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okay so i know i haven't really updated in quite some time. but heres the update... school is good i love my classes but i have no money for food. my dad thinks i'm not serious about school, he doesn't know if my family should lend me the money for food which sucks ass. but i am serious about school. its the only thing i have going for me right now to be honest with you.
i think joel and i are apart for good now. he told me today that nicole was coming up for the night which yea upsets me, but what upsets me more is that he couldn't tell me until the day of. had he just told me when he found out i woulda had some time to get over it or what not. and then he goes off saying that everything i feel is bullshit and he doesn't know what to say, that he's sick of this drama and blah blah. but wtf am i supposed to do? am i supposed to feel completely normal that a girl that he still has feelings for is coming up?? i know were technically 'not together' but even if he lives 3 million miles away and i knew some girl was coming to see him that he still had feelings for, i would be sad.
god i swear it hurts so much that all this love is just shot down because i have some feelings. and now i'm sure every one of his friends thinks i'm a bitch for putting him through this. but who would they think was the jerk if i was the one pulling all this shit with my ex???? yea all i'm sayin is that he can do what he wants to do but if he thinks it's gonna hurt me THEN STOP DRAGGING ME ALONG IN THE PROCESS, i dunno how many times i hafta say it. i'm being so naive thinking that he really loves me and that this time he'll respect me and tell me whats up.
don't get me wrong i understand how he's feeling i know all this must be hard for him. and my feelings must get annoying but i bet fifty bucks it would be easier if he just straight up decided what he wanted and left whichever girl he didn't want as much alone. let her get on with her life. i feel bad for nicole too cause she hasta go through all this shit too. but at the same time i don't feel bad cause she had her chance already you know??
i just HATE that everything comes down to my actions and in this case i feel that these actions were justifiable i was upset that nicole was coming but i was gonna deal with that. the fact that he thinks that everything i feel is bullshit is what makes me so sad. like i dunno maybe this is abstract thinking but i think that my actions would show him just how much i ACTUALLY love him, everything that i go through and still love him.
but what hurts the most overall is that he's the one who decided to leave me. what did i do so horribly wrong that i'm the one that causes the relationship to end??? nothing. all i did was love him with all i had...and if thats not what he wants then i don't wanna give it to him anymore. i'll save it for someone who will appreciate it.
i think joel and i are apart for good now. he told me today that nicole was coming up for the night which yea upsets me, but what upsets me more is that he couldn't tell me until the day of. had he just told me when he found out i woulda had some time to get over it or what not. and then he goes off saying that everything i feel is bullshit and he doesn't know what to say, that he's sick of this drama and blah blah. but wtf am i supposed to do? am i supposed to feel completely normal that a girl that he still has feelings for is coming up?? i know were technically 'not together' but even if he lives 3 million miles away and i knew some girl was coming to see him that he still had feelings for, i would be sad.
god i swear it hurts so much that all this love is just shot down because i have some feelings. and now i'm sure every one of his friends thinks i'm a bitch for putting him through this. but who would they think was the jerk if i was the one pulling all this shit with my ex???? yea all i'm sayin is that he can do what he wants to do but if he thinks it's gonna hurt me THEN STOP DRAGGING ME ALONG IN THE PROCESS, i dunno how many times i hafta say it. i'm being so naive thinking that he really loves me and that this time he'll respect me and tell me whats up.
don't get me wrong i understand how he's feeling i know all this must be hard for him. and my feelings must get annoying but i bet fifty bucks it would be easier if he just straight up decided what he wanted and left whichever girl he didn't want as much alone. let her get on with her life. i feel bad for nicole too cause she hasta go through all this shit too. but at the same time i don't feel bad cause she had her chance already you know??
i just HATE that everything comes down to my actions and in this case i feel that these actions were justifiable i was upset that nicole was coming but i was gonna deal with that. the fact that he thinks that everything i feel is bullshit is what makes me so sad. like i dunno maybe this is abstract thinking but i think that my actions would show him just how much i ACTUALLY love him, everything that i go through and still love him.
but what hurts the most overall is that he's the one who decided to leave me. what did i do so horribly wrong that i'm the one that causes the relationship to end??? nothing. all i did was love him with all i had...and if thats not what he wants then i don't wanna give it to him anymore. i'll save it for someone who will appreciate it.