(no subject)
I am so stressed out. I don't know how to relax. This is a problem I've been having recently, not being able to relax. I'm starting to wonder if it's really just not wanting to relax.
Couldn't have said it any better myself
Nathan keeps poking fun at me about being fat. Like it's totally not something I'm insecure about already. That boy is fucking tiny. He says he doesn't mean anything by it, that it's a joke, but whatever. I've been concerned recently about how much weight I've put on since moving back to Seattle. I'm not really sure what to do about it, though. I mean, go to the gym and try and eat healthier are the obvious solutions, but it's not really like an actual plan. So I guess I just start with doing something until I figure out what is the right thing to be doing.
He made some mention about how we don't really have sex anymore, and asked if it wasn't good. He's a guy, I understand this is an insecurity guys have. However, if he quit calling me fat and made me feel like he actually wanted me around, made me feel better, maybe he wouldn't feel so insecure. I don't feel terribly empathetic when he asks me questions like that, especially because I don't really feel like he has anything to be insecure about. I think I spend a lot of time just stewing over mean things he's said to me.
He went to Vegas last weekend with his family. I was originally invited by his mother, but then was not. I was pretty pissed off. Not so much because I wanted to go, but because of the way I ended up not going- really passive aggressive and backhanded. He was gone for two days/two nights, and the whole time I just felt like my world was crashing down around me. I fucking bawled when he left, and I was so happy when he got back. However, shortly after his return, we got into a stupid argument, like we always do. We always have to make everything a bigger deal than it always is. And it really makes me think that I have an unhealthy attachment to him. I need to get out of this situation. I have no independence and I feel like I can never do anything good enough for him.
I'm fucking scared to death about school next quarter. I told him, and he just poo-pooed it. His dad went back to school in his 30s, he tells me, it's not a big deal. But it is a big deal. This is not what I want to be doing. I only applied to schools because he paid me to. I still spent a hell of a lot of time writing those stupid entrance papers, though. Going to school next quarter at some university that I really don't care about is not my plan for life. I want to go back to Japan. I want to go back to school in Japan. And starting school here is not really enabling me to go back to school there. Spending money I don't have, cutting into time I could be earning money, it doesn't seem right. But he doesn't get it. Just tells me he's not the best person to talk to about this. I agree. Doesn't really make me feel any better, though. Can't even fucking talk to him about the biggest decision in my life right now. It's a big issue that I'm totally stressed about; no wonder we keep bickering about everything.
Couldn't have said it any better myself
Nathan keeps poking fun at me about being fat. Like it's totally not something I'm insecure about already. That boy is fucking tiny. He says he doesn't mean anything by it, that it's a joke, but whatever. I've been concerned recently about how much weight I've put on since moving back to Seattle. I'm not really sure what to do about it, though. I mean, go to the gym and try and eat healthier are the obvious solutions, but it's not really like an actual plan. So I guess I just start with doing something until I figure out what is the right thing to be doing.
He made some mention about how we don't really have sex anymore, and asked if it wasn't good. He's a guy, I understand this is an insecurity guys have. However, if he quit calling me fat and made me feel like he actually wanted me around, made me feel better, maybe he wouldn't feel so insecure. I don't feel terribly empathetic when he asks me questions like that, especially because I don't really feel like he has anything to be insecure about. I think I spend a lot of time just stewing over mean things he's said to me.
He went to Vegas last weekend with his family. I was originally invited by his mother, but then was not. I was pretty pissed off. Not so much because I wanted to go, but because of the way I ended up not going- really passive aggressive and backhanded. He was gone for two days/two nights, and the whole time I just felt like my world was crashing down around me. I fucking bawled when he left, and I was so happy when he got back. However, shortly after his return, we got into a stupid argument, like we always do. We always have to make everything a bigger deal than it always is. And it really makes me think that I have an unhealthy attachment to him. I need to get out of this situation. I have no independence and I feel like I can never do anything good enough for him.
I'm fucking scared to death about school next quarter. I told him, and he just poo-pooed it. His dad went back to school in his 30s, he tells me, it's not a big deal. But it is a big deal. This is not what I want to be doing. I only applied to schools because he paid me to. I still spent a hell of a lot of time writing those stupid entrance papers, though. Going to school next quarter at some university that I really don't care about is not my plan for life. I want to go back to Japan. I want to go back to school in Japan. And starting school here is not really enabling me to go back to school there. Spending money I don't have, cutting into time I could be earning money, it doesn't seem right. But he doesn't get it. Just tells me he's not the best person to talk to about this. I agree. Doesn't really make me feel any better, though. Can't even fucking talk to him about the biggest decision in my life right now. It's a big issue that I'm totally stressed about; no wonder we keep bickering about everything.