if there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I'll follow you into the dark.
In Kansas City. Today's been pretty hard.
A couple of months ago, my grandma had a couple of minor strokes that affected her overall coherence and mental state. She's been mostly in a nursing home since then, but a few days ago her blood pressure dropped suddenly and apparently my mom's brothers thought she was on her way out. But she bounced back up as best she could, and we visited her in the hospital today.
My aunt said her attention span is supposedly 7 seconds, but we managed to hold it longer than that sometimes. She was maybe 50% lucid, and apparently this is one of the most lucid days she's had in some time. Sometimes she'd recognize us, other times she'd ask questions about family members who've been dead for years, and other times it would just be completely nonsensical. Most heartbreaking were her moments of near-complete lucidity where she would just say how miserable she is, how much she hates being there, how unfair this is to her, how much she wants to go home. I can't even handle how much it makes my heart hurt. When my Mom asked her "Aren't you happy Elizabeth is here?" I imagine all that processed with her was "aren't you happy" and she just answered "No, I'm not happy at all."
It's a strange thing to be preparing myself to lose my two remaining grandparents this year. And probably sooner rather than later.
But then... for minds to go before bodies are ready is so difficult.
I don't feel like my grandfather is in that nursing home in Connecticut. My grandfather left this world when his wife died a year and a half ago, after he pleaded for her to stay because she promised he could go first. Her body went before her mind was ready, and as a result his mind gave up. He's been on such a decline since then, Parkinson's is so tough on him and half the time he thinks the nursing home is a cruise ship like he and my grandma used to travel the world on. When he goes, how am I supposed to be sad? I don't know if he remembers consciously how to miss Elaine but she took so much of him when she left that when he goes too, I feel like only then will he be whole again. I would never wish for his condition to accelerate, but I do just want him to be happy again.
And Berniece. Before her strokes, for years she's had nothing to say for this world except that she doesn't like it anymore. She's been sick of living for years but her body, turning 95 on January 1st, hasn't let her leave yet, much to her dismay. She's completely miserable and has been for a long time, and tonight in her nonsensical babble kept asking us why they were putting her in jail, who was going to put up bail for her, what she did that was so wrong. She's in pain from the leg she broke last year that she recently re-injured, but half the time thinks everyone's lying to her and there's nothing wrong with her leg. She just doesn't want to be here anymore, and my grandmother as I knew her isn't anymore. I still love her now as she is and it's going to be so hard to lose her, but how will I mourn someone who's wanted to bust out of this joint for years now? Like Grandpa Joe, I just want her to be happy again but I don't know that this world has any more happiness to offer her if she's been so unable to find it for so long.
It's given me so much to think about. That, and being away from sugar_and_synth for more than a couple days for the first time since we moved in together. I learned that I don't sleep well alone anymore. I barely sleep. I don't want to have to sleep alone. Anymore. Ever again. Whatever.
I hope that by the time my life is nearing its end, there is a humane way to end one's story. I hope that when I've lived a full and wonderful life and I feel that my body or my mind is starting to wear down on me, I can say "I've done all I want to do, and I'm ready." And I hope, even if you think it's ridiculous to hope this as a 21-year-old romantic, I honestly, truly hope that she's next to me, ready for the same thing. And I hope that, among family and friends and loved ones who will never have to see our bodies suffer or our minds leave us, that I can hold her hand and we can go together.
It seems I've reclaimed this song. I haven't been able to listen to it in a long time. A relief; it's helping a lot right now.
A couple of months ago, my grandma had a couple of minor strokes that affected her overall coherence and mental state. She's been mostly in a nursing home since then, but a few days ago her blood pressure dropped suddenly and apparently my mom's brothers thought she was on her way out. But she bounced back up as best she could, and we visited her in the hospital today.
My aunt said her attention span is supposedly 7 seconds, but we managed to hold it longer than that sometimes. She was maybe 50% lucid, and apparently this is one of the most lucid days she's had in some time. Sometimes she'd recognize us, other times she'd ask questions about family members who've been dead for years, and other times it would just be completely nonsensical. Most heartbreaking were her moments of near-complete lucidity where she would just say how miserable she is, how much she hates being there, how unfair this is to her, how much she wants to go home. I can't even handle how much it makes my heart hurt. When my Mom asked her "Aren't you happy Elizabeth is here?" I imagine all that processed with her was "aren't you happy" and she just answered "No, I'm not happy at all."
It's a strange thing to be preparing myself to lose my two remaining grandparents this year. And probably sooner rather than later.
But then... for minds to go before bodies are ready is so difficult.
I don't feel like my grandfather is in that nursing home in Connecticut. My grandfather left this world when his wife died a year and a half ago, after he pleaded for her to stay because she promised he could go first. Her body went before her mind was ready, and as a result his mind gave up. He's been on such a decline since then, Parkinson's is so tough on him and half the time he thinks the nursing home is a cruise ship like he and my grandma used to travel the world on. When he goes, how am I supposed to be sad? I don't know if he remembers consciously how to miss Elaine but she took so much of him when she left that when he goes too, I feel like only then will he be whole again. I would never wish for his condition to accelerate, but I do just want him to be happy again.
And Berniece. Before her strokes, for years she's had nothing to say for this world except that she doesn't like it anymore. She's been sick of living for years but her body, turning 95 on January 1st, hasn't let her leave yet, much to her dismay. She's completely miserable and has been for a long time, and tonight in her nonsensical babble kept asking us why they were putting her in jail, who was going to put up bail for her, what she did that was so wrong. She's in pain from the leg she broke last year that she recently re-injured, but half the time thinks everyone's lying to her and there's nothing wrong with her leg. She just doesn't want to be here anymore, and my grandmother as I knew her isn't anymore. I still love her now as she is and it's going to be so hard to lose her, but how will I mourn someone who's wanted to bust out of this joint for years now? Like Grandpa Joe, I just want her to be happy again but I don't know that this world has any more happiness to offer her if she's been so unable to find it for so long.
It's given me so much to think about. That, and being away from sugar_and_synth for more than a couple days for the first time since we moved in together. I learned that I don't sleep well alone anymore. I barely sleep. I don't want to have to sleep alone. Anymore. Ever again. Whatever.
I hope that by the time my life is nearing its end, there is a humane way to end one's story. I hope that when I've lived a full and wonderful life and I feel that my body or my mind is starting to wear down on me, I can say "I've done all I want to do, and I'm ready." And I hope, even if you think it's ridiculous to hope this as a 21-year-old romantic, I honestly, truly hope that she's next to me, ready for the same thing. And I hope that, among family and friends and loved ones who will never have to see our bodies suffer or our minds leave us, that I can hold her hand and we can go together.
It seems I've reclaimed this song. I haven't been able to listen to it in a long time. A relief; it's helping a lot right now.