Fic: Major Epiphanies, Passing Fancy and Little Sh*ts (2/3)
Title: Major Epiphanies, Passing Fancy And Little Sh*ts (2/3)
Author: tomatoe18
Rating: R
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Eventually Dave Karofsky/Kurt Hummel, with canon pairings (especially Kurt Hummel/Blaine Anderson.) Dave/Noah Puckerman friendship. Hints of Blaine/Dave. A smidgen of Dave/OC and Dave/Nick Warbler.
Genre: Humor. Romance. Flangst.
Warnings: F-bombs. Possible OOC-ness. Did I say F-bombs? It's also possibly kind of crack-y.
Spoilers: All of Glee season 1 and 2. AU from the end of S2 but with possible S3 spoilers..
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of its characters. I also don't own any recognizable names or brands that make an appearance in this work of fanfiction. This fanfiction is not made for profit. | The phrase 'a "my dick is bigger than your dick" handshake' is borrowed from Scotty Cade's Treasure Of Love.
Summary: Dave changes his life after getting hit by a series of epiphanies on his first day of school, so now he's trying to get out of Narnia, get over Kurt Hummel and basically get himself sorted out. The road to college and happiness is as long and winded as his trains of thought. But whatever.
Author's note: This one is a lot more angst-ridden and serious (hence, a lot less hilarious) than the first. But I hope it's still crack-y! Last part coming soon, after I finish my Andy Serkis and Tom Hardy articles, and there may be an epilogue in the works. Thanks to everyone who reads this.
Previous parts: Part 1
*
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Dave doesn't even know what he's doing here.
Wait. Yes, he does. He knows why he's here. He has a stalker, that's why. An honest to god stalker. Stalkers actually, if you count Birdie and Rachel as well. But he can handle Birdie and Rachel. They're creepy but not really. They're so small that Dave doesn't even feel intimidated by their lurking around Dave's doorstep, trying to catch him and talk him into joining the glee club. Not even when they both started making nice with his parents and discussing with Paul Karofsky how glee club would be "the perfect environment for David to be in because he clearly needs a better outlet for his anger and it would look good on David's resume" while Dave sneaked himself out of the house through the backdoor and hid himself in Puck's house (in his sister's Sarah's room) until they both went away. No, Birdie and Rachel are not the problem.
It's Nick Warbler that's a problem for him. It's not just the way he calls Dave's phone incessantly and asks him out to play hockey together every half an hour. The real reason why Nick is freaking him out is... well. How the hell did Nick find out he was gay anyway?
Before he left for Pittsburgh, he briefly wondered if Fancy and Birdie blabbed to the Warbler dude about Dave's sexuality. Maybe they were hanging out together with Nick and it slipped out of one of their mouths that Dave was gay. But after he thought about it some more, he refused to believe that Fancy would do that to him. Birdie, maybe. They're not friends so anything's possible. But definitely not Fancy. And this is why he freaks out some more: maybe - just maybe - Nick found out about Dave because Dave was broadcasting some strong serious gay vibes in public.
That in itself is probably okay - he has resolved to follow through with Epiphany No. 1, which is to stop denying and hiding his sexuality - but he is so not ready to be gay and have an actual gay relationship. It's one thing to crush on Fancy and think about him when he jerks off (although he feels guilty about this), and also plan his future wedding with any guy who won't mind marrying his gay ass in the future... but it's another thing to go out on a date with a guy who's interested in him and whom Dave is interested in.
Not that Dave is interested in Nick Warbler. They have so fucking much in common that, if they ever date, it'll be like masturbating 24/7. Like, why would people date other people who are carbon copies of themselves? Have they never heard of "opposites attract"? Jeez.
And that's why when his mom mentions 'Pittsburgh', Dave finds himself saying yes. Her actual words were: "Joanne and her husband, Henry, invited us to stay in Pittsburgh for a few days after Christmas, Davey. You want to come along? Martin's going to be home and, who knows? Maybe you can hang out with him?" Translation: "Joanne and I have plotted to bring our sons together so we are going to Pittsburgh for a family holiday although it'll be difficult to get a flight in this period so you better get yourself a boyfriend out of this trip or else."
But that's where it gets really pointless. His mom can be as relentless as she wants, but Dave's pretty sure there's zero chance for him and Martin to ever be anything. The dude is seriously hot (he weighs 140, stands at 5'10", is blond haired, green eyed and soft lipped). He has great taste in music and movies and plays semi-pro tennis. He's got a rich baritone that can melt butter and Dave's pants under a minute. But.
He's just not Kurt Hummel.
Also, Martin has a 6'3" hulking giant of a boyfriend who could beat Dave into a pulp if he ever so much even thinks about considering to ask Martin out for a friendly coffee date at starbucks.
"Come and meet my boyfriend, Dave," Martin said that morning when he found Dave in the breakfast room, reading a brochure about student housing in UPenn. "You'll get along great with him. He went to UPenn, you could ask Gio a few questions."
His curiosity getting the better of him, Dave went along and met this Gio for coffee with Martin. When they arrived, Gio was already waiting. He took one look at Dave and offered his hand for a shake. Dave was scared that the older guy would crush his bone but he didn't want to appear like a pussy. So he clasped Gio's hand and was treated to a firm shake that Dave calls a "my dick is bigger than your dick, asshole" handshake. It takes every amount of willpower in Dave's entire being not to whimper in pain when Gio finally let go.
Now he's sitting here, in a small coffee shop in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, listening to Martin and Gio talk about their holiday plans that apparently involve one, celebrating New Year's with Gio's huge Italian family; two, having New Year's Day lunch with Martin's parents at Gio's uncle's restaurant; and three, spending the rest of the day in bed naked with each other. After both parties agree with the plans, they lean in toward each other and practically kiss the spit out of each other.
Dave shifts in his chair because his jeans are getting really tight but he doesn't begrudge them their happiness. They look and even sound like they're really happy together. Besides, Dave can't help but notice that Martin and Gio are prime examples of that phrase Dave loves so much: "opposites attract". So he's happy for them and thinks that Martin better hang on to this relationship because it doesn't look like it'll get any better than this.
"Hey, Dave," his older friend calls after he finishes getting his mouth fucked by his boyfriend's tongue.
"Yeah?"
"Gio has an apartment in Philly. He leases it. Are you set on UPenn? If yes, then you should consider rooming with someone there. It's really close to the campus."
Dave clears his throat and shifts again. "Uh, I'm not sure. I sent a few more applications."
Martin draws his eyebrows together. "Where to?"
"Cornell," Dave answers, "and Columbia."
Gio suddenly laughs. "Ambitious kid, aren't you? Why not Brown, Princeton and Darthmouth as well, man?" Then he sobers up. "But, look. What exactly is it that you want to study?"
"Law."
"Forget Cornell and Columbia. Go to Harvard, or here to UPenn. What's waiting for you in New York?"
My unrequited crush the size of a grapefuit.
Dave shrugs, though, because he's not about to say that to these sophisticated gay men sitting in front of him.
"Crush the size of a grapefruit?" Gio repeats in confusion. "What are you talking about?"
Dave's face drains of color. Did he say that out loud?! Fuck, fuck, fuck.
The look Martin gives him is answer enough and Dave wishes he was as tall as Arietty Clock from The Borrowers so he can drown himself in his cup of coffee because, shit. Awkward.
Before the embarrassment fully sets in, though, Martin reaches across the table for Dave's hand and clasps it tightly in his. Then, he squeezes and says, "Good luck, Dave. Just remember... it gets better."
There are a million things he can say in reply to Martin. Like "no, it won't. Kurt Hummel already hates my freaking guts." Or "Yeah, I think it will get better once I finally move out of Lima!" Or even a simple "Thanks, Martin".
But the one he finally settles for is the one he thinks Puck will say when situations get overly emotional for him. Dave says, "Goddamn it, Marty, stop sounding like a freaking Trevor Project video on YouTube."
At least it makes Gio laugh.
*
When he comes back to Lima a couple of days after New Year, he's genuinely worried to see Nick Warbler (or Rachel and Birdie) camped out in front of his house. Thankfully, his front lawn is blissfully clear of stalkers. He helps his parents unload their car and carry their bags upstairs. He helps himself to a bottle of Coke in the fridge and puts popcorn in the microwave. He got a couple of movies from Martin and Gio that they recommended and he wants to watch them now before he goes back to school. Before he even gets the popcorn bag out of the pantry, however, Puck walks into the kitchen.
Although surprised to see him, Dave greets him with a fist-bump and "Happy New Year!" anyway. Then he notices the grim look on the guy's face. Putting his snacks down, Dave asks him what happened that got him looking like his puppy died.
"Shit happened, that's what," Puck declares. "A genuine shitstorm blizzard."
"Whoa, man, back up. What's this about?"
When Puck says next is equal to a 9.3 Richter scale earthquake for Dave: "Kurt got gay bashed. He was ambushed in the mall a couple of days ago. He had to stay overnight at the hospital."
Outside, he hears the roar of the thunder. But when his parents run into the kitchen with panicked and worried expressions on their faces, Dave realizes that it wasn't thunder that he heard. It was the sound of his own voice. Roaring. Like goddamned Liam Neeson as Aslan in the Narnia flick.
"David, why are you yelling?" his dad demands. "Noah. What's wrong?"
"Sorry, sir," Puck says sheepishly. "I could've dropped the bomb better."
"What 'bomb'?" Paul asks, alarmed.
"It's Kurt Hummel, Mr. K. He got gay bashed over a couple of days ago. Got roughed up a little bit by the idiots."
"Unbelievable!" Dave's mom cries out. "Who did it, Noah?"
Puck shakes his head. "No idea. Kurt won't tell us."
Dave roars again. "WHAT? WHY?"
"I don't know. I don't live in your Fancy's head," Puck retorts, frustrated, "and he won't tell us either. He said he knew who attacked him but when I tried to get him talking, he clammed up. And I interrogated him until Burt threw me out of the house for upsetting him, but he's still keeping his mouth shut. Then Finn tried and Blaine tried and all the girls tried and he still won't say anything to us. I told him that how were the Bully Whips supposed to keep him safe if we don't even know who did it to him."
Something about that strikes Dave as suspicious. He doesn't know what but the situation reeks of all kinds of horse manure. Fancy doesn't usually hide stuff - that's what Dave does, not Kurt. He's so outspoken that sometimes Dave would just like to shove a soapbox under his feet and declare him the Harvey Milk of the New Millennium. He's supposed to be all about justice and gay equality and anti-hate crime and whatever else his rainbow-hugging mind is thinking at the moment. Why is he keeping quiet now when he's supposed to be reporting this shit to the police and have them make arrests? After all, when Dave was still a little shit who actively bullied him, Kurt managed to report his bullying so that Sue Sylvester expelled Dave's huge shitty bum out of McKinley.
Unless...
Oh.
Wow. Why didn't he see that before? Man, this is so fucking elementary he could do it in his sleep and still kick Sherlock's ass at boxing.
Dave shakes his head and slaps Puck on the chest, gesturing for his buddy to follow him out. "Come on, man, let's go see Kurt. We'll take my car - oh, by the way, bye, mom, dad, don't wait up - and go to his place and ask him again."
"What, you're, like, a mind reader now?" Puck asks, following Dave to his Impala. "'Cause I'm telling you, Deek, it's like talking to a freaking wall."
"Clearly, you have never seen me work my powers of persuasion," Dave scoffs. "Walls got to crumble at some point, especially when when you huff and puff long enough. So will Fancy."
Puck stares at him long and hard for a minute. Then: "Seriously? You're going to blow Fancy to give you the answer? That's your power of persuasion?"
Dave chokes on his breath as Puck opens the door and snickers. "Oh, man, I'd pay to see that. Burt Hummel's gonna shit bricks, Deek! This is going to be good. "
*
The first thing Dave thinks when he sees Kurt at the Lima Bean (they went to his house and was told by Finn's mom that Finn took KUrt out to cheer him up) is OUCH. When Puck said Fancy got "roughed up", he thought it was just a little bruise on the arm. What he didn't expect was Kurt's arm being in a fucking sling. The hell. And the fucker who did it hasn't been locked up yet? Fuck.
"There he is," Puck says, nodding at where Fancy is sitting.
Dave rolls his eyes. He's tempted to sarcastically thank Puck for pointing at the obvious - it's impossible to miss Kurt because he's sitting there, in the middle of a big group of his friends, being completely smothered in TLC by the best of them - but he's too tightly wound from the fact that Kurt was really hurt from a hate crime to even muster the energy to snark at his wingman. Jesus. This is fucking serious. Who could joke about this?
"Deek, you okay?" Puck nudges him. "You getting ready to blow him?"
Dave smacks his Mohawked had. "I'm not blowing him, Puckerman. Shut the fuck up already."
"And feel free to take the chill pill any moment now, Karofsky!"
Before he can answer, he hears a familiar chirp. "David!"
Hell, no. He didn't come here to deal with Birdie. He raises his hand to stop any kind of creepy little greeting that the creepy dude has in mind and barks, "Get out. I'm talking to Kurt alone."
"Oh, good. You're going to persuade him to talk, right?" Birdie replies breathlessly. He sounds completely relieved, completely oblivious and completely annoying. Did he eat a special brand of cereal that makes him impervious to the wrath of tall, barking and menacing football players with fists named Fury or something?
Luckily, Puck steps in. "Blaine. We got this. Leave it to us."
"Hey, no complaints from me. I'm just saying, it's great that David is finally here."
"Yeah, but you're kind of on our way. Move aside, man."
Dave doesn't even bother waiting for Blaine to get out of the way. He brushes past him and stalks to the table where Fancy is sitting at, cuddling with Rachel and Mercedes, while Finn and Sam are talking quietly to each other in hushed tones. As he gets closer to Kurt, Dave can see another evidence of the incident on Kurt's body and it makes him even angrier. There's a visible cut running from his left eye to his cheek. It makes him look kind of edgy and cool, though, instead of beat up and miserable. Then again, Dave has complete faith on Kurt's class and talent - he can rock any look, any time, any day. Some people are just born that way.
Taking a deep breath, Dave greets him. "Hey."
The conversation between them drops instantly and the four people surrounding Kurt stare at him in surprise. But when Kurt looks up, his only reaction is to widen his eyes in surprise when he sees Dave standing in front of the table. He sits up straighter and slightly pushes Rachel and Mercedes back to create more room for himself. Then he smiles a little and somewhat shyly says, "Hi. Didn't know you were back in town."
"Just got back," Dave replies gruffly. "You okay?"
"A little banged up," Kurt says, flicking a glance at his sling. "But mostly okay." He smiles again. "Thanks for asking."
Dave nods and lets himself bask in the glory of Kurt's smile for five seconds before scowling at the rest of Fancy's Admiration Society, particularly Finn. "And where were you when he was getting beat up by stupid bigoted assholes?"
"Watch your mouth, Karofsky!" Sam bristles and shoots to his feet. "You can't come in here and--"
But Finn has the grace to look guilty. "I was helping my mom with her shopping bags," he confesses. "I really shouldn't have left Kurt alone."
Logically, he knows it's none of Finn's fault that this happened. Stupid cow town people are stupid and that's that. But still… "Put that on a sign and glue it to your forehead, Hudson. Now get out of here. All of you. I need to talk to Kurt."
Nobody needs to be told twice. Rachel and Mercedes pat Kurt's shoulders and remove themselves from Kurt's sides. Sam flips Dave off but follows the girls without a word. Finn sends Dave a grateful and hopeful look before he, too, moves to another table with the others. When Dave turns around, he sees Puck and Birdie still standing where he left them before. They've stopped talking, though, and are now looking expectantly at Dave.
Dave pulls up a chair and sits in front of Kurt. He wastes no breath on further small talk because he knows he'll blubber like a baby in front of the very guy he's supposed to protect. It's no longer just Kurt's condition that's making him feel that way, though. He also wants to cry because it's clear to him now that he's not been able to keep Epiphany No. 2 and probably not going to be able to for a while. He can't get over Kurt Hummel. This is so fucked up he doesn't even know how he's going to get himself out of this fucking grave he's digging for himself.
But seriously. Right now he doesn't have time to explore the depth of his emotions. He needs to stop being a drama queen and be a fucking Bully Whip and carry out the justice Fancy deserves.
"So," he begins. "You know the guys who attacked you. Probably two guys, right?"
Kurt is silent. Dave thinks, fine. He's raring to go huff and puff anyway. "Okay, that's not important. I'm more concerned about who they are and not how many there are anyway. And I think I can find out who they are without you having to tell me, although you know this is gonna go down much faster if you just spill the beans. Since you're not going to do that, you're just gonna have to hear me talk. Anyway, the thing is, I already know that the guys who attack you are guys from McKinley."
There's a twitch on Kurt's right eye. It's barely noticeable but Dave's eyesight is fucking awesome and he's well versed in the art of Fancy Watching so he knows what he saw.
"You know how I know?" Dave smirks. "It's because those guys could have been me."
Strangely enough, this statement gets a verbal reaction from Fancy. "No! Even a fool knows you're not that guy anymore, David."
"Yeah, I know. I'm not that guy now but last year? Don't tell me you forgot how I pushed you into lockers, threatened you in front of your locker and called you names?" Yeah, Dave, just fucking remind yourself of your sins. You can do this - you'll be Masochist of the Century if you keep this up, come on! "I could've seriously hurt you. I could've probably killed you. And what did you do?"
Dave pauses and catches Fancy's gaze. The other boy's eyes are cloudy. Then Dave answers his own question. "Nothing. You did nothing."
Kurt's breath hitches. "I got you expelled and--"
"Your dad got me expelled," Dave corrects him. "If he didn't catch me making that wrist movement to you, I'd get away for making fun of you. And in the office, in front of my dad, you said nothing about my secret. About why that kiss in the locker room. You could've just told them, you know?"
Kurt shakes his head and his cloudy eyes begin to tear up. "I couldn't do that to you. And I still won't."
"I get that, Kurt. You knew what I stood to lose if you said anything about me. And even though you hate me, you still don't want me to get into trouble. That's just the kind of person you are."
"David, I--"
"So, really, it's not that hard for me to figure out that whoever attacked you in that mall is in the same position I was last year. They've got to be guys you know, guys who can either torment you further in school but guys you feel like you need to protect because if you report them to authorities, they'll lose everything they got." Dave draws his breath before continuing, "Maybe their home. Maybe their money. Or maybe it's something as simple as athletic scholarships. Colleges don't come cheap. These guys are probably counting on full rides."
He knows he's on the right track when Kurt's eye twitch again. Dave decides to bring on the big guns.
"Cooper and Johnson are likely suspects," Dave says, almost grinning when he sees yet another twitch. Score. "But, no. Cooper's good but his grades are not so there's no way he'll get any scholarship. Johnson's slightly better but he sucks at hockey. He's not gonna get any offers either. Actually, the entire hockey team suck big time, except for Saunders, Heller, A.J. and me. So forget hockey and let's move on to football."
He ticks off the ones he knows are on Team Fancy first. "Not Hudson, Evans, Abrams, Puckerman or Chang. I wasn't in town so I can't be a suspect. My boy Zee's in Cleveland for Christmas. Reeves? Good player with good grades from a good Christian family. He probably has a lot to lose if people find out he attacks guys in the mall. Then again, he's small, and you're bigger than him. He won't overpower you. Rashad? He's taller, bigger and stronger. He's going to go places, that one. Can't afford to lose that scholarship but I just don't see it in him to be hateful. Strando? He's big but a major crybaby. He likes romcoms and Jennifer Garner, which is disgusting--"
"Langenthal."
The name comes out so quietly that Dave almost doesn't catch it but he does. And he totally doesn't believe it.
"Phil Langenthal?" Dave whispers. "Really?"
Kurt is quietly sniffling now. Dave wants him to stop but he needs to hear the rest of it so he waits patiently until Kurt speaks again.
"He's just a little bit bigger than me, but he's strong. He's hated me ever since I took his place as kicker in the team in sophomore year. He hates the fact that Tanaka dropped him for 'the town fag' and that even Beiste doesn't favor him. He said, if you and Azimio hadn't started bullying me, he was going to do it himself. This senior year, he thought you were going to give me a hard time again but was disappointed when you suddenly turned over a new leaf and became a Bully Whip instead. Since then, he's been biding his time to get to me. And just before Christmas break, he overheard Beiste talking about bringing me back in as a kicker for your next game after winter break. That really set him off. When he saw me, he reacted."
"And he told you all this?"
Kurt laughs humorlessly through his tears. "Yes. In the way movie villain delivers a monologue before he kills the hero. Or, in my case, the 'faggy loser'. Then he puts his foot down on my shoulder and stomps on it."
Oh, he is dead. Phillip Langenthal is so fucking dead. He doesn't know it yet but he will once Dave gets his hands on him.
"But please don't do anything," Kurt begs him. Dave glares at him. Kurt glares right back. "You can't. I know you want to make things right and, trust me, saving me and my fabulous outfits from slushies is enough. You can't do anything to him, David. I don't want you getting into trouble."
"I'm not going to get into trouble." Really, he's not. There are ways to kill people and hide the body. Between him and Puck, they'll know what to do. First, though, they need a strategy meeting.
"Well, thanks for telling me, Fancy," Dave says, getting up from his seat. "You can rest assured Langenthal won't be a problem anymore. And don't worry your pretty little head about me getting into trouble. Just sit back, relax and enjoy the show."
Ignoring Kurt's high-pitched protests, Dave leaves him there to stew on his own. He nods at Puck and the other Bully Whipper gets up and waves goodbye to Birdie. The last thing he sees before exiting the coffee shop is Birdie hugging Fancy and planting a soft kiss on Fancy's bruised temples. He waits for the pain to hit...
...but it doesn't. Huh.
Feeling vindictive rage toward a homophobic sleazebag for hurting someone precious to him apparently obliterates any kind of jealousy and self-loathing for not being able to keep up with his epiphanies. It's a good thing, then, that McKinley is overpopulated with little shits like Langenthal because Dave is all for vindictive rages if it means he can stop mooning over Fancy. It's high time he stops because it's getting old, damn it.
*
Dave checks out WikiLeaks that night to see if there are any leaked documents on the CIA's methods of torture on POWs but he gets distracted before long by an email from the Bruins' assistant coach that tells him he's looking forward to see Dave play in the Titans' next match. He spends half an hour composing a professional-sounding reply that, five minutes afterwards, gets answered by a one-liner reply of "Great! See you!" Dumbass.
Since his email is already open, he decides to write to Martin and rants to him about bigotry and small town high school mentality and why it's important to him to follow Kurt Hummel to New York. Then he feels a soul-deep exhaustion for humanity and ends up falling asleep on his laptop in bed.
The next morning, he finds a reply from Gio.
Dave,
If this 'Fancy' doesn't know what a great guy you are, well screw him. He doesn't deserve you. If you end up in Columbia or Cornell instead of Harvard, he better be offering you his firstborn (either by surrogacy or adoption) and then some.
Don't just beat the shit out of the homophobic kicker, though. It won't teach him a lesson and you'll only be lowering yourself to his pathetic level. Here's a piece of unwanted advice (but it could work, since my buddies and I did it to our homophobic RA in our senior year): kidnap him, cuff him, lock him in the janitor's closet, and play him one Gaga song on loop until his ears bleed. He was never an asshole to any of us anymore.
Gio
PS. Have you watched the movies we gave you yet?
Five minutes later, he gets Puck on the phone. "Puckerman. You remember that time when we locked you in a port-a-potty for the whole night and you had to be rescued by Zizes, which results in her owning your balls now?"
"Fuck you, too, Dick." He hangs up on Dave.
What the fuck. Rude much? Scowling, Dave dials again and snaps, "Don't be an asshole, Puck. It's only eight in the morning. We've got the whole day ahead of us for you to be a dickwad."
"I don't care what time it is, I don't want to hear about port-a-potties and the wonderful times you had being the world's ugliest jerk back then. By the way, you owe me another spring break trip for that. I haven't forgiven you for that."
"But port-a-potties are perfect!"
"And you say I'm the insane one in this relationship?"
"How fast can you get here, dude? We've got a lot of planning to do."
"That depends. How fast can you make me breakfast?"
*
Langenthal kicks and screams as Dave, Puck, Finn and Zee (who doesn't care about what happened to Kurt but thinks Dave's idea of torture is fine so he wants in) kidnap him from his cushy two-story house in the very nice part of Lima. It's a neat little operation involving a borrowed truck, mechanic jumpsuits, ski masks, a Juicy Couture bandana, a roll of duct tape and a pair of furry handcuffs Finn got from Rachel (Dave doesn't even wanna know about it).
They break into school where Zizes is already waiting for them. They toss him, securely cuffed, inside a port-a-potty where she has previously installed a loud speaker in. Dave's about to close the door and begin the assault on Langenthal's ears when Puck stops him and asks, "Don't you have anything to say to him?"
Dave glances as the whining and crying loser inside the portable toilet and thinks of something to say. But he can't. He'd rather just spit on Phil's face or dislocate his shoulder like he did to Kurt and get the hell out of there. The bastard's not even worth wasting breath and a few words on. Then again, he supposes he should deliver a parting remark to drive home the fact that Langenthal's life is about to be over.
But the only thing that comes to mind is three little words that don't even't sound anywhere near clever or profound. It's the only thing Dave's got, though, so he says it anyway.
"It's Britney, bitch."
Then he slams the door, locks it from the outside, and hits the play button. From inside the compartment, "I'm A Slave 4 U" plays at top volume and will continue to do so for the rest of the night. Dave high fives his comrades and they walk back to their cars laughing their nasty vigilante asses off.
*
Continued in Part 3
Author: tomatoe18
Rating: R
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Eventually Dave Karofsky/Kurt Hummel, with canon pairings (especially Kurt Hummel/Blaine Anderson.) Dave/Noah Puckerman friendship. Hints of Blaine/Dave. A smidgen of Dave/OC and Dave/Nick Warbler.
Genre: Humor. Romance. Flangst.
Warnings: F-bombs. Possible OOC-ness. Did I say F-bombs? It's also possibly kind of crack-y.
Spoilers: All of Glee season 1 and 2. AU from the end of S2 but with possible S3 spoilers..
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of its characters. I also don't own any recognizable names or brands that make an appearance in this work of fanfiction. This fanfiction is not made for profit. | The phrase 'a "my dick is bigger than your dick" handshake' is borrowed from Scotty Cade's Treasure Of Love.
Summary: Dave changes his life after getting hit by a series of epiphanies on his first day of school, so now he's trying to get out of Narnia, get over Kurt Hummel and basically get himself sorted out. The road to college and happiness is as long and winded as his trains of thought. But whatever.
Author's note: This one is a lot more angst-ridden and serious (hence, a lot less hilarious) than the first. But I hope it's still crack-y! Last part coming soon, after I finish my Andy Serkis and Tom Hardy articles, and there may be an epilogue in the works. Thanks to everyone who reads this.
Previous parts: Part 1
*
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Dave doesn't even know what he's doing here.
Wait. Yes, he does. He knows why he's here. He has a stalker, that's why. An honest to god stalker. Stalkers actually, if you count Birdie and Rachel as well. But he can handle Birdie and Rachel. They're creepy but not really. They're so small that Dave doesn't even feel intimidated by their lurking around Dave's doorstep, trying to catch him and talk him into joining the glee club. Not even when they both started making nice with his parents and discussing with Paul Karofsky how glee club would be "the perfect environment for David to be in because he clearly needs a better outlet for his anger and it would look good on David's resume" while Dave sneaked himself out of the house through the backdoor and hid himself in Puck's house (in his sister's Sarah's room) until they both went away. No, Birdie and Rachel are not the problem.
It's Nick Warbler that's a problem for him. It's not just the way he calls Dave's phone incessantly and asks him out to play hockey together every half an hour. The real reason why Nick is freaking him out is... well. How the hell did Nick find out he was gay anyway?
Before he left for Pittsburgh, he briefly wondered if Fancy and Birdie blabbed to the Warbler dude about Dave's sexuality. Maybe they were hanging out together with Nick and it slipped out of one of their mouths that Dave was gay. But after he thought about it some more, he refused to believe that Fancy would do that to him. Birdie, maybe. They're not friends so anything's possible. But definitely not Fancy. And this is why he freaks out some more: maybe - just maybe - Nick found out about Dave because Dave was broadcasting some strong serious gay vibes in public.
That in itself is probably okay - he has resolved to follow through with Epiphany No. 1, which is to stop denying and hiding his sexuality - but he is so not ready to be gay and have an actual gay relationship. It's one thing to crush on Fancy and think about him when he jerks off (although he feels guilty about this), and also plan his future wedding with any guy who won't mind marrying his gay ass in the future... but it's another thing to go out on a date with a guy who's interested in him and whom Dave is interested in.
Not that Dave is interested in Nick Warbler. They have so fucking much in common that, if they ever date, it'll be like masturbating 24/7. Like, why would people date other people who are carbon copies of themselves? Have they never heard of "opposites attract"? Jeez.
And that's why when his mom mentions 'Pittsburgh', Dave finds himself saying yes. Her actual words were: "Joanne and her husband, Henry, invited us to stay in Pittsburgh for a few days after Christmas, Davey. You want to come along? Martin's going to be home and, who knows? Maybe you can hang out with him?" Translation: "Joanne and I have plotted to bring our sons together so we are going to Pittsburgh for a family holiday although it'll be difficult to get a flight in this period so you better get yourself a boyfriend out of this trip or else."
But that's where it gets really pointless. His mom can be as relentless as she wants, but Dave's pretty sure there's zero chance for him and Martin to ever be anything. The dude is seriously hot (he weighs 140, stands at 5'10", is blond haired, green eyed and soft lipped). He has great taste in music and movies and plays semi-pro tennis. He's got a rich baritone that can melt butter and Dave's pants under a minute. But.
He's just not Kurt Hummel.
Also, Martin has a 6'3" hulking giant of a boyfriend who could beat Dave into a pulp if he ever so much even thinks about considering to ask Martin out for a friendly coffee date at starbucks.
"Come and meet my boyfriend, Dave," Martin said that morning when he found Dave in the breakfast room, reading a brochure about student housing in UPenn. "You'll get along great with him. He went to UPenn, you could ask Gio a few questions."
His curiosity getting the better of him, Dave went along and met this Gio for coffee with Martin. When they arrived, Gio was already waiting. He took one look at Dave and offered his hand for a shake. Dave was scared that the older guy would crush his bone but he didn't want to appear like a pussy. So he clasped Gio's hand and was treated to a firm shake that Dave calls a "my dick is bigger than your dick, asshole" handshake. It takes every amount of willpower in Dave's entire being not to whimper in pain when Gio finally let go.
Now he's sitting here, in a small coffee shop in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, listening to Martin and Gio talk about their holiday plans that apparently involve one, celebrating New Year's with Gio's huge Italian family; two, having New Year's Day lunch with Martin's parents at Gio's uncle's restaurant; and three, spending the rest of the day in bed naked with each other. After both parties agree with the plans, they lean in toward each other and practically kiss the spit out of each other.
Dave shifts in his chair because his jeans are getting really tight but he doesn't begrudge them their happiness. They look and even sound like they're really happy together. Besides, Dave can't help but notice that Martin and Gio are prime examples of that phrase Dave loves so much: "opposites attract". So he's happy for them and thinks that Martin better hang on to this relationship because it doesn't look like it'll get any better than this.
"Hey, Dave," his older friend calls after he finishes getting his mouth fucked by his boyfriend's tongue.
"Yeah?"
"Gio has an apartment in Philly. He leases it. Are you set on UPenn? If yes, then you should consider rooming with someone there. It's really close to the campus."
Dave clears his throat and shifts again. "Uh, I'm not sure. I sent a few more applications."
Martin draws his eyebrows together. "Where to?"
"Cornell," Dave answers, "and Columbia."
Gio suddenly laughs. "Ambitious kid, aren't you? Why not Brown, Princeton and Darthmouth as well, man?" Then he sobers up. "But, look. What exactly is it that you want to study?"
"Law."
"Forget Cornell and Columbia. Go to Harvard, or here to UPenn. What's waiting for you in New York?"
My unrequited crush the size of a grapefuit.
Dave shrugs, though, because he's not about to say that to these sophisticated gay men sitting in front of him.
"Crush the size of a grapefruit?" Gio repeats in confusion. "What are you talking about?"
Dave's face drains of color. Did he say that out loud?! Fuck, fuck, fuck.
The look Martin gives him is answer enough and Dave wishes he was as tall as Arietty Clock from The Borrowers so he can drown himself in his cup of coffee because, shit. Awkward.
Before the embarrassment fully sets in, though, Martin reaches across the table for Dave's hand and clasps it tightly in his. Then, he squeezes and says, "Good luck, Dave. Just remember... it gets better."
There are a million things he can say in reply to Martin. Like "no, it won't. Kurt Hummel already hates my freaking guts." Or "Yeah, I think it will get better once I finally move out of Lima!" Or even a simple "Thanks, Martin".
But the one he finally settles for is the one he thinks Puck will say when situations get overly emotional for him. Dave says, "Goddamn it, Marty, stop sounding like a freaking Trevor Project video on YouTube."
At least it makes Gio laugh.
*
When he comes back to Lima a couple of days after New Year, he's genuinely worried to see Nick Warbler (or Rachel and Birdie) camped out in front of his house. Thankfully, his front lawn is blissfully clear of stalkers. He helps his parents unload their car and carry their bags upstairs. He helps himself to a bottle of Coke in the fridge and puts popcorn in the microwave. He got a couple of movies from Martin and Gio that they recommended and he wants to watch them now before he goes back to school. Before he even gets the popcorn bag out of the pantry, however, Puck walks into the kitchen.
Although surprised to see him, Dave greets him with a fist-bump and "Happy New Year!" anyway. Then he notices the grim look on the guy's face. Putting his snacks down, Dave asks him what happened that got him looking like his puppy died.
"Shit happened, that's what," Puck declares. "A genuine shitstorm blizzard."
"Whoa, man, back up. What's this about?"
When Puck says next is equal to a 9.3 Richter scale earthquake for Dave: "Kurt got gay bashed. He was ambushed in the mall a couple of days ago. He had to stay overnight at the hospital."
Outside, he hears the roar of the thunder. But when his parents run into the kitchen with panicked and worried expressions on their faces, Dave realizes that it wasn't thunder that he heard. It was the sound of his own voice. Roaring. Like goddamned Liam Neeson as Aslan in the Narnia flick.
"David, why are you yelling?" his dad demands. "Noah. What's wrong?"
"Sorry, sir," Puck says sheepishly. "I could've dropped the bomb better."
"What 'bomb'?" Paul asks, alarmed.
"It's Kurt Hummel, Mr. K. He got gay bashed over a couple of days ago. Got roughed up a little bit by the idiots."
"Unbelievable!" Dave's mom cries out. "Who did it, Noah?"
Puck shakes his head. "No idea. Kurt won't tell us."
Dave roars again. "WHAT? WHY?"
"I don't know. I don't live in your Fancy's head," Puck retorts, frustrated, "and he won't tell us either. He said he knew who attacked him but when I tried to get him talking, he clammed up. And I interrogated him until Burt threw me out of the house for upsetting him, but he's still keeping his mouth shut. Then Finn tried and Blaine tried and all the girls tried and he still won't say anything to us. I told him that how were the Bully Whips supposed to keep him safe if we don't even know who did it to him."
Something about that strikes Dave as suspicious. He doesn't know what but the situation reeks of all kinds of horse manure. Fancy doesn't usually hide stuff - that's what Dave does, not Kurt. He's so outspoken that sometimes Dave would just like to shove a soapbox under his feet and declare him the Harvey Milk of the New Millennium. He's supposed to be all about justice and gay equality and anti-hate crime and whatever else his rainbow-hugging mind is thinking at the moment. Why is he keeping quiet now when he's supposed to be reporting this shit to the police and have them make arrests? After all, when Dave was still a little shit who actively bullied him, Kurt managed to report his bullying so that Sue Sylvester expelled Dave's huge shitty bum out of McKinley.
Unless...
Oh.
Wow. Why didn't he see that before? Man, this is so fucking elementary he could do it in his sleep and still kick Sherlock's ass at boxing.
Dave shakes his head and slaps Puck on the chest, gesturing for his buddy to follow him out. "Come on, man, let's go see Kurt. We'll take my car - oh, by the way, bye, mom, dad, don't wait up - and go to his place and ask him again."
"What, you're, like, a mind reader now?" Puck asks, following Dave to his Impala. "'Cause I'm telling you, Deek, it's like talking to a freaking wall."
"Clearly, you have never seen me work my powers of persuasion," Dave scoffs. "Walls got to crumble at some point, especially when when you huff and puff long enough. So will Fancy."
Puck stares at him long and hard for a minute. Then: "Seriously? You're going to blow Fancy to give you the answer? That's your power of persuasion?"
Dave chokes on his breath as Puck opens the door and snickers. "Oh, man, I'd pay to see that. Burt Hummel's gonna shit bricks, Deek! This is going to be good. "
*
The first thing Dave thinks when he sees Kurt at the Lima Bean (they went to his house and was told by Finn's mom that Finn took KUrt out to cheer him up) is OUCH. When Puck said Fancy got "roughed up", he thought it was just a little bruise on the arm. What he didn't expect was Kurt's arm being in a fucking sling. The hell. And the fucker who did it hasn't been locked up yet? Fuck.
"There he is," Puck says, nodding at where Fancy is sitting.
Dave rolls his eyes. He's tempted to sarcastically thank Puck for pointing at the obvious - it's impossible to miss Kurt because he's sitting there, in the middle of a big group of his friends, being completely smothered in TLC by the best of them - but he's too tightly wound from the fact that Kurt was really hurt from a hate crime to even muster the energy to snark at his wingman. Jesus. This is fucking serious. Who could joke about this?
"Deek, you okay?" Puck nudges him. "You getting ready to blow him?"
Dave smacks his Mohawked had. "I'm not blowing him, Puckerman. Shut the fuck up already."
"And feel free to take the chill pill any moment now, Karofsky!"
Before he can answer, he hears a familiar chirp. "David!"
Hell, no. He didn't come here to deal with Birdie. He raises his hand to stop any kind of creepy little greeting that the creepy dude has in mind and barks, "Get out. I'm talking to Kurt alone."
"Oh, good. You're going to persuade him to talk, right?" Birdie replies breathlessly. He sounds completely relieved, completely oblivious and completely annoying. Did he eat a special brand of cereal that makes him impervious to the wrath of tall, barking and menacing football players with fists named Fury or something?
Luckily, Puck steps in. "Blaine. We got this. Leave it to us."
"Hey, no complaints from me. I'm just saying, it's great that David is finally here."
"Yeah, but you're kind of on our way. Move aside, man."
Dave doesn't even bother waiting for Blaine to get out of the way. He brushes past him and stalks to the table where Fancy is sitting at, cuddling with Rachel and Mercedes, while Finn and Sam are talking quietly to each other in hushed tones. As he gets closer to Kurt, Dave can see another evidence of the incident on Kurt's body and it makes him even angrier. There's a visible cut running from his left eye to his cheek. It makes him look kind of edgy and cool, though, instead of beat up and miserable. Then again, Dave has complete faith on Kurt's class and talent - he can rock any look, any time, any day. Some people are just born that way.
Taking a deep breath, Dave greets him. "Hey."
The conversation between them drops instantly and the four people surrounding Kurt stare at him in surprise. But when Kurt looks up, his only reaction is to widen his eyes in surprise when he sees Dave standing in front of the table. He sits up straighter and slightly pushes Rachel and Mercedes back to create more room for himself. Then he smiles a little and somewhat shyly says, "Hi. Didn't know you were back in town."
"Just got back," Dave replies gruffly. "You okay?"
"A little banged up," Kurt says, flicking a glance at his sling. "But mostly okay." He smiles again. "Thanks for asking."
Dave nods and lets himself bask in the glory of Kurt's smile for five seconds before scowling at the rest of Fancy's Admiration Society, particularly Finn. "And where were you when he was getting beat up by stupid bigoted assholes?"
"Watch your mouth, Karofsky!" Sam bristles and shoots to his feet. "You can't come in here and--"
But Finn has the grace to look guilty. "I was helping my mom with her shopping bags," he confesses. "I really shouldn't have left Kurt alone."
Logically, he knows it's none of Finn's fault that this happened. Stupid cow town people are stupid and that's that. But still… "Put that on a sign and glue it to your forehead, Hudson. Now get out of here. All of you. I need to talk to Kurt."
Nobody needs to be told twice. Rachel and Mercedes pat Kurt's shoulders and remove themselves from Kurt's sides. Sam flips Dave off but follows the girls without a word. Finn sends Dave a grateful and hopeful look before he, too, moves to another table with the others. When Dave turns around, he sees Puck and Birdie still standing where he left them before. They've stopped talking, though, and are now looking expectantly at Dave.
Dave pulls up a chair and sits in front of Kurt. He wastes no breath on further small talk because he knows he'll blubber like a baby in front of the very guy he's supposed to protect. It's no longer just Kurt's condition that's making him feel that way, though. He also wants to cry because it's clear to him now that he's not been able to keep Epiphany No. 2 and probably not going to be able to for a while. He can't get over Kurt Hummel. This is so fucked up he doesn't even know how he's going to get himself out of this fucking grave he's digging for himself.
But seriously. Right now he doesn't have time to explore the depth of his emotions. He needs to stop being a drama queen and be a fucking Bully Whip and carry out the justice Fancy deserves.
"So," he begins. "You know the guys who attacked you. Probably two guys, right?"
Kurt is silent. Dave thinks, fine. He's raring to go huff and puff anyway. "Okay, that's not important. I'm more concerned about who they are and not how many there are anyway. And I think I can find out who they are without you having to tell me, although you know this is gonna go down much faster if you just spill the beans. Since you're not going to do that, you're just gonna have to hear me talk. Anyway, the thing is, I already know that the guys who attack you are guys from McKinley."
There's a twitch on Kurt's right eye. It's barely noticeable but Dave's eyesight is fucking awesome and he's well versed in the art of Fancy Watching so he knows what he saw.
"You know how I know?" Dave smirks. "It's because those guys could have been me."
Strangely enough, this statement gets a verbal reaction from Fancy. "No! Even a fool knows you're not that guy anymore, David."
"Yeah, I know. I'm not that guy now but last year? Don't tell me you forgot how I pushed you into lockers, threatened you in front of your locker and called you names?" Yeah, Dave, just fucking remind yourself of your sins. You can do this - you'll be Masochist of the Century if you keep this up, come on! "I could've seriously hurt you. I could've probably killed you. And what did you do?"
Dave pauses and catches Fancy's gaze. The other boy's eyes are cloudy. Then Dave answers his own question. "Nothing. You did nothing."
Kurt's breath hitches. "I got you expelled and--"
"Your dad got me expelled," Dave corrects him. "If he didn't catch me making that wrist movement to you, I'd get away for making fun of you. And in the office, in front of my dad, you said nothing about my secret. About why that kiss in the locker room. You could've just told them, you know?"
Kurt shakes his head and his cloudy eyes begin to tear up. "I couldn't do that to you. And I still won't."
"I get that, Kurt. You knew what I stood to lose if you said anything about me. And even though you hate me, you still don't want me to get into trouble. That's just the kind of person you are."
"David, I--"
"So, really, it's not that hard for me to figure out that whoever attacked you in that mall is in the same position I was last year. They've got to be guys you know, guys who can either torment you further in school but guys you feel like you need to protect because if you report them to authorities, they'll lose everything they got." Dave draws his breath before continuing, "Maybe their home. Maybe their money. Or maybe it's something as simple as athletic scholarships. Colleges don't come cheap. These guys are probably counting on full rides."
He knows he's on the right track when Kurt's eye twitch again. Dave decides to bring on the big guns.
"Cooper and Johnson are likely suspects," Dave says, almost grinning when he sees yet another twitch. Score. "But, no. Cooper's good but his grades are not so there's no way he'll get any scholarship. Johnson's slightly better but he sucks at hockey. He's not gonna get any offers either. Actually, the entire hockey team suck big time, except for Saunders, Heller, A.J. and me. So forget hockey and let's move on to football."
He ticks off the ones he knows are on Team Fancy first. "Not Hudson, Evans, Abrams, Puckerman or Chang. I wasn't in town so I can't be a suspect. My boy Zee's in Cleveland for Christmas. Reeves? Good player with good grades from a good Christian family. He probably has a lot to lose if people find out he attacks guys in the mall. Then again, he's small, and you're bigger than him. He won't overpower you. Rashad? He's taller, bigger and stronger. He's going to go places, that one. Can't afford to lose that scholarship but I just don't see it in him to be hateful. Strando? He's big but a major crybaby. He likes romcoms and Jennifer Garner, which is disgusting--"
"Langenthal."
The name comes out so quietly that Dave almost doesn't catch it but he does. And he totally doesn't believe it.
"Phil Langenthal?" Dave whispers. "Really?"
Kurt is quietly sniffling now. Dave wants him to stop but he needs to hear the rest of it so he waits patiently until Kurt speaks again.
"He's just a little bit bigger than me, but he's strong. He's hated me ever since I took his place as kicker in the team in sophomore year. He hates the fact that Tanaka dropped him for 'the town fag' and that even Beiste doesn't favor him. He said, if you and Azimio hadn't started bullying me, he was going to do it himself. This senior year, he thought you were going to give me a hard time again but was disappointed when you suddenly turned over a new leaf and became a Bully Whip instead. Since then, he's been biding his time to get to me. And just before Christmas break, he overheard Beiste talking about bringing me back in as a kicker for your next game after winter break. That really set him off. When he saw me, he reacted."
"And he told you all this?"
Kurt laughs humorlessly through his tears. "Yes. In the way movie villain delivers a monologue before he kills the hero. Or, in my case, the 'faggy loser'. Then he puts his foot down on my shoulder and stomps on it."
Oh, he is dead. Phillip Langenthal is so fucking dead. He doesn't know it yet but he will once Dave gets his hands on him.
"But please don't do anything," Kurt begs him. Dave glares at him. Kurt glares right back. "You can't. I know you want to make things right and, trust me, saving me and my fabulous outfits from slushies is enough. You can't do anything to him, David. I don't want you getting into trouble."
"I'm not going to get into trouble." Really, he's not. There are ways to kill people and hide the body. Between him and Puck, they'll know what to do. First, though, they need a strategy meeting.
"Well, thanks for telling me, Fancy," Dave says, getting up from his seat. "You can rest assured Langenthal won't be a problem anymore. And don't worry your pretty little head about me getting into trouble. Just sit back, relax and enjoy the show."
Ignoring Kurt's high-pitched protests, Dave leaves him there to stew on his own. He nods at Puck and the other Bully Whipper gets up and waves goodbye to Birdie. The last thing he sees before exiting the coffee shop is Birdie hugging Fancy and planting a soft kiss on Fancy's bruised temples. He waits for the pain to hit...
...but it doesn't. Huh.
Feeling vindictive rage toward a homophobic sleazebag for hurting someone precious to him apparently obliterates any kind of jealousy and self-loathing for not being able to keep up with his epiphanies. It's a good thing, then, that McKinley is overpopulated with little shits like Langenthal because Dave is all for vindictive rages if it means he can stop mooning over Fancy. It's high time he stops because it's getting old, damn it.
*
Dave checks out WikiLeaks that night to see if there are any leaked documents on the CIA's methods of torture on POWs but he gets distracted before long by an email from the Bruins' assistant coach that tells him he's looking forward to see Dave play in the Titans' next match. He spends half an hour composing a professional-sounding reply that, five minutes afterwards, gets answered by a one-liner reply of "Great! See you!" Dumbass.
Since his email is already open, he decides to write to Martin and rants to him about bigotry and small town high school mentality and why it's important to him to follow Kurt Hummel to New York. Then he feels a soul-deep exhaustion for humanity and ends up falling asleep on his laptop in bed.
The next morning, he finds a reply from Gio.
Dave,
If this 'Fancy' doesn't know what a great guy you are, well screw him. He doesn't deserve you. If you end up in Columbia or Cornell instead of Harvard, he better be offering you his firstborn (either by surrogacy or adoption) and then some.
Don't just beat the shit out of the homophobic kicker, though. It won't teach him a lesson and you'll only be lowering yourself to his pathetic level. Here's a piece of unwanted advice (but it could work, since my buddies and I did it to our homophobic RA in our senior year): kidnap him, cuff him, lock him in the janitor's closet, and play him one Gaga song on loop until his ears bleed. He was never an asshole to any of us anymore.
Gio
PS. Have you watched the movies we gave you yet?
Five minutes later, he gets Puck on the phone. "Puckerman. You remember that time when we locked you in a port-a-potty for the whole night and you had to be rescued by Zizes, which results in her owning your balls now?"
"Fuck you, too, Dick." He hangs up on Dave.
What the fuck. Rude much? Scowling, Dave dials again and snaps, "Don't be an asshole, Puck. It's only eight in the morning. We've got the whole day ahead of us for you to be a dickwad."
"I don't care what time it is, I don't want to hear about port-a-potties and the wonderful times you had being the world's ugliest jerk back then. By the way, you owe me another spring break trip for that. I haven't forgiven you for that."
"But port-a-potties are perfect!"
"And you say I'm the insane one in this relationship?"
"How fast can you get here, dude? We've got a lot of planning to do."
"That depends. How fast can you make me breakfast?"
*
Langenthal kicks and screams as Dave, Puck, Finn and Zee (who doesn't care about what happened to Kurt but thinks Dave's idea of torture is fine so he wants in) kidnap him from his cushy two-story house in the very nice part of Lima. It's a neat little operation involving a borrowed truck, mechanic jumpsuits, ski masks, a Juicy Couture bandana, a roll of duct tape and a pair of furry handcuffs Finn got from Rachel (Dave doesn't even wanna know about it).
They break into school where Zizes is already waiting for them. They toss him, securely cuffed, inside a port-a-potty where she has previously installed a loud speaker in. Dave's about to close the door and begin the assault on Langenthal's ears when Puck stops him and asks, "Don't you have anything to say to him?"
Dave glances as the whining and crying loser inside the portable toilet and thinks of something to say. But he can't. He'd rather just spit on Phil's face or dislocate his shoulder like he did to Kurt and get the hell out of there. The bastard's not even worth wasting breath and a few words on. Then again, he supposes he should deliver a parting remark to drive home the fact that Langenthal's life is about to be over.
But the only thing that comes to mind is three little words that don't even't sound anywhere near clever or profound. It's the only thing Dave's got, though, so he says it anyway.
"It's Britney, bitch."
Then he slams the door, locks it from the outside, and hits the play button. From inside the compartment, "I'm A Slave 4 U" plays at top volume and will continue to do so for the rest of the night. Dave high fives his comrades and they walk back to their cars laughing their nasty vigilante asses off.
*
Continued in Part 3