Rainy Days and Mondays
never mind all of what I just typed. not something to say to the world.
i can say that i wish i would have updated before now. i would have been able to write all about my new job that i loved and this really sweet guy that was seeing who seemed to really like me. For the first time in a year I was finally feeling like life was making progress. But life was so much more interesting than the internet all of a sudden so I was off living that rather than typing about it.
Then a week ago I got laid off from the new job that I loved. And 24hrs later I finally stopped trying to convince myself that I had feeilngs for this really sweet guy that I was seeing. That despite him being so nice and so cool and so very into me I was still stuck in the same drama I've been stuck in for years and he just not going to be the guy to make me forget that.
He met my friend Sally a few weeks back. While we were all out together Sally and I were each in the midst of having an argument with another person (through texting so I was having my argument and she was having hers. both were with the same guy but they were seperate arguments that were unfortunately overlapping one another). I felt bad for talking poorly about this friend I was having an argument with so I said to him "don't get me wrong ******'s an asshole, but I love him with my whole heart and soul."
My date replied "your whole heart and soul huh? does that leave room for anyone else?"
It was said jokingly and was quickly passed off as just another tidbit of conversation. But as you can tell by the fact that i'm mentioning it here it stuck with me.
The truth is that I don't know the answer to that. This time around the answer was no,but I cannot stop believing that someday the answer is going to be yes. As much as my heart has been overrun by men who have come into my life, taken the good stuff, and run, I desperately want to believe that someday someone is going to come along and meeting them will make my heart grow so big that there is plenty of room for the new. I want to believe that someday someone will come along who fills my life so much that I forget about the ruined birthdays and hikes up mountains and deceptive valentine's days and bailed on rainchecks. That when that pereson comes along it will all make sense because it will have all led me to them.
And I know I should be using my time to work on me and learn to be alone so that I won't be needy. I know the speech about once you love yourself and focus on your own life the love of your life will find you.
Truth is I think that' s bullshit. I think that is something that lonely women tell themselves so they can feel better while they eat their ice cream and watch their reality shows at home alone on a saturday night. I look around me and the couples that I see are not that at all. Everyone I know who is in a relationship right now was a serious work in progress when they met their significant other. Alot of them were even at their messiest points. I think that we're ALWAYS works in progress. Telling a girl to focus on her own life and let the universe take care of the rest is just a bandaid on an already infected wound. It doesn't help anything.
I'm tired of psychoanalysis. I'm tired of trying to make the right and healthy choices. Because that's just bullshit too. Trying to make the healthy choice is really just trying to make the choice that OTHER people will approve of. It's more lies. And it's unattainable. At least it is in any honest and true way. No one can make everyone happy. Every choice we make makes SOMEONE else unhappy. That's just the way of the world. And when we make choices based on what someone ELSE, some OTHER deems healthy and good then it's just lies and manipulation. The second you stop to think about how other people will react is the second you stop being real. Have we learned nothing from reality tv?
So I accept the Lena who does stupid things. I accept the Lena who moons over the wrong people. Who is impulsive and moody and scattered and ridiculously naive. intentionally naive.
I like her. I like that she believes in the good in everyone. I like that she feels things intensely. that she feels everything intensely. I like that she has no idea what she's doing most of the time. I like that she can feel like the world is ending one minute and the next a smell or sight or feeling will hit her and take her back to someplace that makes it all okay again. I like that she desperately needs other people. I like that she wants to be loved as much as she is capable of loving someone else. I like that she's awkward and insecure.
I like all of those things because they all have another side to them that are deeply positive. I like that she is all of those things because they make her who she is.
they make same who I am.
I have spent years apologizing for myself. Letting everyone around me think that there was something wrong with me.
But there isn't. I am complex. I am ridiculous. I am mercurial.
And I love that.