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That pretty much sums up how i feel. I tried talking to josh about what he wants to do and it's pretty much the same as it was 2 weeks ago. I give him everything and in the end i still end up alone. that's how it's been my whole like though. i give everything and get nothing. i'm sick of this shit. i am so sick of life right now. i am so ready to just give up. apparently it'sn ot about what i watn.. which i understand to an extent. I've been trying so hard, and he'll even admit it. but he says that i'll just go back to my same ways in 2 weeks. no i won't. i know what i've done. i know what i have to fix. i'm a good person and i just wish he would see that. i've done more for him than nayone else would have and this is what happens. this is why i become a bitch. because no one appreciates me or antyihing that i do. i'm tired of hurting i'm tired of this drama. i just want to be with him and for this to be all over with. but that's not going to happen because that'sn o what he wants. he just wants to be by himself. so these last 31/2 years have been a waste of my time. all the the effort that i've put forth .. just a waste of time. making sure he got to come home every weekend, a waste of my time. every little thing that i've ever done for him has just been a waste of time. this st upid house .. my job... giving up school... i could be done with school. everything i did for him and now i have nothing. i hate everything that i do. i hate who i am... i hate being alive... i just hate everything right now. I'm so sick of this shit happening to me. am i that bad of a person? everyone at works thinks i'm a good person.. and i treat them the same way i do everyone else. i'm tired of hurting.. it's sad when i lay in bed at night thinking of the least painful way to kill myself... it's sad.. but it's true. I don't like going through this pain.. i know noone does.. but i can't tolerate anymore pain. i just want it to be overwith.. and when the love of your life doesn't want to be with you then the pain isn't gong to heal. they say all hurt heals in time.. well hurt can't heal when it's the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.