seriously lesbians were the worst idea ever. who came up with that.
I was working on a schedule of my life for the next month and a half earlier but I don't really feel like finishing it right now. I'll work on it tomorrow.
Finally had the talk I needed to have with someone, and it was concluded that we are better off as friends. I wish I hadn't been such an avoidant jerk about the whole thing, this could have been cleared up a while ago. Phones + confrontation + me hurting someone = me proverbially shitting my pants and being unable to like, function. I'm a little retarded. Anyway it's a load off my mind and I think our friendship will only get better from here. ♥
Kayla was in a car accident on Saturday. I hate myself for not being better at calling people regularly. I even thought today "hey I haven't talked to Kayla since Friday, I wonder why she hasn't called, I should call her." She was in the hospital unconscious for a day and a half, good job Liz. Jesus christ, though.. apparently a van hit her friend's car when they were going through a yellow light. They're all okay. I don't know how that girl manages to get hurt so often and walk away from it every time.. god. I don't like being stuck down here. I'd like to be able to go up to MA and take care of her and make her smile. I'm going to go up next chance I get. I'll take the Chinabus, it's cheap. I hate feeling helpless and that's how I feel right now, knowing I could make her feel better just by being there. Augh.
Life is still odd. Not bad-odd, just odd-odd. I still feel like I'm coasting. Like "oh hey alright these things are happening with little effort and little control on my part, I'm just going to roll with it." Which should be relieving but it's actually terrifying because I'm a bit paranoid that things are going too well and something bad will happen. I can't believe Kayla was in a car accident and is fine. I feel like too many lucky things are happening and I'm afraid of finding out what's going to happen when this string of good luck ends.
I need to not think about it too much.
I also need to not focus too much on other people caring about me at a time where I'm still like, kind of emotionally unavailable. I shouldn't feel guilty about having to turn people down, but I do. Especially when they're really awesome people that I care about. As someone who has spent most of her life falling for people and remaining unrequited, I get how much it sucks. And having to do that to friends I care about is just like.. I hate it. And I wonder if years from now I'm going to regret being so emotionally unavailable and passing up potentially good things. But I just can't right now. Too much of me is still healing, too much of me is in another place, too much of me is busy with other things. But dammit, I hate hurting people. I hate doing what was done to me so many times to anyone else. I don't know. I can't blame myself. It happens, right?
I work tomorrow and Wednesday and Friday and Saturday. Hoooo boy what a week. At least the paycheck will be nice. And on the bright side of everything, I'm going to go fabric shopping and bubble tea-ing with scootkadoot in the city on Sunday, which should be really nice. ♥
This entry is a jumbled mess of thoughts and negativity. I'll be fine tomorrow. Here, have a really fucking adorable cat that rather looks like my Tiger baby to make up for it. I am going to sleep now.
Finally had the talk I needed to have with someone, and it was concluded that we are better off as friends. I wish I hadn't been such an avoidant jerk about the whole thing, this could have been cleared up a while ago. Phones + confrontation + me hurting someone = me proverbially shitting my pants and being unable to like, function. I'm a little retarded. Anyway it's a load off my mind and I think our friendship will only get better from here. ♥
Kayla was in a car accident on Saturday. I hate myself for not being better at calling people regularly. I even thought today "hey I haven't talked to Kayla since Friday, I wonder why she hasn't called, I should call her." She was in the hospital unconscious for a day and a half, good job Liz. Jesus christ, though.. apparently a van hit her friend's car when they were going through a yellow light. They're all okay. I don't know how that girl manages to get hurt so often and walk away from it every time.. god. I don't like being stuck down here. I'd like to be able to go up to MA and take care of her and make her smile. I'm going to go up next chance I get. I'll take the Chinabus, it's cheap. I hate feeling helpless and that's how I feel right now, knowing I could make her feel better just by being there. Augh.
Life is still odd. Not bad-odd, just odd-odd. I still feel like I'm coasting. Like "oh hey alright these things are happening with little effort and little control on my part, I'm just going to roll with it." Which should be relieving but it's actually terrifying because I'm a bit paranoid that things are going too well and something bad will happen. I can't believe Kayla was in a car accident and is fine. I feel like too many lucky things are happening and I'm afraid of finding out what's going to happen when this string of good luck ends.
I need to not think about it too much.
I also need to not focus too much on other people caring about me at a time where I'm still like, kind of emotionally unavailable. I shouldn't feel guilty about having to turn people down, but I do. Especially when they're really awesome people that I care about. As someone who has spent most of her life falling for people and remaining unrequited, I get how much it sucks. And having to do that to friends I care about is just like.. I hate it. And I wonder if years from now I'm going to regret being so emotionally unavailable and passing up potentially good things. But I just can't right now. Too much of me is still healing, too much of me is in another place, too much of me is busy with other things. But dammit, I hate hurting people. I hate doing what was done to me so many times to anyone else. I don't know. I can't blame myself. It happens, right?
I work tomorrow and Wednesday and Friday and Saturday. Hoooo boy what a week. At least the paycheck will be nice. And on the bright side of everything, I'm going to go fabric shopping and bubble tea-ing with scootkadoot in the city on Sunday, which should be really nice. ♥
This entry is a jumbled mess of thoughts and negativity. I'll be fine tomorrow. Here, have a really fucking adorable cat that rather looks like my Tiger baby to make up for it. I am going to sleep now.
