Sarahs 3 am break down part 1..
So.. I've been looking through old emails of mine... reading through what people have sent me. I've also been crying pretty much the entire time. I have emails from Alistair from pretty much 1 year ago, just small little things that I remember lifted my heart up. Emails from Meika about her fondest memories of me (which REALLY got me bawling), emails from Crystal and Paul checking up on me when they knew I was having a particularly bad day.. emails from Jay with random links to frog articles and fact.. and pictures all designed to make me smile. Comments I'd saved from posts made what seems like a century ago, things to make me happy, smile.. little comments. Little "I love you" 's and hugs, emails with people being honest with me, "I need to talk" 's (way to end EVERY email withthat Paul =PP).. Everything. I do appreciate my friends, I try to every day.. but I don't appreciate you guys to the degree I should. Shit happens, but even through the worst shit, you stood by me and are still here. I have people coming up to me, upset because we've drifted, and they aren't sure why.
The fact is.. miss everyone. I miss Little Steff, I miss Eric and Jay and Cassy and Meika and Chris and Jared and Tyndall and all of the people I used to talk to and see and be close with. I miss my old friends, I miss the old memories.. and it KILLS me that through simply growing up I have seperated, grown apart and pushed away so many people. It hurts to look around my room and see pictures and gifts from people. I can't even put ona pair of socks without thinking of Meika, Laurie.. so many people. Fuck, Brit gave my a pair of underwear. I have clothes from people. I can't live without constant reminders of what I'm missing.
Please don't think it's easy. Please DON'T think that I go everyday without thinking about you. Everyday I intend on calling Meika. I still shop subconsciencely for Jay's grad gift, I can't even look at my foot without feeling my heart drop. I look through pictures and I feel like part of me's missing. Sana.. I miss her. But, she's part of a life and a part of me that I can barely remember.. one that I'm not sure I would even recognize now. I see grad pics of Eric and I and miss the days spent in his basement playing worms, watching countless movies and going outside and watching the clouds pass by. I think of the days where I used to colour Jared's hair.. and how much I miss doing it. Braiding Meika's hair. All my time with Brenna. Ryan when he was ten. My time with Tyndall when shit got really bad with his Dad.. how he used to come here just to sit and talk and just.. be. I miss Dyan. Part of me even misses Alyson. Always going out, constant talking, always something to do and somewhere to go. I miss Kat, her massages, our talks, her art. I miss Matt. I miss Jason. I miss how they both used to be there for me, and how I watched them tear each other apart. Chris and his nerdly music, cruising, his wonderful singing at the Limelight..
I miss my sister. I still call her that because that is where she is, frozen in time in my mind. My 13 year old big sister. I miss sitting on the couch, watching her play Zelda, reading through the walkthrough.. bitching for years about how we want seperate rooms then moving my matress into eachothers bedrooms as soon as we get them. The pokemon obsession. Bike riding, KD. The rap.. oh the rap.. the haircuts, the fights, the scars.. the times we cried to each other because that was all we had. I remember when she HATED Monique (one of her really good friends now.) all because of a boy. I remember her mean streak (you wonder where I get it from =P?), I remember stealing her clothes. I miss "The Shining".. I remember how we made SOO many characters, we lost track. My favorite was always Tao and hers was always Andy and Xylo. I remember her standing up for me when I got cornered by a bunch of bullies. I miss snow-forts and junk food. *sigh* I miss the only sister I ever had.
So many lives. So many worlds. All so seperate, even if they conjoin, meet, cross pathes.. no one is part of the other. I realize I can't have it all. I can't have everyone, life doesn't work that way. But I still love it. Each world, each life.. each memory. Please, don't think I've forgotten. Running in the rain, dying my bangs blue, waking up next to you, quizzing each other on pokemon... The talks, the small gifts, the memories.. the life each one gave me.. the part of me that was taken by each person.. and the small peice of themselves that they put back in to replace it. I have it. I love it. I treasure it.
I'm sorry. You are all amazing.
Thank you. Thank you for brightening my day. Thank you for caring. Thank you for bettering my life. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for helping to create me. I assure you, when I graduate, and eventually move.. you will all be the chapter in my life I will never truly seal. You will be the most re-read.. you will be the most treasured and the most missed part of my life.
/sappy post.
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