I Still Don't Know What I'm After ... (But I Like Event Horizon?)
i'm never usually sure how it's perceived, but i'm rather open about most of my sexual idiosyncrasies. or whatever the fuck you'd call it. anywho.
a couple things today that made me cringe or all out lust filled.
so there's this pretty cool chinese man. cat seems all well toned, naked standing in the corner of what "could" be a pretty nice trailer (not that it's important, but the retro acrylic wood theme really added flavor to an already hazy, almost grayish tone) 7 inch a man meat just floating in the air with a very high arch up (he may have been standing more so on his arch, but the camera didn't go that low) in the air. and then, out of no where comes this huge meaty foot, then calves, then thigh - and blamO! foot, meet cock and balls.
that shear amount of joy he had in his eyes, made my day. it was a smile from ear to ear for this lone ranger. not really my cup of tea, but ya know, to each their own. the third kick brought that lucky bastard to his knees. i don't usually laugh out loud much. score one for amateur porn. kick six she warned him. and that was almost the best day ever ... *sigh*
so, i shouldn't knock it. #1 since i've never done it ... intentionally, and not to the extent it ended up going... #2 eh, fuck it, to each their own and all that tidy jazz, but snow balling just isn't for me.
pretty big black cat, probably like six feet tall, more then likely pushing 360 or so, mostly muscle, good looking cat (with the nice public smile kind of look about him - that guy) standing at the base of some stairs, pounding the juices (i'd imagine) out of this not attractive, not ugly "chick" - don't really recall seeing her face since this was all shot at a wide angle and her head was buried down most of the time, and when the camera changed, he was above her sitting oh her midsection or stomach inching down for that hot snow ball action / goodness.
so... the stair action was pretty damn intense. at first, i thought it was going to be pretty average rough sex, but he really started to work that shit. i mean, for a second she'd have both feet on the base with him, then one foot would be on the first step and before she could give it two second rest, he'd either shift her or ram her hard enough that she'd loose her balance and have to stay afoot. then, he'd be moving up a stair or two and the thought crossed my mind that at some point he was just going to pick her up and slam her the fuck around whilst he pummeled her away... either that or she'd fade into ash as he literally ripped her apart as he climaxed. brother was intense is an understatement. so yay for cool happiness right? sure parts of it.
but why, and where does it become appealing to take your load after you've drizzled it all over your loved ones / 'rags' face (mostly mouth and chest from what i could tell ...) "neatly" cover it over your middle finger and pointer, paint her mouth with it - then somewhat slurping it up with your conveniently pointy shaped tongue - deeply kiss her, then repeat the finger-paint-smear (but hey great scooping skills, i gathered a much chunkier load this time around) and instead of deeply kissing her letting it slowly goop down into her eye / mouth ... my clarity was lacking, but it didn't birdie it's way into her mouth like one may have expected.
*sigh*
the combination of the two reminded me of the greatest clip i'd ever seen and may have even mentioned somewhere here in livejournal land before.
um, i think her name is janet jamesome or some dickensin. janice dickenson, maybe (she's not worth my time to google or imdb -nothing personal-) .. anyways someone who looks like that (maybe that's why it also made the whole damn thing so worth while) kneeling at the end of the bed. clip basically starts off a like three seconds into the money shot ... you can't see jack of the guy. just a well endowed man getting ready to pay the bills. so prestO! face just slimed with an almost unrealistic amount of bill paying money. almost vulgar in the way more then 10cc us average cats spew.
so picture janice filled with warm summer glue - clearly, not enjoying it. oh, she pretended she did, but no after hours acting camp will fill that void in the back of her eyes ... and surprise prestO! take two - a large white open hand smacked her across the cheek so hard, she flew across the bed. and when i say flew, it's not that she leapt over, like on cue. she was knocked that hell over - quickly. my god i wish there would've been sound.
even if it was staged, i'd like to think it was unplanned. i have my doubts, but i'll embrace the cream out of that donut.
i know jesus must've wept for the internet. even though i intended to say "god bless the internet".
ugh. almost eleven. ugh. where the hell does a day go. stupid days. hmm. daze. i was so spoiled with days off. they weren't ideal, but the rest for my mind (and who am i trying to kid on that one?) feels so much better then the aches of that political junks. and that's part of the love hate. work kills my thoughts outside of work. life just fades away. i don't have to deal or cope. a not so great escape. lately, almost feels like it could be stacked up into years now, i feel like i'm just sitting around thinking. wondering. dreaming. much love, as anyone who "knows" me, but i feel fat. i feel me crushing me to nothingness through an inaction. call it the inability to cope, or the desire to be locked so far into the past i can't see the future, and "oh, what of the now?", kind of cycle do i have going on here?
what can't i identify to make me feel like a better person. is it trying to adjust and blend in with that pleasing mentality? i doubt that. it makes a lot of sense though. saying it in short cut terms, it's like having a hundred friends but none of them like one another. damn themes to my life. i am a whiny bitch who can't get past the things he doesn't like. the way i see it today ... "meh" ... i'd rather just listen to music or just digress.
i aim to be content. i am to change. i feel stuck. ouch. that sounds too obvious. i'm talking about "my insides". before i can ever get unstuck, i need to make a mess. not intentionally, but the speed and rhythm in which "it" all gets strewn around, i can't imagine it can be set up neatly or in a pleasing order. seeking to accept, yet wanting to change. peace at the break of war. because violence always proves a point. sharp intentions, for this bitch here, are hard to hold. i'm always so fucking switzerland about just about everything. just about.
after reading 2001 and watching a hi-def rip of the movie - i had planned to read 2010 and then watch the movie. since i sometimes like to break even my own goals to shit for no good reason, i have to say i'm even more charged then what i already was to read the book and venture on to 2061 after showing no restraint and wondering about the true intentions of my dear pal HAL.
you could more then likely (and here's where i will end up going senile as i say "you") tell me all of your favorite parts with the fullest detail, but since i retain words like a forgetful foo over a sustained or no time at all. i can only tell you i'm left "awake" after the read and visual stimuli. i'm sure i won't be able to really appreciate it until i've finished em all a time or two. it's rare for me to ever reread a book, but i'm sure it'll be added to some list i'll never get around to making. only a few book books i've ever reread. other then The Thief Of Always, The Gunslinger (sadly, just books 1 - 3 and nothing else) and um, yeah.
never enough time. not enough well spent time.
and this life. i just "go" with it.
it's all bottled up, and i think it wants to come out. i need to talk to a few people and see if it's even real or still there. geesh, that must sound lame and easy to be blindsided by.
so much of this life i never saw coming. um, most of that's been pretty cool. some events i'd sell a chunk of soul (or at least i'd easily "say" i would) to re puzzle up.
and that thought leads to making plans often leads to disappointment. i remember the moment with stomach clenching clarity when it became crystal clear to me that i'd become a flake. jeff and tyler of the fargo years. and that can easily be summed up, by the whole trying to please a hundred people neatness. heck, even my political dislike at work. good times, bad times.
and then it was 11:44. ah, what a good sunday spent. another mothers day.
all day i've had the line "your just not ready for the kind of relationship i'm looking for" running through my head. shouldn't my first thought have been, something other then what mine was?
resolve. integrity. planning. future? truly, it's just another piece of the puzzle. one i can't see, nor am i looking at.
lazy or let down? observation? lame ponder. caught up in what isn't obvious to me. as if my arm is on fire, my skin pinching. my heart beating to an unknown pulse.
and what about the themes of my dear old life.
simple formula that happened in a neat chronological order. close friends always moved away + you'll always hurt the ones you care about + we set up boundaries to set the limits and then knock 'em down harshly to prove how we feel + the world isn't a thousand million shades of gray, not just black and white ...
and it should always be best to leave a post with lyrics ... or so it seems today. (that other thing that was on my mind all night seems fitting in this song)
Am I
Am I still tough enough?
Feels like I'm wearing down (down down down down)
Is my viciousness losing ground (ground ground ground ground)
Am I taking too much?
Did I cross the line? (line line)
I need my role in this
Very clearly defined
I need your discipline
I need your help
I need your discipline
You know once I start I cannot help myself
Now it's starting up
Feels like I'm losing touch
Nothing matters to me
Nothing matters as much
I see you left a mark
Up and down the skin (skin skin)
I don't know where I end
Or where you begin
I need your discipline
I need your help
I need your discipline
You know once I start I cannot help myself
I cannot stop myself
Once I start I cannot stop myself
And you know
Once I start I cannot stop myself
And you know
Once I start I cannot stop myself
And you know
Once I start I cannot stop myself
And you know
Once I start I cannot stop myself
I need your discipline
And you know
I need your help
Once I start I cannot stop myself
I need your discipline
And you know
Because once I start I cannot stop myself
I need your discipline
And you know
I need your help
Once I start I cannot stop myself)
I need your discipline
And you know
Because once I start I cannot stop myself
And you know
Once I start I cannot stop myself
And you know
Once I start I cannot stop myself
I need your discipline
And you know
Once I start I cannot stop myself
I need your discipline
And you know
Cannot stop myself
Once I start I cannot stop myself
--(Nine Inch Nails - Discipline)--