Thought of the day part twenty-four: growing up too fast
A few days ago I finished the awesome diary that I got from Collin on my 19th birthday. It is pretty thick, and I have to say that if it weren't for such extremely personal stories and so many secrets, I would seriously consider having it published. I think some of my best writing is in there. It's so raw, so poetic, and so honest... but because of that, it took me forever to finish.
I felt like the beginning of me writing in my diary was the beginning of everything with Collin, and as time progressed my journal seemed to match that of a real life novel, that was unfolding before my eyes. Let me try to explain this a little better. I would often write about what was going on with Collin and me in the journal (good, bad, incredible, or otherwise), and began to realize that as I came closer to the end, and the amount of pages were drastically decreasing, the same was happening with our relationship.
We broke up last year in August, but were back and forth in and out of touch with each other (in relationship-y ways) since then. Because I was so attached to him I became more superstitious about the parallel between how much was left of the journal, and how much was left of Collin and Kasey. I was actually afraid to write in it, because if I ran out of pages I thought I would lose him. And thinking that made me a little upset.
I was so proud of what I had written in my journal, and it obviously did not always have to do with him, he just played a major role (much like the one he played in my life for that time). I did not want my diary (and therefore my life during that time) to only be the story of Collin and Kasey. It was intended to be the story of me. Just me.
So I got brave, and during the past few weeks I have picked up the diary several times to write down my thoughts and some minor yet important events that have occurred. My life has changed so much since I began writing in that journal, and I love having a record of it. Whenever I write in it I think about how some day someone will come along and read it, and they will know me, and understand exactly who I am. My writings are constant memories that I will keep with me, to remind myself of where I came from and how far I have traveled since then. It is also to help remind me of how I have begun to truly discover who I am, and to love myself for it.
So, I took deep breaths, and I finished the diary. I placed the ribbon bookmark back at the very first page and closed it, feeling closure at the same time.
The last few entries, were not about Collin. They were about me. And that's all that mattered.
I'll let you know if I go crazy and get it published ;)
I felt like the beginning of me writing in my diary was the beginning of everything with Collin, and as time progressed my journal seemed to match that of a real life novel, that was unfolding before my eyes. Let me try to explain this a little better. I would often write about what was going on with Collin and me in the journal (good, bad, incredible, or otherwise), and began to realize that as I came closer to the end, and the amount of pages were drastically decreasing, the same was happening with our relationship.
We broke up last year in August, but were back and forth in and out of touch with each other (in relationship-y ways) since then. Because I was so attached to him I became more superstitious about the parallel between how much was left of the journal, and how much was left of Collin and Kasey. I was actually afraid to write in it, because if I ran out of pages I thought I would lose him. And thinking that made me a little upset.
I was so proud of what I had written in my journal, and it obviously did not always have to do with him, he just played a major role (much like the one he played in my life for that time). I did not want my diary (and therefore my life during that time) to only be the story of Collin and Kasey. It was intended to be the story of me. Just me.
So I got brave, and during the past few weeks I have picked up the diary several times to write down my thoughts and some minor yet important events that have occurred. My life has changed so much since I began writing in that journal, and I love having a record of it. Whenever I write in it I think about how some day someone will come along and read it, and they will know me, and understand exactly who I am. My writings are constant memories that I will keep with me, to remind myself of where I came from and how far I have traveled since then. It is also to help remind me of how I have begun to truly discover who I am, and to love myself for it.
So, I took deep breaths, and I finished the diary. I placed the ribbon bookmark back at the very first page and closed it, feeling closure at the same time.
The last few entries, were not about Collin. They were about me. And that's all that mattered.
I'll let you know if I go crazy and get it published ;)