Sappy Existencial post ahead!
I think I have an severe axiety problem, so much so that I think it's affected my health.
For the past few days I've had trouble swallowing and at night, and, in addition to swallowing troubles, I've had trouble breathing at night. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without feeling dizzy and having to gasp for breath every few steps.
Needless to say, it was very scary and I felt like I would never see 2010, or Christmas, or even the next day, and only made me more anxious just thinking about it!
But obviously I am now alive and well. My mysterious condition has been identified and will be seeing a doctor tomorrow hopefully for treatment and I feel very secure about my longevity.
But last nights experience definitely got me thinking.
2009 has been a year full of deaths, and not just celebrity, but personal. I lost both my beloved pooches this year to horrible ailments that left them so sad and pathetic going out of this world, and I lost one of my childhood friend who was only 12 years old in a terrible car accident this July. Not to mention an eye opening, sad, and disturbing live reinactment of a car crash due to drunk driving and it's affects people involved in it.
All these events together really made me think about my place in the world and what would happen if I were to die. All my dreams, my aspirations, would vanish in the instant my heart stopped beating. I would never know love, marriage, a family, or even a natural death at a ripe age.
It very scarywas scary, and for awhile, during summer break, I was afraid to really do anything that might even slightly endanger my life, like driving, going for walks, or even eating when I was home alone for fear that I might choke to death with no one to help me.
I think the fear of dying all alone and in pain frightened the ever lovin' crud out of me the most.
But it did help me appreciate life so much more, every day I make sure I tell my parents I love them before I head out to school, and take the time to just realize how wonderful life it, how beautiful a tree changing colors in the fall is, how lovely and delicate spider webs and flowers are. It really had made just the little things we take for granted so much more spectacular and meaningful. Every day I am taken in awe at the nature around me, by the people I meet, and the new experience I have.
I'm certain a few years or even months, I'll look back on this post and feel silly.
But let it be known to all of my online chums, I if I do die from some unforeseeable circumstances, just know that even though I may not have her had the pleasure to know you in person, shake your hand, see your face, or even hear your voice, I am grateful to have interacted and communicated with you, to have shared my delights and sorrows with you; I am simply glad that you acknowledge my presence and life and that is all I ask, and I thank you all for it.
And for the ones that I know or have had the pleasure to know in real life, I'm so glad to have known you and called you my friend. You have givien me support when I was down as I did the same for you, to share my interests and experiences with, and simply keep my company when I was alone and felt like I needed to interact with another human outside of a screen.
All of you have brought a little happiness into my life and I thank you so, so much for it.
Happy Holidays, and may next year be full of happiness and good and new experiences for all.
For the past few days I've had trouble swallowing and at night, and, in addition to swallowing troubles, I've had trouble breathing at night. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without feeling dizzy and having to gasp for breath every few steps.
Needless to say, it was very scary and I felt like I would never see 2010, or Christmas, or even the next day, and only made me more anxious just thinking about it!
But obviously I am now alive and well. My mysterious condition has been identified and will be seeing a doctor tomorrow hopefully for treatment and I feel very secure about my longevity.
But last nights experience definitely got me thinking.
2009 has been a year full of deaths, and not just celebrity, but personal. I lost both my beloved pooches this year to horrible ailments that left them so sad and pathetic going out of this world, and I lost one of my childhood friend who was only 12 years old in a terrible car accident this July. Not to mention an eye opening, sad, and disturbing live reinactment of a car crash due to drunk driving and it's affects people involved in it.
All these events together really made me think about my place in the world and what would happen if I were to die. All my dreams, my aspirations, would vanish in the instant my heart stopped beating. I would never know love, marriage, a family, or even a natural death at a ripe age.
It very scarywas scary, and for awhile, during summer break, I was afraid to really do anything that might even slightly endanger my life, like driving, going for walks, or even eating when I was home alone for fear that I might choke to death with no one to help me.
I think the fear of dying all alone and in pain frightened the ever lovin' crud out of me the most.
But it did help me appreciate life so much more, every day I make sure I tell my parents I love them before I head out to school, and take the time to just realize how wonderful life it, how beautiful a tree changing colors in the fall is, how lovely and delicate spider webs and flowers are. It really had made just the little things we take for granted so much more spectacular and meaningful. Every day I am taken in awe at the nature around me, by the people I meet, and the new experience I have.
I'm certain a few years or even months, I'll look back on this post and feel silly.
But let it be known to all of my online chums, I if I do die from some unforeseeable circumstances, just know that even though I may not have her had the pleasure to know you in person, shake your hand, see your face, or even hear your voice, I am grateful to have interacted and communicated with you, to have shared my delights and sorrows with you; I am simply glad that you acknowledge my presence and life and that is all I ask, and I thank you all for it.
And for the ones that I know or have had the pleasure to know in real life, I'm so glad to have known you and called you my friend. You have givien me support when I was down as I did the same for you, to share my interests and experiences with, and simply keep my company when I was alone and felt like I needed to interact with another human outside of a screen.
All of you have brought a little happiness into my life and I thank you so, so much for it.
Happy Holidays, and may next year be full of happiness and good and new experiences for all.