being here
I become more and more of a recluse.
Once you stay away from people for long enough it becomes increasingly harder to go out consciously. I mean it's not about problems while you're out shopping or talking to people whom you don't know, it's that I am more and more shut within myself. I don't care about those people. And then there are moments when I'm in tears because there is so much emotion in me, emotion for everybody, for no one, for people in general, and there is no place to put it.
I've been thinking that it's fine, I mean I don't have to be with others, I don't really need people, I don't need anyone to talk to, or to take notice of whether I got out of bed today at all. It's my life. It's not much at all. And I know it never will be anything more than that. And I don't need anyone to meddle. It's better that way because it will make it less problematic to leave one day when I feel like it.
And then there are days like today when I die of loneliness, die of surfing the net, getting stupid ideas, die of looking at communities and pathetically refreshing sites and duh...
None of this is a good reaction to the depression of loneliness. They're both just extremes. I'm trying to get rid of the dependance of other peoples attention, but it seems I'm stuck with it, caught in my own head creating and recreating my own misery. Whenever I think I'm closer to freedom, I feel like I'm letting go completely. There must be some ground in between, at least a thin line to live on.
I was trying to watch Neon Genesis Evangelion today. But then I couldn't. So many years and still I can't.
I must get myself rebuilt or I will die.
_______________
Picture under the cut may be triggering.
Once you stay away from people for long enough it becomes increasingly harder to go out consciously. I mean it's not about problems while you're out shopping or talking to people whom you don't know, it's that I am more and more shut within myself. I don't care about those people. And then there are moments when I'm in tears because there is so much emotion in me, emotion for everybody, for no one, for people in general, and there is no place to put it.
I've been thinking that it's fine, I mean I don't have to be with others, I don't really need people, I don't need anyone to talk to, or to take notice of whether I got out of bed today at all. It's my life. It's not much at all. And I know it never will be anything more than that. And I don't need anyone to meddle. It's better that way because it will make it less problematic to leave one day when I feel like it.
And then there are days like today when I die of loneliness, die of surfing the net, getting stupid ideas, die of looking at communities and pathetically refreshing sites and duh...
None of this is a good reaction to the depression of loneliness. They're both just extremes. I'm trying to get rid of the dependance of other peoples attention, but it seems I'm stuck with it, caught in my own head creating and recreating my own misery. Whenever I think I'm closer to freedom, I feel like I'm letting go completely. There must be some ground in between, at least a thin line to live on.
I was trying to watch Neon Genesis Evangelion today. But then I couldn't. So many years and still I can't.
I must get myself rebuilt or I will die.
_______________
Picture under the cut may be triggering.