{FIC} Box of Secrets, Chapter 3/3
Vicky watched as Paul’s car drove down the street and around the corner, passing Lauren’s school bus. She waited at the end of the driveway for Lauren, trying to calm herself, trying to lose the worry etched into her face.
“Hey, mom. What are you doing home so early?”
“Left work a little early. No big deal.” Stay calm. “Hey, what’dya say you go across the street to Stacie’s house for a little bit? I have some stuff I need to do at home….and um….I don’t mind if you start your homework over there?”
“Is everything ok?” Lauren looked past her mom’s shoulder to the front of the house.
“Everything’s fine, sweetie.” She painted on her best smile and attempted to fix her daughter’s lop-sided pony-tail, something she knew her daughter detested. “Except for this hair… maybe you should let me redo it for you.”
“Stop it. No. God, its fine. I’m going to Stacie’s. See ya later.”
Vicky turned back towards the house and took a deep breath.
She found David sitting on his bed, staring at his shoes. “Hi, honey.” She announced quietly as she came into his room.
“Hi.” He didn’t look up.
She cautiously walked to the edge of the bed, glancing around the room. “Can I sit down?”
Dave shrugged his shoulders in response.
She sat next to him cautiously, mindful of the distance between them as she did. Not too close so that he’d feel smothered but close enough so that he knew she was there and that she cared about him. It seemed anymore, everything involving David could be compared to walking a tight-rope. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Your father says--”
“He hates me.”
“No, David, he doesn’t. He wanted me to--”
“No.” His tone was gruff. “He hates me. I know it. Don’t lie for him.”
“Listen to me. No one hates you right now. We’re just concerned. We want to help you.”
“He hates me. You probably hate me too. Just stop--”
“David, please.” She placed her hand on his leg but he pushed it away.
“Do you know what he said? Do you? He hates me. Everything about me. He hates me so fucking much and I don’t blame him, mom. I just want to die sometimes.” His words came out in a rush, his voice not angry, but heartbroken and his pitch growing higher. “I hate this. I hate it so much. I tried to stop. I did. I tried to hide it and ignore it and it just wouldn’t go away.” He sniffed, unable to stop the tears. “I’m sorry mom, I don’t know what else to do. I don’t wanna try anymore. I don’t even wanna fucking live. It’s too hard. I don’t wanna live if I have to be gay. I don’t.” By the time he’d finished, he was sobbing uncontrollably, clawing at his thighs, rocking back and forth.
“David, stop. It’s gonna be ok. We love you. We’re here. Your father wanted me to tell you how sorry he was. Whatever he said, he didn’t mean it. And you don’t have to apologize, honey. You haven’t done anything wrong.” She tried to put her arm around him but he jerked it off with his shoulder. “Listen to me. This is our fault. We haven’t been paying attention. We didn’t know you were hurting so much. But this is not your fault. You’ve done nothing wrong. We still love you. We will continue to love you, no matter what.”
“I don’t want to be gay, mom. I don’t want this.” He spit the words out.
“It’s ok. We’ll get through this. You don’t have to do it alone. We’re going to help.”
“How can you help?” He finally looked at her, mockingly. “What could you possibly do to help me?”
“David, we love you. We--”
“Stop it, ok! You can’t help me. No one can.”
She didn’t know what else to say. Her heart was breaking for her son. She just wanted him to believe her, believe that everything would be ok. Somehow. Maybe she should just wait until Paul got home. She didn’t want to make this worse by pushing too hard.
It’s funny how animals can sense when something’s wrong. The family cat walked into David’s room and jumped up on the bed between mother and son. David sniffed. The cat placed one paw on his lap and curiously looked up at him. She meowed quietly before walking across the bridge of Dave’s thighs to the head of the bed.
David sniffed again and placed his hand across her back as she passed over. She turned and crossed his lap again. Why was she so desperate for attention now, he thought.
But honestly, he welcomed the distraction. He’d never admit it but he fucking loved that cat. After the fourth or fifth pass across his lap, Dave looked over at his mom. “What did dad say?” It came out almost as a whisper.
“He said he’s sorry, David. So very, very sorry. He couldn’t even repeat the words to me, honey. He cried when he tried to tell me.”
“Where’d he go?”
“Back to work.”
“Like nothing happened? Great.” David snorted. “Just ignore it and pretend it never happened.”
“No. That’s not what he’s doing. He went back to work to…to…talk to somebody. I think. I think there’s someone he works with that he was wanting to talk to.”
Dave didn’t say anything. The cat had rolled onto her side and Dave was stroking her long grey fun while she purred.
Vicky inched closer while Dave’s back was slightly turned, while he was distracted by petting the cat. “We don’t want to lose you, David. We love you and we want to help. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay or polka-dotted or if you suddenly sprout antennas on top of your head.” Dave turned back towards her and they locked eyes. “We don’t have all the answers yet. But we’ll find them. We’ll help you however we can. Because you’re our son and we love you.”
He suddenly threw his arms around her, wrapping her in a massive hug and squeezing tight. Stunned, she lifted her hand and patted his back gently. He sniffed again into her shoulder and then pulled away quickly. He turned back towards the cat and didn’t say anything else.
But Vicky counted it as a win.
Vicky was in the kitchen, considering dinner when Paul got home. Dave was in his room, finishing his makeup homework and Lauren was in front of the TV, having finished her homework at Stacie’s.
Paul met his wife in front of the fridge. She wrapped her arms around him and smiled. “It’s gonna be ok, Paul. Things are gonna be ok.”
“What happened? Did you talk to him? Did he….um….talk to you?”
“Yeah. We talked. A little.” She pulled back and look up at her husband. “He knows we want to help. He knows we love him. No matter what. I swear, I want to serve that cat chopped liver and mouse soufflé on a nightly basis.”
“What? The cat?” Paul glanced down at the cat as she sat in the middle of the kitchen and groomed herself. “Never mind. Did you tell him I was sorry…for what I said?”
“Yes.” She turned back to the counter top. “But if you wanted to tell him again, in your own words…you could.”
“Yeah. I…I guess I should.” He pulled the post-it-note from his jacket pocket. “How long til dinner’s done?”
“An hour, hour and a half maybe.”
“Ok.” He walked back down the hall and stood at Dave’s half-open bedroom door. He knocked.
“Yeah?” Dave was at his desk, packing his backpack with his finished school work as Paul walked in.
Paul stood awkwardly in the doorway. He glanced around the room then back at his son. “Looks different in here.”
“Oh. Yeah.”
“Done with all your school work?”
“Yeah.”
Awkward silence stretched between them. Paul suddenly felt so ashamed. Saying ‘I’m sorry’ just seemed so inadequate. Could he ever really apologize for what he’d said and done? “David, son….I…” This might be the hardest thing he’d ever done but he reminded himself how much harder this was for a seventeen year old. “I want you to know….if I could….take back what I said to you, I would. I’m so sorry. You have to believe me. I never meant a single word of it.”
Dave lowered his eyes.
Paul could still see the memory of what he’d done being played in his son’s mind. “I was confused. And shocked. I think….maybe I think I was wanting you to deny it. But you didn’t. And that just shows….” He took a couple steps forward, slowly, and sat on the edge of Dave’s bed. “That shows how much stronger you are than me. You admitted it.”
As Paul continued speaking, Dave watched the cat walk leisurely into the room, jump on his bed and begin grooming herself. He felt the corners of his mouth twitch as his body relaxed involuntarily.
“….And I just…I never should have looked in that box. I’m sorry for that. I was just so scared but I know I shouldn’t have--”
“No, it’s alright.” Dave interrupted. “I mean…it’s ok, ya know. I’m kinda glad you found it. I mean,” he looked up at his dad, “…it’s kind of a relief that you guys know. Finally.”
“Oh. Well, yeah, good.”
“I’m mean, I’m still pretty mixed up, like, in my head. But…at least….I mean….I don’t feel like I’m suffocating….anymore.”
“Good. Yeah. You don’t have to feel like you’re suffocating. Your mom and I are serious about wanting to help you.” Paul glanced at the note still in his hand. “Um, is that your cell?” he motioned to the phone sitting on Dave’s desk.
“Yeah?”
“Let me have it….” Paul looked up at his son with a pleading look. “I want to give you a number. To call. Now.” Paul took the phone from Dave’s hand with a smile. He punched in the number and handed it back to his son. “Press ‘call’ and talk to them. Please. We’ll let you know when dinner is done.”
Dave looked down at the digits on his screen and back up at his dad, curiously.
“They want to help you as much as your mother and I do. Talk to them. Please.” Paul stood, took a step towards the door but stopped. He turned back and looked at his son. Taking a few steps closer towards Dave’s desk he hesitated again, then smirked slightly. “Well, come on, stand up. Don’t make this any more awkward than it already is.” He held his arms out at his sides as Dave realized he was offering a hug.
Dave snorted. But stood. His father wrapped his arms around him and immediately, something happened inside. Silent tears began streaming down his face. He held his breath and bit his lip hard, trying to stop crying, refusing to breathe or sniff. He didn’t want his father to know he was crying.
He told himself for that reason…and that reason alone, he didn’t want to pull away. But then the realization hit. He sniffed a couple times, feeling his dad’s strong hands on his back. He realized that it didn’t matter anymore. It wasn’t like his dad would wonder if he’s gay.
He wrapped his arms around his father and hugged back.
“Hey, mom. What are you doing home so early?”
“Left work a little early. No big deal.” Stay calm. “Hey, what’dya say you go across the street to Stacie’s house for a little bit? I have some stuff I need to do at home….and um….I don’t mind if you start your homework over there?”
“Is everything ok?” Lauren looked past her mom’s shoulder to the front of the house.
“Everything’s fine, sweetie.” She painted on her best smile and attempted to fix her daughter’s lop-sided pony-tail, something she knew her daughter detested. “Except for this hair… maybe you should let me redo it for you.”
“Stop it. No. God, its fine. I’m going to Stacie’s. See ya later.”
Vicky turned back towards the house and took a deep breath.
She found David sitting on his bed, staring at his shoes. “Hi, honey.” She announced quietly as she came into his room.
“Hi.” He didn’t look up.
She cautiously walked to the edge of the bed, glancing around the room. “Can I sit down?”
Dave shrugged his shoulders in response.
She sat next to him cautiously, mindful of the distance between them as she did. Not too close so that he’d feel smothered but close enough so that he knew she was there and that she cared about him. It seemed anymore, everything involving David could be compared to walking a tight-rope. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Your father says--”
“He hates me.”
“No, David, he doesn’t. He wanted me to--”
“No.” His tone was gruff. “He hates me. I know it. Don’t lie for him.”
“Listen to me. No one hates you right now. We’re just concerned. We want to help you.”
“He hates me. You probably hate me too. Just stop--”
“David, please.” She placed her hand on his leg but he pushed it away.
“Do you know what he said? Do you? He hates me. Everything about me. He hates me so fucking much and I don’t blame him, mom. I just want to die sometimes.” His words came out in a rush, his voice not angry, but heartbroken and his pitch growing higher. “I hate this. I hate it so much. I tried to stop. I did. I tried to hide it and ignore it and it just wouldn’t go away.” He sniffed, unable to stop the tears. “I’m sorry mom, I don’t know what else to do. I don’t wanna try anymore. I don’t even wanna fucking live. It’s too hard. I don’t wanna live if I have to be gay. I don’t.” By the time he’d finished, he was sobbing uncontrollably, clawing at his thighs, rocking back and forth.
“David, stop. It’s gonna be ok. We love you. We’re here. Your father wanted me to tell you how sorry he was. Whatever he said, he didn’t mean it. And you don’t have to apologize, honey. You haven’t done anything wrong.” She tried to put her arm around him but he jerked it off with his shoulder. “Listen to me. This is our fault. We haven’t been paying attention. We didn’t know you were hurting so much. But this is not your fault. You’ve done nothing wrong. We still love you. We will continue to love you, no matter what.”
“I don’t want to be gay, mom. I don’t want this.” He spit the words out.
“It’s ok. We’ll get through this. You don’t have to do it alone. We’re going to help.”
“How can you help?” He finally looked at her, mockingly. “What could you possibly do to help me?”
“David, we love you. We--”
“Stop it, ok! You can’t help me. No one can.”
She didn’t know what else to say. Her heart was breaking for her son. She just wanted him to believe her, believe that everything would be ok. Somehow. Maybe she should just wait until Paul got home. She didn’t want to make this worse by pushing too hard.
It’s funny how animals can sense when something’s wrong. The family cat walked into David’s room and jumped up on the bed between mother and son. David sniffed. The cat placed one paw on his lap and curiously looked up at him. She meowed quietly before walking across the bridge of Dave’s thighs to the head of the bed.
David sniffed again and placed his hand across her back as she passed over. She turned and crossed his lap again. Why was she so desperate for attention now, he thought.
But honestly, he welcomed the distraction. He’d never admit it but he fucking loved that cat. After the fourth or fifth pass across his lap, Dave looked over at his mom. “What did dad say?” It came out almost as a whisper.
“He said he’s sorry, David. So very, very sorry. He couldn’t even repeat the words to me, honey. He cried when he tried to tell me.”
“Where’d he go?”
“Back to work.”
“Like nothing happened? Great.” David snorted. “Just ignore it and pretend it never happened.”
“No. That’s not what he’s doing. He went back to work to…to…talk to somebody. I think. I think there’s someone he works with that he was wanting to talk to.”
Dave didn’t say anything. The cat had rolled onto her side and Dave was stroking her long grey fun while she purred.
Vicky inched closer while Dave’s back was slightly turned, while he was distracted by petting the cat. “We don’t want to lose you, David. We love you and we want to help. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay or polka-dotted or if you suddenly sprout antennas on top of your head.” Dave turned back towards her and they locked eyes. “We don’t have all the answers yet. But we’ll find them. We’ll help you however we can. Because you’re our son and we love you.”
He suddenly threw his arms around her, wrapping her in a massive hug and squeezing tight. Stunned, she lifted her hand and patted his back gently. He sniffed again into her shoulder and then pulled away quickly. He turned back towards the cat and didn’t say anything else.
But Vicky counted it as a win.
Vicky was in the kitchen, considering dinner when Paul got home. Dave was in his room, finishing his makeup homework and Lauren was in front of the TV, having finished her homework at Stacie’s.
Paul met his wife in front of the fridge. She wrapped her arms around him and smiled. “It’s gonna be ok, Paul. Things are gonna be ok.”
“What happened? Did you talk to him? Did he….um….talk to you?”
“Yeah. We talked. A little.” She pulled back and look up at her husband. “He knows we want to help. He knows we love him. No matter what. I swear, I want to serve that cat chopped liver and mouse soufflé on a nightly basis.”
“What? The cat?” Paul glanced down at the cat as she sat in the middle of the kitchen and groomed herself. “Never mind. Did you tell him I was sorry…for what I said?”
“Yes.” She turned back to the counter top. “But if you wanted to tell him again, in your own words…you could.”
“Yeah. I…I guess I should.” He pulled the post-it-note from his jacket pocket. “How long til dinner’s done?”
“An hour, hour and a half maybe.”
“Ok.” He walked back down the hall and stood at Dave’s half-open bedroom door. He knocked.
“Yeah?” Dave was at his desk, packing his backpack with his finished school work as Paul walked in.
Paul stood awkwardly in the doorway. He glanced around the room then back at his son. “Looks different in here.”
“Oh. Yeah.”
“Done with all your school work?”
“Yeah.”
Awkward silence stretched between them. Paul suddenly felt so ashamed. Saying ‘I’m sorry’ just seemed so inadequate. Could he ever really apologize for what he’d said and done? “David, son….I…” This might be the hardest thing he’d ever done but he reminded himself how much harder this was for a seventeen year old. “I want you to know….if I could….take back what I said to you, I would. I’m so sorry. You have to believe me. I never meant a single word of it.”
Dave lowered his eyes.
Paul could still see the memory of what he’d done being played in his son’s mind. “I was confused. And shocked. I think….maybe I think I was wanting you to deny it. But you didn’t. And that just shows….” He took a couple steps forward, slowly, and sat on the edge of Dave’s bed. “That shows how much stronger you are than me. You admitted it.”
As Paul continued speaking, Dave watched the cat walk leisurely into the room, jump on his bed and begin grooming herself. He felt the corners of his mouth twitch as his body relaxed involuntarily.
“….And I just…I never should have looked in that box. I’m sorry for that. I was just so scared but I know I shouldn’t have--”
“No, it’s alright.” Dave interrupted. “I mean…it’s ok, ya know. I’m kinda glad you found it. I mean,” he looked up at his dad, “…it’s kind of a relief that you guys know. Finally.”
“Oh. Well, yeah, good.”
“I’m mean, I’m still pretty mixed up, like, in my head. But…at least….I mean….I don’t feel like I’m suffocating….anymore.”
“Good. Yeah. You don’t have to feel like you’re suffocating. Your mom and I are serious about wanting to help you.” Paul glanced at the note still in his hand. “Um, is that your cell?” he motioned to the phone sitting on Dave’s desk.
“Yeah?”
“Let me have it….” Paul looked up at his son with a pleading look. “I want to give you a number. To call. Now.” Paul took the phone from Dave’s hand with a smile. He punched in the number and handed it back to his son. “Press ‘call’ and talk to them. Please. We’ll let you know when dinner is done.”
Dave looked down at the digits on his screen and back up at his dad, curiously.
“They want to help you as much as your mother and I do. Talk to them. Please.” Paul stood, took a step towards the door but stopped. He turned back and looked at his son. Taking a few steps closer towards Dave’s desk he hesitated again, then smirked slightly. “Well, come on, stand up. Don’t make this any more awkward than it already is.” He held his arms out at his sides as Dave realized he was offering a hug.
Dave snorted. But stood. His father wrapped his arms around him and immediately, something happened inside. Silent tears began streaming down his face. He held his breath and bit his lip hard, trying to stop crying, refusing to breathe or sniff. He didn’t want his father to know he was crying.
He told himself for that reason…and that reason alone, he didn’t want to pull away. But then the realization hit. He sniffed a couple times, feeling his dad’s strong hands on his back. He realized that it didn’t matter anymore. It wasn’t like his dad would wonder if he’s gay.
He wrapped his arms around his father and hugged back.