Third Mission: Insanity... It's a Gift (Giftfic)
Disclaimer: Doctor Who is a copyright of the BBC. The PPC is the intellectual property of Jay and Acacia. I created Agents Karma and Nemia, but I don't actually own them in any legal sense. If you steal them, however, I can still bring down the wrath of the PPC community on your head. You don't want that.
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
Karma came in from lunch to the sound of the Sue alarm shrilling desperately. “Sweet Sophia!” she shouted above the din, “Nemia, why haven’t you turned that thing--” Then she caught the look on the face of her partner, who was standing by the console and staring with mute horror at the screen. She hurried over to shut off the alarm herself before turning back to Nemia. “What is it?” she asked.
Nemia made a strange whining noise in the back of her throat and pointed to the briefing.
[To: Agents Karma Kalisutah and Nemia
From: Intelligence
The following is the first Author’s Note in the fic you have been assigned. We believe it contains most of the information you need.
This is a gift for my pals Zen Clarke and fizzwizz15. they're nice, and I give gifts to nice people sometimes, as a reward for being nice and showing my appreciation. ^_^
This story is complete silly, and not meant to be taken for anything other than it is. Okay. Uhm. Anyway. ^_^
Zen, fizzwizz15, tell me which Doctor you want to be with! *grins* Also, I'm making everyone 18, so... ^_^
This is sheer insanity, and insanity this is, sheerly.
Press the red button when you are ready for your mission. And by “ready,” we mean relatively speaking. Please do not attempt to put it off indefinitely.
P.S. We recommend picking up Despatch Kits from DIC before heading out. Some of the canons are so far from their proper location in the ‘verse that it’s practically a crossover fic.
P.P.S. There are at least four Sues, and possibly more disguised as canons. You’ll have to use your heavy-duty Canon Analysis Devices to sort out the latter.]
Karma felt her brain break. She tried to make a snarky comment, but, as most of her nervous system had just gone off-line, she found she had no control over her lips, tongue, or vocal cords. Fortunately, even as she went into a state of shock, Nemia was already recovering.
“Remember with Elizabeth Tudor how the Suethor kept seeking out loopholes to jump through?” she asked. “Remember how she went to ridiculous lengths to pretend she was sticking to canon? Remember how much that annoyed us?” Karma nodded dumbly. “I think I’m going to miss it now.”
Karma made a small strangled noise and commenced banging her head against the console.
* * *
A few hours later, Karma and Nemia crawled through a portal and into the area beneath the console of the TARDIS. “This is starting to feel like home,” Karma noted, listening contentedly to the soft mechanical hum emanating from all around them.
“The TARDIS?”
“The area beneath the mesh.”
“Ah.”
The two of them were clad in eighteenth-century finery, complete with ruffs and brass buttons, as well as ornate ballroom masks and long, curly wigs. They had decided on clockwork men after Karma had suggested that they might preserve brain cells by temporarily adopting metal minds. “And,” she had pointed out, “we can make the Sues think they’re going crazy with the ticking; none of the canons will be able to hear it.”
Nemia dug through her backpack and pulled out two items; the first, a small notebook, she handed to Karma, and the second, the special Despatcher’s CAD, she kept for herself. “Ready for this?”
Karma nodded grimly, pen poised, and unfocused her eyes -- or what passed as eyes for clockwork men -- until she could see the Words that made up the story.
It was another random day on the TARDIS. Well, if one could call this random. Actually, one could. I didn't say normal. I said random.
The Doctor, the tenth, to be exact, was 'fixing' the TARDIS console, and Rose was reading a magazine.
However, Zen, Sarah, and Fizz were not.
No.
They were playing Twister, but it was the Slitheen version, so it wasn't as much fun.
Actually it wasn't the Slitheen version, but Jack Harkness liked to pretend that it was, because he invented it. Well, he thought he did. No one really knows the answer to that. It's like the questions, 'What's the meaning of life?', 'Why are we here?', and, most trying of all, 'Where do babies come from?'.
Questions no one really knows the answer to.
Karma paused in her frantic scribbling and looked up. “Okay,” she said, “that would be extremely stupid even if Captain Jack Harkness hadn’t just been mentioned. And, on a semi-related note, do I want to know why there are quotation marks around the word ‘fixed?’”
“You don’t,” Nemia assured her somewhat queasily. “Trust me - I’m watching it.”
“Uh oh. Now I have to know.”
“Let’s just say I’m pretty sure it isn’t necessary, as I don’t think TARDISes are made that way, and in any case she’s supposed to be the last one.”
“Eeeurgh,” Karma said, convulsing slightly.
And that's when Martha came in.
Karma peered up through the mesh as the Doctor’s newest companion entered the console room. “Fantastic. Now all we need is Mickey and Adam and we’ll have the complete set. This must be why we were supposed to bring Despatch kits.”
But Nemia’s mind was somewhere else. “Hey, Karma? Is it just me, or is there something a little off about Ten? I just can’t quite place it...” She trailed off for a moment to sort it out. “I know! He looks too young to be the Doctor.”
“You mean you just now noticed that?”
“No, Karma, I mean in this story. Look! And it’s not just him; it’s Jack too.”
Karma did look, and saw that her partner was right. For a moment she was severely puzzled. Then understanding dawned. “Hey, Nemia? Remember the author’s note?”
“Yes, but not because I want to. What about it?”
“The Suethor said she’s ‘making everyone eighteen.’”
“That’s fairly standard in Suefics, I think,” Nemia pointed out. “It’s so that they can...” She stopped suddenly as realization kicked in. “Oh no. Tell me she didn’t..?”
“I doubt it was intentional. It’s just that in the Sueverse, everything is literal.”
“I... wow. I really can’t even think of anything snarky to say about this.”
“Me neither. Let’s listen to Martha whine about pointless things instead.”
"Why can't we play Uno?"
"Because you always win!" Jack cried dramatically.
"That's true," Zen replied.
"Who asked you?" Martha shot back. "Oops. Sorry. I'm a little cranky today because I missed my favourite show."
"What show is that?" Fizz asked.
"Lawyer What."
Nemia groaned. “Is that joke ever not horribly, horribly lame?”
“Well, at the end of The Stealers of Dreams the characters made a show that was essentially Doctor Who under a different name,” Karma said thoughtfully. “But in that instance it was actually inspired by him, and more sappy than humorous.”
“The Stealers of Dreams?”
“A tie-in novel about a planet where fiction is against the law - only it winds up going quite differently than most stories fitting that description. It’s a good book. It’s multilayered like a Davies script and very thought-provoking. And there are some funny bits, like when the rebel group finds a copy of Harry Potter and thinks it must be Shakespeare.”
"Anybody for pizza?" Jack asked.
Everyone grumbled, and, Jack sighed. "Well, fine. Let's go to Pizza Inn."
So they did.
The two assassins felt a sharp lurch as the world around them spun wildly and tore itself apart. When it reassembled itself, they were crouched underneath a cluster of tables at a pizza joint. They had to huddle together in the center to avoid brushing up against the legs of the canons and Sues.
“Ow,” said Nemia. “I think the gears in my head just got jammed.”
“Sh!” Karma flipped a page in her notebook and scribbled something down, then showed it to her partner.
We can’t talk here, it said. They’ll hear us. She then tore out the sheet and handed it to Nemia, along with a pen.
Sorry, Nemia wrote.
“Where’s that ticking coming from?” came the voice of one of the Sues from just above their heads.
“What ticking?” Rose asked. “I don’t hear any ticking.”
“I hear it too!” insisted another Sue.
“It’s probably just your imaginations,” Ten said soothingly.
Because this was the type of story where that sort of logic made sense, and because the suggestion had come from one of the hottest guys they had ever seen, the Sues accepted this and proceeded to ignore the noise, which, much to their annoyance, did not go away when they ceased to believe in it. They did not think much of it, as none of them could remember anything about “Girl in the Fireplace” except that the Doctor had kissed Reinette, who was neither Rose nor themselves.
I can’t see anything but feet, Nemia complained.
Read the Words, Karma suggested.
Right.
Everyone had crowded four tables together, and were shocked when five guys walked over.
Fizz squealed, "It's Nine!"
And Sarah squeed, "It's... another Ten?"
"I beg your pardon!" The 'other Ten' grumbled. "I am Doctor Nine!"
Sarah nodded, the squeed again. "Oh, he just like my AU! EEE!"
Zen sighed, then noticed, "Wait. ANOTHER TEN?"
"I am not Ten, I am Eight!"
"No, I'm Eight," Eight said. He was the one everyone knew as Eight.
"No, I am." The Ten-As-Eight stompted his foot.
Eight replied, "Well, he does dress like me."
"He doesn't look like you," Sarah said dreamily, looking at all the Tens.
It was Ten heaven.
“Wait, what’s that sound?” one of the Sues asked suddenly. “It sounds like gears grinding.”
“Who cares?” asked another. “It’s raining Doctors!”
“And I think I smell smoke, too,” persisted the first. “Smoke and... metal? Burning metal?”
“Sh! I’m trying to enjoy David Tennant’s aura of pure sex!”
Karma’s pencil was furiously scratching away at the charge sheet, and Nemia had to tap the girl's shoulder to get her attention. She pointed at the note paper, which now said, I don’t think I should be here.
Karma flipped to a clean sheet and wrote, Why not?
Because Eight is my Tr Lust Object.
Deal with it. We all have to sooner or later. She tore out yet another page and handed it to Nemia. I think we’ll need two charge lists for this one, she wrote. I’ll do the self-inserts, you determine which of the canons are Sues in disguise and write lists for them.
"Hey! You took my pizza!" The fifth guy yelled.
"Casanova?" Sarah said, wrinkling her nose. "Now this is strange. I didn't know this was going to be a crossover."
Zen nodded. "Me either."
The two assassins groaned inwardly. As if matters were not already complicated enough!
Suddenly two Reinettes ran in.
Karma decided this was the single greatest concentration of Sueness she had ever witnessed in her life.
One had an engagment ring the size of a Burger King Whopper (Not really, it was more like one of thsoe candy rings, but real) on her hand, and they were both yelling.
The one with the huge ring slapped the other one. She said, "You slut!"
The other was boiling mad (Or possibly broiling mad!) "I am not a slut!"
"You kissed HIM!" She pointed to Ten, the one in the prinstipe suit, who yelled, "Reinette! And... Reinette. Oh, this is different." Pinstripe Ten sighed, confused.
Reinnette-With-The-Ring yelled, "And you made him break Rose's heart!"
Did not! Nemia protested. Rose put up with it like a champ.
Broke my shippy little heart, though, Karma jotted down with a dramatic sigh.
"So? I climb over everyone I want to get to the top."
Reinette 1 gritted her teeth. "Why?"
"Because I can. Now, don't tell me you don't think he's cute."
"I'm ENGAGED!"
"So, what does that matter?" Reinette 2 asked stupidly.
"I'm engaged to Casanova!"
Actually, Karma wrote to her partner, the real Madame de Pompodour and Casanova did know each other.
But marriage??? Nemia countered.
Trust me, I know. But it still makes more sense than anything else in this Light-forsaken fic.
Just then, an author’s note came thundering into their heads.
To Be Continued....
PS: Zen, which Doctor do you want?
PPS: fizzwizz15, which Doctor do you want?
A/N: This is a gift fic for Zen and fizzwizz15 only, sorry.
I'm very busy and have time only for a couple of people.
If you ARE interested, however, I may consider you, depending on how well I know you, so I can write you.
If I don't know you, then I can't write you. At least, that is, until I get to know you. :)
PS: If two or more people pick the same person, I can bring in some more AU Doctors, and they can be the same, in a sense, just from different universes. :)
Okay, thanks! ^_^
TBC
This was followed by a chapter break, on the heels of which came yet another author’s note.
Author's Notes:
Here we go with part two! ^_^
“Gibbledribblekahroo?” asked a thoroughly disoriented Karma. Nemia just moaned.
And that's when Rose grinned. "Doctor!" She said, noticing Nine.
Nine blinked. "Yes. Do I... do I know you...?"
Rose stopped in her tracks.
Pinstripe Ten put on his glasses. "Ah, yes." He said, looking at Ten. "This isn't... wasn't... oh, however you want to look at it," He added, taking his glasses back off, "It's not me, nor has it ever been. It fact--"
"Oh, shut it," Nine said.
Pinstipe Ten blinked. "Ex... excuse me?" He said, incredulously.
"I said hush up." Nine replied.
Karma regained her senses and glared. She was wearing a mask and had no face to speak of, but Nemia noticed an unmistakable aura of glaringness about her. I thought Ten was supposed to be the rude one, she wrote, attempting to lighten the mood. Karma ignored her.
Fizzwizz15 merely grinned, because she knew what that meant.
It meant “Stop talking,” Nemia thought, but said nothing.
Ironically, before she could say anything to Nine, Nine asked her, "This seat taken?"
Fizzwizz15 shook her head, motioning for him to sit down, which he did, grinning. Zen, when Nine wasn't looking, high-fived her, whispering, "You go, girl!"
Karma set down her notebook, spread her hands out on the ground, and prepared to bang her head against the floor.
Nemia caught her just in the nick of time. “Don’t!” she hissed. “You’ll smash yourself to bits!”
“Won’t that just mean no more pain?” Karma asked despondently.
Nemia patted her on the shoulder. “Don’t despair. We kill them soon.”
This time not even the Sues noticed the strange noises coming from underneath the table. The fic was in full swing now, and it would take a lot more than a couple of disembodied voices to stop it.
Reinette 1 grinned. "Would anyone like to beat up the other Reinette with me?"
Zen and Sarah grinned manically and nodded.
Reinette 1 grinned, and reached behind her back, and she held a...
Rubber ducky.
Sarah grinned, taking her rubber chicken from her bag.
Zen reached into her own bag, and grabbed her inflatable hammer (No idea how it fit).
The three girls let loose on Reinette 2, and Pinstripe Ten just stared. "Now that," He said, taking a bag of popcorn, "That is weird."
And that's when Eight stompted his foot. "Why doesn't anybody like me!?" He whined.
Jack laughed. "Maybe because you're whining!"
The ground lurched. There was another chapter break followed closely by another author’s note.
Author's Notes:
MORE! ^_^ Yay... tee, hee...
I know this is WAY to much wishful thinking on my part, but how ELSE if this gonna happen! ^_^
“If you have to ask...” Karma muttered.
Nemia nodded. “And anyone who says ‘tee, hee’ automatically deserves death.”
"I am not whining!" Eight says pouting.
The two clockwork assassins’ gears grind and strain as the story abruptly switches tenses. Nemia promises herself that as soon as she has an organic body again she will down a whole bottle of bleepsinthe. She also determines that she is never doing the clockwork man disguise again.
Suddenly Zen runs over to him. "Its okay! I like you!"
He blinks. "Huh. Really? Wow."
Pinstripe Ten stares. "I feel lonely."
Sarah runs to Ten dressed as Eight, and suddenly music comes on.
Nine holds out his hand. "Care to dance....?"
Fizz grins. "Yeah! I mean... no, I don't mind. I mean---"
"She wants to dance," Zen replies, and sighs dreamily.
Sarah grins, and looks at Ten dressed as Eight. "Hi...." She says, half out of it. "You're.... wow."
He blinks. "I wow? Wow. Hm." He seems to be in deep thought. "Well that's new..."
The two assassins peek out from underneath the table. “Please tell me that I’m not actually seeing what I think I am,” Karma moans.
Nemia pats her shoulder awkwardly. “On the bright side, with them all on the dance floor we’re free to talk.”
“Have you checked them for OOCness yet?” Karma asks.
“Nope, haven’t had the chance. I’m on it now, though.” She gets out the Heavy Duty CAD, sets it on mute, and begins scanning the the room.
Nine is talking to Fizz. "I don't understand it. I ordered my pizz two hours ago, yet I don't care if I ever eat again!"
Karma giggles. “Aw, poor baby! The Sue has stolen his will to live.”
Nemia shakes her head. “Don’t feel too sorry for him. Look at this.” She points to the screen of the CAD.
[AU Nine,] it says. [Time Lord. Noncanon. Marty Stu.]
“All of the AU Doctors are Sues,” Nemia explains to her partner. “Casanova and Eight are canon, but they’ve been ruptured.”
“What about Rose, Jack, Martha, and Pinstripe Ten?”
“I haven’t gotten to them yet, but judging by the fact that they’re sitting right above us and have shown no sign of having heard our conversation, I’d guess that they’re canon.”
“And judging by the fact that they’re eighteen-years-old and don’t know where babies come from, I’d guess that they’re ruptured,” Karma adds thoughtfully. “And the Reinettes?”
“Reinette Two is the real deal, just terribly, terribly OOC.”
“And Reinette One is a Sue?” Nemia nods. “YES!” Karma pumps her fist in the air triumphantly.
“Why so excited?”
“You mean you don’t know? Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to kill that tart? The kissing and the crushing I could accept. The Doctor is, after all a man of many loves. Though they have different ways of expressing it, it’s something he, Rose, and Jack all have in common. Except for Rose, who is, in fact, a woman. But reducing him to acting like a hormone-crazed schoolboy? Or causing him to leave Rose to die in deep space? That is very much not okay. And don’t even get me started on all the vomit-inducing ‘Lonely Angel’ tripe--”
“You’ve come up with a charge list!” Nemia says accusingly, cutting her partner off.
“What if I have?” Karma counters defensively.
“Karma, she was conceived by the mind of Steve Moffat. I think Steve Moffat knows what he’s doing.”
“Just because he brought us Captain Jack doesn’t mean he can do no wrong,” Karma says stubbornly, although she sounds a bit less than confident in this assertion.
Sarah ssuddenly realises, "OOh! I LOVE this song! 'London Bridges' by Fergie! Yay!"
Karma attempts to locate her ears so that she can cover them as Jack and the real Doctor ask Martha and Rose to dance and Casanova complains about how long it is taking for his pizza to get to him.
Eight, Ten-as-Eight, and AU Nine don't pay attention, as they are too busy with grabbing small, velvet covered boxes out of their pockets.
There was another sudden chapter break, followed by another smiley-filled author’s note and another tense shift. Karma fell to the floor clutching her head, which was now making rather frightening sounds. “Ow,” she said. “Ow, ow, ow. I didn’t even think I had nerves in this form!” Nemia braced herself against a table leg and said nothing.
Suddenly Ten-as-Eight stumbled, and it was due to the fact that AU Ten pushed him.
AU Ten is 'Nine as played by David Tennant'.
“Then why didn’t you just introduce him as such earlier on?” Nemia wondered.
“Because then she’d have missed out on the fun of interrupting her own narrative to insert useless information,” Karma said, finally getting it together enough to pick herself up off the floor.
“Oh, I’m sure she’d have found another opportunity.”
“Yeah, probably.”
"What...?" Ten as Eight said, standing. "What's wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with me?" AU Ten shot back, "What's wrong with you?"
"Can't we just think this through..." Pinstipe Ten started to say, and suddenly ANOTHER Pinstripe Ten ran in, sonic screwdriver in hand. "Where's the fire?"
Karma just barely managed to repress a scream of frustration, which instead manifested itself as a drawn-out whimper.
Rose walked up to him. "Doctor?" She asked tentatively, and confusedly.
Pinstripe Ten 2, or PT2 as we will call him now, (“You can call him whatever you want, Suethor,” Nemia muttered “But leave me out of it.”) looked up. "Who're you?"
"I'm Rose... Rose Tyler. Haven't you met me?"
He shook his head. "You must be AU."
"You're the AU," PT1 shot back, annoyed that he's called Rose, HIS Rose, AU.
Wait. HIS Rose? Pinstripe Ten 1 blinked, confused and unnerved.
"I never met a Rose. I did meet a Teyla though. Tough girl. She hit me once. Or twice." He said, remembering. "She's out... somewhere...?" He looked around, nervously.
PT1 glared. How DARE his AU self call Rose an 'a'? 'A' Rose? She was just plain old Rose! The love of his lives.... ah. There he went again. 'Oh, wow. Brilliant.' He thought. He loved Rose. 'How come I didn't know that before?' He asked himself.
Nemia shook her head. “Where do we even begin with that one?”
“How about in ‘The Parting of the Ways,’ when he gave her his life with a kiss?” Karma suggested.
“How about earlier in that episode, when he gave up the TARDIS to keep her safe?” Nemia countered.
“Or in ‘Bad Wolf,’ when he went all to pieces after seeing her ‘die.’”
“Or in ‘The Doctor Dances,’ when he did just that with her after all that talk of ‘dancing,’ and shot Jack a nasty look to boot.”
“Or in ‘Dalek,’ when the Dalek called her ‘the woman you love’ and he didn’t bat an eyelash?”
“Or in ‘World War Three,’ when he said, ‘Oh Rose, I could save the world but lose you!’”
“Or in ‘The Unquiet Dead,’ when he called her ‘beautiful’ with that awestruck look on his face.”
“Or at the end of ‘The End of the World,’ when he told her the deep dark secret of his past, and then they went out for chips together.”
“Or even in ‘Rose,’ when he asked her to come with him twice, and held her hand every opportunity he got.”
“Now that might be pushing it,” said Nemia.
Karma shrugged. “I couldn’t very well let you beat me at a shipping contest, now could I?”
Suddenly AU Ten (Or Nine as played by David Tennant) held out a box to Sarah, and asked, "Will you--"
Suddenly Pinstripe Ten Two ran over to Beth, and said, "My, you have lovely eyes...."
Eight asked Zen, "Zen, would you do me the honour of becoming--"
AU Nine asked Fizz, "Fizz, uh..." He cleared his throat. "This isn't exactly an easy question coming from me, but, uh--"
Pinstripe Ten Two couldn't explain what he saw in Beth's eyes, so he blurted, "Marry--"
“Enough!” The tables the group had been sitting at earlier were suddenly overturned, and two clockwork men stepped out from beneath them. “This is no fanfic,” Karma said seethingly. “This is a wish-gratification orgy.”
“What’s the difference?” Nemia asked drily.
The fake Reinette’s eyes widened. “They’ve come for me!” she proclaimed dramatically.
“Actually,” said Nemia, “we’ve come for all of you. Got your mace, Karma?”
“Yep. You?”
“Indeed! We really ought to get some despatch kits of our own, don’t you think?”
“Oh, definitely!” Karma replied, full of good cheer. Her rage was passing quickly now that it was nearly killing time. “You ready?” Nemia nodded. “Then CHARGE!”
The last thing any of the people on the dance floor remembered was two white-faced monsters bearing down on them as they were enveloped by a gas that stung their eyes and scorched their throats.
* * *
When the fake Reinette awoke, she made a number of disturbing discoveries in quick succession. First, she was somewhere very dark that smelled of burning flesh. Second, she was strapped down to what appeared to be an operation table. Third, one of the monsters was leering down at her with hollow eyes and a painted smile.
“Welcome to the Madame de Pompodour, Madame de Pompodour,” it said.
One by one, the other eight prisoners woke up to find themselves similarly disposed. “Where’s my Eight?” Zen called out. Suddenly, she was face-to-face with a ghastly white mask. She whimpered and tried to sink away, but the back of her head was already pressed up against the cold metal slab.
“He’s my Eight,” said the clockwork man. “And we neuralyzed him and sent him away, along with all of the other canons. We had a horrible time figuring out where they were all supposed to be, especially frickin’ Casanova.”
“Will you read the charges, Nemia?” Karma asked.
“Certainly.” She cleared her voice box. “Reinette 1, you are charged with having a diamond ring so large you should not even be able to lift your hand, being in an alternate universe with no explanation, not being even remotely freaked out upon being confronted with your alternate self, being engaged to Casanova, causing a rubber ducky to magically appear in your hand, unwarranted character abuse, and impersonating the Madame de Pompodour.
Ten dressed as Eight, you are charged with having an annoyingly long epithet, impersonating the Doctor, being in an alternate universe with no explanation, and having absolutely no good reason to exist.
Ten dressed as Nine, you are charged with having an annoyingly long epithet, having too many epithets, pushing people for no reason, impersonating the Doctor, being in an alternate universe with no explanation, and also having absolutely no good reason to exist.
AU Nine, you are charged with being rude for no reason, being in an alternate universe with no explanation, and impersonating the Doctor.
Pinstripe Ten Two, you are charged with having a really frickin’ stupid epithet, being in an alternate universe with no explanation, showing up out of nowhere in the middle of the story, and proposing to a girl you’ve known for approximately two seconds. Although, to be fair, that’s only slightly worse than the rest of you posers. Really boys, you need some higher standards.
Over to you, Karma.”
“Right! Fizz, you are charged with being on the TARDIS without any explanation, saying ‘You go girl,” and having the Doctor propose to you within a few minutes of meeting you.
Zen, you are charged with being on the TARDIS without any explanation, carrying around an inflatable hammer that shouldn't even fit in your bag, unwarranted character abuse, and having the Doctor propose to you within a few minutes of meeting you.
Beth, you are charged with appearing out of nowhere in the middle of the story and, not be outdone by your more punctual friends, having the Doctor propose to you within a few seconds of meeting you.
Sarah, you are charged with being on the TARDIS without any explanation; having pointless, needessly-long author’s notes riddled with chatspeak, smilies, and nonspecific words; trying to pass off aimless rambling as prose; inserting first person narration into a third person narrative; having paragraphs that are too short even to be sentences; pretending not to know where babies come from; spaying the TARDIS; having Ten, Jack, Rose, and Martha all in the TARDIS at the same time; making all of the canon characters eighteen; creating Lawyer What; abuse of the common comma; temporal distortions caused by abrupt transitions; making various people “stompt” their feet; inserting unnecessary parenthetical clauses; interrupting the narrative to clarify figures of speech -- so you know, your audience isn’t likely to be any denser than you are when you’ve got the bar set so high; breaking the fourth wall; abducting Casanova; saying “To Be Continued” twice at the end of the same chapter; employing gratuitous postscripts; misusing the term 'irony,' carrying around a rubber chicken; unwarranted character abuse; poorly placed chapter breaks; tense shifts; rupturing every canon character you come in contact with; not using spell check; DOuble CApitalization; LOVING ‘London Bridges’ by Fergie; having the Doctor propose to you within a few minutes of meeting you, and being responsible for this whole horrible mess.
In addition, all four of you are charged with self-insertion, conspiracy to commit crimes against canon, being so stupid that it caused my partner and me actual physical pain, and -- all together now--”
“Being Mary Sues!” the two agents chorused.
“For this,” Karma announced, “all nine of you are sentenced to die.” With a flourish of her hands, a variety of cruel-looking blades popped out of the backs of her wrists. They made a jarring shhhhk sound that caused the prisoners to flinch.
“Do we get a last request?” Fizz asked hopefully.
“Is it to shag one of the Doctors?” came Nemia’s response.
“Maybe.”
“Then no.” She unsheathed her own wrist-blades.
“Now, I think it’s only fair to warn you,” Karma said, “that neither of us are really sure how to use these.” She waved about one of her Swiss-army-knife hands so that the captives would know what she was referring to. “Until we get it right, this may hurt a little. Or a lot. I make no promises.” Then she lunged
The ensuing screams echoed throughout the space station for the next ten minutes.
* * *
“And I really liked these clothes,” Karma sighed sadly. “Nothing gets out blood stains.”
“It was worth it, though.”
“Oh yes, definitely.”
The two of them stood and admired their work. “What do you think we should do with them?” Nemia asked.
“Leave them. I’m sure the real clockwork men will find a use for them.”
“What about her?” Nemia gestured towards one of the more mutilated corpses. “Won’t it screw up the canon if they get their hands on her before 'Girl in the Fireplace'?”
“No worries! She’s incomplete.” Karma’s partner gave her a blank stare. “The Suethor made everyone eighteen,” she explained. “Remember?”
“Ah. Right. I suppose that means our job here is done.” Nemia resheathed her blades and got out the Remote Activator.
“Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees and toes,” Karma sang brightly as her partner set the coordinates for their Response Center.
“Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees and to-o-o-oes!
We’re repairing our ship (oh noes!)
With your heads, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees and toes!”
“Karma?”
“Yeah?”
“Shut up.”
“Okay.”
[Author's Note: I did a bad thing with this one, I'm afraid. Normally, my policy is to comment on the fics before killing them to give the authors a chance to improve or remove them. This one, however, was so bad that the only criticism I could think of was "YOU CANNOT DO THIS!" Somehow, I doubted whofic.com would have been very pleased with that.
Comments are always appreciated.]