Feeling The Need
i may as well be a punk for as well as i take care of myself.
i feel like a piece of shit. i act like a piece of shit.
today i read the words of a few people that i've fallen out of touch with.
the themes or words of their lives. the hope. the fear. the falling apart. the forced changes. the places they were in.
it was almost enough to make me reach out. to try and change the flake fuck i've been. and then the other day i remembered that it's a switch. or that there was more to my situation then i previously thought. my family used to get the shaft from me all the time. i choose friends over them all the time and barely did anything with them.
as my father faded out, i withdrew a little more. sure, i moved back home and lived with them, but wasn't that really more so because i was living with a horrible mother who was as faithful as i fear i've become.
this letting go. this holding on. the traps of the reflections. i do nothing for it's a sum of what i believe in. lame, yet truth to a degree i suppose.
i know i'm different (to myself) to some extent, but i've always felt the same. there has been a constant in me for as long as i can recall. a sense of fear. a believe that help comes from within. consults and medicated drugs don't seem justified to me. or for me.
the things i've been certain of, are few. i don't know. that's a big one.
some events on my life i'm failing to process. some situations idling on absurd karma ass rape ... or sounding with razors and broken bits of teeth.
yup. that says that clearly enough.
in living, i am believing that death is the strongest part. that pull. that forced to recall. to slide deeper into the forest of no meaning. no time.
and how i feel about time. well, it's a joke. a marker to remember only important to a computer. to the cycle of nature. breaking it on down to the math, which is a language i do not understand.
as i let nothing wash over me. take control in me as i hand it over so easily. i visioned me having no other choice. the sum of all that i am. or am not.
growing up, i never liked being like a group of people. i was always down with connecting with people one on one, but as a whole, well - i can't say i was a member of many clubs. just that group of three or four really good people getting along and fluxating with a cast of a few thirty or so.
alone.
always, that word. a sardonic smile on my slim lips.
i've chosen nothing even this time over friends because i must be to scared of something. if it's that, i wonder what. family. friends.
i feel like a piece of shit. i act like a piece of shit.
today i read the words of a few people that i've fallen out of touch with.
the themes or words of their lives. the hope. the fear. the falling apart. the forced changes. the places they were in.
it was almost enough to make me reach out. to try and change the flake fuck i've been. and then the other day i remembered that it's a switch. or that there was more to my situation then i previously thought. my family used to get the shaft from me all the time. i choose friends over them all the time and barely did anything with them.
as my father faded out, i withdrew a little more. sure, i moved back home and lived with them, but wasn't that really more so because i was living with a horrible mother who was as faithful as i fear i've become.
this letting go. this holding on. the traps of the reflections. i do nothing for it's a sum of what i believe in. lame, yet truth to a degree i suppose.
i know i'm different (to myself) to some extent, but i've always felt the same. there has been a constant in me for as long as i can recall. a sense of fear. a believe that help comes from within. consults and medicated drugs don't seem justified to me. or for me.
the things i've been certain of, are few. i don't know. that's a big one.
some events on my life i'm failing to process. some situations idling on absurd karma ass rape ... or sounding with razors and broken bits of teeth.
yup. that says that clearly enough.
in living, i am believing that death is the strongest part. that pull. that forced to recall. to slide deeper into the forest of no meaning. no time.
and how i feel about time. well, it's a joke. a marker to remember only important to a computer. to the cycle of nature. breaking it on down to the math, which is a language i do not understand.
as i let nothing wash over me. take control in me as i hand it over so easily. i visioned me having no other choice. the sum of all that i am. or am not.
growing up, i never liked being like a group of people. i was always down with connecting with people one on one, but as a whole, well - i can't say i was a member of many clubs. just that group of three or four really good people getting along and fluxating with a cast of a few thirty or so.
alone.
always, that word. a sardonic smile on my slim lips.
i've chosen nothing even this time over friends because i must be to scared of something. if it's that, i wonder what. family. friends.