ramblings
I am SO SICK. I think I'm getting better, but it's been a week now (or longer). Damned asthma. Damned lungs. I have bronchitis and it doesn't want to let me sleep or function very well. I hate that this seems to be the worst bout ever. I've never had this much trouble just getting through the days. One reason I hate it is because it's like a signal to me - yeah, you're older, things are hitting harder. Shit. I hate it. I walk quite a bit with my dog, I try to do some healthy things, but still. Just fuck, I hate it.
The kitten, the one I never posted photos - the only digitial camera I had was on the video recorder, and the pictures were blurry. I still hope to post some up - my daughter took a few with her phone, and I got a digital camera for Xmas, one I've yet to use. Anyway, we've never settled on a name for him, though the names we most frequently call him are: Cottonball, Flea, Cottonius E. Ball, Wee Man. He's so damned cute and evil. He has no fear. In the middle of the night, sometimes he gets on the old Valentine's Day heart pillow and kneads and suckles, which makes me so sad. He had to leave his mom too soon.
Poor fellow's balls will be lopped off (wince) on Monday. I worry about him - they won't let me bring him home till Tuesday. Will he think we've left him forever?
The world of spn fandom: I've never been in a large fandom before - everything I was (am) interested in was fairly easy to keep up with, being I'm all, you know, OLDER, loving crazy or older or crazy and older shows. Okay, well, I couldn't keep up with the fiction in S&H, that's true. But the fiction in spn is just overwhelming. I have tons saved to read. I remember I came online once asking for dark fiction in the fandom, and the truth of the matter is, some of the absolute darkest fiction I've read in spn doesn't work for me. I have to be able to follow the character's reasoning or emotions as to why they'd sink that dark, or I have to be able to buy the situation they've gotten into for the duration, at least. Which is funny, because I relish tropes and crack. Not the crack labeled crack, ordinarily/necessarily, but the crack that is self-aware, I guess. I read astolat 's Bad Blood (Sam/Dean), and oh, oh my God, it's fuck or die with one hour to spare, and Dean's looking for ANYTHING to fuck. Yeah, anything, not just anyone. Pretty hysterical:) But there's plenty of dark, angsty fiction out there to make me happy, just not so extreme as I thought it had to be.
The thing about getting older: I've seen lots of women that just ACT so differently from me. I mean, of course we're all different, yes, but I feel like I'm from a different planet. Here I am, squirming around on my seat at the Brownie's meeting because they're talking about selling Girl Scout Cookies, and they're so EARNEST. I'm not all that social in a broad sort of way, folks, and I suspect I'm not always all that approachable. I grew up a strange mixture of somewhat coddled and very much neglected, good student, not so good environment, and I learned to just sort of wait and see what happened when I met someone. I'd check them out, see how they acted before I decided to communicate in a (somewhat) honest manner or to pretend until I could get away. Mostly, acquaintances just don't mean much to me, and I don't get joy out of meeting people. What I get is stress. Don't get me wrong - I wish people well, hope for them to be happy. It's just hard. Someone told me in junior high that they didn't talk to me because they thought I might be a bully. (I'm tall and pretty strong-looking, methinks, and I don't smile much at strangers. Though I laugh a whole lot when I'm with my girl friends. But.)
I just don't do well with that Brownie stuff. I'm not one for organizations, to tell the truth. When I was what, nine, ten? the people across the street took me to their church. The brother was the preacher. He shouted and jumped, told us we were going to hell. I thought it was sort of appalling. And he asked and pleaded and demanded that I get saved. I was pressured. I did it. The whole time I was thinking, just get through it. Never went back. I hear they prayed for me later. How humilating. For the longest time I had a phobia of churches. I still have an initial churning in the gut when I go inside one. (I'm possessed or something?) And hey, that preacher, it turned out, was stealing funds from the church. Great guy.
At least at soccer I can get all enthused about the girls and their team, but I don't know how to talk very well about booths and cookies and badges and shit. I'm SO BORED. (I might be a little happier with it if the girls made more than .50 a box for their troop activities, but probably not. Whatever.)
I just don't like gatherings of large people, ever (I went to a couple of cons, even, and was still uneasy, though I did meet some people I like:). Not because I hate people. Because I'm not comfortable.
All I want to do is take care of my family, help them to be happy, raise the girls right, to NOT DO housework (which, futile, but I hate it), write, watch shows I love, read, play on the laptop, play with my hobbies, get outdoors, and get together with my girl friends so I can laugh and curse and say crazy things (without people thinking I'm not ACCEPTABLE), drink sometimes and have fun. I've grown up in lots of ways, in terms of what I have to do, my responsibilities and consequences and accepting what I have to do if I want certain things, but as Cass says, the hoomans? Bewilder me.
But if you're reading this and you're twenty or thirty and you think you'll change a lot when you get into your forties, well -maybe you will. Maybe it'll be different for you. And maybe you won't - maybe you'll still feel close to the same inside, still have the same tendencies, feel the same things. Maybe you respond to them differently, yep. You might have more things figured out, sure.
I felt like I was 1,000 years old at times before I ever hit puberty, and at times I felt younger than my age. Hasn't changed. Just my physicality has, and regrettably, the lung rottage or whatthefuckever it is.
I've learned some things, though.