Warning: Whiny Post
I do 99 things right, and 1 thing wrong.
With that one mistake, I am pounded, throttled, ultimately mashed to a pulp, and everything I do is watched and picked on. I am defined by that single mistake, instead of trusted for the 99 times I got it right. Yes, I know we must concentrate more on our wrongs than our rights, so that we can improve on them, but that can seriously go too far.
As much as I say they can't let it go, I know I too cannot let their words and accusations and distrust go, even when I know that I am doing the best I can, with the best intention and yes, sometimes I am lazy, I makes mistakes, I fall, I stumble, and I am stubborn. It isn't one sided, I definitely could improve my approach and attitude. But give a girl a break! A girl like me who has been studying and useful all her life, working hard, doing the "right things", suddenly in a situation where she is little more than a clerk. It's not something I'll get used to in a short period of time. I am still glad for the opportunity because a lot more soul searching has taken place this year than ever before, but I feel like my time here is limited.
All I want is simple, peaceful communication, no blame, no anger, no fear... just acceptance that yes, I made a mistake, but No, I will not be defined by it. Positive reinforcement has been proven to work, not negative. Nothing done out of fear of redemption is ever pure. Somehow they are allowed to be angry and emotional, pretending it is some other kind of righteous indignation, denying their inner truths- but no, I am not allowed to show how I really feel, because I am but a mere human and these emotions are useless.
Emotion is my poison.
When someone thinks the world revolves around them, shut off in their little cocoon, sheltered by those who love them and therefore find it difficult to gain perspective, difficult to tell them what is really happening (in which case, they wouldn't listen anyway), where do we draw the line? Just like the respected, older doctor who is an expert in their field, but starts to falter for whatever reason- it takes months to years before his peers will admit to themselves or to him that something is wrong. Like the family and friends of the patient slowly dissolving into psychosis who take longer than expected to seek help, to try to give insight to the person- humans are so complex in their intentions, desires, needs, wants, behaviours due to past experience- we naturally try to avoid admitting that something is wrong. Pride factors in too- if I was wrong all this time, what does that mean I am? I've seen all this in a hospital setting, but it definitely applies to every situation that involves more than one human being.
People can push you over the edge, that is for sure. Pushers drive me insane. I don't need something to be repeated to me 50 million times- in fact, if that is done, my brain goes into overdrive and I shut out everything I hear, including the lesson the person is trying to impart. Just say it once, I think I'm intelligent enough to understand it and absorb it peaceably, in my own time. A child that gets smacked for eating a cookie, doesn't remember why he got smacked, just the smack. Then again, I wonder, is the Universe pushing me, challenging me, poking me where it knows I hurt, so that I will eventually throw up my hands and surrender? The old cliche about only getting what you can handle. So it is a constant conflict in me, the spiritual theories I've learned, vs the understanding of the human experience. They don't always go hand in hand in the early stages of the journey.
My mind, if one could draw a picture of it, would be a mass of crazy colours, zooming around frantically, blurry, always active. I feel like it is a fuzz of thoughts, never ceasing, confused. I am not a clear thinker at the moment, for various reasons, but I realise I've never been a very clear thinker. I have to sit down, verbalise, write or draw before I can visualise things clearly and get on with the job. This meant, when I worked as an intern, a lot of notes, flow charts and point form plans. In turn, this helped me to better quickly form these clearer ideas without using physical tools. I know I need my mind to be a sea of calm, gorgeous colours working in harmony, clear thought fish jumping out of the water when required. But these things, like all things, take practice, time and patience.
Fake it till you make it? I'm not sure if this really works, but I have to keep trying. Smile. Be Happy. Even when you totally are not. At the same time, taking stock of your emotion NOW and dealing with it, internally. When I think about how people react to me, I realise that their behaviour is merely a reflection of my inner self and attitude, my Ego. Every fault or judgement I make of someone else, is only a reflection of my own faults and idiosyncracies. We can only teach or inspire by example, and even then, without the INTENTION to inspire.
If I put on a happy demeanour and work on my insides so I am truly happy, if I'm constantly cheery and only deal with emotions in my quiet moments with friends who understand.. this happiness becomes infectious and even someone who is angry at me because I have done something wrong, won't stay angry for long. I've definitely seen this work- I have friends who I admire for their very ability to constantly spread cheer, warmth and love everywhere they go- no one can be negative around them for more than two seconds.
I know the average therapist would not agree with this, but then again, I have worked with therapists and psych patients, and heck, I was practically a psychologist as an intern!! (trust me, social and emotional issues took up most of my time on the ward) so.. I don't think a lot of the western framework for psychology works. Look at how many people relapse into depression.. very high percentages. There has to be another way.
Someone once said to me that I try very hard to be happy, instead of just BEING happy. I would agree with that, but I think it's something worth working hard for if it doesn't come naturally.
Love
With that one mistake, I am pounded, throttled, ultimately mashed to a pulp, and everything I do is watched and picked on. I am defined by that single mistake, instead of trusted for the 99 times I got it right. Yes, I know we must concentrate more on our wrongs than our rights, so that we can improve on them, but that can seriously go too far.
As much as I say they can't let it go, I know I too cannot let their words and accusations and distrust go, even when I know that I am doing the best I can, with the best intention and yes, sometimes I am lazy, I makes mistakes, I fall, I stumble, and I am stubborn. It isn't one sided, I definitely could improve my approach and attitude. But give a girl a break! A girl like me who has been studying and useful all her life, working hard, doing the "right things", suddenly in a situation where she is little more than a clerk. It's not something I'll get used to in a short period of time. I am still glad for the opportunity because a lot more soul searching has taken place this year than ever before, but I feel like my time here is limited.
All I want is simple, peaceful communication, no blame, no anger, no fear... just acceptance that yes, I made a mistake, but No, I will not be defined by it. Positive reinforcement has been proven to work, not negative. Nothing done out of fear of redemption is ever pure. Somehow they are allowed to be angry and emotional, pretending it is some other kind of righteous indignation, denying their inner truths- but no, I am not allowed to show how I really feel, because I am but a mere human and these emotions are useless.
Emotion is my poison.
When someone thinks the world revolves around them, shut off in their little cocoon, sheltered by those who love them and therefore find it difficult to gain perspective, difficult to tell them what is really happening (in which case, they wouldn't listen anyway), where do we draw the line? Just like the respected, older doctor who is an expert in their field, but starts to falter for whatever reason- it takes months to years before his peers will admit to themselves or to him that something is wrong. Like the family and friends of the patient slowly dissolving into psychosis who take longer than expected to seek help, to try to give insight to the person- humans are so complex in their intentions, desires, needs, wants, behaviours due to past experience- we naturally try to avoid admitting that something is wrong. Pride factors in too- if I was wrong all this time, what does that mean I am? I've seen all this in a hospital setting, but it definitely applies to every situation that involves more than one human being.
People can push you over the edge, that is for sure. Pushers drive me insane. I don't need something to be repeated to me 50 million times- in fact, if that is done, my brain goes into overdrive and I shut out everything I hear, including the lesson the person is trying to impart. Just say it once, I think I'm intelligent enough to understand it and absorb it peaceably, in my own time. A child that gets smacked for eating a cookie, doesn't remember why he got smacked, just the smack. Then again, I wonder, is the Universe pushing me, challenging me, poking me where it knows I hurt, so that I will eventually throw up my hands and surrender? The old cliche about only getting what you can handle. So it is a constant conflict in me, the spiritual theories I've learned, vs the understanding of the human experience. They don't always go hand in hand in the early stages of the journey.
My mind, if one could draw a picture of it, would be a mass of crazy colours, zooming around frantically, blurry, always active. I feel like it is a fuzz of thoughts, never ceasing, confused. I am not a clear thinker at the moment, for various reasons, but I realise I've never been a very clear thinker. I have to sit down, verbalise, write or draw before I can visualise things clearly and get on with the job. This meant, when I worked as an intern, a lot of notes, flow charts and point form plans. In turn, this helped me to better quickly form these clearer ideas without using physical tools. I know I need my mind to be a sea of calm, gorgeous colours working in harmony, clear thought fish jumping out of the water when required. But these things, like all things, take practice, time and patience.
Fake it till you make it? I'm not sure if this really works, but I have to keep trying. Smile. Be Happy. Even when you totally are not. At the same time, taking stock of your emotion NOW and dealing with it, internally. When I think about how people react to me, I realise that their behaviour is merely a reflection of my inner self and attitude, my Ego. Every fault or judgement I make of someone else, is only a reflection of my own faults and idiosyncracies. We can only teach or inspire by example, and even then, without the INTENTION to inspire.
If I put on a happy demeanour and work on my insides so I am truly happy, if I'm constantly cheery and only deal with emotions in my quiet moments with friends who understand.. this happiness becomes infectious and even someone who is angry at me because I have done something wrong, won't stay angry for long. I've definitely seen this work- I have friends who I admire for their very ability to constantly spread cheer, warmth and love everywhere they go- no one can be negative around them for more than two seconds.
I know the average therapist would not agree with this, but then again, I have worked with therapists and psych patients, and heck, I was practically a psychologist as an intern!! (trust me, social and emotional issues took up most of my time on the ward) so.. I don't think a lot of the western framework for psychology works. Look at how many people relapse into depression.. very high percentages. There has to be another way.
Someone once said to me that I try very hard to be happy, instead of just BEING happy. I would agree with that, but I think it's something worth working hard for if it doesn't come naturally.
Love