Love Reflections
Thus far in my life I have fallen in love with two people. There are striking similarities to how they ended, but they were very different in how the relationships lived. Tonight, I'm focusing on the latest one. I found such incredible fulfillment with her - taking care of her, listening to her, feeling her, loving her. But it wasn't a typical relationship love. Our dynamic tended to be much more me doing things for her and taking care of her, and her being grateful, and snuggling into my arms. And it was there that I felt the greatest love I'd ever felt for someone.
I've been a caretaker ever since I was a child. I took care of pretty much all the females in my family - my 2 sisters and yes, to an extent, even my mom. So it's no wonder that this situation is where I feel my greatest love.
I cried again tonight, experiencing the loss of us all over again. But this time was slightly different. Before, it was about me losing my little girl. This time it seemed to be more about letting go of making sure she had a good life that I could give her. All mixed up were these feelings of sorrow about how I could have taken care of her health, could have taken care of her food, could have kept her comfortable so she could have a chance to be happy.
And then the thoughts changed. They changed to things like: "Do you really think she couldn't ever do that herself? And what was that feeling, really, when she gratefully curled herself into your arms? Was it Pride? Was it pride from hero worship?"
I've come to realize that I actually am a fairly prideful person. I take pride in my appearance, my physicality, my intellect, and my ability to make money. Taking someone out on a date, I can either be construed as putting my best foot forward, or showing off. I'm not quite sure which it is.
But that question of hero worship kind of hit home for me. I suppose that's what I had when I was growing up from my 10-year-younger sister.