(no subject)
Mitch Hedberg makes me laugh uncontrollably, and I sound like a fool.
Examples:
"I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down."
"I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-22222. I would say sweet. People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough.""
"I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was 30 seconds long. You know why? 'Cuz that's the maximum amount of time that you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. After 30 seconds, you would see the kid saying, "What do I do now? Should I pass the ball to Jimmy? Or put on some goggles and look at his feet?""
To do this show, I had to take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were, like, yes or no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, "Have you ever tried sugar..... or PCP?"
"I get the Reese's candy bar. If you read that name Reese's that's an apostrophe S. Reese's apostrophe S at the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says "Let me have that", you better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese. I didn't think I'd ever run into you. You're a fuckin' bully, man.""
"Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cuz the dude didn't even get his degree. Alright."
"You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn off the cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it "Mitch." Then reattach it and call me "Mitch-all-together.""
" I mumble a lot offstage, I’m a mumbler. If I’m walking with a friend and I say something, he won’t hear me. He’ll say, "What?" So I’ll say it again, but once again he doesn’t hear me, so he says, "What?" But really it’s just some insignificant shit that I’m saying, but now I’m yelling, "That tree is far away!""
And that is all for now. For more, click here.
Examples:
"I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down."
"I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-22222. I would say sweet. People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough.""
"I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was 30 seconds long. You know why? 'Cuz that's the maximum amount of time that you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. After 30 seconds, you would see the kid saying, "What do I do now? Should I pass the ball to Jimmy? Or put on some goggles and look at his feet?""
To do this show, I had to take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were, like, yes or no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, "Have you ever tried sugar..... or PCP?"
"I get the Reese's candy bar. If you read that name Reese's that's an apostrophe S. Reese's apostrophe S at the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says "Let me have that", you better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese. I didn't think I'd ever run into you. You're a fuckin' bully, man.""
"Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cuz the dude didn't even get his degree. Alright."
"You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn off the cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it "Mitch." Then reattach it and call me "Mitch-all-together.""
" I mumble a lot offstage, I’m a mumbler. If I’m walking with a friend and I say something, he won’t hear me. He’ll say, "What?" So I’ll say it again, but once again he doesn’t hear me, so he says, "What?" But really it’s just some insignificant shit that I’m saying, but now I’m yelling, "That tree is far away!""
And that is all for now. For more, click here.