Home, home, where I wanted to go
Does anyone else feel their emotions aren’t justified? Does anyone else feel that you shouldn’t mourn someone-at least not to the degree that you find yourself mourning? Do you ever feel like you don’t have the right to miss someone, because you weren’t as close as others, and it wouldn’t be fair to miss them? I mean, how could I possibly be missing this person more than he/she does?
Maybe this just comes with me being an emotional (passionate would be the positive spin on this one), or overly emotional (as of late) person. I don’t know how to deal with Kevin’s passing. The memories I have of him are so fleeting, from so long ago, and yet so incredibly positive. I have to believe one of the best Valentine’s Days I’ve ever spent was with him nine years ago. I think what made it so special was the build up, and the anticipation, of what it might mean to be going out to dinner on Valentine’s Day with a cute guy. Then of course… to have everything unfold in such a perfect and insanely dreamlike way left me on cloud nine for some time (obviously years later).
Kevin and I never really dated. It was a few times hanging out together, running high on emotions from flirting and a couple of stolen kisses here and there (one in particular under a streetlight on the UWM campus). We realized that it was probably wrong of us to see each other at all, with the confusion of what it would mean for our friendships with Becki. I know those sparse dates are what led to the end of our best-friendship, and I wish I could go back and change that.
But I could never wish away those few exciting teenage dates together. The way he used to tell me that he’d fall asleep smiling because he was thinking about me, or even the fact that he used to call me Ms. Stunning after our obsession over Sadie Hawkins Dance by Relient K.
It was short lived, and probably didn’t mean much to him. I wondered recently if he even remembered who I was, but didn’t feel like making myself known again, even when he started to get sick.
I hated knowing how this was going to end, almost as it was just beginning. I hated that the only knowledge of Ewing’s Sarcoma I had for Becki was the loss of a dear friend, our beautiful, be-in-the-moment Anni.
It just feels weird. I know we’re not meant to live forever, but I can’t help arguing with God wondering why he has to take away those who can make us feel so damn incredible, even if it’s only for a short period of time.
So now I’m drowning myself in memories again. Listening to A Rush of Blood to the Head (Coldplay came on while we were at our Valentine’s dinner) and contemplating watching Hitch when I’m done with my virtually endless paper grading.
This isn’t my way of making myself sad, or making myself feel things I haven’t felt in so long. This is more like my way of sending a feeling out into the infinite abyss, a feeling of gratitude.
Thanks for the memories, Mr. Stunning.
[ http://kasey-fay.livejournal.com/2005/02/14/ ]
Maybe this just comes with me being an emotional (passionate would be the positive spin on this one), or overly emotional (as of late) person. I don’t know how to deal with Kevin’s passing. The memories I have of him are so fleeting, from so long ago, and yet so incredibly positive. I have to believe one of the best Valentine’s Days I’ve ever spent was with him nine years ago. I think what made it so special was the build up, and the anticipation, of what it might mean to be going out to dinner on Valentine’s Day with a cute guy. Then of course… to have everything unfold in such a perfect and insanely dreamlike way left me on cloud nine for some time (obviously years later).
Kevin and I never really dated. It was a few times hanging out together, running high on emotions from flirting and a couple of stolen kisses here and there (one in particular under a streetlight on the UWM campus). We realized that it was probably wrong of us to see each other at all, with the confusion of what it would mean for our friendships with Becki. I know those sparse dates are what led to the end of our best-friendship, and I wish I could go back and change that.
But I could never wish away those few exciting teenage dates together. The way he used to tell me that he’d fall asleep smiling because he was thinking about me, or even the fact that he used to call me Ms. Stunning after our obsession over Sadie Hawkins Dance by Relient K.
It was short lived, and probably didn’t mean much to him. I wondered recently if he even remembered who I was, but didn’t feel like making myself known again, even when he started to get sick.
I hated knowing how this was going to end, almost as it was just beginning. I hated that the only knowledge of Ewing’s Sarcoma I had for Becki was the loss of a dear friend, our beautiful, be-in-the-moment Anni.
It just feels weird. I know we’re not meant to live forever, but I can’t help arguing with God wondering why he has to take away those who can make us feel so damn incredible, even if it’s only for a short period of time.
So now I’m drowning myself in memories again. Listening to A Rush of Blood to the Head (Coldplay came on while we were at our Valentine’s dinner) and contemplating watching Hitch when I’m done with my virtually endless paper grading.
This isn’t my way of making myself sad, or making myself feel things I haven’t felt in so long. This is more like my way of sending a feeling out into the infinite abyss, a feeling of gratitude.
Thanks for the memories, Mr. Stunning.
[ http://kasey-fay.livejournal.com/2005/02/14/ ]