Birthday failure
My 19th birthday was a total botch. I'm getting sick, and the day was perpetually gloomy. Don't get me wrong, I truly do appreciate all the happy birthday txts/calls/facebook messages (some of which were from people I did not expect), and the really thoughtful cake my new college friends got for me. I wish I could have properly shown how happy all of those things made me. But instead, I could only give half-assed responses to my benefactors due to my dismal mood.
This Holly thing has really, REALLY gotten under my skin. I think I might be close to official depression. Like, for real, I've got all the stupid symptoms they talk about on those zoloft (or whatever) commercials (you know, "not getting pleasure from things you once loved" etc.). Example- Friday night: I get back to my room that night and check my facebook, and on it I've gotten a message from Holly, saying simply "Hiiiiii". Now, in light of the talking ban, the fact that she sent me a message amazed and excited me. I replied, sent txts, and even tried calling her. I thought she was finally ready to talk about us. I was so worked up by this that I lay in my bed practically hyperventilating the whole night, unable to sleep. The next day after several more calls/txts, I got a hold of her. As it turns out, her little blurb on my facebook was just a mundane product of drunkenness, nothing more. No chance at reconciliation. No possibility of a stable relationship again. Not even fucking closure.
Now, I'm of course NOT against Holly enjoying college, I really am glad she got such a running start on it. Her roommates are good-looking just like her, so it's only natural three aesthetically pleasing college girls would hit up the social scene. I'm perfectly ok with that. What disturbs me is how I'm stuck in a fucking hurricane of tormenting emotion while she's seemingly having the time of her life. I feel like some pathetic clingy ex-boyfriend who doesn't know when he's finished. Her roommates probably think of me that way... which doesn't help my case at all. Everything's "Holly's having a blast!", "Holly's partying like a rockstar!", then all the pictures of her smiling and looking perfectly carefree. When I did manage to talk to her, she was very aloof and airy. "Oh I'm so busy today, we'll talk tomorrow though ok?", like I'm some acquanitance from highschool who isn't very important to her. I hate how I can't word all this apathy to make it really sound like I don't mind Holly's having a good time, which is the truth. If things were as they were between us and I saw all of this pleasantness, I really would be cheering her on all the more.
Supposedly tomorrow is the day of reckoning. We're finally going to talk things out. To be honest, I'm fairly sure this isn't going to end favorably for me. I believe I'm a relic of older days to her now. A burden. An unneccessary tether. I'm going to be told "we aren't the same people any more" and/or "things are too hard for us now" or even (God forbid... please) "I've met someone out here". And just like that, I'm going to be forced to watch the girl of my hopes and dreams live happily ever without me...
I hope, harder than I've ever hoped for anything, that I'm completely wrong on that last paragraph.
Please God... just this once... throw a pitch I can hit...
This Holly thing has really, REALLY gotten under my skin. I think I might be close to official depression. Like, for real, I've got all the stupid symptoms they talk about on those zoloft (or whatever) commercials (you know, "not getting pleasure from things you once loved" etc.). Example- Friday night: I get back to my room that night and check my facebook, and on it I've gotten a message from Holly, saying simply "Hiiiiii". Now, in light of the talking ban, the fact that she sent me a message amazed and excited me. I replied, sent txts, and even tried calling her. I thought she was finally ready to talk about us. I was so worked up by this that I lay in my bed practically hyperventilating the whole night, unable to sleep. The next day after several more calls/txts, I got a hold of her. As it turns out, her little blurb on my facebook was just a mundane product of drunkenness, nothing more. No chance at reconciliation. No possibility of a stable relationship again. Not even fucking closure.
Now, I'm of course NOT against Holly enjoying college, I really am glad she got such a running start on it. Her roommates are good-looking just like her, so it's only natural three aesthetically pleasing college girls would hit up the social scene. I'm perfectly ok with that. What disturbs me is how I'm stuck in a fucking hurricane of tormenting emotion while she's seemingly having the time of her life. I feel like some pathetic clingy ex-boyfriend who doesn't know when he's finished. Her roommates probably think of me that way... which doesn't help my case at all. Everything's "Holly's having a blast!", "Holly's partying like a rockstar!", then all the pictures of her smiling and looking perfectly carefree. When I did manage to talk to her, she was very aloof and airy. "Oh I'm so busy today, we'll talk tomorrow though ok?", like I'm some acquanitance from highschool who isn't very important to her. I hate how I can't word all this apathy to make it really sound like I don't mind Holly's having a good time, which is the truth. If things were as they were between us and I saw all of this pleasantness, I really would be cheering her on all the more.
Supposedly tomorrow is the day of reckoning. We're finally going to talk things out. To be honest, I'm fairly sure this isn't going to end favorably for me. I believe I'm a relic of older days to her now. A burden. An unneccessary tether. I'm going to be told "we aren't the same people any more" and/or "things are too hard for us now" or even (God forbid... please) "I've met someone out here". And just like that, I'm going to be forced to watch the girl of my hopes and dreams live happily ever without me...
I hope, harder than I've ever hoped for anything, that I'm completely wrong on that last paragraph.
Please God... just this once... throw a pitch I can hit...