The Wake of the Walk

[karmasoup]

DEPARTURE

There’ve been so many problems in my life that could have been solved by walking. So many cases where it was the right thing to do.  And certainly more situations than I care to admit to about which at times since I’ve wished I’d done it sooner.  But it was always a hard decision to be faced with, and never the easiest option available

Comments

[karmasoup]

To some extent, I don't know that I ever really had to work to forgive her. The notion emblazened on my brain about abandonment was entirely subconscious, as I didn't ever realize we'd been abandoned until years later when my brother told me. I remember her calling us all to her and issuing a tearful farewell, explaining why she had to leave (though I don't remember the details), and I remember the child welfare people being at the door - I thought for the first half of my life those two things happened at the same time. I had memories of her being absent, and wishing she was around, but my brain had squeezed the gaps together, and I'd just thought she was always working. So I didn't grow up feeling abandoned on a conscious level, it just worked itself into the way I reacted to others in a way it took me some time to understand.

By the time I knew she'd actually abandoned us, I'd already grown into an understanding of how dysfunctional she was, and recognized that even in my late teens, I was the adult in the relationship. I'm not saying people with PSD/BPD can't be functional parents, but that would have taken an earlier diagnosis and treatment, which just wasn't all that common back then. When I found out, it messed me up a bit, but at that point it was just one more thing in her life she'd screwed up, but wouldn't take responsibility for, and it didn't impact me quite as much as it did my brother and older sister.