Nooo, turn it off, turn it off!
So the holidays are here again. And with this time of year comes holiday music. And in that mix of carols, there are surely some that you just can't stand, the ones that make you change the channel or cover your ears every time they come on.
Here are my top five suckiest holiday songs, counting down (and let's just leave Justin Bieber out of this -- let's just acknowledge that we all know he sucks, so we don't need to include anything from his holiday album here):
5. "Jingle Bells" by the Singing Dogs: It's fricking dogs. Fricking dogs barking. Do I really have to explain why this song sucks?
4. "Christmas Shoes": What a horrible piece of glurge. Such a godawful pile of dreck. Actually, I think Patton Oswalt has a pretty good take on why this song is so bad.
3. "Dominic the Donkey" by Lou Monte: What was this guy smoking when he wrote this song? A Christmas donkey, seriously? WTF? What's wrong with the damn reindeer? They can fly, but they can't get through mountains? That's bullcrap. And to boot, this is one of those songs that jumps into your head and then stays there all day, no matter how much you hate it. Bonus suck points for that.
2. "Feliz Navidad": Another ridiculously catchy, ridiculously bad song, which is a double-whammy. I mean, come on. One, we live in America, so speak English, or possibly Latin since it's Christmas time. And two, write some more words, dammit! This whole song only consists of two lines' worth of lyrics!
1. "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" by the Jackson 5: Y'know, I like Michael Jackson, but whenever I hear this song (which seems to be on every retail outlet's playlist, so it's unescapable), I want to reach back in time and strangle little-kid-Michael. Shut up, kid! First of all, you don't have to keep telling us "I did, I really did!" We get it. You saw Mommy kissing Santa. We believe you, really. Now shut up. And plus, why is he so excited about this? Think about it: He just saw his mom making out with Santa, while his dad's asleep. Mommy's cheating on Daddy, and Santa's a homewrecker! Why are you so excited about that, kid?
Here are my top five suckiest holiday songs, counting down (and let's just leave Justin Bieber out of this -- let's just acknowledge that we all know he sucks, so we don't need to include anything from his holiday album here):
5. "Jingle Bells" by the Singing Dogs: It's fricking dogs. Fricking dogs barking. Do I really have to explain why this song sucks?
4. "Christmas Shoes": What a horrible piece of glurge. Such a godawful pile of dreck. Actually, I think Patton Oswalt has a pretty good take on why this song is so bad.
3. "Dominic the Donkey" by Lou Monte: What was this guy smoking when he wrote this song? A Christmas donkey, seriously? WTF? What's wrong with the damn reindeer? They can fly, but they can't get through mountains? That's bullcrap. And to boot, this is one of those songs that jumps into your head and then stays there all day, no matter how much you hate it. Bonus suck points for that.
2. "Feliz Navidad": Another ridiculously catchy, ridiculously bad song, which is a double-whammy. I mean, come on. One, we live in America, so speak English, or possibly Latin since it's Christmas time. And two, write some more words, dammit! This whole song only consists of two lines' worth of lyrics!
1. "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" by the Jackson 5: Y'know, I like Michael Jackson, but whenever I hear this song (which seems to be on every retail outlet's playlist, so it's unescapable), I want to reach back in time and strangle little-kid-Michael. Shut up, kid! First of all, you don't have to keep telling us "I did, I really did!" We get it. You saw Mommy kissing Santa. We believe you, really. Now shut up. And plus, why is he so excited about this? Think about it: He just saw his mom making out with Santa, while his dad's asleep. Mommy's cheating on Daddy, and Santa's a homewrecker! Why are you so excited about that, kid?