(no subject)
so I know I don't really write here too much but today I need to.
we put up our tree today, with ornaments and all that, decorated the house, too. usually I love it. but this year's different. alex didn't come over. and helping this year is my mom's new fiance. he's an okay guy. not particularly charitable, heartfelt, goodlooking, or charismatic, but bright. and he really loves my mom. and that's about it. he always talks about his new family and then tells my mom he's so glad her and hollie are in his life. he treats me like a passing cousin or something, because that's all I am to the new family. today at dinner he tried again to hurry my mom in moving to san francisco. he knows the only reason she's not is my brother and me, and a couple of her friends here. that hurt more than I thought it would.
you'd think that by now I'm used to my family changing. hell I've come home and found strange people living in my house or sleeping in my bed. I've had my mom move away for months at a time and come back engaged. but I'm not.
this would be all different if my mom took me aside and assured me that she still wanted me to be in her life, and vice-versa. all she's said to me is that she really looks forward to her new family with him and hollie.
they all love using the words new family.
but I want my mom to be happy. and she is with him, at least right now. and hollie...god she needs a dad more than anything, and I hope he could be that dad for her. I'm seventeen, I should be grown up. I should be able to let go of my mom, I've had to do it before. I don't want to play the bitter, resentful stepchild card. I haven't before, and god, never with my stepmom.
I wish I could talk to my mom about things like this
I hear a family downstairs and today I wish I belonged to one. I wish I belonged to somebody, or with somebody, for someone to need me and want me.
I know I'm gonna regret writing this down but it helped crystallize my thoughts
everything will look better when I wake up tomorrow
we put up our tree today, with ornaments and all that, decorated the house, too. usually I love it. but this year's different. alex didn't come over. and helping this year is my mom's new fiance. he's an okay guy. not particularly charitable, heartfelt, goodlooking, or charismatic, but bright. and he really loves my mom. and that's about it. he always talks about his new family and then tells my mom he's so glad her and hollie are in his life. he treats me like a passing cousin or something, because that's all I am to the new family. today at dinner he tried again to hurry my mom in moving to san francisco. he knows the only reason she's not is my brother and me, and a couple of her friends here. that hurt more than I thought it would.
you'd think that by now I'm used to my family changing. hell I've come home and found strange people living in my house or sleeping in my bed. I've had my mom move away for months at a time and come back engaged. but I'm not.
this would be all different if my mom took me aside and assured me that she still wanted me to be in her life, and vice-versa. all she's said to me is that she really looks forward to her new family with him and hollie.
they all love using the words new family.
but I want my mom to be happy. and she is with him, at least right now. and hollie...god she needs a dad more than anything, and I hope he could be that dad for her. I'm seventeen, I should be grown up. I should be able to let go of my mom, I've had to do it before. I don't want to play the bitter, resentful stepchild card. I haven't before, and god, never with my stepmom.
I wish I could talk to my mom about things like this
I hear a family downstairs and today I wish I belonged to one. I wish I belonged to somebody, or with somebody, for someone to need me and want me.
I know I'm gonna regret writing this down but it helped crystallize my thoughts
everything will look better when I wake up tomorrow