(no subject)
~after dipping into old journal entries, there are some things id like to say. i want to willfully admit to things i dont like that i have done in the past...that i dont want to do anymore. i put way too much care into what people think. this time with family has definitely helped with that...i used to say things, put them out there, hoping someone specific would see them, and get my message. but all my hints were clearly not enough, because austin never started loving me or understood what was going on, rachel never knew how afraid i was of her at that time, and no one was going to love me for what i said. when i wanted someone to care, id post an entry, or if i just wanted to be noticed, id do something, because i wanted someone to notice i was alive. i needed that attention. not the (look at me) attention, but just acknowledgement...to know i wasnt alone. it was very sad. id do bad things, fake some illnesses, say things i didnt mean, make things up, speak stupid small lies to initiate conversation...because i thought that made me important, someone interesting worth talking to. but it really didnt. all it did was stunt me, and stunt me bad for a year or so. i should have just come out and say what it was, exactly how it was. but of course, i didnt know at the time. and i cant regret it, because of what i know now, how ive learned. austin will always haunt me. ill always think of him when i see random unimportant things like poetry or standup comedy or regina spektor or my chemical romance...or hear "hello moto" cell phone ring, the list goes on. that doesnt make me crazy, it makes me human. i hope im never for someone what he was(is) for me. i hope no one ever has to learn the way i did. i still have to calm down sometimes when i think of people in my life, mainly him who just never cared or loved me, i still dont understand why. but its been two years since i was in love, one and a half since i grieved for that lost love, and ive realized that it was something normal, a part of my life that has changed me, and shaped me, helped me learn more than any other experience in my life. i want to learn to not wish for more wall posts from old friends, from people i dont know intimately. i want to learn to not want to be someone who gets attention, haha...ill never be the popular one, ill always be the awkward one, and i want to love that part of me more.~
~occasionally i ache for old things, like sharing a bed with austin, sharing meals with blake and obie at paty, talking late into the night with val, watching hedwig with stephen, babysitting posche for stacy and seth. my college timeline was so stuffed with life altering moments:
july04-december04 was eye opening. i got my first college callback, and met dawn, met stephen williams, saracatherine, stephen tyler davis, allison wilkes. i was in my first college acting class with sonequa and taylor and rachel. i know now people hated me and thought i was crazy this new girl coming in as a freshman and getting called back. it did wonders for my self esteem though, which i needed at that time. i was sad, and it taught me to be independant.
january05-august05 i found my friends, all because of st. if he hadnt been my angel and introduced everything to me, i would have never found myself at college. i would have never met stacy, whom i still love, despite everything. i met vallerie in opera class and she changed my life forever for the better. im a better more conscious person because of her. i met stephanie in the craziest, nuttiest show of all time. i met alicia, and jason, and steve ray, and gaye. these wonderful people.
august 05-december 05 held another show for me, more learning from raphe, experiencing allison wilkes' love torments and funny stories of the jungle and circus. boy, that was the golden semester. i started pledging, i really became close to blake, glued myself to him as a friend, learned confidence and love from him, i dont think id ever known such a best friend, someone i was so in awe of in every way. i loved supporting him through that semester, being by his side, probably annoyingly, haha. i met him through rachel, who allowed me to come out to myself, realize who i truly was, which is something truly invaluable, something ill never forget. at the christmas spectacular, i met who would be, the great love of my life. we hugged when i was delirious from lack of sleep. i remember laughing so hard i nearly peed...during that show. the second 11pm show was an extra hour longer because the audience couldnt stop laughing and the actors couldnt say their lines..."im the butt!!!" and allison moy and kristen, sweet kristen keeping me awake to be the asm. i didnt know the description of asm, until i stood in for sonequa and played major barbara for one night. i acted my sould out and my butt off, and kissed thomas azar with all my heart because i knew it was the only time i ever would get to, hahaha...
january 06-may06 i was floating on air. with the exception of the week of my car wreck...but the week before, i fell in love so, having him around made it not so bad, haha. two gents was rough and crazy but i survived. fell in love with stephanie, knew i wanted her to be my friend forever. i went to sanantonio with obie, to see blake at six flags, and was "dating" two people, austin and chela...both which i had strong feelings for...blake joked that i was a player:) but i only stuck with one. obie and i cried the whole way back because we missed blake so bad. he was such an achingly close friend. austin moved in, mostly because he didnt want to be in the dorm, understandably so.
summer of 06...the summer apart from him was rough. but we were in contact most every day through instant messager...it was a joyous summer of laughter i didnt think i had in me. i never knew such a carefree beautiful spirit, so smart, so affectionate. i found myself at the vogue room more than once, escaping there when i couldnt sleep, talking to my best friend about everything, making cupcakes and watching oprah and six feet under.
august06-december06...threepenny opera semester, i actually felt a little robbed. it taught me to understand and accept casting. i enrolled in seths shakespeare class, at his request...i wonder what would have happened if i said no when he walked down the hall, and said "kas, youre taking my shakespeare class, arent you?" gosh...taking that class while in love shaped how i feel about shakespeare. i highly recommend it to anyone. so much of shakespeare is love, sex, and grief, and i experienced all three with austin...shakespeare gave me life and a way of understanding those three things.
january 07-may07... romeo and juliet consumed my life. that christmas was the best i think of my life, all i got to do was research the role, and be consumed by it. THAT WAS THE BEST SIX MONTHS OF MY LIFE. to be in that show, while madly in love, talking about it every day with that person, learning suitcases full of art every night, spending hours with my best friends. ill never find that glow again.
summer of 07 came changes big, loss of a lot of communication. austin got his own place with best friends. august 07-december 07. i experienced the lowest point of my life. the semester is a blurr...with no show and failing classes...honestly, all i remember is the grief, abandonment, and confusion i felt. i understand it now, but then, i would not be alive were it not for vallerie, stephen, stephanie, sonequa, and stacy.
january08-july 08 began a lot of healing, a lot of communication, a lot of dependancy and learning. realizing that austin never loved me in the first place, and learning that my failure to communicate that i was in love with him doomed me (though i will never know or understand how he couldnt tell or why he never said no, haha)into the woods taught me how bad some people are, how evil people really can be...i learned how to say no. i became healed through seths directing.
august08-december08 was when i think i finally grew up. i detached from the carefree loving innocent blind soul i had been and really matured into a woman i feel. i learned i couldnt be in college anymore, and it was really time for me to be gone from the university. wild party was a dream come true, after being introduced to it by stephen and kyle at the beach in the summer of 05. it helped me realize the direction i needed to go.
january 09-may09 a lot of goodbyes. preparation for showcase, another beautiful week of my life, where i learned my city, where i belong. i said goodbye to college and hello to the real world. i had my last real performance, i left myself and my soul on the allen bales stage, and a big piece of it is still there, and will always be there. i danced my heart out with those wonderful people.
may09-now...two paying theatre jobs, the worst and best theatre experience...one theatre company opened doors for me in la, that i never would have if it werent for these past five years. a stroke brought me to family, and ive been sacrificing myself ever since. it was and still is a humbling time, and ill be grateful for the time im on my own, and can start another five years of memories ill look back on with fondness, like i do my college years. the people ive known, kissed, hugged, acted with.
i miss and always will miss dawn and her laughing face. i miss seeing her and alicia and wayne and taylor and jason and sonequa together, seeing them be silly. she always had encouraging loving words for me when i was down. i wish i had told her more how much i loved her.
i miss and always will miss robynne. sometime in my college life we were in love, though i cant remember which time it was, it was a time imprinted on my mind, a time of sheer peace and love in myself, together with her. kissing on top of my car at our secret place, staying up all night, making love, watching tv, talking in bed or in her house.
i miss and always will miss adam, his kiss, sitting in the wal mart parking lot, going to the beach and escaping. ALMOST making love on the beach, haha...hiding under a blanket, under the dock next to the gulf. his eyes, his piano, playing and singing with him all hours of the night when neither of us could sleep. i knew when i fell for him that cancers would always be my weekness.
i miss and always will miss austin. his serious face that just meant he was relaxed. learning spooning as an olympic sport with him, watching movies for the first time with him. (insert fact here) for the first time with him, making him cry every night in rude mechanicals, holding him when he cried...that night when alison had hurt him so bad there was nothing else to see in her. running my fingers through his hair and massaging his back to help him sleep. having him step over me to get in the shower every morning. listening to him talk about forensics, how good he was at what he loves to do. the respect for him and how he took care of himself. his giving himself away eyes, and perfect lips, which i would not take back one kiss. he was the love of my life.
i miss and will always miss julia and jere, and seeing their friendship in raphes class, envying it at first and then being happy that there were true friends out there, and knowing i wanted to be that for someone someday.
i miss and will always miss rachel. sweet rachel and her spirit. harsh but sacrificing, purely her. unashamed of who she is, brave in what she does, uncensored in her feelings. ill miss her drawing on my face, the hugs in sommerville, laughing with sonequa, learning that i was worth loving when i was with her. learning it was not wrong to love a woman. seeing that she was beautiful, and it made me feel beautiful to be with her...i could tell her anything and she never judged me. i wish i had appreciated her more and told her what she meant to me, how i really felt.
i dont know if ill see these people again. but theyve imprinted me for good. and their memory will stay with me forever.
~occasionally i ache for old things, like sharing a bed with austin, sharing meals with blake and obie at paty, talking late into the night with val, watching hedwig with stephen, babysitting posche for stacy and seth. my college timeline was so stuffed with life altering moments:
july04-december04 was eye opening. i got my first college callback, and met dawn, met stephen williams, saracatherine, stephen tyler davis, allison wilkes. i was in my first college acting class with sonequa and taylor and rachel. i know now people hated me and thought i was crazy this new girl coming in as a freshman and getting called back. it did wonders for my self esteem though, which i needed at that time. i was sad, and it taught me to be independant.
january05-august05 i found my friends, all because of st. if he hadnt been my angel and introduced everything to me, i would have never found myself at college. i would have never met stacy, whom i still love, despite everything. i met vallerie in opera class and she changed my life forever for the better. im a better more conscious person because of her. i met stephanie in the craziest, nuttiest show of all time. i met alicia, and jason, and steve ray, and gaye. these wonderful people.
august 05-december 05 held another show for me, more learning from raphe, experiencing allison wilkes' love torments and funny stories of the jungle and circus. boy, that was the golden semester. i started pledging, i really became close to blake, glued myself to him as a friend, learned confidence and love from him, i dont think id ever known such a best friend, someone i was so in awe of in every way. i loved supporting him through that semester, being by his side, probably annoyingly, haha. i met him through rachel, who allowed me to come out to myself, realize who i truly was, which is something truly invaluable, something ill never forget. at the christmas spectacular, i met who would be, the great love of my life. we hugged when i was delirious from lack of sleep. i remember laughing so hard i nearly peed...during that show. the second 11pm show was an extra hour longer because the audience couldnt stop laughing and the actors couldnt say their lines..."im the butt!!!" and allison moy and kristen, sweet kristen keeping me awake to be the asm. i didnt know the description of asm, until i stood in for sonequa and played major barbara for one night. i acted my sould out and my butt off, and kissed thomas azar with all my heart because i knew it was the only time i ever would get to, hahaha...
january 06-may06 i was floating on air. with the exception of the week of my car wreck...but the week before, i fell in love so, having him around made it not so bad, haha. two gents was rough and crazy but i survived. fell in love with stephanie, knew i wanted her to be my friend forever. i went to sanantonio with obie, to see blake at six flags, and was "dating" two people, austin and chela...both which i had strong feelings for...blake joked that i was a player:) but i only stuck with one. obie and i cried the whole way back because we missed blake so bad. he was such an achingly close friend. austin moved in, mostly because he didnt want to be in the dorm, understandably so.
summer of 06...the summer apart from him was rough. but we were in contact most every day through instant messager...it was a joyous summer of laughter i didnt think i had in me. i never knew such a carefree beautiful spirit, so smart, so affectionate. i found myself at the vogue room more than once, escaping there when i couldnt sleep, talking to my best friend about everything, making cupcakes and watching oprah and six feet under.
august06-december06...threepenny opera semester, i actually felt a little robbed. it taught me to understand and accept casting. i enrolled in seths shakespeare class, at his request...i wonder what would have happened if i said no when he walked down the hall, and said "kas, youre taking my shakespeare class, arent you?" gosh...taking that class while in love shaped how i feel about shakespeare. i highly recommend it to anyone. so much of shakespeare is love, sex, and grief, and i experienced all three with austin...shakespeare gave me life and a way of understanding those three things.
january 07-may07... romeo and juliet consumed my life. that christmas was the best i think of my life, all i got to do was research the role, and be consumed by it. THAT WAS THE BEST SIX MONTHS OF MY LIFE. to be in that show, while madly in love, talking about it every day with that person, learning suitcases full of art every night, spending hours with my best friends. ill never find that glow again.
summer of 07 came changes big, loss of a lot of communication. austin got his own place with best friends. august 07-december 07. i experienced the lowest point of my life. the semester is a blurr...with no show and failing classes...honestly, all i remember is the grief, abandonment, and confusion i felt. i understand it now, but then, i would not be alive were it not for vallerie, stephen, stephanie, sonequa, and stacy.
january08-july 08 began a lot of healing, a lot of communication, a lot of dependancy and learning. realizing that austin never loved me in the first place, and learning that my failure to communicate that i was in love with him doomed me (though i will never know or understand how he couldnt tell or why he never said no, haha)into the woods taught me how bad some people are, how evil people really can be...i learned how to say no. i became healed through seths directing.
august08-december08 was when i think i finally grew up. i detached from the carefree loving innocent blind soul i had been and really matured into a woman i feel. i learned i couldnt be in college anymore, and it was really time for me to be gone from the university. wild party was a dream come true, after being introduced to it by stephen and kyle at the beach in the summer of 05. it helped me realize the direction i needed to go.
january 09-may09 a lot of goodbyes. preparation for showcase, another beautiful week of my life, where i learned my city, where i belong. i said goodbye to college and hello to the real world. i had my last real performance, i left myself and my soul on the allen bales stage, and a big piece of it is still there, and will always be there. i danced my heart out with those wonderful people.
may09-now...two paying theatre jobs, the worst and best theatre experience...one theatre company opened doors for me in la, that i never would have if it werent for these past five years. a stroke brought me to family, and ive been sacrificing myself ever since. it was and still is a humbling time, and ill be grateful for the time im on my own, and can start another five years of memories ill look back on with fondness, like i do my college years. the people ive known, kissed, hugged, acted with.
i miss and always will miss dawn and her laughing face. i miss seeing her and alicia and wayne and taylor and jason and sonequa together, seeing them be silly. she always had encouraging loving words for me when i was down. i wish i had told her more how much i loved her.
i miss and always will miss robynne. sometime in my college life we were in love, though i cant remember which time it was, it was a time imprinted on my mind, a time of sheer peace and love in myself, together with her. kissing on top of my car at our secret place, staying up all night, making love, watching tv, talking in bed or in her house.
i miss and always will miss adam, his kiss, sitting in the wal mart parking lot, going to the beach and escaping. ALMOST making love on the beach, haha...hiding under a blanket, under the dock next to the gulf. his eyes, his piano, playing and singing with him all hours of the night when neither of us could sleep. i knew when i fell for him that cancers would always be my weekness.
i miss and always will miss austin. his serious face that just meant he was relaxed. learning spooning as an olympic sport with him, watching movies for the first time with him. (insert fact here) for the first time with him, making him cry every night in rude mechanicals, holding him when he cried...that night when alison had hurt him so bad there was nothing else to see in her. running my fingers through his hair and massaging his back to help him sleep. having him step over me to get in the shower every morning. listening to him talk about forensics, how good he was at what he loves to do. the respect for him and how he took care of himself. his giving himself away eyes, and perfect lips, which i would not take back one kiss. he was the love of my life.
i miss and will always miss julia and jere, and seeing their friendship in raphes class, envying it at first and then being happy that there were true friends out there, and knowing i wanted to be that for someone someday.
i miss and will always miss rachel. sweet rachel and her spirit. harsh but sacrificing, purely her. unashamed of who she is, brave in what she does, uncensored in her feelings. ill miss her drawing on my face, the hugs in sommerville, laughing with sonequa, learning that i was worth loving when i was with her. learning it was not wrong to love a woman. seeing that she was beautiful, and it made me feel beautiful to be with her...i could tell her anything and she never judged me. i wish i had appreciated her more and told her what she meant to me, how i really felt.
i dont know if ill see these people again. but theyve imprinted me for good. and their memory will stay with me forever.