and so are my parents. They moved back to their home, down south, after my brother and I graduated high school, so they are finally happy about where they live. But, my childhood home is forever gone. The house I grew up in is no longer mine to visit. And most of those friends have left the state to start on their own adventures without any strings attached. If I go back to that town, I will just be a tourist, not sure what's new anymore. I think besides the fact that I miss my friends so much, I sincerely am grieving the fact that the one place I called home is no longer mine. I feel lost and unsure of what to do. And since I can't find any relief for the pain I am feeling that comes with being homesick, I am no longer the person I know I am. I am more irritable and easy to anger. I am hoping that by trying to reconnect with people once more, that I can truly regain old friendships and fix old misunderstandings. Instead of living in my own little hole, surrounding myself with more and more emptiness, I need to reach out and try to become happier with myself and my life. Wish me luck...