CM fic: For fear of falling - part 3

Mar 18, 2009 20:55

Part Three - Emily

You don’t turn to look at her as you tell her to go, because you know her eyes would be your downfall. The hands on your knees are starting to tremble and you know it won’t be long before you break. You desperately want her out before you do.

You know that she knows she hurt you, but you refuse to let her know just how much she meant to you. Still does, in fact. So you don’t really care if you have to be rude with her to get her out, as long as she doesn’t see you falling.

You may not have anything else left, but you still got your pride.

Yet she doesn’t move. She’s standing behind you, motionless, and her presence starts to burn your back. You refuse to turn, refuse to even acknowlegde she’s still there. You can just imagine what she looks like now. Wide eyes, fixed on the back of your head, hands, wrung tightly together. Her mouth just slightly open, trying and failing to find words. The mental image doesn’t exactly make it easier for you to hold the tears back. You’re fighting hard to keep your head up, your back straight and your eyes dry.

She won’t get to see you break. She won’t. She won’t.

Suddenly you hear a sob behind you and your head flies around so quickly you almost twist your neck. She’s crying. Really crying, her head hung low, her face hidden in her hands.

You’re too surprised to do anything.

So you just stare at her until she lifts her head and looks you in the eye. She’s beautiful. Inspite of the mascara running down her cheeks, she’s still the most beautiful thing in the world to you. She’s fixing you with those clear, blue eyes of hers and you can feel them starting to creep behind your defenses. No matter how hard you try, you can’t keep them out and soon you get that familiar feeling of being laid bare in front of her.

‘’I’m so sorry.’’

She whispers again and you get the impression that she knows exactly how close you are to breaking. And for a moment you start to hate her for how well she knows you. And then you see another tear make its way down her cheek and you simply can’t hate her anymore. So you just nod, you don’t want her pity and you don’t want her to feel guilty over her decision.

It’s not her fault she can’t love you.

You don’t trust your voice. She’s sorry. Sorry that she hurt you. And still she’ll go back to him. Because she never loved you the way you loved her. And that’s the final straw. You move to get up and stand right in front of her.

‘’Please go, Jennifer.’’, you say with a breaking voice and she nods sadly and actually starts to make her way to the still open door.

As soon as you’re sure she’s on her way out you turn and practically run into your bedroom. You just manage to close the door behind you before you collapse onto the bed.

Tears are falling from your eyes unchecked and you feel like drowning in your own grief, your own despair and hopelessness. She’s going to marry him and she never loved you. You’ve been a fool to tell yourself otherwise.

You feel like you can’t breathe and you realize you’re close to hyperventilating. What a mess you are. You start to hate yourself for being so weak. For being so unlovable. And you dig your nails deep into the skin of your hands. Just as they are about to draw blood there’s a gentle hand on your back.

*****

femslash, emily/jj, jj/emily, criminal minds

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