Oblivion
Oblivion...Thats the future...Lost in the past...
Standing on the edge of something special. It feels almost exciting, but this isn't an oblivion of my choosing. It is funny how things can change. When you look back and think about the past it feels almost like it never exsisted. But then who's to say it ever did? The human brain has an amazing ability to rose over the past.
I have this memory in my brain of Sholden in Devon. In my mind I can clearly see the bridge crossing the river from a view point about two miles up the road. The skys are clear and the tide is out. The mud flats are clearly visible for all to see as the sun shines down almost baking the mud. Glistening against the water is this fantastic long RED bridge crossing the almost empty tidal river.
Sholden is a place I used to go on holiday every year when I was a pre-teen. It is a lovely sea side village with a few pubs and a nice enough beach. A few years back my parents decided to go on holiday with myself to Sholden once again. I was very excited to see this small sea side village where i had spent many a happy day.
As we approached Sholden it felt as if we had gone back in time. I remembered all the roads comming into sholden and the Garden centre i had hated so much as a child. But something was different...
So back to Oblivion...
"Everything is going to change" Or so the crazy Korian in Lost says, but it's true. The last 6 months have been an amazing growing period for me. A sort of cleansing of the past ready for the future. After 2 years of lying in a mess that I half created, I have finally pulled myself out of the rut and back on to a less rocky path. But this cleansing of the past is not an easy one for me.
Reminders of the past suddenly keep comming up. That's the problem with reconnecting with old friends. Namely Rhiannon. A few weeks ago I thought I'd txt her and see how she was. I worry about her as the last time i spoke to her, she was on a very limited contract at saver centre/sainsburys. She hasnt had the best of lives and so I feel the need to see exactly how her life is going.
Unemployed, smoking too many substances, drinking too much and getting into too many fights. That sums everything up really, but what is strange is at the same time as my growing period, she is finally starting to grow too. When I got back in contact with her she was desperate for a new job and was about to move out of her mum's house and into a rented appartment with a few friends of hers. Over several weeks I have been there taking her to job interviews and finally to a "Get to know each other" social evening for her new job working in a bar. She really wants this new job to work and I'm pleased for her. She finally cares enough about employment to keep a job and not get fired for calling the manager a *&^%.
She also wants to settle down. Yes sex is still a massive talking point for her, you really can't go two sentences without one reference to sex. But she really likes her new boyfriend and wants a more meaningful and serious relationship. Unfortunetly he wants something more casual. Its a shame but it does show some real progress, especially seeing as he is the only guy she has been "with" lately.
It's nice to see her trying to improove herself. It shows that even the hardest done by people can make the effort to get back on track and, in a way, gives me some faith that other people I care about or have cared about can make something of themselves.
But as I said reminders of the past keep cropping up. Meeting Rhiannon has the obvious implecation of having to talk about France and the people connected with France. It's ok but the France thing held me back for so long and now that I'm finally growing little reminders just drag me back a few inches. The idea that every one of that group all still speak to each other except for me does hurt a little, but then I was always the outsider in that group. I was the one who came late to the party and gate crashed all relationships. In a way I think it's funny how I sort of stole Rhiannon from Dan and Charli from Darren. Dan does talk to me now but I can understand his annoyance at me being with his X girlfriend. A small part of me wishes that all our group could be friends again as those days were extremely fun and the most interesting i've ever had, but then as I said the brain does strange things to memories. Even the things that appear as crystal clear images aren't always that accurate.
Take the red bridge for example...
My memory of this shinning red iron bridge spanning the tidal river was pritty inaccurate. There was a bridge, but it looked nothing like i remembered. As we came over the hill approaching the exact spot the image in my memory was taken from, I notice how wrong I was. Steel replaced by stone, red replaced by different shades of grey. See even this memory has been corrupted.
So maybe I shouldn't take these reminders of the past so seriously as my memory of the events, which is all I have, may not be exactly what happened.
Oblivion...Thats the future...The past is lost...
I stand here on the verge of Oblivion. I feel like there is a clock counting down to that final liberating day when I step off the cliff and fall into the unknown of Oblivion. The clocks been ticking for ahwile now but with time it only grows louder. This beating I feel in my heart only pushes me closer to the edge, I can only prepare myself for that finally great leap.
Do I go kicking and screaming? Or do I run and leap off the edge? Part of me is screaming but I know that kicking will only harm others. So I must prepare myself for one giant leap of faith. Hoping that the right path is inside Oblivion.
Parting is such sweet sorrow...or so they say...
The start of everything, is easier than the end...
Every ending is a new beggining...
I could go on forever but that would be pointless. Everyone is growing now and those easy teen years are far behind us. We are all starting to trudge along our paths in life. For me though, I am totaly unprepared.
University finishes for everyone at some point and for my best friends that time has come. After 3 years of intensive work and playing to the max, the fun days are over and real life is just a stones throw away. Everyone goes there seperate ways in hope that one day they will reunite. For some of the group that will be easy, for others that will be hard.
Starting this section I should say a thankyou. Everyone needs a support structure in there lives, especially those stuck in one gigantic rut in the road to enlightenment. Thats what Gemma, Ash and Boud have been to me over the past 2 and a half years. Through my worst and best times they have been there. Each of them has helped me in there own way to be where I am today. Standing on the edge...
But then they too are standing on the edge. Where as I have been in the real world for the last 6 months, they are just beggining there experiance of the real world. And in starting that experiance, we must say good bye...
Good byes are hard. I still remember the moment I said goodbye to Charlotte, "I can't promise I'm comming back" In my heart I knew I wouldn't be. Thinking back to all those people I said goodbye to at the end of year 11 and year 13. Out of all of them who I promised to keep in contact with, only Ash and Jon do I really still speak to on regular occassions. That is the hard part about good byes, in your heart you never know if its forever. If you knew that you would never see them again then it'd be like ripping a plaster off of your skin, quick painful but stops hurting very quickly. But friendships aren't like that. I know I'll keep in contact with Gemma, Ash and Boud, but there is always that doubt inside that this is the end.
It won't be the end of friendship but the end of the support structure I have come to rely appon. This is Oblivion...
The not knowing is what kills. In a few months time I'll be making that last jump. I have no idea where it will lead or what comes next. All I can be sure about is that I'll make the right desicions when I get there. Its like standing at a train station knowing that you have to go somewhere but not knowing which platform you need to be on.
I know come the day of Oblivion that my support network will be severly limited and that is what I'm affraid of. Going into Oblivion alone.
These days it seems like everyone is either two steps further a long the line than I am or at least have some idea of which line to take. I ran into an X girlfriend the other day. Strange experiance seeing as it was my first proper girlfriend. It was nice seeing her again,her names Holly by the way, but then she says she is getting married and that Katie is also getting married. I'm single, and probably will be forever, and have absolutly no idea where this O2 job is going to lead.
All I know is that im walking a lone into Oblivion with the smallest security blanket I've ever had. I don't know where I'm going. I have no real idea of what I want to be, just that I need to grow.
The last 6 months have been great. I finally got a full time job working for O2 in sittingbourne and it has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. For starters there is the money, yes money isn't everything but there isn't anyone that can't say it makes life easier. The main thing this job has done to me is give me a boost. After France i felt useless and that no one actualy had any faith in me. I felt that I had no skills and that I had waisted a year and a half of my life. Even now I still have the occassional day where I feel like I will never ever achieve anything, but those days happen less and less the more I work for O2.
I'm a salesman and possible future Assistant Branch Manager and possible Branch Manager. I spend every day talking to customers and trying to relate to all sorts of different people. One moment I'll be talking to a stoner, the next a high court judge and the next a Russian. It has all gone to boosting my confidence. Dot has put me as the Experiance Champ for the store, as of now I have no idea what that means, but it still shows that she has faith in me. Even my boss Rob has huge amounts of faith in me. So why am I scared of doing this all alone?
Security...
I have nothing to fall back on if things don't go well. Yes there are parents but you can't communicate with them the same way I do with Gemma, Ash and Boud.
The problem comes, though, that to grow even further than I have already, I need certain things in my life to change. Namely a weekly event that happens...well...weekly. I have to cut down on my smoking and to do that I need to cut it out completly for awhile. Ash and Gemma leaving meams less opertunity anyway so it may be better for all of us.
What will be will be, just got get ready for the future whatever it may hold.
Oblivion...Thats the future...The clock is ticking...
Standing on the edge of something special. It feels almost exciting, but this isn't an oblivion of my choosing. It is funny how things can change. When you look back and think about the past it feels almost like it never exsisted. But then who's to say it ever did? The human brain has an amazing ability to rose over the past.
I have this memory in my brain of Sholden in Devon. In my mind I can clearly see the bridge crossing the river from a view point about two miles up the road. The skys are clear and the tide is out. The mud flats are clearly visible for all to see as the sun shines down almost baking the mud. Glistening against the water is this fantastic long RED bridge crossing the almost empty tidal river.
Sholden is a place I used to go on holiday every year when I was a pre-teen. It is a lovely sea side village with a few pubs and a nice enough beach. A few years back my parents decided to go on holiday with myself to Sholden once again. I was very excited to see this small sea side village where i had spent many a happy day.
As we approached Sholden it felt as if we had gone back in time. I remembered all the roads comming into sholden and the Garden centre i had hated so much as a child. But something was different...
So back to Oblivion...
"Everything is going to change" Or so the crazy Korian in Lost says, but it's true. The last 6 months have been an amazing growing period for me. A sort of cleansing of the past ready for the future. After 2 years of lying in a mess that I half created, I have finally pulled myself out of the rut and back on to a less rocky path. But this cleansing of the past is not an easy one for me.
Reminders of the past suddenly keep comming up. That's the problem with reconnecting with old friends. Namely Rhiannon. A few weeks ago I thought I'd txt her and see how she was. I worry about her as the last time i spoke to her, she was on a very limited contract at saver centre/sainsburys. She hasnt had the best of lives and so I feel the need to see exactly how her life is going.
Unemployed, smoking too many substances, drinking too much and getting into too many fights. That sums everything up really, but what is strange is at the same time as my growing period, she is finally starting to grow too. When I got back in contact with her she was desperate for a new job and was about to move out of her mum's house and into a rented appartment with a few friends of hers. Over several weeks I have been there taking her to job interviews and finally to a "Get to know each other" social evening for her new job working in a bar. She really wants this new job to work and I'm pleased for her. She finally cares enough about employment to keep a job and not get fired for calling the manager a *&^%.
She also wants to settle down. Yes sex is still a massive talking point for her, you really can't go two sentences without one reference to sex. But she really likes her new boyfriend and wants a more meaningful and serious relationship. Unfortunetly he wants something more casual. Its a shame but it does show some real progress, especially seeing as he is the only guy she has been "with" lately.
It's nice to see her trying to improove herself. It shows that even the hardest done by people can make the effort to get back on track and, in a way, gives me some faith that other people I care about or have cared about can make something of themselves.
But as I said reminders of the past keep cropping up. Meeting Rhiannon has the obvious implecation of having to talk about France and the people connected with France. It's ok but the France thing held me back for so long and now that I'm finally growing little reminders just drag me back a few inches. The idea that every one of that group all still speak to each other except for me does hurt a little, but then I was always the outsider in that group. I was the one who came late to the party and gate crashed all relationships. In a way I think it's funny how I sort of stole Rhiannon from Dan and Charli from Darren. Dan does talk to me now but I can understand his annoyance at me being with his X girlfriend. A small part of me wishes that all our group could be friends again as those days were extremely fun and the most interesting i've ever had, but then as I said the brain does strange things to memories. Even the things that appear as crystal clear images aren't always that accurate.
Take the red bridge for example...
My memory of this shinning red iron bridge spanning the tidal river was pritty inaccurate. There was a bridge, but it looked nothing like i remembered. As we came over the hill approaching the exact spot the image in my memory was taken from, I notice how wrong I was. Steel replaced by stone, red replaced by different shades of grey. See even this memory has been corrupted.
So maybe I shouldn't take these reminders of the past so seriously as my memory of the events, which is all I have, may not be exactly what happened.
Oblivion...Thats the future...The past is lost...
I stand here on the verge of Oblivion. I feel like there is a clock counting down to that final liberating day when I step off the cliff and fall into the unknown of Oblivion. The clocks been ticking for ahwile now but with time it only grows louder. This beating I feel in my heart only pushes me closer to the edge, I can only prepare myself for that finally great leap.
Do I go kicking and screaming? Or do I run and leap off the edge? Part of me is screaming but I know that kicking will only harm others. So I must prepare myself for one giant leap of faith. Hoping that the right path is inside Oblivion.
Parting is such sweet sorrow...or so they say...
The start of everything, is easier than the end...
Every ending is a new beggining...
I could go on forever but that would be pointless. Everyone is growing now and those easy teen years are far behind us. We are all starting to trudge along our paths in life. For me though, I am totaly unprepared.
University finishes for everyone at some point and for my best friends that time has come. After 3 years of intensive work and playing to the max, the fun days are over and real life is just a stones throw away. Everyone goes there seperate ways in hope that one day they will reunite. For some of the group that will be easy, for others that will be hard.
Starting this section I should say a thankyou. Everyone needs a support structure in there lives, especially those stuck in one gigantic rut in the road to enlightenment. Thats what Gemma, Ash and Boud have been to me over the past 2 and a half years. Through my worst and best times they have been there. Each of them has helped me in there own way to be where I am today. Standing on the edge...
But then they too are standing on the edge. Where as I have been in the real world for the last 6 months, they are just beggining there experiance of the real world. And in starting that experiance, we must say good bye...
Good byes are hard. I still remember the moment I said goodbye to Charlotte, "I can't promise I'm comming back" In my heart I knew I wouldn't be. Thinking back to all those people I said goodbye to at the end of year 11 and year 13. Out of all of them who I promised to keep in contact with, only Ash and Jon do I really still speak to on regular occassions. That is the hard part about good byes, in your heart you never know if its forever. If you knew that you would never see them again then it'd be like ripping a plaster off of your skin, quick painful but stops hurting very quickly. But friendships aren't like that. I know I'll keep in contact with Gemma, Ash and Boud, but there is always that doubt inside that this is the end.
It won't be the end of friendship but the end of the support structure I have come to rely appon. This is Oblivion...
The not knowing is what kills. In a few months time I'll be making that last jump. I have no idea where it will lead or what comes next. All I can be sure about is that I'll make the right desicions when I get there. Its like standing at a train station knowing that you have to go somewhere but not knowing which platform you need to be on.
I know come the day of Oblivion that my support network will be severly limited and that is what I'm affraid of. Going into Oblivion alone.
These days it seems like everyone is either two steps further a long the line than I am or at least have some idea of which line to take. I ran into an X girlfriend the other day. Strange experiance seeing as it was my first proper girlfriend. It was nice seeing her again,her names Holly by the way, but then she says she is getting married and that Katie is also getting married. I'm single, and probably will be forever, and have absolutly no idea where this O2 job is going to lead.
All I know is that im walking a lone into Oblivion with the smallest security blanket I've ever had. I don't know where I'm going. I have no real idea of what I want to be, just that I need to grow.
The last 6 months have been great. I finally got a full time job working for O2 in sittingbourne and it has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. For starters there is the money, yes money isn't everything but there isn't anyone that can't say it makes life easier. The main thing this job has done to me is give me a boost. After France i felt useless and that no one actualy had any faith in me. I felt that I had no skills and that I had waisted a year and a half of my life. Even now I still have the occassional day where I feel like I will never ever achieve anything, but those days happen less and less the more I work for O2.
I'm a salesman and possible future Assistant Branch Manager and possible Branch Manager. I spend every day talking to customers and trying to relate to all sorts of different people. One moment I'll be talking to a stoner, the next a high court judge and the next a Russian. It has all gone to boosting my confidence. Dot has put me as the Experiance Champ for the store, as of now I have no idea what that means, but it still shows that she has faith in me. Even my boss Rob has huge amounts of faith in me. So why am I scared of doing this all alone?
Security...
I have nothing to fall back on if things don't go well. Yes there are parents but you can't communicate with them the same way I do with Gemma, Ash and Boud.
The problem comes, though, that to grow even further than I have already, I need certain things in my life to change. Namely a weekly event that happens...well...weekly. I have to cut down on my smoking and to do that I need to cut it out completly for awhile. Ash and Gemma leaving meams less opertunity anyway so it may be better for all of us.
What will be will be, just got get ready for the future whatever it may hold.
Oblivion...Thats the future...The clock is ticking...