{FIC} No One's Allergic to Zac Efron!
What the fuck am I doing here? Brittany Pierce’s bedroom? Really, Dave? Really?
School had started only a couple weeks ago and he’d managed to avoid her for that long. But yesterday she caught him….damn him and his need to linger over the last few tots on his lunch plate. She sat next to him after Azimio and the other guys left.
She laid it all out, told him the plan. She was a cheerleader, he was on the football team and therefore….they had to do the deed. She was striving for a perfect record. It was only logical. Her place, tomorrow night.
The girl had a strange sense of logic.
But there he was. Cursing the fact that he left his balls at home. Or where ever they were.
He followed her through the living room, down the hall and towards her room. Her oblivious parents either didn’t notice or didn’t care.
“We’ll be in my room, mom.”
“Ok, sweetie.”
Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?
She sat on the edge of her bed and patted the spot next to her sweetly.
Like she’s done this before….
From the notches he could see on her bed post….she’d done it…
….twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six…fuck! What the hell am I doing here? Please, god, if there’s any way to get out of this? Any way at all?
He sat down.
Just get it over with, asshole. She doesn’t know you’re a virgin, for crying out loud.
At least he could be grateful for that. He’d boasted enough to his buddies. They accepted his lies without blinking.
Just get this over with and get on with your life. How hard could it be? Kiss her, touch her, fuck her. Then get the hell out of here and get on with your life.
They were kissing. He didn’t remember how the kiss started. He was too busy psyching himself up. Her hand was on his thigh.
Fuck. Where do I put my hand? Her shoulder or her boob?
Boobs. Ick. Why do they always make me think of my mom?
He put his hand on her boob. He squeezed because he was pretty sure that’s what you’re supposed to do.
Maybe this won’t be so bad. I can do this….
And then her hand started inching up his thigh.
He jumped up, looking around the room and wiping his sweaty palms on his pants.
“What’s wrong?” she asked innocently.
“I, um, I thought I heard something. Are you sure we won’t get caught?” he hesitated. “I don’t want to get you in trouble.”
“I didn’t hear anything. And don’t worry. No one’s getting in trouble.” Her laugh made it sound like that was the most ridiculous thing anyone had ever said to her.
He sat back down. She placed her hand back on his thigh and he placed his hand back on her boob. They were kissing again.
Just fucking do it! Get it over with. Stop being a pussy and just fuck her already.
He opened his eyes and saw the Charlie St. Cloud poster on the wall.
Mmmm, Zac Efron. If only the poster showed his face.
Damn, I could stare into those dude’s eyes and actually pretend I was enjoying this.
She was still kissing him.
Damn, how long is this kiss going to last?
Her hand was on his crotch.
Fuck! When did it reach my crotch? Oh shit. Come on man, get it up. This is not even cool. Get. It. Up.
Her hand began to kneed at his sadly timid dick.
Oh my god! She touching my junk! Fuck fuck fuck. This cannot be happening. Zac Efron, Zac Efron. Just think of Zac Efrom….HE’s touching my junk. HE wants me. HE’s kissing me. Please wake up, dude, pleeeeease…..!
“Is something wrong?”
His eyes snapped open. Brittany blinked naively, waiting for his response.
Think, dammit, think. Brittany Pierce CANNOT be told the real reason you can’t get it up. Think!
“You’re wallpaper.” He blurted out.
“What? You like it?” She smiled like an idiot. Well, because she was an idiot. “I named all the birds. There are sixty-three of them. They don’t like my cat but I promised them that he would never eat them. He likes mice instead.”
Was she for real?
“It’s the flowers.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m…uh, I’m allergic to the flowers.”
If she’s dumb enough, she’ll buy it. Please be dumb enough.
“On my wallpaper? Really?”
Score.
“Yeah. I’m sorry. But there are so many flowers on your wall…I mean. I really want to do this but they’re making me, well you know….” he glanced down at his dick, her hand had already been removed. What a relief.
“Flowers cause that?” she asked innocently.
“Yeah….” his confidence was boosted by her extreme gullibility. “Definitely. I’m really sorry. I wish I weren’t allergic.”
“I’m sorry. I had no idea.” She apologized. “I’ve never had a guy here who was allergic to flowers before.”
Run. Just fucking run, already.
“Yeah, well. Maybe you can redecorate or something. I don’t know. Paint?” He lowered his eyes and gave his best attempt at regret, “I’m really sorry. Man, I was so looking forward to this, too.”
That’s it. Lie your ass off and LEAVE!
She looked around her room with a sudden sad look in her eyes. “But I like my wallpaper so much. The birdies keep me company…” her voice was small and sad.
Great, idiot, now you made her sad about the damn birds. Way to fuck up even worse.
“It’s ok. Ya know. Maybe we can try again, like….sometime. Maybe if you had more posters on the wall, you know, covering up most of the flowers.”
What the fuck are you saying?
“Like, maybe more Zac Efron posters....” he added.
Yeeeaaahhhh! Zac Efron.
“That’s a great idea!” She stood up from the bed, her curly ponytail bouncing over her shoulders. “I’m gonna get some more posters. Then you can come back. And we can do it.”
“Yeah….can’t wait.” He didn’t even attempt to sound legit.
He sat in his truck. His hand was on the key, his key was in the ignition and the biggest shit-eating smile was plastered across his face.
Dave, you are fucking brilliant!
He started his truck and headed home. Tonight he’d jerk off thinking about Zac Efron.
Again.
School had started only a couple weeks ago and he’d managed to avoid her for that long. But yesterday she caught him….damn him and his need to linger over the last few tots on his lunch plate. She sat next to him after Azimio and the other guys left.
She laid it all out, told him the plan. She was a cheerleader, he was on the football team and therefore….they had to do the deed. She was striving for a perfect record. It was only logical. Her place, tomorrow night.
The girl had a strange sense of logic.
But there he was. Cursing the fact that he left his balls at home. Or where ever they were.
He followed her through the living room, down the hall and towards her room. Her oblivious parents either didn’t notice or didn’t care.
“We’ll be in my room, mom.”
“Ok, sweetie.”
Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?
She sat on the edge of her bed and patted the spot next to her sweetly.
Like she’s done this before….
From the notches he could see on her bed post….she’d done it…
….twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six…fuck! What the hell am I doing here? Please, god, if there’s any way to get out of this? Any way at all?
He sat down.
Just get it over with, asshole. She doesn’t know you’re a virgin, for crying out loud.
At least he could be grateful for that. He’d boasted enough to his buddies. They accepted his lies without blinking.
Just get this over with and get on with your life. How hard could it be? Kiss her, touch her, fuck her. Then get the hell out of here and get on with your life.
They were kissing. He didn’t remember how the kiss started. He was too busy psyching himself up. Her hand was on his thigh.
Fuck. Where do I put my hand? Her shoulder or her boob?
Boobs. Ick. Why do they always make me think of my mom?
He put his hand on her boob. He squeezed because he was pretty sure that’s what you’re supposed to do.
Maybe this won’t be so bad. I can do this….
And then her hand started inching up his thigh.
He jumped up, looking around the room and wiping his sweaty palms on his pants.
“What’s wrong?” she asked innocently.
“I, um, I thought I heard something. Are you sure we won’t get caught?” he hesitated. “I don’t want to get you in trouble.”
“I didn’t hear anything. And don’t worry. No one’s getting in trouble.” Her laugh made it sound like that was the most ridiculous thing anyone had ever said to her.
He sat back down. She placed her hand back on his thigh and he placed his hand back on her boob. They were kissing again.
Just fucking do it! Get it over with. Stop being a pussy and just fuck her already.
He opened his eyes and saw the Charlie St. Cloud poster on the wall.
Mmmm, Zac Efron. If only the poster showed his face.
Damn, I could stare into those dude’s eyes and actually pretend I was enjoying this.
She was still kissing him.
Damn, how long is this kiss going to last?
Her hand was on his crotch.
Fuck! When did it reach my crotch? Oh shit. Come on man, get it up. This is not even cool. Get. It. Up.
Her hand began to kneed at his sadly timid dick.
Oh my god! She touching my junk! Fuck fuck fuck. This cannot be happening. Zac Efron, Zac Efron. Just think of Zac Efrom….HE’s touching my junk. HE wants me. HE’s kissing me. Please wake up, dude, pleeeeease…..!
“Is something wrong?”
His eyes snapped open. Brittany blinked naively, waiting for his response.
Think, dammit, think. Brittany Pierce CANNOT be told the real reason you can’t get it up. Think!
“You’re wallpaper.” He blurted out.
“What? You like it?” She smiled like an idiot. Well, because she was an idiot. “I named all the birds. There are sixty-three of them. They don’t like my cat but I promised them that he would never eat them. He likes mice instead.”
Was she for real?
“It’s the flowers.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m…uh, I’m allergic to the flowers.”
If she’s dumb enough, she’ll buy it. Please be dumb enough.
“On my wallpaper? Really?”
Score.
“Yeah. I’m sorry. But there are so many flowers on your wall…I mean. I really want to do this but they’re making me, well you know….” he glanced down at his dick, her hand had already been removed. What a relief.
“Flowers cause that?” she asked innocently.
“Yeah….” his confidence was boosted by her extreme gullibility. “Definitely. I’m really sorry. I wish I weren’t allergic.”
“I’m sorry. I had no idea.” She apologized. “I’ve never had a guy here who was allergic to flowers before.”
Run. Just fucking run, already.
“Yeah, well. Maybe you can redecorate or something. I don’t know. Paint?” He lowered his eyes and gave his best attempt at regret, “I’m really sorry. Man, I was so looking forward to this, too.”
That’s it. Lie your ass off and LEAVE!
She looked around her room with a sudden sad look in her eyes. “But I like my wallpaper so much. The birdies keep me company…” her voice was small and sad.
Great, idiot, now you made her sad about the damn birds. Way to fuck up even worse.
“It’s ok. Ya know. Maybe we can try again, like….sometime. Maybe if you had more posters on the wall, you know, covering up most of the flowers.”
What the fuck are you saying?
“Like, maybe more Zac Efron posters....” he added.
Yeeeaaahhhh! Zac Efron.
“That’s a great idea!” She stood up from the bed, her curly ponytail bouncing over her shoulders. “I’m gonna get some more posters. Then you can come back. And we can do it.”
“Yeah….can’t wait.” He didn’t even attempt to sound legit.
He sat in his truck. His hand was on the key, his key was in the ignition and the biggest shit-eating smile was plastered across his face.
Dave, you are fucking brilliant!
He started his truck and headed home. Tonight he’d jerk off thinking about Zac Efron.
Again.