M.E.
It's the oddest thing, having ME. The only thing I can even vaguely compare it to is when you've drunk yourself sober. When you've had two bottles of wine at 1pm, and now it's 7pm and you haven't been able to sleep it off, and you're nowhere near drunk any more because things have stopped being funny, but you know damn well you're still over the drink-drive limit.
The oddest thing, too, is how many people you mention it to answer with "Oh! I had that too but then I discovered this multivitamin/exercise/therapy that cured me! You need to do THIS!" No. No, I really don't think I do. (The one exception to that rule is probably my friend Holly, who really does have a fantastic doctor. Unfortunately said doctor is £300 just for a Skype consultation. I don't have £300 and if I did it wouldn't be spare for things like health.) Having said that, I must have spent about £500 on various vitamins and supplements over the last year since I first genuinely started admitting to myself that I may have this, and while some of them have offered temporary relief, I generally feel quite stupid shovelling five quid's worth of pills into my mouth when previous experience has proved that there's no guarantee that I'll be able to leave the house tomorrow.
And also, try explaining to people that you really can't talk to them on the phone. Try it. My brain no longer functions for telephone conversations. My brain battery goes down by 2% every minute I'm on the phone - it's like my brain is an iPhone, but there's no charger for me to plug into.
I've debated booking into one of those euthanasia clinics in Europe, but everyone just thinks I'm mentally ill if I say that. I try to convince myself once in a while that I am just mental after all, and I force myself to go for a long walk, and then the next day I don't even have the energy to breathe and I know I'm not just crazy. People tell me to fight through it, to carry on anyway, sorry Katy, can you do this for me(?), will you pick up the phone to me? I would love to, and I will keep trying.
You know when you're a kid and having some kind of illness is cool? Yeah, I can't do that because I have this really unusual congenital thing which makes me really cool and interesting? This is not like that. I do not want you, ME. I want to deny your existence and go for a walk anyway. Screw you, ME.
I'd rather die walking than live a life on the sofa. I do not want you, ME.
The oddest thing, too, is how many people you mention it to answer with "Oh! I had that too but then I discovered this multivitamin/exercise/therapy that cured me! You need to do THIS!" No. No, I really don't think I do. (The one exception to that rule is probably my friend Holly, who really does have a fantastic doctor. Unfortunately said doctor is £300 just for a Skype consultation. I don't have £300 and if I did it wouldn't be spare for things like health.) Having said that, I must have spent about £500 on various vitamins and supplements over the last year since I first genuinely started admitting to myself that I may have this, and while some of them have offered temporary relief, I generally feel quite stupid shovelling five quid's worth of pills into my mouth when previous experience has proved that there's no guarantee that I'll be able to leave the house tomorrow.
And also, try explaining to people that you really can't talk to them on the phone. Try it. My brain no longer functions for telephone conversations. My brain battery goes down by 2% every minute I'm on the phone - it's like my brain is an iPhone, but there's no charger for me to plug into.
I've debated booking into one of those euthanasia clinics in Europe, but everyone just thinks I'm mentally ill if I say that. I try to convince myself once in a while that I am just mental after all, and I force myself to go for a long walk, and then the next day I don't even have the energy to breathe and I know I'm not just crazy. People tell me to fight through it, to carry on anyway, sorry Katy, can you do this for me(?), will you pick up the phone to me? I would love to, and I will keep trying.
You know when you're a kid and having some kind of illness is cool? Yeah, I can't do that because I have this really unusual congenital thing which makes me really cool and interesting? This is not like that. I do not want you, ME. I want to deny your existence and go for a walk anyway. Screw you, ME.
I'd rather die walking than live a life on the sofa. I do not want you, ME.