Update In Bullet Point Format
I've kept my thoughts somewhat to myself lately. Been caught up in the facebook trend of short little snippets that are much more frequent but in the end much more shallow. Barely grazing the surface of what's going on. The medium doesn't allow for anything else.
I don't even know where to really begin. I'm exhausted but can't sleep. Too much buzzing around but it's not so much in my head as it is in my heart and my gut. October was incredible in so many ways, and then by the end of it all I felt like I'd been emotionally beaten until I couldn't be hit anymore. Just every ounce of...soul had been drained out of me. And the only thing that remains is the knowledge that it's not done with yet.
So bear with me while I try to gather this jumble of half understood thoughts and piece them all together.
So October...yeah. I thought that October was going to blow the roof off my word and change everything. I kept saying over and over again that I had nothing left that I wasn't too scared to lose, and that I was ready for whatever was in store. I got that in spades all in a really short span of time. I'm still experiencing the ripples of it all, and again I know that it's not done yet. But it was all such a learning process. I made new friends who I had such hopes for. It seemed like the beginnign of something really grand, and two weeks later they were gone. Caught in a whirlwind of dramatics that threatened to suck me in as well if I had let it. I admit I did a bit, but not as much as I could have. I was saddened by the ending though. All my life I've been the girl who comes upon a community just as it is ending. As if my place in this life is to be the observer.
It's a vital role. Every grand ending has to be witnessed by someone who is new to it. Those who have always been in its mix are too entrenched to see the beauty of what the community is, and therefore too engrossed in its demise to understand the tragedy of it's ending. And without someone to feel those things the ends would just be ends. They wouldn't mean anything. No one would want to remember them, and when we stop wanting to remember the end, we stop remembering any of it at all. So that seems to be my role.
The effect though is that I couldn't tell you the last time I felt "home". The last time that I wasn't overwhelmed by the knowledge that everything was just transient. Ties formed would be broken. Love would be lost. Nothing would last forever and eventually it all returns to dust. Being the one who knows that, who sees it....everything becomes tinged with it. Like seeing pictures in sepia tone. You know the events are real but already they are the most imaginary of things: memories.
I think what is drainging me the most is something that started in the middle of October, but that I didn't realize fully until a few weeks ago.
The first moment I saw what was happening was The Day of the Dead.
On Nov 1st I scattered my mom's ashes. I only told three peope that I was doing it, and up until now I'd only told a handful of people that I'd done it at all. Two and a half years she waited, and finally that day I woke up knowing that I was ready to say goodbye. It was a beautiful fall day. The kind she would have just loved. I went to a place that is sacred to me, and honoured her wishes as best I could. I performed a small ritual that was mostly composed of whatever came to me, and I said my goodbyes. It felt right. It felt peaceful and I know that I did the best I could by her.
I asked one person to be there with me that day.
When mom died there were all of these people asking to go with me when I scattered her ashes.But I always knew it was something private. Something I needed to do on my own and with the one other person who I would have wanted to have with me at that moment. So when the day came I called and let them know what I was doing through voicemail, but I never heard back. Not even a call to say they couldn't make it. Just nothing. And that stung.
So the rest really quickly (I know three months really quickly seems silly, but I'm trying to make it easy on you.
Halloween saw me at the newly renamed "Kotler Memorial One Act Festival for Middle Schools" as a judge. This is the competition that my mom started several years ago. When she and another teacher started there were two schools, and no other competition in the state for middle schools. This past year there were about 15 schools and the competition had two regional and a state level. Next year they're looking into a third region and expanding to somewhere between 25-30 schools. It's really crazy. Being there as "Elaine's daughter" was very surreal.
Already talked about the day of the dead.
After that we had Ren's birthday on the 13th. I can't believe my little boy is two years old! We had a quiet family get together with Rudi's family. I haven't been able to get him down to my grandparents.
The next day I went to the state level of the one act competition I mentioned above. They had asked me to speak at the re-dedication ceremony where they officially renamed the competition after my mom. They gave me a plaque which I then passed onto the folks from the Tavern that were there. I need to go by there and see where they've got it hanging up.
Somewhere in the midst of all of this I had a conversation with The Professor that was very cleansing and I got alot of closure on all of that.
Thanksgiving was quiet. At the last minute I decided to go to my grandparents after all. It was a shell of the thanksgivings I remember as a child. Holidays hurt now because I can feel mom's absence all the more. It is amazing how much life she brought ot those holidays. Something I never really understood until she wasn't there anymore.
Dec was the hardest time I've had in a very long time.
On the good side the big Carter Christmas Party was amazing this year. The best time I've had in a long while. ;-D I'd found a dress at a thrift store and a friend had helped me add black lace to it. It looked amazing. I wore a feathered hair clip that I had made myself and I felt beautiful. I started to feel like my old self again in many good ways.
Just before the party I'd found out a friend was sick. So on the spur of the moment I texted him asking if I could come by. I took him a bag full of things to make him feel better: homemade chilli, pomegranate juice, echinacea drops, tangerines, and a homemade apple pie (his favorite). I also gave him his christmas present early. We settled in and watched movies for most of the evening. Not talking about much, just being quiet and taking care of one another. Again one of the better nights I've had in a long time. I love being able to do things like that for the people i care about. And it warmed my heart to make him smile. ;-)
Mid December brought Neil Gaiman to Atlanta. I'd gotten my ticket at the store and then spent about an hour calling in to get a ticket for a friend. Again it made me happier getting the ticket for the friend than it did getting the ticket for myself. I do things for myself all the time. I give myself special treatment. It's not like I don't acknowledge my needs or anything but the truth about myself is that I am happier when I'm doing something for someone else. It brings me the greatest joy and the greatest peace when I can do someting for someone I care for. Alot of people don't understand that. They misinterpret what I mean, but after years of fighting it and thinking that it was somehow unhealthy I'm starting to realize that really the fact that other people can't understand it is what's unhealthy. I like that part of myself.
The event was amazing. Sadly my friend couldn't go. i was disappointed, but I chatted with folks that I had been standing in line with and ran into another friend of mine who came and stood in line with me. The talk was really great. neil answered one of my questions which made me feel really cool. And he was charming as could be. He read from two of his short children's novels and then signed things for folks. I had a copy of "the Graveyard Book" that I got when I got my ticket as well as my "Who Killed Amanda Palmer" vinyl. The book I asked him to sign for the friend who hadn't been able to come (he drew a tombstone then put my friend's name on it, and signed it underneath). When he signed my vinyl he said he believed that this was the very first one he'd ever signed (again I felt cool). :-D It's very cute he signed it "Lena- I did." which amuses me. next time Amanda Palmer is in town I'll take it and have her sign it as well. I'll be curious as to what she'll write in response.
That was pretty much the end of the good times in December. Shortly after that I lost my car (unpleasant story. let's just go with "lena doesn't have a prius anymore") and have been dealing with not having a car since. Rudi's truck is dead so we're both without transportation of any kind. This meant that I didn't go to my grandparents for Christmas. Render ended up going out to Rudi's family on Christmas Eve and spent all of Christmas and most of the weekend out there. I essentially skipped Christmas.
I woke up Christmas Eve morning to a message from my Aunt that my grandfather's appendix had had to be removed very early that morning. He spent almost the rest of the year in the hospital (I think he was finally dischared on the 30th?) So my entire family basically cancelled Christmas. My grandparents were in the hospital and the rest of my family wasn't coming anyway. Everyone's since exchanged presents except for Ren and I because I haven't been able to get to my grandparents. It sucks.
Oh, and just before Christmas and the whole car thing I got into a fight with my best friend. We'd been having problems for a long time. Since the summer. I kept saying to her over the fall "I feel like we're drifting apart. I'm worried about us" and she would always just say "we're fine. there's no problem" even when i said to her "Look the fact that I'm saying there's a probelm and you're saying there's not PROVES that there's a problem" she still didn't hear me. Then a situation arose where she was buying my washer and dryer....and well...we all know the saying about money and friends being a very bad mix.
Things exploded pretty quickly and has resulted in us not speaking since. I feel that on my half I have done what I can do to save this relationship. I spent months trying to get her to see what was happening and to talk with me. To try and figure it out. I made plans for us to just hang out and have coffee to try and get back on some good footing, and it never seemed to work even i was heard at all. At one point her not hearing me had gone to such an extreme that it was manifesting itself literally. I would say something to her and she would have completel misheard what I had said. Forcing me to repeat myself over and over again until it just seemed pointless to even try.
That's how I felt about the friendship. That's how I feel about the friendship. Maybe that's cold. Maybe this seems petty of whatever, but I also know that since that argument this friend hasn't tried to talk to me either. She hasn't reached out to me at all. So maybe she's done as well. still sucks though.
Right after Christmas I had an argument with another friend. This one I admit was silly. A text message got sent and replied to and I took the reply personally and just went off. There were alot of factors that went into that moment that had nothing to do with either of us. And both of us were guilty of taking things out on each other that had nothing to do with us. But things were written and at some point I said "you're not worth it" and was told "I'm done" and for some reason.....we were done.
I have been arguing for years with this friend. We have had the most amazing moments together. times that I look back on over and over again as some of the happiest moments of my life. But also some of the lowest have involved this friend as well. Through it all though we have always forgiven one another. We have always made our apologies eventually and tried to move forward. I don't know why this time is any different but it seems to be. We haven't spoken since.
again it sucks. I feel like a part of myself is missing. And I wish I could take it all back. But this friend hasn't reached out to me either. It's the same as before. Though they've let other people know that they're upset and that they don't understand what made this time different, they haven't come to me to say those things.
I feel like I can't keep chasing people down. It's something I gave up in honour of the new year. If you want to spend time with me. If you want to be in my life then make the effort. Come find me.
This phrase has been rambling around in my head. I'm not sure what it wants to be other than somethign to tell myself over and over but:
"Come on in. I'm worth the price of admission. I swear."