Relevant To My Life
It's been a while since I've posted something happy. It's a problem I've always had. Looking through my old journals, I find that either I have a very short attention span and never develop my thoughts or I only write when I'm depressed (or dysthymic, I guess the more correct term would be). That really isn't the way I want to remember myself. I may be the only one who reads my musings, but I am one tough critic.
I have a day off from school tomorrow, which is a blessing, since my teachers are piling on the essays to ensure that everything gets done before the break. I think I even have a test thrown in there too, somewhere. It's annoying and frustrating and all those other negative adjectives, and I can't wait for the Winter Break so I have time to relax, brush up on my French, and start writing that fic that has been poking at my brain every night ever since I stumbled across that prompt on the kink meme. I literally fall asleep to hurt/comfort Klaine, but then I wake up in the morning and realize that I don't have time to actually write anything. So, yes, I'm really looking forward to that. I'm planning on making it a multi-chaptered fic (!!!) and I probably won't finish it in time but now the idea's out there, I need to at least start. Eventually.
School has been rough and crowded and just so damn tiring, not only the people, but the outrageous amounts of homework I get, and all the clubs that I'm a part of. Monday is Writer's Block and I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I hate that club, but I'd feel bad quitting because I signed up last year but never showed up (my second period class always ran into lunch because it took place three blocks away). I'm not really meant for speed writing. I need time brainstorm and write and go back and edit and all that fun stuff, but there just isn't enough time during lunch to do all that before the president is standing up and asking us if we want so share our work. I've been taught throughout my entire school career that you need to go through multiple drafts of work before you ever submit it, and it's just too ingrained for me to let it go. So I sit and I write and I mentally chastise myself for never once being able to share something because my mind keeps screaming at me that my words are shit.
Tuesdays, I'm vice president of French Club and I'm pretty much the most incompetent one ever. The president does all the work and I just show up and smile. I don't even always show up because all the time because another club will happen on the same day (I'll get to that later) and I feel bad because we have so few members as it is, but the other club has even fewer members and my loyalties are constantly torn. I'm trying, I really am, but I'm just not meant for leading. If my teaching gym class last year has taught me anything, it's that I am absolutely horrible at coming up with fun new ideas. I guess I owe it to the president to try harder, but I'm not sure I really have the strength to do anything right now. We'll see.
I'm going to be honest and say that the only reason I'm even a part of Environmental Club on Wednesdays is because my friends are on the executive council. Don't get me wrong, I care about the environment and I am all for going green, but it isn't really high on my list of priorities, you know? Especially because this club is so action-based, and they have all these after school activities when all I want to do is go home and do my homework so I can sleep at a reasonable time. And I'm just so fucking clueless when it comes to that type of stuff that I never speak up at meetings and I end up sitting there eating my lunch and watching while everyone around me tries to make a difference. It's frustrating to me, because I want to help, but I don't know how. It's another case of "I should probably quit but I've already made the commitment so I won't". I really hate myself times.
Thursdays are the most draining thing ever because that's when we have Gay/Straight Alliance meetings. I'm the secretary and I have to say, honestly, our council is so fucking unorganized. We never talk to each other and we're all so busy with other things that events are never carried out because we keep forgetting to actually organize them. Last month, I took a two week break from extracurriculars because I was literally running on nothing, and when I came back, I found out that we'd missed an important meeting with the Student Action Team. One of their reps told our teacher advisor about it, but I guess he forgot. And I really wish she'd told me about it instead because I know I would've remembered, and the guilt wouldn't have been eating away at me for so long. Right now, we're planning a little media analysis seminar about Glee and there is literally zero enthusiasm about the entire thing. Our members are completely apathetic (hell, most of them don't even show up) and the rest of the executive council is just so exhausted. It just sucks, because if we, the actual club, can't muster up any energy about it, why would the school even care? It pisses me off so much because while French Club may be small, I know that there are a few members who might be willing to take over after the current execs graduate. With the GSA, yeah, there are some people who come to every meeting, but sometimes, it's like they might as well not even be there.
And finally, the third club that I'm helping organize an event for (which is taking place next Friday) even though I'm not part of the executive council (I'm just friends with the president and was in the right/wrong place at the wrong/right time): Reach for the Top. I guess to most people, it would be known as an academic decathlon, or something (basically, there's trivia and buzzers). Luckily, the pres seems to be taking charge but being a perfectionist, I still end up bugging him about every little detail to make sure it goes smoothly. And even just the regular games have lost their fun. I don't know if I'm imagining things but I've been starting to see some... sad faces, I guess. It may not even be related to Reach, but just walking into the room and seeing someone frowning is just so disheartening. One of the reasons that I tend to skip French Club for Reach is because there is no pressure. I press the buzzer and spout out random shit and rant when someone else is faster, but in the end, it's just a game, and it's all in good fun. Maybe it's because last year, our entire team always showed up so that even when they weren't actually in the game, we could switch out between rounds and cheer people on. This year, we're always scrambling to make sure we have the minimum four players. Yeah, I know everyone's busy, but out of all the clubs, this should be the most fun because there really isn't any pressure. I guess that's just me being a generally non-competitive person though. Still, I'd like to see my other team members more.
Wow, I promised myself this wouldn't be a negative post, and look what happened *sigh* I know I've said it probably five times by now, but I'm trying. I didn't talk/think about giving up while writing this post, so I guess that's a bit of an improvement. I'm hanging on by the edge of my fingertips but I'm not giving up. It gets extremely tempting at times, but I won't. Not yet.
I have a day off from school tomorrow, which is a blessing, since my teachers are piling on the essays to ensure that everything gets done before the break. I think I even have a test thrown in there too, somewhere. It's annoying and frustrating and all those other negative adjectives, and I can't wait for the Winter Break so I have time to relax, brush up on my French, and start writing that fic that has been poking at my brain every night ever since I stumbled across that prompt on the kink meme. I literally fall asleep to hurt/comfort Klaine, but then I wake up in the morning and realize that I don't have time to actually write anything. So, yes, I'm really looking forward to that. I'm planning on making it a multi-chaptered fic (!!!) and I probably won't finish it in time but now the idea's out there, I need to at least start. Eventually.
School has been rough and crowded and just so damn tiring, not only the people, but the outrageous amounts of homework I get, and all the clubs that I'm a part of. Monday is Writer's Block and I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I hate that club, but I'd feel bad quitting because I signed up last year but never showed up (my second period class always ran into lunch because it took place three blocks away). I'm not really meant for speed writing. I need time brainstorm and write and go back and edit and all that fun stuff, but there just isn't enough time during lunch to do all that before the president is standing up and asking us if we want so share our work. I've been taught throughout my entire school career that you need to go through multiple drafts of work before you ever submit it, and it's just too ingrained for me to let it go. So I sit and I write and I mentally chastise myself for never once being able to share something because my mind keeps screaming at me that my words are shit.
Tuesdays, I'm vice president of French Club and I'm pretty much the most incompetent one ever. The president does all the work and I just show up and smile. I don't even always show up because all the time because another club will happen on the same day (I'll get to that later) and I feel bad because we have so few members as it is, but the other club has even fewer members and my loyalties are constantly torn. I'm trying, I really am, but I'm just not meant for leading. If my teaching gym class last year has taught me anything, it's that I am absolutely horrible at coming up with fun new ideas. I guess I owe it to the president to try harder, but I'm not sure I really have the strength to do anything right now. We'll see.
I'm going to be honest and say that the only reason I'm even a part of Environmental Club on Wednesdays is because my friends are on the executive council. Don't get me wrong, I care about the environment and I am all for going green, but it isn't really high on my list of priorities, you know? Especially because this club is so action-based, and they have all these after school activities when all I want to do is go home and do my homework so I can sleep at a reasonable time. And I'm just so fucking clueless when it comes to that type of stuff that I never speak up at meetings and I end up sitting there eating my lunch and watching while everyone around me tries to make a difference. It's frustrating to me, because I want to help, but I don't know how. It's another case of "I should probably quit but I've already made the commitment so I won't". I really hate myself times.
Thursdays are the most draining thing ever because that's when we have Gay/Straight Alliance meetings. I'm the secretary and I have to say, honestly, our council is so fucking unorganized. We never talk to each other and we're all so busy with other things that events are never carried out because we keep forgetting to actually organize them. Last month, I took a two week break from extracurriculars because I was literally running on nothing, and when I came back, I found out that we'd missed an important meeting with the Student Action Team. One of their reps told our teacher advisor about it, but I guess he forgot. And I really wish she'd told me about it instead because I know I would've remembered, and the guilt wouldn't have been eating away at me for so long. Right now, we're planning a little media analysis seminar about Glee and there is literally zero enthusiasm about the entire thing. Our members are completely apathetic (hell, most of them don't even show up) and the rest of the executive council is just so exhausted. It just sucks, because if we, the actual club, can't muster up any energy about it, why would the school even care? It pisses me off so much because while French Club may be small, I know that there are a few members who might be willing to take over after the current execs graduate. With the GSA, yeah, there are some people who come to every meeting, but sometimes, it's like they might as well not even be there.
And finally, the third club that I'm helping organize an event for (which is taking place next Friday) even though I'm not part of the executive council (I'm just friends with the president and was in the right/wrong place at the wrong/right time): Reach for the Top. I guess to most people, it would be known as an academic decathlon, or something (basically, there's trivia and buzzers). Luckily, the pres seems to be taking charge but being a perfectionist, I still end up bugging him about every little detail to make sure it goes smoothly. And even just the regular games have lost their fun. I don't know if I'm imagining things but I've been starting to see some... sad faces, I guess. It may not even be related to Reach, but just walking into the room and seeing someone frowning is just so disheartening. One of the reasons that I tend to skip French Club for Reach is because there is no pressure. I press the buzzer and spout out random shit and rant when someone else is faster, but in the end, it's just a game, and it's all in good fun. Maybe it's because last year, our entire team always showed up so that even when they weren't actually in the game, we could switch out between rounds and cheer people on. This year, we're always scrambling to make sure we have the minimum four players. Yeah, I know everyone's busy, but out of all the clubs, this should be the most fun because there really isn't any pressure. I guess that's just me being a generally non-competitive person though. Still, I'd like to see my other team members more.
Wow, I promised myself this wouldn't be a negative post, and look what happened *sigh* I know I've said it probably five times by now, but I'm trying. I didn't talk/think about giving up while writing this post, so I guess that's a bit of an improvement. I'm hanging on by the edge of my fingertips but I'm not giving up. It gets extremely tempting at times, but I won't. Not yet.